Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!

Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2^nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

My “Twilight: Is This Really Happening To Me” Moment

Dear LTT gals, ladies & Bobbygee (wherever you are, *sniff*),

I miss you. I’m here in sunny (please be sunny next week, please be sunny) Mexico just thinking about you, missing Moon, wondering what The Font & White Yorkie are confused about in the Twilight world & just all around really wishing you were all relaxing in paradise with me. Sorta.

Before I left for the land of never-ending margaritas, nachos on the beach & fresh lobster for dinner, I received an email from LTT-reader turned real-life friend turned girl who is going to make my gardens look pretty (her family owns a local nursery I love. Oh and by “gardens” I, of course, mean the 2 plastic pots I have sitting on the stoop outside of my apartment), Yellow911T, with the following message I just had to share:

This is normal: There are Virginia Blue Bells blooming all over the yard at our new house and it was looking a little too much like “the meadow” to resist. I borrowed cardboard Edward (Cardward? Boardward?) from my sister a had my fiancee take this picture for me. He was really embarrassed and worried that the neighbors might see us. Oh well.

I.Freakin.Love.Her (and seriously- those flowers are outside of her house!?).

What I love the most about it though is that it’s… just normal. For us anyway. Twilight has infiltrated so much of our lives. We all know that by now- nothing should shock us!

Then we go this email from a reader with the best story proving that exact point, and I had to share this as well!

The merging of two great things....

Dear LTT,

Very recently I went through one of those things in a young woman’s life that is both traumatic and earth shattering. I got dumped. By a guy I REALLY liked and thought could be “the one.” We had tons in common; he wasn’t a vampire (cause we all know how difficult that makes things), we both love Star Wars, and we had great chemistry. BOOM. He even admitted on our first date he has seen the Twilight movies with his 13 year old niece, he didn’t love them, but he saw them because she loves them. Nice right? I thought so too. So after awhile of courting (he was Edward old fashioned, he even like butterscotch candies) I felt safe enough to say “this guy is my boyfriend and everything is FANTASTIC!”

Man, was I wrong. Shortly after my announcement to family and friends that we were exclusive, said “boyfriend” told me he didn’t think I was “appropriate” for his type of life style. What this really meant was that he, being old fashioned, didn’t think my “fast” personality was right for him. That I wasn’t a “good” girl. I was devastated. Not only am I a good girl, I’m a great girl. Sure, I occasionally partake in alcohol, cigarettes, Twilight movies, and sexy make outs (trying to keep it PG-13), but that doesn’t make me “fast.” So I did what all girls do when they’re grieving (no not a three month montage to Lykke Li) I went out with my girlfriends to get drunk. Is it constructive? No. Does it help make the sad thoughts diminish for a few hours? Yes. So we go out to the local bars and who do we run into……the very, very recent ex.

That was the last straw. He looked at me with those judgmental eyes, I stared back with my drunk KStew bitch face, and I knew what I had to do. I had to find my back up, my second in command, the old stand by, I needed to find my Jacob Black. And three shots of tequila later I did. One of my oldest, dearest friends walks into the bar and walks right over to me. We are incredibly close and on occasion, have been known to “hook up.” So while the ex looked on I weaved my magic with my version of Jacob Black and before you know it we’re having a steamy make out session Twilight Fan Fic worthy. Still aggravated about being dumped cause I wasn’t a good girl, I asked, “do you think I’m a good girl?” To which he replies “anyone who leg hitches like that isn’t a good girl.” Word for word. I almost died. DIED laughing. Here we are in this intimate moment and I’m laughing my ass off and say “did you just say leg hitch, while my leg is wrapped up around your hip?” He says “yeah so what?” So what? Well now my attention was completely turned to David Slade, Eclipse, Edward, LTT comments, and most of all the question “is the guy I’m about to sleep with a unicorn?” Turns out….he is. He’s actually a Twilight-word-using unicorn. If I hadn’t completely sobered up at this point I would have thought I was dreaming. But I wasn’t. This ridiculous situation was actually happening.

After realizing a Twilight-word-using unicorn had his hand up my shirt a mixture of arousal/disgust washed over me. I didn’t know if I should be offended that my leg hitching made me “bad” or excited cause maybe I could rope this mythical creature and keep him forever. Turns out, unicorns aren’t all they are cracked up to be and his fondness for Ashley Greene annoys and confuses me. SO needless to say I used that unicorn and then sent him back to the depths of RPatz’s hair forest until I need to use him again, but I’ll never forget the night “leg hitching” was used to describe an aggressive sexual foreplay move in real life and not just by the craziness that is Stephanie Meyer.

Love,

TeamJorts

Oh girl- The ONLY thing that would have made this story better was if you were actually WEARING jorts at the time!!

So I must get back to my vacationing in the land of Tequila Tomas (he says hi). As Twilight follows me EVERYWHERE, I’m sure I will come home regaling you with stories of Mexican-Twilight adventures. Get ready!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What is your “Twilight: Is this really happening to me?” Moment?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTT, The Forum, Twitter

Two Letters in One: Big Daddy Weeps, Kellan Tweets

WTF is this?! It's like an alternate universe!

Dear Big Daddy,

Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?

I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?

Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…

No, that's not an Egg McMuffin in my carryon this time, sir

Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?

02. Finally enroll in Olive Gardens “Culinary Institute of Tuscany” so you can make that Soup, Salad and Breadsticks at home any time you want!

03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.

04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”

OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!

Good bye world!
Themoonisdown

Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..

Oh hai there prepare for #charitytweets and #jesustweets and #straighttweets

Dear Kellan or should I say @KellanLutz (heh, heh!)

After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans)  had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…

enlarge this to break it down

So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…

Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before

02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf

03. You’re following @younglife – jesus luver! And we KNOW how much you love some hey-zeus!

04. You used the word “indigenous” (he googled that shit)

05. You followed @ashleymgreene (his true love/beard) BEFORE @IAMannalynnemcc

06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover

07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.

So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!

Your #1 Accountability Partner,
Themoonisdown

PS You might wanna read my How To Twitter guide I wrote for @twilight… might help you out in the future
PPS Are you following me as I late night Tweet? West Coast Wins! 😉

Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?

Stuff:
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Life after Breaking Dawn- A Contemplation

It’s UC, posting from the past (seriously, I’m drafting this like 2 years in advance) because I’m still on my romantic vacation with my husband having the BEST time of my life drinking the BEST drinks in creation (please don’t rain in Mexico, please don’t rain in Mexico). Today we have a great letter about life AFTER Breaking Dawn. Dream with us (or be horrified), won’t you?

Dear Stephenie,

Have you ever stopped to think about what life will be like a few years or so down the road for everyone with the way you ended Breaking Dawn? If not you should and I think you should consider about writing about it (AFTER you finish and publish Midnight Sun of course).

First you should probably know a couple things about me. I loved Breaking Dawn with all it’s flaws, even the ones that infuriated me (case in point: Edward delaying sex AGAIN after Bella’s a vamp on her first hunt. I yelled at the book/Edward. He finally can have worry free sexy time and he doesn’t take the opportunity? He has been a 17 year old for like 90 years, you KNOW he wants to get some. But no, he stops Bella by mentioning the kid. Seriously!? …but I digress…). Where was I? Oh yes things you should know about me. I’m an idealist and hopeless romantic, so as a result I have a weakness for getting a happy ending (twss). I like details. And another thing is I always want more. My mind constantly wonders, “then what?” I want the story to go on not wanting it to end. So I’ve thought several times since I’d first read Breaking Dawn “what would happen?”

Will the Volturi go after and kill Joham for his experimenting and creating those half-vamps? Will the Volturi stop there, or will they kill Nahuel the guy who saved them all from a bloodbath and his sisters? What will the Cullens do when they find out about it? Will they step in and go ninja on the Volturi’s asses and be the new Volturi family and everyone will live in fear of the Cullen’s wrath instead? Will all vampires for the rest of eternity say “you don’t provoke the Cullens unless you want to die”? Or will the Volturi do a sneak attack on the Cullens and try to take out Renesmee first?

Yes all of these things and much more have run through my mind. But the most nagging questions for me have been surrounding the four most central characters at the end of the story: Edward, Bella, Jacob, Renesmee… and sex. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m a very sexually minded creature).

Find out what this idealist, sexually-minded creature comes up with for “Life after Breaking Dawn” after the jump!

Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves

Open Weekend Post: Hosted by the Eclipse Cardboard Stand Ups

Dear Eclipse Merchandise/Marketing folks,

WTF happened here? Was someone asleep at the wheel? Let’s take a closer look?

First off the expression on his face. It’s a mix between “the one who smelt it, dealt it” and “eh, fuck it, let er rip.” Put that face in the NSYNC circa Pop Odyssey denim jacket with converse from the Target collection and you’re got a recipe from my dreams. Also pretty sure those are his personal black jeans. He doesn’t let anything but the best thrift store denim tough those thighs.

Next up…

Poor pooooor Jacob/Taylor. This is just an all around bad look. The poofy hair, the moobs (man boobs) showcased by a shirt that makes you look like you just ate the WHOLE Chipotle burrito during your lunch break and you’re really regretting it now. Worn with the haphazardly tied LUGGS and this cardboard cut out screams construction worker with his heart on his (non-existent) sleeve.

Who left the wind machine on between the America’s Next Top Model shoot and the Eclipse Promo photo shoot? And the poor girl was told “do the KISS ME” eye brow raise and ended up the recipient of some crazy photoshop shenanigans as her left eye is like 2 inches lower than the right. WTF happened there?

So if waking up in your darkened bedroom only to be greeted by a teenage construction worker who loves Carne Asada, America’s Next Top Model reject and the Fart-meister than these cardboard cut outs are for you. 33 bucks and the dream can be yours!

Happy Freakin’ Weekend!
Themoonisdown

Who’s buying one of these? I think the LTT/LTR headquarters needs the entire set so we can put them in compromising positions and feed the Jacob one tacos when we have writers block. Who’s with us?

Thanks Twifans for the tweet to tip me off!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilosophy, on a Friday?

Dear Twilosophy Class,

Normally on Fridays we like to go all “dumb” on you- post a funny story, a picture we can all lust over, etc. etc. etc. But today, you’re gonna have to DEAL with it because Moon & I got all Twilosophical through an email conversation with our friend EastFriend (yes- from The Quad- she’s still alive!) and it just HAD to be shared. While this may not be our normal Friday thang, you don’t want to miss this conversation. And we don’t want to miss your thoughts (although, I (UC) just left for vacation, so I’m going to have to miss it!)

EastFriend kicked us off sharing something she just read in Rolling Stone Magazine about Vampire Diaries, contrasting it with Twilight:

“We’re surrounded by bat-porn fantasies these days, but Vampire Diaries is the one that feels most authentic, because it’s the most adolescent, the most ordinary.  It would kill the fantasy if there were anything glamorous about Elena.  (That’s why Twilight was so great, when Kristen Stewart was just some mousy girl in a flannel shirt, and New Moon sucked, when Kristen Stewart was a movie star.)

EastFriend:

Really? “Twilight was so great?” “New Moon sucked?”

I do get the charm of the cast being relative unknowns when Twilight was 1st released, and the “old hat” feeling of them by the time we got to New Moon. And I also accept the fact that a percentage of the fandom is not on board with Eclipse due to (a) Being over it, (b) Hating Kristen, (c) Hating Rob for being with Kristen, (d) Worrying over David Slade and all these reshoot/new editor/blah-blah-blah rumors of late, etc., and (e) Complete over saturation of the series (how has Harry Potter maintained the magic for well over a decade?!?), which would fall in line with being over it, I guess.

Was Twilight “so great” because it was so “unknown” at first (and by unknown, I mean by the world at large–not by us, who’d read it at Hilton Head and knew greatness long before the masses!), and did New Moon suck because a cast full of young adults, heretofore unknown, had spent the previous year in our faces? Blogs, TV, magazine covers, websites, premieres, award shows, film festivals, etc.

Seriously. I have to discuss this.

Who is the best British fantasy star? I'm not sure, guess we'll have to see YOU naked, Rob...

UC:

The difference between Twilight and Harry Potter is that with HP we have to wait SO long between movies. I get why we don’t have to with Twilight:

#1- Summit wants the money NOW

#2- They don’t want the cast members to “Age,” but come on- it’s the MOVIES. you can make it work!

And about Twilight seeming so GREAT vs New Moon….I think it depends on who you ask about NM vs TWI…. reviewers & industry people hated both, but hated New MOON more- I think because it was a better quality movie- more money, more effort, less indie/rando/Cathy Cougar is a little drunk feeling. I think a lot of people connect with Catherine’s style & saw her portrayal of Twilight for what it was- a movie gearing towards the MTV crowd… and it was okay. It worked for what it needed to do. But with New Moon, Summit is trying to compete with major block-busters- with the Harry Potters & the comic-book-series of these days… and well, it falls majorly short if that’s what you’re comparing it to. But for us as fans (and most of the people that we come into contact with) the actors did SUCH a better job in NM & it was just less cheesy & more true to the book- so we love it more.

However… that being said.. I don’t have the emotional connection to New Moon like I did with Twilight. I haven’t watched the DVD yet. I didn’t see it as much in the theaters. Is that because of being inundated so much in the Twi world? After my emotional mess when I was entranced by this Twilight world and before I had the blogs to run to, I’d cry when I put on songs #7-12 of the soundtrack… the New Moon soundtrack is SOO GOOD and yet I never cried….. What IS that?

Get even DEEPER after the jump!

A Rebuttle: The Font wants to talk about the Leg Hitch and life and 93 Buicks

*Because we like to beat dead horses here at LTT and because the Font has a response to my letter from yesterday that you need to read and then hug someone after, here he is to talk about his take on The Leg Hitch*

Hey Twi-Fans.

How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.

So what’s been going on since we last talked? Oh, did someone write gay fan fiction about you and a close friend? Did you get yelled at on Twitter about Michael Vick by someone who is now blurring the line between fan and friend? Did a pretty girl you were interested in refer to you as “that Twilight guy” in person? No, no, sorry. I’m getting your life confused with mine.

But listen. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about Leg Hitch or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I cannot believe all of you women are getting this excited about dry sex. Seriously.

Yeah, sure, foreplay’s exciting NOW. Where were you when a generation of teenage males were locking themselves in their rooms eight times a day? If you would have asked a fourteen year old Font “hey buddy, what do you want to do all day?” I would have responded “dry sex and video games.” Maybe something about collectible card games if you caught me in the right month.

Now, I certainly was not unwillingly abstinent from dry sex for too long in my teenage years (thank you Cinco De Mayo pageant queens), and I harbor no grudges about teenagers being slow to give into their Font-related jean-on-jean urges. I get it. They were young and confused.

BUT. My point is this. When Moon explained what it actually was, I got confused, because that is like rank amateur shit. I was “leg hitching” in the back of my 1993 Buick Skylark before I was legal to drive it. It is not a complicated procedure. It is also not that uncommon.

It’s sort of like someone explaining to a pitcher what a curveball is. He’s almost going to get confused about what they’re talking about, because it’s so simple. What’s the big deal? Put your hand in the ‘C’ shape, twist and swing it over the corner of the plate. You’ve done it a thousand times before you got out of little league.

[Please appreciate how hard it was to not make a sex joke in the previous paragraph.]

All this to say! You are not really excited about Leg Hitching. You are excited about having a man desperately in love with you finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way. If there’s a takeaway for the legions of fourteen year old girls that I know read this blog daily: it’s that sex (even dry sex) matters.

None of the dudes you fall in love with is going to be as pretty as Edward, or have his literally rock hard abs. That is science. But they can love you the way that he does: not just cause you’re gonna give it up, or because he doesn’t like being alone, or because you’re a prop in the production that is his life.

And T&A is plentiful. There are always more nineteen year olds with tighter abs and thinner thighs, there’s always a new exciting girl with new noises and new things to say about how interesting your job/car/suit is.

But the SOUL, right? That stays. That’s eternal. You love a woman for something you can’t see, you’ll be there for awhile.

There’s an Edward out there for you. Some dude you’ll get excited about basic sex moves for. It’s worth separating the wheat from the chaff.

Yes, I actually wrote a post about the value of sex while using a vampire metaphor.

Until the next time someone says something dumb that upsets me,

The Font

Number one, let’s get mad at The Font for calling us 14 year old girls when clearly we don’t allow them here (although they occasionally sneak on. Hey little girl- Taylor Lautner probably likes boys now- you need to go on a Justin Bieber fan site.) Secondly, what do you think? Is The Font, gulp, right? Thirdly, do you like how I got carried away with all the motivational posters? Those are so addicting. Oh, and The Font thought of ALL of them!

Kinda think you might be crushin’ on “The Twilight Guy?” Read more from him

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Twilosophy: Why is the Leg Hitch in Eclipse SO important?

Dear LTT-ers and Twilosophy Majors,

Yesterday, after UC posted her thoughts on the Eclipse reshoots and how David Slade better get the “leg hitch” right and if that’s the reason for all the secrecy and need to go to Vancouver than she was all for it. Which we are, 100%. I mean we’re so committed to this being right we’re even willing to be the stand in’s or film it ourselves with a camera phone and Robert Pattinson in our wrought iron bed (we share one, duh. All good bloggers do) with gold brocade bedding we purchased at Anna’s Linens for the occasion. But as it turns out not everyone even knows what the crap the leg hitch even is. Witness this resulting conversation of me trying to explain it after yesterday’s post…
c

More like #cop a feel than #leg hitch

The Font: okay, i have pretended to understand this for long enough what the fuck is leg hitch?
Moon: i thought i explained it to you guys during a podcast
Font: no way, i would remember
Moon: ok, so in Eclipse theres this super hot scene that everyone always talks about. edward leaves to go off hunting with the dudes and leaves bella with alice and whoever at his house. well his room doesnt have a bed since vampires dont sleep so she thinks shes going to sleep on the couch or something during this weekend well anyway he gets her this bed (im so embarrassed) at some point in the weekend he comes back and they start getting it on. i will look up the quote but anyway during the making out it says something about “leg hitch.” we’ve been talking about it since last march and well it took off
Font:wait, leg hitch like his junk?
Moon: NOOOO! like grabbing someones leg and pulling it up
Font: I DON’T UNDERSTAND MOON*! what? this is a dry sex metaphor?
Moon: omg Font*
Font: Moon*, i have been reading this site for like six months (editors note: WAY longer. you’ve been making fun of me since at least last summer). i don’t know what the fuck is going on
Moon: OMG SERIOUSLY?!!!!! if you’re making out and/or having sex with someone
Font: i get it!
Moon: and you grab their leg like under the knee
Font: listen this is not my first rodeo
Moon: thank god! please dont make me explain it anymore!
Font: i really feel like this is a let down
Moon: why? cause, sometimes seeing behind the curtain isnt as good as the illusion.
Font:  truth, truth. But it’s such a weird phrase
Moon: I’m looking it up…

“He pulled my leg up suddenly, hitching it around his hip” -pg 186

Font: that doesn’t even make sense. these books are dumb
Moon: COME ON!

It's so important people feel the need to create fan art about it!

So of course this got me to thinking… why is the leg hitch so important? What about this seemingly small moment in the 3rd installment of the saga has captured the passion of so many people? And what does it say about the characters and us readers?

First off I think we have to understand that this is really one of the first “intense” (for them) make out moments Bella and Edward have. Besides some kissing and hugging the ultimate self cock blocker, Edward keeps it pretty G rated for the kids. So for readers who have been salivating over every little hand hold or emo eye locks in the science room, this is about more than we can handle. Bella and Edward touching… down… there?! ZOMG. But ever the moralist and well, a good story teller, Stephenie Meyer leaves us wanting more cause just when things are heating up Bella opens her dumb fat mouth and Edward remembers his priest-like lifestyle.

Secondly, this make out is the catalyst for a very important conversation between Edward in Bella. After remembering he thinks girls have cooties and pushing Bella away they discuss her not-s0-secret trips to La Push while he was gone. And FINALLY Edward figures out he’s being a monumentally freaky overprotective boyfriend and agrees that Bella should be able to visit Jacob and her friends in La Push. He comes to the realization that he needs to trust her judgment more. Even though she’s a danger magnet and is subconsciously, in some way in love with Jacob, Edward realizes that if Bella feels she’s safe than he needs to trust her.

Bada bing bada BOOM

And finally it’s important for Bella to see that Edward likes her in more than a vampire-I’m-attracted-to-your-blood-only kind of way. He wants her like any normal high school boy wants his girlfriend. Who doesn’t want to feel that way? Even though he shuts her down just when things are getting all mcsteamy up on the brocade bedspread, she already comes to the realization that he likes her on multiple levels.

But really, what isn’t there to GET about the leg hitch? It’s hot. It’s Edward in a bed doing all kinds of things high school girls and 20 somethings girls and 30 something girls and 40 something girls and moms and librarians and the Golden Girls dream about doing with a guy like him.

And THAT, my friends is why the much ballyhooed “leg hitch” is important!

We ain’t talkin’ trailer hitches!
Themoonisdown

So why do you think the leghitch is so important to us? Why is it important to Edward and Bella. What’s the BIG deal??

*We do not actually call each other Font and Moon in real life. Thank god. This is weird enough*

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Reshoots in Vancouver? What could POSSIBLY need to be reshot? Oh, I know…

Dear David Slade,

We’re 70 days out from Eclipse. SEVENTY. We’ve had one trailer (I think), a few stills, a lot of drama & rumor after rumor about so much stuff I can’t keep facts and rumors straight anymore.

Remember us?

Let’s think back to what was going on 70 days before New Moon released. I did a calculation (literally I checked it like 12 times & I’m probably still wrong) and figured out that was on September 10, 2009 (you remember, around our 10 month 9 month anniversary!)

70 days ago, Moon broke down ALL the best news in 10 words of less, signing off her Death Cab for cutie news section with my all-time favorite moonism ever:

Dear Chris Walla of Death Cab,
I think I’m in love, you called Edward an “A-hole.”

I will follow you into the dark,
Moon

We had the New Moon trailer released at the MTV movie awards and the LA times New Moon insider pictures. David you started your infamous twit pics of shadowy shapes of nature & pieces of grass, we had a soundtrack preview and more Jortspack pictures than we could handle. We were inundated with New Moon mania.

Sure, Chris Weitz is a DILF and you can’t compete with that- he rode the Summit PR train like Cathy Hardi rides Rob in her dreams. Eclipse WAS still filming during New Moon mania giving us double overload with Summit-released saga info as well as fan released Eclipse goods. And we know you’re doing reshoots in the upcoming days, so maybe you just don’t have anything good enough to give us. And speaking of reshoots, let’s vamp (ha!) on that for a second. Summit came out and acted like it wasn’t a big deal saying there were no major scenes to be re-shot. I think I’m gonna call your bluff. Not a big deal? We’re 70 days out- you’re in full on editing mode and there are some changes big enough that flying a few cast members to Vancouver is necessary? I’M GONNA CALL THAT A BIG DEAL.

As I’ve been kept awake late into the night thinking about WHY you might possibly need to re-shoot some scenes I’ve come up with only one possible explanation: You’re finally convinced the LEGHITCH is important and your half-assed attempt at it wasn’t good enough

We don't want any of your fancy-pants new dry humping in the meadow

You’ve been hearing our cry for a year now. You’ve seen our threatening tweets. Sure you didn’t believe us in the beginning and you tried some fancy new dry-hump scene where Bella feels the special tingles down there for the first time and tried to play it off as the leghitch, but that’s not what we asked for. That’s not what we need. It was simple. It was our only request- It’s the mother effing leghitch. And if my speculation is right and that IS why you’re going back up to Couve, then by all means, get it done, son! But just in case that wasn’t your plan and the LEGHITCH the RIGHT WAY still isn’t a part of the movie…… Here are some things I promise to do if there’s not a mother effing LegHitch, just the way we want it:

1. Make cardboard cut outs of Chris Weitz & you and note the difference in their height with a big ass sign above their heads saying “BIG MAN vs SMALL MAN.” Then I will sleep out for as many days necessary to get up in the FRONT of the red carpet at the premiere where I can display my cut-outs proudly
2. Boycott your movie (aka only see it once OR buy tickets for Sex in the City 2 and sneak into Eclipse without paying)*
3. Track down your home address & give it to Catherine Hardwicke, telling her you were hoping she’d ‘stop by for a visit,’ margaritas in hand, to retell the story of how she was responsible for the love affair that is Robsten. If you’re extra bad I’ll tell her you want to help her make a new Robsten video for You Tube.
4. Cut the blades of grass you were so adamant about taking pictures of during filming. You have a love affair with nature? Watch what I do to nature. Snip, snip.
5. I will convince the VPs at Summit (and I’m VERY convincing (read: I got a new shirt that shows off the ‘girls’ real well)) that you want to direct Breaking Dawn SO badly that you’re willing to do it for free.

Half-assed attempt? Or the REAL deal?

So to recap, Eclipse is coming up SOON (70 days, 70 days) and I feel like we know very little about it. I’m scared to hear you’re doing some reshoots so late in the game, yet encouraged if they are to fix major issues that will give us a frownsmile if they are allowed in the final cut. If you HAD other plans for your time in Vancouver and you DON’T currently have an amazing leghitch scene of epic proportions currently shot, then I suggest you quick grab a couple sheets of screenplay paper & your teeny, tiny pencil and write us a mother effing leghitchscene to end all leg hitch scenes

Or else.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Are you nervous they are doing reshoots? Are you still afraid we’re not going to get the leghitch we all dream of? Is this top priority on our fasting & praying list?

*once in college I snuck into a 2nd movie after paying for the first one with some friends & I still live with the guilt, so I probably won’t be doing option #2

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter