Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.
*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*
*On your local Public Access station*
Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?
As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!
I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?
*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*
Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…
Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…
Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)
Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.
Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!
*Luke the bartenders cell rings*
Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*
Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.
Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!
Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon
Ashley – Hi everyone! I’m so happy to be here tonight to help out such a great cause and to try out Friday’s newest mucho margaritas! I’m also here to announce my special treat tonight for every donation that you the viewers make!
Cathy– That’s right folks for every donation made tonight Ashley Greene has agreed to remove one item of clothing for the cause! You may have thought that Maxim cover was hot but just wait till you see Ashley Greene stripping next to a basket of Mozzarella sticks courtesy of our host here TGIFridays!
*phones start ringing*
Nikki Reed– Cathy! We just got a donation of 5 dollars from a guy named Smackson Smathbone! Take it off Ashley!
*Ashley removes one sock and eyes the mozzarella sticks*
Cathy – Sexxxxy girl… sexy! Now we have a very special live performance that you won’t see on those OTHER telethons! Jackson Rathbone and his band 100 Monkeys are here to play you a very special song about Haiti that they’re going to improvise… take it away boooys!
100 Monkeys Play– Earthquakes suck… earthquakes suck… but we love Haiti we love Haiti! Let’s give tons of money, come on honey! You got the bucks we got the tucks… SING IT WITH US!
Cathy *yelling over the noise* – BUT WE DON’T KNOW THE LYRICS!!! YOU JUST MADE IT UP!!
*Public Access Stations everywhere bleep out the rest of their performance*
Cathy *with Mud Slide drink in hand takes sip* – Whew… I had to order a MUCHO sized one of these to help ease my frazzle-lazzele-ed ear drums… THANKS Smackson… I mean Jackson. Let’s go back to the phones!
Oregano – We just got a 3.00 donation from the Land of Dreamers if the 100 Monkeys will stop playing. And I matched it cause I couldn’t hear anything. I think we may have missed a couple calls while they were playing. So that brings us to to a grand total of 11.00 for the people of Haiti!
*Ashley removes headband*
Cathy – Truuuulllyyyy ahmazing you ghuuyyss and guess who just showed up at Happy Hour for Haiti! It’s Big Daddy Lautner! He will be making a matching donation for every appetizer he can eat tonight he will send a matching food donation to the people of Haiti. I hope they like Nachoooos! Why don’t you go over therrre by Ashley, Big Daddy, she’s got the sampler platter to get you started.
*Big Daddy sits in a booth next to Ashley and the apps*
Cathy – I can’t wait to see how many fried green beans that guy can put down! Now for a special treat we’re going to have the Wolfpack, and by wolfpack I mean Solomon Trimble and that other guy, rip through a pair of Jorts just like the Power Team used to rip through phone books. Who’s gonna make a donation?! This is ahmazing stuff you guyyysss
Nikki– I’ve got an idea Cathy, maybe you should make a call to some of your other celebrity friends and drum up some donations?
Cathy – Prrrrrrfect, get it I purred cause I’m a “Cat” Get it?! HA. ha. ha. hahahaa. *takes another sip* Ok, dial up Robert Pattinson! I think one of us still has that number!
*Nikki dials and lets it ring and ring*
Cathy– They’re not answering?! WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! Just cause he’s hosting his own snotty telethon with freakin’ Dr. Ross he thinks he doesn’t have to donate to Happy Hour for Haiti?! We’ll show him! CALL UP the UK phone number to Hope for Haiti Now! Get Rob on the line!
*Nikki dials and puts it on speaker phone as Rob answers*
Rob – Hello! Thanks for calling in to Hope for Haiti Now, you’re live on the air with Robert Pattinson caller, tell us your name and how much you’re donating!!
*Silence and heavy breathing then Cathy takes a slurp of her Mudslide*
Rob – Uh…… Catherine, is that you?
Cathy – NO!!! It’s Kristen Smewart and I wanted to ask you if your refrigerator is running! Cause you better catch it!! HANG UP NIKKI! HANG UP!!
Big Daddy – Did you just crank call the Hope for Haiti Now Telethon?
Cathy – Shut it big man, I made your son! Get back to those fried pickles! And I’ll show HIM! Folks, this is unprecedented and I NEVER do this but I’m going to donate something that’s near and dear to my heart. Whoever calls in with the largest donation will get a copy of THE AUDITION TAPE of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson from my bedroom. Now START DONATING! We’ll be naming the lucky winner after this next performance. And look who get walked in! Mike Welch! Mike, why don’t you introduce this next act, I need a filler-upper on this drink.
Mike Welch – Uh, thanks Cathy? I’m not sure what’s going on here cause I was just meeting a “friend” here for dinner *Justin Chon walks in the door* But I’ll just read these cue cards, Cathy… And now for a special treat we have another live musical performance! Sure, that other telethon may have Beyonce and JayZ and U2 and Taylor Swift (sorry Taylor Lautner!) but we’ve got Ned Ballamy! Yes, that’s right folks the man who played beloved character Buttcrack Santa is here to perform a special rendition of “Mama Said” for us. Take it away Ned!
Cathy – *glazed eye look* Hmmmm Ned that was soooooo wonderrrrful. Now let’s go to the phones and see who the lucky person who gets THE AUDITION TAPE is!
Oregano – Cathy, during that last performance we received one phone call from the Robsten Lovers of Omaha Association and they have have banned together to donate $12.37 and a #Follow Friday mention for THE ROBSTEN AUDITION TAPE on your bed. Which brings our grand total to $23.37 and a Follow Friday mention for the people of Haiti.
*Ashley takes off her bracelet*
Cathy – $23.37 and a Follow Friday mention?!
Nikki – According to the TV over the bar, that’s showing Rob’s telethon, they brought in $17.57
Cathy – HAHAhahahah*hiccup*hahahahaHA HA HA! TAKE THAT ROBERT PATTINSON! We beat your fancy shmancy telethon so SUCK IT! And by the way Robsten Lovers of Omaha, congratulations on winning THE AUDITION TAPE! It’s so worth the 12 dollars ladies, trust me. I hope all your dreams come true after watching it. Now someone get me another Cougarita and turn off those damn cameras.
*Public Access Station cuts the live feed*
Moon & UC
All joking aside the Hope for Haiti Now telethon is such a generous way for the celebs participating to help give back. Are you going to be watching the telethon? Numerous stations across the world will be airing the “Hope for Haiti Now” special and Robsesssed has a post with places you can see the event oversees. If you can’t call in during the “Hope for Haiti Now” special, check out our post on Haiti from last week for ideas on where to give. Together we can all make a difference! LET’S DO THIS!
Are you all beyond excited to see the telethon and catch a glimpse of Rob after this long drought? Who else are you going to be watching for?
The gals in the forum are running a telethon contest, go over there to find more out and be apart of the fun!
Filed under: Ashley Greene, Buttcrack Santa, Jackson, Michael Arangano, Nikki Reed, Rob Pattinson, Taylors Dad, Twilight, Video Tagged: | 100 monkeys, Ashley Greene, Big Daddy, buttcrack santa, Catherine Hardwicke, Cathy, comedy, cougar, funny, give back, Haiti, Haiti Telethon, Happy Hour For Haiti, Jackson Rathbone, Micheal Arangano, Micheal Welch, Mike, Ned Ballamy, nikki reed, Oregano, Robert Pattinson, Robsten, Solomon Trimble, Telethon, TGIFridays, Twilight, Video