Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity

UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse

Team Cullen take over the Olympics

*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*

Go for the gold Cullens!

Dear Cullen Family,

I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.

It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!

Carlise's competition? Eric Yorkie!

Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)

Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.

Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!

Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!

New Level of dedication: Twilight Flow Chart

Dear Twilight,

Yesterday, UC and I were having a discussion about the Wolfpack ladies. UC kept confusing Tinsel Korey with Julia Jones and I was kept confusing Julia Jones with January Jones who she most certainly isn’t and it became clear: We needed a flow cart to remember all these new folks and how they’re all connected in the Twilight world. So I set out to create a master flow chart and as the day wore on (and on) and I remembered more and more connections and it become more of a circle flow chart, cause just like Rafiki tells us: it’s the circle of life and it moves us all.

And what came out looks a lot like a grade school project… next up book reports and a diorama of Bella’s room in a shoe box.

Yea, this is what you do with your spare time when you’re a Twilight blogger.

Twilight Dork of the Day Award Recipient/Life Time Achievement Nominee,
Themoonisdown

Enjoy this cause it took for darn near ever. Oh and click on it to open in a new window, cause it’s HUGE!

Clicky to enlarge and be amazed at my time wasting!

Um yea! If I missed anything TOO BAD! hahaha

Go enjoy a letter to Rob that rules!
Talk about this level or nerdiness in the forum!

Take the cut to see a special treat

Our top ten favorite moments in Twilight, the movie

Dear LTT/LTR-ers and Twihards, lovers and haters of this site,

Today is another big day in the life of us here at LTT. Yes, you might have guessed it but today marks our TEN MONTH anniversary. Now not to get all high school relationship on you but we think blogging solid for ten months is a big deal. Countless hours, love, conversations, text messages, good ideas, really bad ideas (trust me, there are tons), blood sweat and tears have gone into these ten months so UC and I want to celebrate this week. In honor of our ten month anniversary we are going to be bringing you a new top ten list every day this week to celebrate and look towards the next ten!

So to kick off our top tens I’m gonna start us off with Top Ten Favorite Twilight Movie Moments! All the little things, the good and the sometimes cheesy things that we loved and couldn’t imagine living without. All the moments that we wanted to see make it in, the ones we didn’t know and the ones that made us fall in love with the story all over again… here they are

10. The Cullen’s enter the Cafeteria

The set up for the whole movie: who are those kids and why are they different and most importantly WHO IS THAT BOY? Why yes, it’s only the hottest boy to ever grace the United States public school system, that’s who. And he just happens to be a Vampire. Ok wait, she’ll learn that later… let’s not get ahead of ourselves now!

09. Animal Attack

Oh Carlisle you kill us with the delivery of that line coupled with the totally obvious stare down you give Edward. Yup, it was totally an animal that killed Buttcrack Santa and not some crazy psycho nomadic vampire that’s going to develop some weirdo fascination with Bella and stop at nothing to kill her. Yup, totes an animal.

Wanna find out what else made our top ten list of favorite Twilight Movie Moments? Follow the cut…

Cullen Boys action with a little Riley on the side…

Dear Boys,

It’s about time we devoted more of this blog to someone besides those two Robsten losers. A little too much plaid and sad and not enough HOT these days. So when I saw these pics of you lads today on Just Jared I about had a heart attack for a couple reasons cause well a. you’re all hot sauce in these and b. Jackson has a new doo and I gotta say it looks marvy. So marvy that I ran over to the forum to celebrate with the Jax lovers who congregate there. Don’t worry Jackson, UC may think you look like you have an addiciton to the bad stuff but I still love you. Maybe if you wrote an impromtu song for her about how you are a proud D.A.R.E graduate she might change her mind.

In any case I was perusing through these pics and noticed you were all carrying bags or food of some kind so let’s ponder what you guys ate today shall we? PSST This is really just a ploy for me to post these pics so we can all drool over them together. Let’s get started!

Eat your heart out Kristen Stewart, I could have been your Edward. Your lose! Enjoy the plaid sandwich!

So clearly Jackson is the healthy eater of the bunch, probably got a 6in (that’s what she said) sub from the 7 under 7 grams of fat menu. Or maybe he’s giving the bird to production for making him wear that wig and went for the meatball sammy. Whatever it is, keep rocking that hot ass doo and maybe once this whole twi thing’s over Subway will dump that Jared guy and hire you as their new spokeswhore. Your commercial should be you riding a vintage motorcycle eating a Subway sammy saying “Eat at Subway and you can look like me! NOT!” and then you peel out and pop a wheely. Just a concept… we can iron out the details later.

No where to run to baby... no where to hiiiide!

Where ya running to Xavier? Got some leftover orange chicken from Panda Express you need to get in the mini fridge before it spoils? Yup, I feel ya… nothing like some shizzy fake chinese food to cure a hang over the next morning.

how YOU doin'?

Is that a Zara bag I spy, Kellan? You just got 5 extra cool points from me, I love that store! So obviously you’re a manarexic since you have no food in your hands like the other boys and instead opted to shop. I know, ya gotta look good in that Emmett velor  track suit and can’t be worried about any unsightly orange chicken bulges. It’s hard to hide spanx under velor, I know.

So anyway I hope you’ll forgive our incessant coverage of Robsten 09 now that I’ve written to you and we’ll keep doing so as long as you keep bring the HOT. And the take out.

Love your faces!
Themoonisdown

Get down to the facts with UC over at Letters to Rob
Celebrate your love of the Cullen boys at the forum!

Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!

Give me my money back! Kellan Lutz will no longer be Twilight-Cruising

Dear Kellan,

I was devastated when I found out you won’t be going on the Twilight Cruise in August of 2010. Seriously. Devastated. I actually said out loud, “Aww shucks!” It’s not going to be the same without you there peeling shrimp with me at the midnight seafood buffet. And who will I do the macarena with now, and how am I going to find a new duet partner to sing Islands in the Stream with me during late night karaoke? And I was planning on dressing as Rosalie during the Twilight-Prom themed “formal night” and going to ask you to dress up as Emmett so we could grind together to Paramore songs.

In the beginning...God created Kellan. And he looked good"

But now, who’s gonna judge the “Twilight t-shirt, wet-t-shirt” contest and what about leading prayer the morning after the wet t-shirt contest when we regret the fornicating we did that evening after I won?  And in the off chance that the ship starts to sink, you were my #1 choice to lead us in singing our favorite hymns as we plunge into the icy waters. Who’s gonna fill your shoes now!? Alex Meraz? Humph- it’s clear that he does not have the same commitment to his spiritual life that you do.  Have you seen his shirtless pictures? Completely man-whorish. At least with your shirtless pictures it’s clear you’re just trying to teach the children the story of how Adam was put here on this earth by God in a perfect form- naked and unashamed. You are truly a Biblical example.

Say "Berry Cobbler"

Obviously Alex Meraz is a last-resort choice and no one will come close to you, but I do have some suggestions for the Twilight Cruise planners for who might come in at a close second. #1: The person who cleaned the trailers on the set(s). Now that person would be interesting to talk to. What did they find? What did Rob eat? Did they come across any condoms? What were the results of the DNA test they ran (obviously) after picking up the used condoms? This would be a perfect session to hold in the grand ballroom on Day 1 of the cruise. #2 That waitress (Cora) from the diner, Ayanna Berkshire. What an interesting choice she would be to lead a discussion on the why’s and how’s she went about the line “Buttcrack Santa?” Quick teaser from my list of Top 10 things I want to ask Ayanna Berkshire: “How many times did you have to do the scene where you said “The boys wanna know” since you were talking about the oldest looking lumberjack grandpas on the planet? Ha! “The Boys…” good one.”

While your place will never be filled completely, I believe either one of these options gets us closer to the magic that would have happened with the infamous Kellan Lutz, womanizer, lover of all sorts of Twilight fans- short ones, tall ones, hot ones, fat ones, skinny ones, pretty ones, hot ones, not pretty ones, old ones, young ones, hot ones- on board. I just really need to express my deep disappointment that you won’t be there. Because you, Kellan Lutz, lover of Twilight fans, lover of shirtless pictures, lover of talking about your small role in the Twilight saga, would be an incredible addition to a boat full of thousands of twi-hards, floating at sea for a full seven days never giving you a moments peace from their demands to sign their paperback books, posters of Rob, twilight chuck taylors & breasts.

My heart will go on,
UnintendedChoice

*Little Tip from UC & Moon, gals who would never ever in a million years subject ourselves to the 2nd-hand embarrassment of a Twilight cruise, don’t book your tickets now. They say Ashley & Alex are committed- and they are, but only until they have a conflict with another film. Which they will. It’s so far in advance. Plus, it’s not going to sell out. (Oh my gosh… if a Twilight Cruise sells out….. I am really ashamed to be a fan….)

Let me tell you what Jena does in The Forum for us all. She posts literally every video of Rob EVER. Cuz she rules. And we love her. Find them all here

And check out what Moon has for us & Robbie on LTR

Happy Birthday UC, Love the Cullens and the rest of the gang!

Dear UnintendedChoice (your FULL fake name, this is a formal situation!)-

These blogs are usually meant as a place for us to write letters to Twilight and Rob but since it’s you’re birthday and I’m going to hell, I’m breaking ALL the rules! See, I can’t even get through an opening line without quoting this blasted series/movie, can you believe what it’s done to us?! I can’t! But what I can believe is it’s your BIRTHDAY!!! And you’re 21! Forever 21, ya’ll. Ok, maybe not 21 but a lady never reveals such secrets. I’m struggling right now to straddle the line between bringing the  funny and gushing uncontrollably about how much I love you. In a fake lesbian, life partners, blog partners kind of way, OF COURSE.

I can’t image a better person to run a blog empire with! Whenever I’m feeling particularly uncreative I know I can ‘break it down’ with you and I’ll come up with the best post ever. It’s like we always say “we’re better together” cause no one can help bring out the funny like you. You are the yin to my yang, the Bella to my Edward, the Sage to my Dills.

Please always be my life partner!
Themoonisdown

PS The Cullens sent me this rad picture and birthday poem they wrote* just for you!

We dress like this for ALL special occasions

When you open your presents, try not to hurt your finger,
for the scent of blood, Jasper can’t stand to linger,
and if Edward throws you ON TOP the table,
you’d better be ready, willing and able
cause he’s 107**, and oh so pure,
but you my dear, are his only cure!
So have some cake, some ice cream too,
and know that us Cullens all love you !

Happy Birthday UC,
The Cullens (your future in-laws)

*major thanks to the lovely Kristin for helping a writers blocked Moon with this awesome poem!
** we debated if it was 107 or 108 so uh someone set us straight!

Saturday Morning LTT Delight! It’s Twilight, Bitch!

Dea LTT girls-

By now UC and I have been arrested for lewd and indecent acts  (ripping our clothes off and throwing ourselves at Rob) in a public venue (borders) or have abducted Rob and will never be seen or heard from again… If anyone has bail money or a connection at US customs or Dateline NBC hit us up. Otherwise we loved you and our time together was magical please send mail in care of Big Bertha’s Bitches: Moon and UC at the California State Pen.

Just in case, I thought I’d leave you lovely pals with my newest favoritest video find (besides the Rob one)… I describe this one as Girl Talk (hit both those links up, trust me you will thank me!) meets Twilight. ENJOY!

XO-
Themoonisdown (aka bertha’s new ho)

Buttcrack Santa

Hi! I'm a creepy old dude. Wanna see my buttcrack?

Dear Buttcrack Santa,

I’m gonna be honest here. The very fact that you exist kinda makes me ashamed to be a Twilight fan. I understand the importance of Waylon Forge’s murder in the plot development of the movie (and I agree it was a good thing to be added) but BUTTCRACK SANTA? Are you serious? The fact that the word “buttcrack” is uttered in the same movie where Robert Pattinson is playing the perfection that is Edward Cullen is what completely took Twilight out of Oscar contention.*

a

I’m one of those gals who loved Twilight the movie from the first moment I saw it. I had realistic expectations. I didn’t expect it to follow the book exactly- I expected it to fall short of Stephenie Meyer’s magical creation. All my expectations were met, and so I loved the movie. (And the fact that I fell in LOVE with a certain Robert Pattinson on the night of November 21st, 2008 probably helped too.) But that’s not to say that I wasn’t complaining about a few particular ‘no-no’s’ like the best of them:

• Spider Monkey: the perfection of Edward Cullen would never say those awful words, and the perfection of Robert Pattinson better have been paid a million bucks just to utter that shizz.
• Gay Eric Yorke: I’m cool with Eric being Asian even though the books never ever alluded to that, but how can a GAY Eric like Bella and ask her out? Last time I checked, homosexual males like other homosexual males.
• 

  Should've skipped the effect and given us more of Rob's abs

  Lame-Ass Sparkles: I love small budget films. I love that directors have to be more creative than their big-budget counterparts, but skimping on Edward “sparkling like diamonds?” Um HALE NO! And adding SOUND EFFECTS? That lame “special effect” can be achieved on my trusty ole’ ibook G4. I should never be able to create the same effect people in the “movies” create.

• Monkey-Man: As if I needed another reason to hate Nikki Reed, she has to call Emmett her “monkey man.” COME ON! Vampires EAT Monkeys! Say something sexier- like “My Purpose Driven Vampire“
• Eric Yorke playing with worm: Wtf? I have nothing else to say here. Ew. That’s just 2nd-hand embarrassing.
• Say-it Out loud: Okay, hold up a sec. I feel a little pressured here. I’m afraid that if I give in and actually “say it out loud” all the crazy S. Meyers-hatin’ feminists are going to come after me and tell me I’m a disgrace to the female gender…are you sure you want to pressure me that way, oh perfect Edward Cullen who would never pressure Bella like this in the books.. ever?

So you see, Waylon aka “Buttcrack Santa,” I don’t have many complaints with the movie. I didn’t even mind Victoria showing up at prom, despite the fact that obviously Edward would have caught her scent and obviously vampires can’t cry. I thought it was a nice effect. But a gay, worm-dangling, sparkling, monkey-man who utters the words “Spider Monkey” out loud? Sorry, I could’ve done without all of that. And you? Well, unfortunately for you, your life ended much too soon, but to be honest, how much of a life was it really if you were known around town as “Buttcrack Santa?”

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*I don’t actually believe this statement. It is false and one that is uttered with complete and total sarcasm. Unfamiliar with sarcasm? Leave our site now. I’m not kidding. Get the hell outta here.