A special Twilight birthday wish, for a special Twilight Girl

Dear Moon,

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen! Continue reading

Eclipse – The Choice is pretty simple… maybe

Vanilla or Chocolate, PC vs Mac - It all begins with a choice!

Dear Eclipse Poster Designer and Marketers,

I have to commend on the new Eclipse poster… the darker colors, the NSYNC circa ’01 denim jacket (read this if you love NSYNC), Edward’s creepy dead-eye stare, Bella’s cocked eyebrow (kiss me!), and then I looked down and saw your tag line:

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

And I thought WTF? A choice? She will never choose Jacob, we know that, otherwise Bella would have told Edward to go ef himself when he came back to Forks and would have made out with Jacob in that little garage, instead of drinking warm soda while she fixated on his rippling muscles. So THAT can’t be the choice, it’s gotta be something else, right? But what? So I came up with a list of the only plausible things she could be choosing from…

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

  • V-Neck vs Crew Neck – A peek of Edwards chest hair vs highlighting Jacob’s man boobs?
  • Pancake makeup vs Bronzer – Deathly pallor of the undead or the deep tan of spending summers at the La Push beach
  • Harry’s Famous Fish Fry vs Spaghetti – What will Bella make for Charlie’s dinner? Some of that famous fish fry and be forced to listen to another story about “the big one that got away” or the same dinner she always makes Charlie: Spaghetti.
  • To let Alice pick your clothes or wear the khaki skirt/blue shirt again – Does anyone want to chance the wrath of the fashion obsessed Alice? And really what is so great about the darn blue shirt paired with the floor length Amish skirt? Why Bella resists, I’ll never know.

what about these…

  • Paper vs Plastic – Neither you earth haters, get your reusable bag on, people!

Ain't no lie baby, Bye Bye Bye!

  • NSYNC vs Backstreet Boys – If you say anything besides NSYNC I don’t know you
  • Jonas Brothers vs Hanson Brothers – Which brothers do it for you? Short, brunette- Jew-fro-d-Christian-purity-ring-wearing-brothers or blond-girly-haired-Christian brothers-from-Oklahoma?
  • Dwight Schrute vs Andy Bernard – How could Angela choose between the Assistant to the Region Manager of Dunder Mifflin or the man who sings “Take a chance on me” barbershop style on speakerphone?

Follow the cut to see what other choices they could possibly mean
Continue reading

The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day! Continue reading