A special Twilight birthday wish, for a special Twilight Girl

Dear Moon,

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen! Continue reading

Taylor Lautner: Friendless?

Dear UC & Moon,

Something has been bothering me lately (not really), I’ve spent countless hours pondering this… I feel that it is vital (pointless) to get a better understanding of Taylor. Now, he’s finally legal, having just celebrated his 18th, what did he do? I know Big Daddy Lautner would splurge on a birthday cake for his big boy, and sure there were hats and balloons but… and this is what bothers me… Were his friends there? Does he HAVE friends???

We have only ever seen him with his ex, Swifty (<3), the Disney chick who’s name I don’t care to remember and Big Daddy of course and countless other nameless faces (probably his management, and ALL ADULTS!) What normal 18 year old doesn’t have a group of friends? Friends his OWN AGE? I mean, Rob has his BritPack, Kstew has her fake lesbians but Tay??? Where’s his crew?

Guys, I need your help here… I need to rest easy knowing Tay has some guy friends and if not… I say we hold a friend audition! I vote no on Justin Bieber and anyone affliated with Disney (especially the JoBros). Any suggestions?

Resting uneasy,
Hepburn

Well Hepburn, what a FABULOUS idea. I’d be lying if I said Moon & I hadn’t had this concern ourselves. We’ve spent many a five minutes hour worrying about Taylor’s apparently lack of friends. Not that we think he’s complaining- with a father like Big Daddy, who needs friends? But for the sake of his fans & all those who are becoming more and more convinced of his homosexuality because of his never-ending slew of of female, Disney star friends/PR ploys, I think we need to get to the bottom of this.

First things first, I did a quick google search to see what Tay-Tay has been up to lately. It looks like he was recently spotted at a Lakers game. He HAD to go with friends, right!? RIGHT!? I snagged these photos from EclipseMovie.org for us to investigate:

Evidence #1

Wait- that’s not a minidress & a bra strap I see- that’s a MAN shoulder. And NOT Big Daddy’s! DO we have some proof!? Does Tay Tay have a FRIEND?

Evidence #2

It looks like Tay-Tay may have changed seats to get a better view of the basketball players the honeys (or else that WAS Big Daddy next to him in the first picture and he ran out for a second to stock up on the $79.95 Lakers-Bakers combo (Nachos with chili & bacon, four hot dogs, 2 64 oz Coca-Colas, caramel popcorn, a bucket of fries topped with chedder & crab and a fried twinkie for dessert. Oh, plus a side salad and a gatorade for Taylor)) Not sure who the new guy on Tay-Tay’s left is. Could it be another possibility for a friend?

Evidence #3

Is he looking at Kobe Bryant? Or the girls? Will we ever know?

Uh oh- this piece of evidence is supicious. No red-blooded 18 year old male would leave Taylor in front of cheerleaders who haven’t eaten in 3 weeks (except for the girl who gobbled up the crab-fry that Big Daddy dropped) ALONE. Is it true? Does Tay-Tay have no friends?

Evidence #4

It's called a what? And THAT's what Rob said he was allergic to?

Our final piece of evidence shows us Taylor, seeing the nether regions of a woman for the first time, next to a male. Is it a fan who wanted to ask what it was like NOT being a bear? Is it his manager (who is apparently gay) telling him horror stories about sex with women? Is it Big Daddy, who miraculously dropped 167 pounds after consuming the Lakers-Bakers Combo? I think we ALL know it’s NOT a friend. No 18 year old male has what looks to be the beginnings of a full beard. Unless he’s a hipster. And no hipster would wear a collared shirt. He’d be in an ironic Fish-O-Filet sponsored “Relay for the Heart 1994” T-shirt.

After seeing these pictures of Taylor out for a night of crab-fries and Kobe Bryant, I have to conclude…… that Taylor has no friends…

Find out what we’re going to do about this piece of news, after the jump! Continue reading

#FanFail- what is it in the Twidom?

Do I have to photoshop Robsten in order to be a fan?

Dear Twilight,

I realized yesterday that I, quite often, hashtag #fanfail, even when I’m not on Twitter, when talking about myself as a fan in this Twidom. If I forget who a minor character is or accidentally miss Ashley Greene’s dog’s birthday or forget to mention that when the manager of the McDonald’s in Pasadena gave control of the franchise to Big Daddy Lautner for one day, I am hard on myself. I sometimes consider myself a failure as a fan.

I realized that I think this about myself when yesterday morning I received an email from an old friend you might remember, EastFriend from The Quad, who, I can only imagine was INSPIRED BY GOD to say (aka she read Moon’s post from yesterday), “Don’t hate me. I’m a bad fan, but WHO is Boo-Boo Stewart!?” I wrote back, “You’re NOT a bad fan. No one is supposed to remember who he is.” But it spurred on some thoughts in my mind about who IS or ISN’T a bad fan. Can we really quantify that? Is there a fine line between FAN and NON-FAN? There just might be….Here is what I’ve come up with.

Here’s how you know you’re STILL a fan:

  • It IS okay if you still aren’t sure what part Boo-Boo Stewart plays and wonder if he’s actually Justin Bieber’s younger brother. You’re still a fan.
  • It IS okay if you’re not sure who Justin Bieber is & think he’s probably connected to The Twidom since he’s trending at #1 on Twitter almost every day and what else can be that popular other than something Twi-related? You’re still a fan.
  • Even if you haven’t watched New Moon on DVD yet… You’re still a fan.* (see my explanation below)
  • It’s okay if you don’t know why Rob Pattinson is in Budapest right now. You’re still a fan.
  • It’s EVEN okay if you still like Nikki Reed on occasion and don’t understand why people seem to hate on her. You’re still a fan.
  • Guess what? Even if you thought TWILIGHT was better than NEW MOON even though it wasn’t as good but it was still better (follow me?) You’re still a fan.
  • If your cousin’s boyfriend’s half sister’s brother told you that one of the Twilight cast members is gay because he experienced it first-hand and you forget whether or not that knowledge is public because you are so disconnected from the Twidom. You’re still a fan.
  • If you LIKE your Twilight books & movies pure & innocent and even though you feel majorly cock-blocked you’d rather that than have all the blanks (and SO MUCH MORE) filled in by FanFic writers, You’re still a fan.

Here is how you know you MIGHT need to turn in your fan card:

  • You lost your Twilight books. And didn’t immediately replace them. You’re probably not a fan
  • If You saw this commercial and did not IMMEDIATELY think that it’s Big Daddy Lautner’s theme song, then You’re probably not a fan.
  • If you don’t own even one little embarrassing memento of your obsession (like a bookmark or a melted piece of Jacob milk chocolate) You’re probably not a fan
  • You saw the new Nicolas Sparks book-turned-film last weekend and are now on Team Miley-Cyrus’ Boyfriend, You’re DEFINITELY not a fan
  • You ran into Cathy Hardi at the TGIFridays in Venice Beach and now you’re dreading your hair, smoking the tree, prank calling Oregano at 4 am and talking shizz about Summit and how they “screwed the pooch with that Weitz-guy.” You’re either not a fan or Cathy roofied your drink while she distracted you by showing you the Robsten audition tape on her cell phone

So it’s hard to tell.  Am I still a fan? Are you a fan or not? Where is the line? It’s not black & white. It’s all gray & gray’s not good (or cool), but I think we can say this. For as long as I continue blogging on LTT, even if I mistakenly think that Boo Boo Stewart is a distant cousin of Kristen’s, I’m still allowed my fancard. And if you still read LTT every day (or at least 3.67 times a week), despite forgetting the exactly date and time of Edward Masen Cullen’s birthday, you’re still a fan, as well.

Glad we settled that!
UnintendedChoice

*I haven’t watched New Moon on DVD yet. And yet I blog about Twilight each and every day of my life (except Sundays now- it’s my day of rest) so if you wanna say I’m not a fan, I’ll be happy to have a fan off with you. And show you my boobs. For fun. Cuz I wouldn’t win if we had a boob-off, but it’d be fun to say I was a part of.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Reasons to keep blogging about vampires

Dear faithful readers,

Quite often we receive emails from our beloved readers and without a doubt a first time emailer always says something like this:

UC & Moon,

Oh I feel like I’m writing to celebrities! You guys have no idea how lost I was before I found you. I’ve just stopped working for the past 3 days to read EVERY SINGLE post you wrote in the past! I think you are so funny and smart and SO freakin’ beautiful. I mean, UC, have you considered sending in a picture to Rob? He’d drop whatsherface in a second if he knew what you looked like. I don’t know how you guys do it- write letters- each and every day!

Love,
Your biggest fan

Okay so maybe I made SOME of that up, but without a doubt, at least once a day we get asked “how do you do it day after day?” Whenever I get those emails I want to write back:

IT’S 11:48PM AND I HAVE TO BE IN BED AT MIDNIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE TO BE UP AT 6:30 FOR WORK AND I HAVEN’T WRITTEN A SINGLE WORD OF MY LETTER TOMORROW. SO HOW DO I DO IT EACH AND EVERY DAY? HOW ABOUT I STOP. DO YOU WANT TO WRITE MY LETTER TOMORROW?

All in caps like a 12 year old (or my grandmother) for emphasis. Because some days, and I’ll be honest MOST days these days, I have NO inspiration. Nothing to write. Usually “how” I do it day after day is that I heard the news, read something funny, got a brilliant idea during the day at work. I start a draft or jot down ideas in no real form and then later that night when I’m home, I spend a little bit of time crafting it into a letter. The problem THESE days is that there’s no ideas flowing while at work. There’s no news to speak of or no funny things to make funnier. So no draft gets written, and I get home and want to watch the Olympics/Gossip Girl/Anything just so that I don’t have to write my letter. And that’s NOT fun.

But I don’t want to stop blogging about Vampires. I like blogging about vampires. (And I should probably add on to the “vampire-blogging” title and include things NOT related really at ALL to vampires but still somehow all relate back to vampires, like: pedophilia/monkeys/buttcracks/olive garden/lesbianism/XXL polo shirts/Taylor Swift/Paris’ Hilton’s ex’s etc. etc. etc.)

But I need encouragement. I need to remember WHY I do this. So I’ve decided to create a document. For Moon too because she’s in the same boat I am. Here are the reasons I came up with for why I can’t stop blogging about vampires:

Big Daddy Lautner1. We still haven’t met Big Daddy: The cream of the crop, the creme de la creme, the goal, my life’s mission and once it’s done I can die happy. And it hasn’t happened yet. Do you think it’s gonna happen if I give up LTT and go back to my boring blog with 58 followers (Aww that was mean- I love my boring blog. Sorry boring blog) NO. I must keep blogging about Vampires in order to hopefully one day meet Big Daddy Daniel Lautner, former pilot now In-N-Out destroyer/Olive Garden supporter. I know that the more I mention “Fish-o-filet” sammys in my letters, the better chance we’ll come up in a google search result for “Fish-O-Filet” and Big Daddy will see our site and think “They want to meet me!?” So if you’re reading this Big Daddy Daniel Lautner, Yes! We want to meet you. And we want to throw our hands 1/4 a way around you in a big hug. Or grab a bunch of friends to do a group hug so we can reach all the way around.

2. We still have two- maybe three- more movies: (F-M-L) And with epicness like Buttcrack Santa in Twilight, strong KungFu and “they’re not bears” in New Moon, you KNOW whatever Eclipse and Breaking Dawn #1 and #2 will bring will be THAT MUCH MORE EPIC! I mean, imagine all the jokes we’ll make when Taylor has to act like a guy/wolf in love eventually but not yet with a CGI baby. I mean, we’re gonna see Kristen with a prosthetic stomach. We HAVE to be around for that! The fandom needs us. We can’t let someone think “Oh, that’s not as awkward as I thought it was gonna be.” You’re wrong, fandom. We know this already. It is MORE awkward and we have to be around to remind you of that daily!

Meet Boo-Boo. Does that move look familiar?

3. Where will all your fine readers go? Back to boring un-named blogs that say things like “Here is a picture of Boo-boo Stewart hugging a little child. How sweet” NO! That cannot happen! There will be a day, mark my words, probably the summer between 9th and 10th grades, when Boo Boo’s balls drop, his voice deepens, he grows taller and muscular and confesses that “Boo Boo” was what his mom started calling him when he came in the house crying at age three saying “boo boo on my knee. boo boo on my knee” and his real name is James or Tim. And do you think the OTHER un-named boring sites will say, “Call Chris Hansen. James/Tim Stewart has entered our radar. Hold me back.” I don’t think so.

4. Someone needs to keep Kellan accountable in his faith. It’s tough being the hot piece of man meat that he is. He wants to stray. He wants to take those Calvin’s OFF but he doesn’t. Cuz he knows we’re watching. That’s why he climbed in a tree and read his Men of Faith Bible that he got at a Promise Keeper’s conference in 2005 with his dad and Uncle Jerry. If we weren’t around that would be him, naked in a tree reading a Hustler mag. We need to do this for Kellan.

So, faithful readers, I got us started but help me finish the list. Why should we keep on blogging about vampires. I will take the best reasons, add them to what I started and put the list into PDF form, laminate two copies, mail one to Moon, make her memorize it and say it EVERY day as our mantra.

Your faithful vampire blogger,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Chris Hansen: Protector of underage wolves & this girl’s worst enemy

I was browsing our mailbox looking for something amazing to share with you today, and I came across two honest letters from this reader, who loves all the wolves, whether Chris Hansen likes it or not:

jakesmolder

I'll detour you right into a wall.....

Dear Twilight (in all shapes and forms),

I’m that kind of girl…you know who I’m talking about- the girl who wants to be a hip early 20something, foreign-films-with-subtitles watching and epic poetry-reciting- type. Instead I’ve become the girl who takes a detour during work just so I can get a glimpse of the new “New Moon” cover with the smoldering Taylor on it, covers my face when I ask for a magazine with anything Twilight related and gets ignored when I send pics of Boo Boo Stewart to my friends, nonchalantly hoping for a fangirl reaction. In other words…my name is IllegalWolfLover and I’m a Twilosexual.

The only people who knew of my problem before this letter were my fiance (who is slowly morphing into a unicorn) and my cat (who perfectly embodies both Edward and Jacob with smoldering stares and excessive body heat). I haven’t even told my parents, and I have a feeling they’d feel better if I was admitting to being a fake-lesbian rather than this thing I’ve become.

I can understand why someone would want to wear this...

I can understand why someone would want to wear this...

I want to wear a Twilight tee with pride rather than sneering at the 8 year olds who wear “Team Jacob” tees just because their moms can’t. I want to be able to talk about the wonder of Edward and Jacob and the steamy goodness of “Team Switzerland” without having a million people roll their eyes at me. And finally, I want to make peace with myself for not going to the midnight screening just because I don’t want fangirls screaming and disturbing my viewing pleasure. I wanna be outed, but no one (sniff) no one cares….Tell me, you “loud and proud” amazing Twilighters, what is a girl to do?

I have resorted to pulling an “Eddie” and driving around fan-sites (in my mustard yellow ford transit) and perving, but now I have decided…I’m putting the candy out there and hopefully I will lure in a friend….we can hold hands and tell my parents….together….

Thanks for listening,
A lonely Jort in Jacob’s closet,

IllegalWolfLover

Dear “Jacob’s Transformation” clip,

We need to talk…*pats seat beside her*. I know you dread those four words more than Big Daddy dreads dropping his last filet-o-fish on the street, but I need to tell you something…I think I should start seeing other clips. No please don’t cry, you know I hate it when you do that…let me explain…ever since we first met a few days ago….I’ve been having these feelings. Like I’m obsessed with you. Remember the night I first saw you? I couldn’t stop looking at you…I even played you in bed while my fiance was nearby. You really made my kitty meow that night.It was dangerous and exciting and it felt oh so right, but it has to end….

I have no life because of you. I’m not “down with the kids” anymore, and I wanna be able to accomplish things without knowing that watching your 1 minute of hot and dirty goodness will be my reward. But you know how to keep me coming back for more don’t you? You keep teasing me with little things I didn’t notice before like how hot Paulex is (even when he sprays a little in his anger) or how Taycob stumbles just a liiiitle bit during his run, or Sam’s Alpha voice.

But worst of all, you’re making me fall in love with you, and believe me, I’m not that kind of girl….you even made me impatient to get to you…before I knew it I was shooing away Taylor’s face (gasp!) just to get to you and that’s when I realized….you’ve gone too far. So I’m deleting you…forever. It will be as if you never existed…..

I.Love.You.
IllegalWolflover

PS: Spoilers– Don’t watch if you don’t want to (PS: we saw this BEFORE Moon’s post yesterday)

Give IllegalWolfLover some much needed Twilight friends!
And hang out on The Forum
It’s Saturday- with Rob & Moon on LTR

Wolfpack Appreciation – Jorts Club!

Dear Wolfpack,

Looks like Sunday might be our unofficial Appreciation Day here at LTT! Since last week I have been thinking about who we should feature next and it struck me that we don’t talk about you guys enough! I mean sure, we talk about Taylor but he’s in the trinity, that doesn’t count! And mostly this is just an excuse for us to post gratuitous amounts of shirtless pictures of healthy looking boys with all their OWN hair and feature one of your lovely ladies! And also, the Wolf just happened to be my high school mascot, so I hold a special place in my heart for Los Lobos and take any chance I can to yell crap like “Wolfpack Pride!” and hold up the wolf hand signal which also just happens to be the Sundevil sign. So if you see me doing this while watching New Moon, you’ll know why.  Ok, enough Arizona nerdery.

So here we go again with another Appreciation Day, Wolfpack style. All the stuff I appreciate…

booboovancouver

Either a diabetic or wears a kickin' dad phone on his belt

BooBoo- Freakin cutie Seth Clearwater. You’re the newest addition to this gang of good hoodlums and if I’m honest the first pics I saw of you with the long hair, I was super underwhelmed but as with all other casting choices I should just learn to trust those casting folks because after that haircut you transformed into Seth! You’re not exactly what I pictured when I read Seth’s character in the book originally but just like Taylor before you, you ARE Seth now. And this is all based on a couple pictures! I can’t wait to see you actually on screen!

Weapon of mass hottness!

Weapon of mass hottness!

Alex – Model with a message. Always looks like a model even while wearing my favorite Native American tshirt and proving that wolves don’t need protection from the elements like rain in Vancouver.

Follow the cut to appreciate the rest of the pack!
Continue reading

All the Twilight news that’s fit to print – Unicorns and lots of BooBoo’s

Xavier: I thought I was supposed to be deaf? Ash: Trust me, that excuse only works once!

Xavier: I thought I was supposed to be deaf? Ash: Trust me, that excuse only works once!

Dear LTT-ers,

There comes a time every few weeks or so that we have to do a news dump because there’s simply too much news and not enough letters in the day. So here’s all the news we think you should know about but couldn’t cover.

Extra, Extra, Read all about it!
Themoonisdown

  • Our BFF Ashley Greene gets a Twitter and proceeds to lull us to sleep with tweets of her sleeping habits and stories of buying dog food. There’s something to be said about keeping the mystery, isn’t there? Love you BFF!
  • Dude, Xavier did you forget what I told you to say if Jackson invited you to a 100 Monkeys show!? Did he not think you were deaf or sick with food poisoning? In other news, HIGH FIVE for going with Ashley, maybe you’ll be the lucky SOB to finally figure out she’s a hot piece, while the rest of that numbnuts cast wonders why they don’t have a girlfriend, or why theirs smells of grease.
  • Both Melissa Rosenberg and Justin Chon dish that Eclipse will be a much “darker” film. No really? This is the book in that saga that contains the story of Jasper’s shady past, killing innumerable people, the turning and training of a newborn vampire army, the rape of Rosalie at the hands of her fiance, and fight training all culminating in arguably the saga’s most satisfying moment of conflict: the battle. So “dark,” you say? NO DUH!
Jacob hungry! Me want filet-o-fish!

Jacob hungry! Me want filet-o-fish!

  • New Moon Action figures go on sale at Hot Topic. Is it just us or does Jacob look a little “special” in the face?
  • Little Jacky is photographed with a boo-boo (not the kid playing Seth) Tuesday. No one knows whether it was his hand, his head or that terrible wig that was injured. I’m hoping he broke his hand after punching out the wig department after he saw his reflection in the mirror. Jackson Rathbone-r: kicking ass and NOT taking names!
  • Little BooBoo Stewart gets his first tattoo! Awww, they grow up so fast, don’t they? How friggin cute is this kid?!

Follow the cut for more news, shirtless Kellan and Jackson the Unicorn!
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