Monday Funnies: Twilight, In 20 Years… and the LTT/LTR Store

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s a Monday and you might be on your 3rd cup of coffee looking to wake up and shake off the tireds. But you can’t, I know. In fact you’re probably looking pretty haggard when you catch your glimpse in the reflection of the coffee pot in the break room and wondered, ‘when the crap did I age 20 years?’ You’re definitely not eternally 17. So I was thinking if normal people feel this way than the twi folks have to have a few haggard days themselves. Since we could all use a pick-me-up and helped out with the site In 20 Years that Brooke sent me, I present you some of our Twilight folks… IN TWENTY YEARS!

First up we have Rob…

Hmmm… they usually say men get better with age… but it appears as though Rob’s eyebrows have just grown with age. And he may just have a drooling problem…


Daaamn and we thought present day Kristen was a hardass… look at what 20 years and some smokes will do to you… Joan Jett, midlife crisis movie here she comes!

Then it was Taylor’s turn and a funny thing happened…
I put this picture in, but kept getting this back
Looks like the apple (or the double bacon cheese burger) doesn’t fall far from the tree…

Follow the cut to see an extra special treat AAANNNDDD an extra special announcement. Spoiler alert it may involve tshirts

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A special Twilight birthday wish, for a special Twilight Girl

Dear Moon,

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen! Continue reading

LTT, a love letter – Where you’re free to be a freak

Wait, you liked this guy more than the guy who played Cedric Diggory when you were 13?!

Dear LTT

I love you…in a non-creepy stalker way of course.

You see before I found you I was almost positive that I was a little insane….in fact, after spending an entire day watching multiple youtube interviews and trying to dissect in my head whether Robsten was alive (when, to be honest, I don’t really care) I forced myself to read a very boring psychology textbook as if it would wash the shame away. Watching the hour long vanity fair video was the breaking point and I thought that maybe the obsession was becoming a little crazy. I got that heart beating fast, palms sweating, slight hysteria thing every time a new interview was posted and I actually started squealing when a video was posted! Squealing! I never squealed before in my life, not even when I was 13 and in love with Gareth Gates… But then I found a link to your site, possibly from ‘I love boys who sparkle’ who noted that you talked a lot about Chris Weitz and Dilfs… I was intrigued.

No one can resist the power of Big Daddy

But now, I love you. Where else can I find out about big daddy Lautner, be linked to the awesome that is the ‘I’ll make love to you robsten’ video, watch highly erotic youtube videos on LTR and comfort myself with the fact that, as I live in the UK, the age of consent is 16 so I can ogle pictures of Taylor Lautner without gaining the wrath of Chris Hansen.

So now, when I slip and reveal the crazy to one of my non-twilight friends, and they look at me in that slightly mocking-slightly concerned way, I just smile and chant ‘that’s normal’ in my head. I’m sure that makes me look more crazy but hey, what can you do? J

Let your freak flag fly!

And the biggest thing LTT has taught me? If you’re going to be a freak, be a freak within a group of freaks, that way you’re perfectly normal. So, I’ve started systematically converting my friends to Twilight… And, when I think they are ready, I will show them to LTT and let them embrace the awesomeness too.

Love ya

Jem

Thank you Jem!!! So have you converted any of your friends to Twilight? Do you know which ones would be down and which wouldn’t? Did you like Gareth Gates? Who the EF is Gareth Gates?

PS Seriously go read LTR today!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity


UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse
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18 ways for Taylor to celebrate being officially legal and we’re off the hook

We have finally made it!!

Dear Taylor,

The day has finally arrived! We are no longer considered predators or creepy old ladies. Well, maybe creepy but definitely not old and no longer over stepping our legal bounds! It’s a party around here to say the least and in honor of your 18th birthday we thought, since we have a little experience, that we’d tell you what you’re now allowed to do legally in the USA!

It’s your 18th birthday so we’ve come up with a list of 18 things you can NOW do as a legal adult…

01. VOTE! No we’re not talking about voting for Rob as best dressed or for Kristen at the Bafta’s, we’re talking real deal referendums, amendments to city ordinances, Presidents, elected officials, school board councils, THE WORKS! Exciting I know.

02. You can be DRAFTED! One of the thrills of being a male American citizen of 18 years of age means you can now be drafted to join the US military. I’m sure you received that fun little piece of paper in the mail that you had to sign and send back to Uncle Sam cause he’ll come find you if you don’t and trust us he has his eye on you. He’s seen those canons and he wants them in his military. They could be considered lethal weapons after all.

03. You can now BUY A LOTTERY TICKET! Doesn’t matter that you’re now considered the highest paid “teen” actor in the business. Nothing beats filling up your tank at the gas station and buying a Mega Millions ticket! Oh the thrill, the risk, the ultimate let down.

We'd be excited too!

04. Throw away your McLovin’ fake ID cause now you can buy smokes for Kristen and Rob LEGALLY! Tobacco is now at your finger tips any time you get the itch to hang with the “cool kids” on set. This also means after you become addicted you’re now able to buy “the patch” and Nicorette gum!

05. Remember when Taylor Swift left you for John Mayer/That dude from Glee/Jared Followill/The Blockbuster guy and you wanted to spray paint her a mural full of Lisa Frank hearts and rainbows and unicorns to remind her what she was missing? Well, now you can buy spray paint!! I hear they have sparkly spray paint now.

06. If you and the wolfpack are feeling adventurous and need a bonding activity while shooting Breaking Dawn you can now make that Wolfpack bicep tattoo permanent cause you’re now legal to get tattoos without Big Daddy’s permission. May I also suggest a heart with our names in it on your forearm?

Follow the cut to see the rest of the 18 things Taylor can now do and then celebrate with us!
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The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still attached to this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon
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