A special Twilight birthday wish, for a special Twilight Girl

Dear Moon,

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:


Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.


I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen!


I will get all the people who obsess over me on Twitter to STOP so that you can enjoy 1 day of a Twitter timeline free of my name. Plus I’ll look the other way as Rob gives you your birthday present and go catch up with my old friend Oregano. That’s my gift to you- Oregano/Stewart gossip that will surely provide a day or two worth of letters!


I know how you’ve missed me as my fake lesbianship has been cooled off with Kristen for awhile, I’ve stayed away from scandals & haven’t dated anyone that requires a cream prescription from my Doctor afterward, so your birthday gift from me is a “leaked” scandalous picture from that much rumored few weeks in 2008 when I hooked up with Rob. No I’m not trying to one up Kristen or become relevant in the media for a few days (although that would be nice), I’m just selflessly leaking the photo so that you and UC can shamelessly break it down. I know it’ll be good. Don’t disappoint!

Big Daddy: To show my gratefulness for taking me from obscurity in the background of pictures to being the first person people notice now, even when Rob Pattinson stands next to me, I bought you Olive Garden breadsticks, a couple Filet-O-Fish, and 3 dozen fried Oreos from the Iowa State fair. But I got hungry on the plane back from Iowa so I ate it all. So instead I burned down a couple In-N-Outs for you & sent a letter to my congressmen asking him to make the term “Animal Style” illegal. I mean, what’s the point of a menu at all if the majority of the items are a “Secret” and you have to look up the terms online before ordering? I just want a triple quarter pounder with extra cheese, mayo, and onions, super-sized. Is that too much to ask? IS IT!?

Chris Hansen: I thought our time together had passed. I thought that once Taylor Lautner became legal I wouldn’t have to worry about you anymore. But it looks like I’m wrong. There’s a new man in your life- a man (if you can call him that- this one is the youngest yet- you should be ashamed of yourself) who you exploit via twitter and in your letters almost every day. At times I wonder if you’re joking and other times I know you’re serious. I’ve seen you when you’re in your car, bopping your head to his music. I’ve heard you sing along to his songs. I’ve seen you dance at a club & even request his music from the DJ. I’ve seen you pick up the magazine with his face on the cover at the salon, read the articles inside & gaze at his hair. I know about the BieberFever. You can’t hide from me. And I’m watching you, Moon. I don’t care if it’s your birthday. I have my eye on you...

Taylor Lautner: It seems like ever since I turned 18 you’ve stopped caring about me and my rock-hard abs. Because it’s your birthday I won’t tell you how that makes me feel, but I have to wonder if that’s because I’m legal. Is it no longer cool to like a younger guy without the prospect of getting arrested? Fair enough, for your birthday I promise to spend 24/7 grooming Boo-Boo Stewart into a hot piece of man-meat (this is NOT for personal reasons at all. This is purely out of the goodness of my heart for your birthday), sculpting his abs, cutting his hair, pulling on his legs until they grow, punching him in the face until that childish smirk is removed, dressing him in something other than Gap Kids. I’ll even talk to Tay Swift about finding a musician friend of hers to start a dating rumor with, if that’ll help. I know how much it meant to me to have a blog seemingly dedicated to gushing over my under-age hotness, so I think Boo-Boo will appreciate it and you’d have a lot of fun. Oh, and we’ll definitely be doing something about his name. Tay-Tay screams hot & sexy. Boo-Boo is just gay.

Justin Bieber: I had big plans for your birthday, but you broke my heart.



PS: Moon’s birthday was yesterday, but we’re celebrating today! Tell Moon why you love her in the comments!

PSA: I shared this on Twitter last week, but Moon & I talk about Justin Bieber a LOT.. And I’m sure you’re questioning why. You thought we were cool. You thought we didn’t follow the crowd (except with Twilight and loving Rob Pattinson). Why the obvious BieberFever? Let me assure you, we do NOT think he is good. We do NOT actually like him. We do however, LOVE to talk about him. And we do NOT plan on stopping. “I was like Moonie, Moonie, Moonie ohhhh—-” That song has been in my head since I “wrote’ it last night. You’re welcome. Now it’s in yours.

Thanks to JodieO for sharing some BirthdayPorn she made for Robsten4Life’s birthday last week (HAPPY BIRTHDAY R4L!)

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

78 Responses

  1. “Open your gifts carefully? Bawhahahahahaha

    I can totes see Moon opening her gifts, obtaining a papercut on her finger and flinging her gift dramatically to the floor. Owww. bites bottom lip.

    Heres to Moonie and the continuation of her birthday. Is it too early to drink?

    • i may or may not have recreated that opening a card on saturday night. then i ran into a room of people dancing with a justin beiber cd and a tiger beat mag in my hands.


    • I made sure to put a warning on her bday card which said “Warning: Open carefully due to papercuts” ❤

      • My DD reads Bop or whatever has Justin B on the cover.

        Noticed that Justin is now the larger photo on the mag cover and Rob is now a little tiny photo in the corner.

  2. Happ Birthday, chica!
    Hope you had a seriously fabulouso day!
    I love Moon because she dedicates so much time to blogging here to give us all LOLs. And, obvi, if ya’ll and UC hadn’t made this lil baby I never would’ve had somewhere to fangirl with such fabulously funny and darling ladies and still feel normal. Thanks 🙂

    Mwah! x

  3. Hope you had a great birthday yesterday, Moon!!

  4. Gelukkige verjaardag Moon! Hope you had a wonderful day!

    P.S. We”ll probably get the bieberfever here in Europe sometime next year, when someone eats an infected cow.

    • Since Alice already stole happy birthday in Dutch, I’ll do portuguese: Feliz aniversário, Moon! Hope you had a fabulous celebration!

      Thanks for bringing us laughs and tweedserious twilosophy every day. Here’s to many years to come of the brilliancy that is Moon! *raises virtual champagne glass*

    • When someone eats an infected cow.

    • I just speak “Spicoli” Spanish (“hola there bra”), but here goes…

      Feliz Cumpleaños Luna!
      disfrutar unos taocs

    • dang its like united nations of awesome up in here.

      you gals rule!

  5. Happy birthday Moon!!!!!

  6. I am sure you had a glorious birthday! I hope this next year will bring you closer if not to your dreams fulfilled.

  7. Happy (belated) Birthday, Moon!!! And, thank you, UC, now I have “Moonie, Moonie, Moonie ohhhh” stuck in my head, too…

  8. Happy Birthday Week, Moon!!! Some people work in soup kitchens, others visit the elderly—-YOU help people by bringing humor, a sense of the absurd, and a welcome respite from RL to a whole lot of people who read this blog! You gotta do what you are good at—-and you are GREAT at this! It is a gift! So thanks for sharing it with all of us…and I do hope you will tell all about your time with Rob perusing your ‘music’ collection!:) Happy Birthday!

    • awwwww thats the sweetest thing ever. cant believe this is like the online soup kitchen/nursing home visitation crew spot. LOVE IT! 🙂

  9. Happy birthday Moon – but where are the party hats, I love them?

  10. Only on Moonie’s birthday will I condone the usage of Bieber’s picture on Letters To Twilight. ‘Cause seeing him just made me shudder, and not in a “Whoa, Jackson’s wig is REALLY bad!” way, but in a, “Why does that kid have Dorothy Hamil’s hair?” way. Ewwwww.

    Happy Birthday, Moon!

  11. Happy Birthday Moon! Wow… you, Rob and I share our birthday month *SQUEE*
    Hope you had a wonderful day!
    Please carry on posting hilarious posts on LTT. Lord knows reading these posts make my day!

    This is off-topic: But today I bought my NM DVD and the sales guy was totes drooling over Rob. I swore the guy practically moaned when the parking lot slow motion walk came up…lol
    btw this has been pissing me off but my Sony VAIO laptop’s DVD Rom is not playing any of the DVDs…can anyone provide me with a solution?

  12. Happy Birthday Moon! Please cure yourself soon of the Bieber Fever! For reals, I worry your joking will turn serious. ick, hate Beaver.

    • hahaha its sure fun to dance to with a group of girls and guys who arent scared.


  13. “Moonie, moonie, moonie ooooooh!” <-bahahaha

    Happy Birthday!!!!! 🙂

  14. *coming out of lurkdom to say*

    Happy birthday, Moon! Hyvaa syntymapaivaa! Hope you’ve had a great day and wishing you many more!

    *fading to black*

  15. Happy Birthday Moon!!! Hope you had a fab day 🙂

  16. Happy Birthday, Moon! Here’s to more beanie, more bitchface, less Beiber in the coming year.

  17. Happy Birthday, Moon (again)!

    And why do I keep seeing Beiber here?? WHY?! Moon, I hope you’re birthday wish is to stop sipping on the Beiber KoolAid

  18. Happy Birthday Moon!

    Chris Hansen; “I have my eye on you” hahaha Watch your step Moon… I think he’s onto you! 😉

  19. Happy Birthday Moon! I hope you had a great day!

  20. Happy Birthday Moon! I love you and your beautiful shiny hair!

    *speaking of hair and Beiber, I took my boy to barber shop for a hair cut, and here is what he asked for: “I need it shorter because my mom wants it shorter, but I like it longer and shaggy but don’t make me look like that Beiber dude” True Story (and he looks cute)*

  21. Happy Birthday Moon! I hope your day was wonderful.

    Does Rob have morning breath? I have always wondered and since you were his tour guide yesterday, I thought you could tell me.

    I ❤ you on your b-day and everyday!

  22. Quchjaj qoSlIj, Moonie! We love you!!

    xo obava

  23. Happy birthday, Moon! I hope you get ALLLLLLLL the presents you want! Hey, at least our favorite guy is in the same city as you, you’re breathing the same air. Go “run into” him….
    Have a wonderful day and a splendid year ahead….

  24. Happy Birthday, Moon! I’m sending Justin Bieber over to serenade you! “There’s gonna be one less lonely girl!”

  25. Happy Birthday Moon! Thanks for giving us freaks I mean fans a great forum to bring the lulz!

  26. Your birth is definitely something to celebrate!

    Rob told me to tell you he is going to give you his version of a wonky nipple (?) for your bday present, so be prepared for that – I can only guess at what it involves… Kellan just shipped out a signed Newsboys tour poster from 1995, so you should get that any day now. What else…oh, Billy Burke is sending you a 5-pack of Ranier (he got thirsty on the way to the post office), and Solomon Trimble asked if you would please accept his Facebook friend request, even though it’s your birthday, it would be a real present for him.


      PS we should invent the wonky nipple shot.

      • Uh for sure! Let’s get wonked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • You mean there is no Wonky Nipple cocktail yet? Yells ‘SLACKERS’ at the entire site.

        Happiest of birthdays Moon! Thanks God for making you & making you so gorgeous. I may tweet Kellan to help me write a psalm of praise for Moon.

        Ans age is just a number, baby. Trust me, I’m a..a…I’m just vintage ok?

        • Oh, & I’m hoping to have a Beiber story for you by the end of the week…depends on whether my source got to meet him in person last week……it was planned.

        • Kellan totally wants to recite all of Song of Solomon to Moon on her birthday.

    • Thumbs waaaaay up for the quote!

    • A dozen thumbs up for DJ & Moon’s NM quote. Totally cracked me up. 🙂

  27. Happy Birthday Moon!

    Arrive alive, dont drink and drive!

  28. Am I the only person who ACTUALLY likes little Bieber?

    That makes me sad. Sad Angel.

    He’s just so cute and little. I can’t hate a child. It’s against my morals.

    Oh well.

    Happy Birthday, Moon!

  29. Moonie, moonie, moonie, ohhhh

    I loved it!
    P.s. thanks for the lame song in my head…

    But for reals…
    You are one of THE funniest peeps I know
    (But not in RL… cuz I don’t actually know you)
    But hope you had the RADDEST birfday everrrrrr!!

    Love y’all!

  30. I HAD WAYYY too much fun 1. buying your present and 2. dancing to Biebs at your party. (We shall call him Biebs now as a term of endearment–and just because we’re THAT normal)


    • ill buy you anything ill buy you annnyyy ring!!!

      yes it was grand thank you for coming and indulging me!

  31. died laughing at so much in this post uc. you rule

    “Is it no longer cool to like a younger guy without the prospect of getting arrested?”

  32. Happy Birthday Moon!!!

    Oh and if Jackson is going to look like that picture for 24 hours I’ll think its my birthday too!

  33. Happiest Birthday to you!! Here’s a fabulous leg hitch all wrapped up in a hot Rob hoodie just for you! No Kristen included…

  34. I so wish my BFF liked Twilight so she’d write something like this for me on my birthday. Thanks for sharing your humor with us. Happy Cake Day, Moon!

    My kids think his name is Justin Beaver. I don’t correct them because I like to hear the boy say “That kid has Beaver hair.” while watching Nick or Disney.

  35. I am supposed to tell you why I love you, Moon…but I know you wouldn’t expect me to say anything else but, I HATE YOU!

  36. Dear Moonie,
    happy burfday!!!
    I never knew you, me, Rob and so many others were born in May…
    Well you know what they say about Tauruses right 😉

    Big smooches and hugs!

  37. Happy Birthday Moon!!
    Thanks for making us laugh day in and day out. I’m inspired by your friendship with UC and your dedication to the blog and us readers!!
    Love you and hope you had a great B-day!!

  38. I’ve never commented here before but Feliz Cumpleaños Moon (in spanish lol, I’m from Mexico) greetings from here!!

  39. Happy Birthday! Thank you for being a happy and hilarious part of my days!!

    P.S. Every time I’m on MSN I have to check the Trend Watch, hoping that Bieber’s got the down red arrow. For some reason, this makes me very happy. Cuckoo.

  40. Haaaaaap-py Birthday, Moon! 🙂

    *gives you a digital camera and a purple plaid-covered scrapbook*

    *and a necklace. Alice picked it out*

  41. Happy birthday Moon!! Another great post. Thanks for hours of entertainment, love everything you do 🙂

  42. Happy ‘Belated’ Birthday Moonie MoonMoon!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: