The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon

Waiting in line for New Moon premiere? Get your helpful tips here!

4 days of hell start here

Dear LTTers,

Yesterday morning we were told a super big secret that 13 people were already in line for the New Moon premiere. Then the news leaked on Twitter and suddenly it wasn’t a secret anymore. Did you just panic because you have plans tonight and didn’t set aside time to glue your eyes to your laptop while you watch a live stream of the red carpet? Don’t worry you still have a few days. Yes, that’s right, because the premiere isn’t tonight, but it’s Monday night. Yep. Those who got in line yesterday are there 4 days in advance. Those who will get in line today will be there 3 days early. Tomorrow… 2 days. Sunday 1 day… etc.

It turns out that the first group of people are line are the gals from Twifans.com and Cullenboysanonymous.com. Okay, they both run Twilight fansites, I get why they want to be up close and personal on the red carpet. They want to get first-hand accounts and interviews and videos for their readers. That’s really nice. I can hear your questions now, “UC- aren’t you changing your flight and flying out tonight instead of waiting until Sunday so that you and Moon can get in line and be sure to get us an exclusive interview with Solomon Trimble (who I bet is the 3rd person in line behind Twifans & CBA) and catch the action when Cathy Hardi tries to sneak past security and onto the red carpet?” Uh, no. We’re not going to be doing that. We love you and all, and while a one-on-one with Solomon would be great and we could potential make our dream come true if we see HIM on the red carpet (our dream being a UC & Moon sandwich with Big Daddy Lautner in the middle), we value sleep in a comfy bed and protection from crazy Twihards & tweens more than spending 4 days in the hot sun then cold nights on a deflating air mattress while suffering from the Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) that we’d get because we’d have to hold our pee for four days all the while one person stays awake to protect us from the non-rob hobos that roam the streets of Westwood, CA.

Cardboard cut out of Jacob. Check. Cranberry Juice. Check

So while we’re not going to be there many people are. I’d venture to say that by tonight, there will be a good 100-200 people in line. 45 of them will be Solomon Trimble’s closest friends and family, but they still count. And since the 4 day waiters (Hey Kim & Allison!) probably got bored 5 minutes after their tent was set up and their coffee was gone (regretting that Venti cafe latte now, huh?), I’ve compiled a list entitled “Things to do while we wait for a opportunity to see Kristen Stewart’s bare breasts in a new sexy dress and cross our fingers that Rob may or may not look our way for 2.5 milliseconds 4 days from now on the New Moon premiere red carpet” to help ease the boredom a bit:

• Play the FanFiction game: Someone reads out loud from a famous fic like The Office or Wide Awake and you take turns acting out scenes with cardboard Edward. Since there is a New Moon Cardboard Ed & a Twi version, it’ll be like he changed clothes (unlike you who is stuck in the same thing for four days).

• Transcribe New Moon by hand into a leather-bound notebook as a gift to Rob since it’s his favorite book. Get Solomon to sign it.

• Knit something for Rob in hopes that it will be better than anything Kristen has knit for him

• Comb the dictionary for every word you believe could be used to describe Rob

• Paint your nails so that each finger has a detailed picture of a cast member- Edward-Bella-Jacob-Alice-Charlie-The Wolves- The Cullens-the Humans-The Volturi- The bad Vamps- 10!

• Reorganize your entire Itunes library into Rob or New Moon appropriate categories. “Songs that make me think of Rob.” “Songs that make me hate Kristen.” “Songs that make me wish Solomon Trimble was in the 2nd movie” OR “Songs that make me wish Solmon Trimble would move ahead of me in line and hit on the girl over there.” You could also change all the genres around. Examples: Instead of “Rock” it could be “Songs I wanna eff Rob to.” Instead of “Indie ballads” it could be “Songs I played the day I finally believed that Rob was actually dating Kristen.” Instead of “Garage band music” it could be “Bands that are horrible but still better than 100 monkeys”

After the jump, check out what people on Twitter said THEY would add to the list!

And even MORE Imma contest entries!

Dear Imma contest entrants and LTT-ers,

I know what you’re thinking “Wow, UC & Moon are SO lazy. They took advantage of the “Imma enter a Twilight contest contest” entries & have now posted them THREE days in a row as an excuse for a break from blogging.” And you would be right. We did this. Because bloggers are people too. And sometimes we get busy & need a break. Plus we’re lazy.

Since there were SO many good entries and since only two special folks could win AND since  we just happened to create fake categories that just happen to fit perfectly with some of the entries we’ve created fake prizes to show you just how much we love you. Cause we care. Sometimes.

Time for the funny…

Best entry featuring an American more popular in Germany than his home country

Kendall – You win the complete series of Baywatch on DVD and a private performance of “Hooked on a Feeling” by the Hoff himself! Lucky.

Best entry featuring an infomercial host who’s now in jail

JodieO – you win a free palm reading session with Jackson. He may not really be able to read palms but he definitely see’s a 100 Monkeys concert in your future

Follow the cut to see more entries!

The Dirt – New Moon Merch, Stoli Shirts and Color Me Badd, Oh MY!

Dear LTT-ers,

So much has happened over the weekend and last week that we couldn’t possibly write letters about everything but we wanted to hand pick the news that we thought you needed to see!

Hold on to your Pattinsons pants cause away we gooooo!
Themoonisdown

I adore mi amore and bad dye jobs

• New Twilight bookmarks available for preorder. Perfect for in between the pages of your copy of The Purpose Driven Life or for when you print out Fanfic and put it in a 3 ring binder so you can read it at work.

• Remember last week when I wrote Nikki asking where in the world had she gone? Well obviously she reads LTT because she turned up in Greece over the weekend with a member of Color Me Badd

• Fresh off his shift at the Home Depot and a hot oil treatment, Solomon Trimble still working any Twilight connection he has and makes an appearance at Quileute Days. Is Solomon even Quileute?

• 

  Seriously, is this what it's come to?

  Rob’s blessed Stoli vodka shirt came out of hiding this week. Some folks at Why Not RPattz and Robsessed did some insanely minute investigation work tracing the rips, stains and lifespan of the shirt. Now just think if we had this kind of attention to detail on finding Osama Bin Laden or curing life threatening diseases. Dayum.

• Cute Dude with hot  accent will be in Eclipse and his name is NOT Robert Pattinson… welcome to Victoria’s newborn boytoy Riley. Listen to him talk about being cast…

• If UC and I were creepy guido papparazzo’s with man voices I’m pretty sure this is what we’d say…

“… only two minutes Rob, only two minutes brother…” Apparently Rob is not only the face and cure for vaginal dryness but also the spokesperson for erectile dysfunction. Poor guy.

• Once again Taylor comes off as the most mature 17yr old I’ve ever heard, listen to him discuss NM and other junk in one of the best videos to come out in a while… also enjoy the music!

• Interview magazine makes Taylor look like a guest on Sprockets with Klaus and Dieter. I still hate turtlenecks but for some reason I keep having to repeat to myself, “he’s only 17…”

She's got legs, she knows how to use them!

• It’s hotter than balls in the Northeast and Ashley’s rocking LEATHER hot pants on the Alexa Chung show. She might be crazy or my hero

• Some shiz is going on after Comic Con but I know where I’ll be at: an as yet determined watering hole drowning our scream frazzled nerves with Rob and the LTT/LTR gals! Won’t you join us?

• Uh, this could be one of the lowest moments in the fandom… *sigh*

So who ordered their set of bookmarks?

Read about all the things that make UC think of Rob at Letters to Rob
Wanna be up on all the news as it happens? Are you following us on Twitter? Are you a member of the forum?

New Moon premiering in Knoxville, TN

Dear City of Knoxville, TN,

Are you ready? Do you think you can handle the swarm of girls that will be lining up at your doors weeks in advance? Are your Motel 6’s all paid up on their electric bills so they can Keep the lights on for everyone rolling into town? Do you even have any idea what the hell I’m talking about? Oh. Let me start over. Apparently New Moon is premiering in your town. Are you prepared?

I know the article only mentions the movie showing early for a charity event, but already plans are set in motion. Blogs have commented on how odd the choice of Knoxville is (no offense) over Los Angeles but have praised the cast for going somewhere a little less flashy. Airline’s customer service lines have been busy all week with Twihards trying to change their November flights from LAX to, uh, KNOX (?), fighting with the customer service rep over the $200 change flight fee but deciding in the end that “it’s worth it” to see Robert Pattinson, up close and personal, in the deep south.

I, for one, understand completely why the execs at Summit decided to whisk the cast from sunny LA to the Redneck Riviera. Knoxville offers the cast the following advantages for their site seeing tour: Mullets, Wife Beaters, Bluegrass, RC Colas and Moon Pies, Lee Press-On Nails, Fanny Packs, and Chevy Pick-up Trucks with gun racks and rebel flag bumper stickers, versus the following disadvantages of what is sure to be seen in LA: Hipster man bangs, flannel or plaid pearl snap shirts, dj’s who mash up pop music and oldies, vegan food, minx, murses & Toyota Prius’. Are you prepared with Knoxville’s finest rednecks to greet ‘dem fellers from dat der big ocean in da west?

Note to Solomon: reliving the 'best moment of your life' (pic with Kstew) will not be happening again this year

On second thought, how well are your Wal-Mart’s stocked with tissues? Because when the news breaks that the premiere isn’t actually in Knoxville but the movie is just showing a few days early to raise a lot of money for a good cause, the devastating cries from Twihards in their New Moon t-shirts, Pattinson pants & Wolfpack tiny backpacks will be heard from downtown Knoxville all the way to Paris, Texas. Heck, once everyone finds out that instead of their beloved Edward, Bella & Jacob, Summit sent Gill Birmingham, Christian Serratos & a random wolf to represent the event, I wouldn’t even be surprised if there’s a riot amongst the city of tents painted with murals of shirtless Edward.  I bet that once a bus rolls up in front of the theatre the rioters will calm for a moment thinking that Sam Bradley has come to serenade the crowd with soulful tunes, but when they find out it’s just Solomon Trimble on the greyhound crashing the show, the riots will begin again. Are you prepared?

Perhaps you should reissue a statement in your newspaper clarifying that when you say “Although confirmation of the Knoxville premiere of the movie is set” you actually mean a Knoxville premiere (aka first time showing in Knoxville) and not the New Moon premiere that is being whispered all over the web.  That way, you can save your police force the trouble of calming down the riots that are sure to begin when Solomon Trimble shows up as the “star” for the event. You don’t want your city experiencing the 2nd-hand embarrassment of Twihard-girl-on-twihard-girl mud wrestling, winner being the one who gets to ask Solomon to autograph her left breast, if you don’t have to.

Bring home some moonpies for me,
UnintendedChoice

PS: before you southerners call me a “damn yank” and get mad at my poking fun of Knoxville, all those references came from EastFriend, who is a southern girl born & raised. Get mad at her. Just don’t tell her you love UT. Then she’ll be mad at you.

Did you see this posted places and think people were silly for assuming that the actual premiere would be moved to Knoxville like we did?

The Forum is a great place to discuss football rivalries
LTR is a great place to discuss Rob. Actually, anywhere is a great place to discuss Rob, sigh…

Step right up to the Circus sideshow: Twilight Tattooed Freaks!

Dear Twi-hards,

Your enthusiasm, commitment and devotion to this saga continues to baffle and amaze me. Though I’m probably up there in terms of  enthusiasm, heck I blog about this EVERY day, I don’t know if my enthusiasm comes anywhere close to some fans I’ve seen. We all show our love for Twilight in different ways, passing the books on to a friend so they can become addicted (aka spreading the virus so you’re not alone!), creating your own New Moon trailer with your creepy husband while the cat wonders wtf is going on, or even getting a Twilight inspired tattoo. Now the Twi-tatt is by far the highest level of commitment out there and not for the faint of heart or SHY. I mean you’re going to be stuck with this thing for the rest of eternity and will forever be explaining why you have a tattoo of a shriveled up tulip on your boob of the face of a guy who kinda looks like Jimmy Neutron lost in the shire on your bicep.

The great thing about Twi-Tatts is that most will inevitably be some sort of embarrassing and if we’re (meaning those of us who love and make fun of the twi-dom on a daily basis) lucky; awesomely terrible! So in honor of Monday Funnies let’s take a gander at some Twi-tatts that somehow went very verrrry wrong.

The Cullen family crest- this is a big offender in my book because it’s not even official, it’s from the movie! That’d be like getting the quote “hold on tight spider monkey” or a portrait of Buttcrack Santa (my dream tatt).

Grandma’s gonna be so confused when you get married… “but honey, I thought Steve’s last name was Steverson, not Cullen. Who is this Cullen boy?”

Goes great with your Chico’s capris

Next up we have the popular quote-style tattoos where folks get their favorite passage tattooed on intimate body parts. With Stephenie Meyer being such a great writer I can see why you’d want those words around forever. Heh. Most people get the obvious stuff: “be safe” “and so the lion fell in love with the lamb” etc. If it was me I’d probably something like “I had an adrenaline rush, you can google it!” or my fave Carlisle quote: “Animal attack!” (RIP Grisham Mill Worker)

This is a classic case of I WANT IT ALL but I can’t decide so let’s just cram as much from the saga on my arms and see what happens. All we’re missing is a passage about the Spanish Influenza or a detailed description of Bella’s room.

Well if you’ve gone this far, why not a whole chapter?

Now, while I love this quote and the sentiment, it looks like it’s been etched into a T-Bone steak or a leg of lamb not exactly what I’d call romantic, unless raw red meat is your thing.

Next let’s traipse into the logo/book cover area of the Twilight tattoos… and as much as I love the covers as the next person I’m pretty sure I don’t want some chess pieces on my body… besides I can’t even play chess!

Oh looks it’s a Twilight tree… let’s crack it open and count the rings.

In case you forget “Be Safe!” Oh and don’t forget to water your flowers, they start drooping if you don’t. FYI.

And now for the ultimate… the portrait tattoo… now anyone who knows tattoos know that portraits are the most difficult and need to be done by professionals… and well I’ll let you be the judge of these next few…

I’ve always wanted a tattoo of a 12 yr old looking stuttering girl and an alien on my shoulder

And now for my favorite…

Jimmy Neutron Cullen, Hobbit from the Shire is your life now. If this was supposed to BE Robert Pattinson AS Edward Cullen than someone needs a refund. And laser removal surgery.

Now these folks are committed, there’s NO doubt about that… but what I really want to see is a Cora the waitress or a Solomon Trimble tattoo… now THAT’s devotion!

Off to get my LTT tattoo! Aka a Big Daddy Portrait!
Themoonisdown

Sources: Reader submitted pics, NewMoonMovie.org, Flickr, Google Image Search, Twilighters Anon

What is IT about Robert Pattinson? Watch us try to figure it out.
Dude, don’t let your fellow sisters in the LTT/LTR sorority down, read more and submit your Rob Porn!
As always up-to-the-minute good times and discussion over at The Forum!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to Rob and Twilight!

Dear Twi-Hards and LTT-ers –

A lot’s been said since yesterday about “Cab-gate 09”… which is what I’m now refering to the Rob was tapped by a cab incident that turned into the biggest non newstory, newstory to rock the Twi-world in… well… days. In a matter of minutes rumors were swirling, petitions were being signing, kidneys being donated and Obama issuing a statement. Well maybe it didn’t go that far, but folks did start up various campaigns and trending topics to get the word out about everything from: “Respect Rob’s Space” to “Protect Rob” which is all fine and well because crazies need to keep their distance from Rob.

But what really got me thinking was what about the other folks in the Twi-dom? What about the other actors? Their family? Their friends? Can we ask people to respect Rob but leave them out? Must we be forced to worry that Solomon Trimble will get mobbed at an Oregon Walmart while he’s buying some Alberto VO5 hot oil treatments for his luscious locks?!

NO! I simply will not stand for it! I MUST know that ALL people associated with Twilight are also respected. So to jump on the bandwagon I’ve created our very own LTT “Respect” campaign with an LTT twist, of course!

Won’t you join us?

Themoonisdown

It’s easy to worry about Rob since he’s such a big celeb, but what about the “little people” in this scenario? What about the Cabbie? I say we need to respect the cabbie! Stop stepping out into the street with your big feet, umbrellas and security detail. This guy’s just trying to do his job ferrying people around the city and we’re getting in his way by hitting HIS cab with our hips. Respect the cabbie!

Though Buttcrack Santa isn’t a canon character from the Twilight series, HE DIED! Respect him! He died for our laughs. He died for those little bottles. He died to have momma say didn’t know how to make a kitty meow! RESPECT BUTTCRACK SANTA!

What about Marty the Bananager for 100 Monkeys? We give him cheesy shirts to wear, don’t include him on our 100 Monkeys canvas totes, and grind with him on the dance floor. He’s a person too! Give Marty his personal space and save your sexy moves for his bandmates. They signed up for this, Marty is just doing his job and can’t be distracted by our beauty. Respect The Bananager!

Taylor’s a level-headed 17 year old who seems to be enjoying the attention he’s getting by playing Jacob. My real concerns lie with Big Daddy Lautner. How’s he taking the fame? Is he still able to hit the McDee’s drive through at midnight for a late night Filet o Fish without getting mobbed? Respect Big Daddy!

We all spend a lot of time pining for Rob and swooning over Kellan’s wifebeaters but what about the supporting actors? Have we devoted as much time to Mike Newton? Will we ever love his “golden retriever” like qualities enough to finally open letterstomikenewton.com? Will we ever post about his quest to save ladies boobs? Respect Mike Welch!

Read about the best real life Rob stalker and see the Rob’s new security at LTR
RESPECT The Forum!