Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.
Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:
Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.
I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)
After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen!
I will get all the people who obsess over me on Twitter to STOP so that you can enjoy 1 day of a Twitter timeline free of my name. Plus I’ll look the other way as Rob gives you your birthday present and go catch up with my old friend Oregano. That’s my gift to you- Oregano/Stewart gossip that will surely provide a day or two worth of letters!
I know how you’ve missed me as my fake lesbianship has been cooled off with Kristen for awhile, I’ve stayed away from scandals & haven’t dated anyone that requires a cream prescription from my Doctor afterward, so your birthday gift from me is a “leaked” scandalous picture from that much rumored few weeks in 2008 when I hooked up with Rob. No I’m not trying to one up Kristen or become relevant in the media for a few days (although that would be nice), I’m just selflessly leaking the photo so that you and UC can shamelessly break it down. I know it’ll be good. Don’t disappoint!
Big Daddy: To show my gratefulness for taking me from obscurity in the background of pictures to being the first person people notice now, even when Rob Pattinson stands next to me, I bought you Olive Garden breadsticks, a couple Filet-O-Fish, and 3 dozen fried Oreos from the Iowa State fair. But I got hungry on the plane back from Iowa so I ate it all. So instead I burned down a couple In-N-Outs for you & sent a letter to my congressmen asking him to make the term “Animal Style” illegal. I mean, what’s the point of a menu at all if the majority of the items are a “Secret” and you have to look up the terms online before ordering? I just want a triple quarter pounder with extra cheese, mayo, and onions, super-sized. Is that too much to ask? IS IT!?
Chris Hansen: I thought our time together had passed. I thought that once Taylor Lautner became legal I wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore. But it looks like I’m wrong. There’s a new man in your life- a man (if you can call him that- this one is the youngest yet- you should be ashamed of yourself) who you exploit via twitter and in your letters almost every day. At times I wonder if you’re joking and other times I know you’re serious. I’ve seen you when you’re in your car, bopping your head to his music. I’ve heard you sing along to his songs. I’ve seen you dance at a club & even request his music from the DJ. I’ve seen you pick up the magazine with his face on the cover at the salon, read the articles inside & gaze at his hair. I know about the BieberFever. You can’t hide from me. And I’m watching you, Moon. I don’t care if it’s your birthday. I have my eye on you...
Taylor Lautner: It seems like ever since I turned 18 you’ve stopped caring about me and my rock-hard abs. Because it’s your birthday I won’t tell you how that makes me feel, but I have to wonder if that’s because I’m legal. Is it no longer cool to like a younger guy without the prospect of getting arrested? Fair enough, for your birthday I promise to spend 24/7 grooming Boo-Boo Stewart into a hot piece of man-meat (this is NOT for personal reasons at all. This is purely out of the goodness of my heart for your birthday), sculpting his abs, cutting his hair, pulling on his legs until they grow, punching him in the face until that childish smirk is removed, dressing him in something other than Gap Kids. I’ll even talk to Tay Swift about finding a musician friend of hers to start a dating rumor with, if that’ll help. I know how much it meant to me to have a blog seemingly dedicated to gushing over my under-age hotness, so I think Boo-Boo will appreciate it and you’d have a lot of fun. Oh, and we’ll definitely be doing something about his name. Tay-Tay screams hot & sexy. Boo-Boo is just gay.
Justin Bieber: I had big plans for your birthday, but you broke my heart.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOON!!! WE ALL LOVE YOU!!!!!!
PS: Moon’s birthday was yesterday, but we’re celebrating today! Tell Moon why you love her in the comments!
PSA: I shared this on Twitter last week, but Moon & I talk about Justin Bieber a LOT.. And I’m sure you’re questioning why. You thought we were cool. You thought we didn’t follow the crowd (except with Twilight and loving Rob Pattinson). Why the obvious BieberFever? Let me assure you, we do NOT think he is good. We do NOT actually like him. We do however, LOVE to talk about him. And we do NOT plan on stopping. “I was like Moonie, Moonie, Moonie ohhhh—-” That song has been in my head since I “wrote’ it last night. You’re welcome. Now it’s in yours.
Thanks to JodieO for sharing some BirthdayPorn she made for Robsten4Life’s birthday last week (HAPPY BIRTHDAY R4L!)
Filed under: Boo Boo Stewart, Jackson, Kristen, LTT, Nikki Reed, Rob Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Taylors Dad, Twilight Tagged: | Bieber Fever, Big Daddy, birthday, Boo Boo Stewart, Boo-Boo Stweart, Chris Hansen, fake lesbian, Happy Birthday Moon, In-N-Out, Jackson Rathbone, Justin Bieber, Kristen Stewart, Moon, nikki reed, rob pattinson, Taylor Lautner, themoonisdown, Twilight