The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still attached to this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon
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My Twilight confession (it just makes no sense)

Dear Twilosophy 101 Class,

A few days ago I was just sitting at my desk at work and suddenly overcome with emotion. Like I cried real, actual tears. Why? Oh, just “Flightless bird, American mouth” by Iron & Wine from the Twi soundtrack came on. Why in the world did that make me cry!? Because I started remembering how it used to choke me up, and how I used to listen to the soundtrack over and over again… Remembering the story- Remembering Bella and Edward…their forbidden love… and DYING to see the movie again!

Hey. I have a beard. And will make you cry with my songs

I’ve seen New Moon 4 times (I know, THAT’s it! Moon is killing me in the # of times she’s seen it!) It’s still in a few theaters in my area, although it’s not EVERYWHERE like it was…. but, honestly, I’m not sure I’m going to go see it again. I don’t NEED to see it. I NEEDED to see Twilight. I’d sit at my desk, I’d get all teary-eyed when Iron & Wine came on… and then I’d make plans to go see the movie.

It makes no sense.

It’s not rational.

Twilight isn’t good

New Moon is better (but still not very good)

So why am I choked up right now? Is it the reminder of how entranced I was a year ago by the phenomenon? Is it the remembrance of the hours I spent google-stalking Rob Pattinson and learning intimate details about all the cast members we hate slash love now?

The hype has died down. Forget for a second that New Moon has made almost 700 billion dollars world-wide- The Twilight movie’s hype lasted longer. Maybe it’s because they needed to make room for Avatar, but New Moon is disappearing in theaters all across the country. I think this time last year it was still going strong in theaters across the nation. Twilight wasn’t released world-wide all at once, so I suppose the hype and buzz just grew and grew into eventual explosion. New Moon feels like it all exploded at once on November 20th.

But why don’t I cry when I listen to the New Moon soundtrack? God knows it’s the most effing depressing thing out there. Bon Iver kills me when he sings with St. Vincent. Thom Yorke gives me butterfly feelings in my belly (get the soundtrack on vinyl if you have a record player- besides the fact that it’s annoyingly on 4 sides, it sounds so amazing!) but I don’t cry. There’s no ‘moment’ song like Iron & Wine’s song at the prom scene for me.

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling like a crazy person (I am) because I’m crying over memories of a really bad movie and how it made me feel, and I’m wishing that its less bad but still sucky part 2 would make me feel the same…

Here’s to that mother effing leg hitch and whatever song comes with it that better make me cry a whole year later after I first hear it,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Am I crazy? Feel the same? Self-conscious cause you know The Font is gonna read your comments?

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