Mr. Choice watches New Moon

Dear Unicorns, LTTers & those who care about a man’s opinion of New Moon,

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary with Mr. Choice. This combined with my mention last week of not being done with New Moon quite yet really puts me in the mood to share with you an experience I had a week or so ago:

Mr. Choice said to me, on a Sunday afternoon, “I’d like to watch New Moon with you.” After I looked around for the “Pun’k” cameras and checked to feel if I still had a pulse, I asked him what I had to do in return. Apparently nothing (Well, there was a 30 second conversation about me needing to be in the “buff” in order for him to watch it, but I promised to make him popcorn instead. After 4 years of marriage I’ve learned what compromise means. And that sometimes food wins over sex) Watching New Moon with Mr. Choice was interesting. And embarrassing. And really kind of fun!

Here are his thoughts:

He did not know who the old woman was in the first scene despite Bella calling her “Gram” a few times

Have you seen my werthers? I seem to have misplaced them...

When Edward appeared in the field- he gasped. And Laughed. Then asked if I had a lady boner (I did)

Your werthers are in my pants...

Mr. Choice is a musician- a very talented one- and dreams of one day writing the score for a Twilight film. Before last night he had never heard the score to New Moon. Every night as I’m falling asleep I hear this song coming from his studio- it sounds JUST like the main theme from New Moon. I told him I thought that awhile back and he said he wrote the song in high school. Tonight, he said, “Desplat stole this shit from me. I have the original score in a box at my parents house.” He was pretty pissed the rest of the film…..Someone owes the Choice family a bunch of money…

When Jacob first appears outside of the school, he stops it and rewinds yelling IS THAT A MULLET!? Then we had to watch it in slow mo while I took this screen shot:

After Alice gives Bella her bday present and Jasper wishes her a happy birthday (well, he starts to wish her a happy birthday and then says “Nevermind…”) we had this conversation:

Mr. Choice: Why is he mean?
UC: He just controlled her mind right there. And then afterwards he noticed/felt how mad she was. So he decided not to follow through with his birthday wish. Plus he has a really bad wig. So he doesn’t know how else to act

During the famous line “You’re my only reason to stay alive (awkward pause) if that’s what I am (awkward Pause),” Mr. Choice yelled, “HE IS NOT GOOD!”

When the blood fell to the floor I heard the biggest, fakest GASP of his life. And then utter laughter when Edward goes after Jasper & pushes Bella out of the way. And then lastly, there was some true concern for the piano.

During the birthday kiss by the truck- the one we’ve talked about many times (aka the one I heard in the theater when the screen went black)

Mr. Choice yells, “DID HE JUST ROCK IT!?” I laughed and said, “I told you about how it sounds like they’re having sex when you close your eyes.” And he said- “NO. LOOK.” Then rewound it (it took us like 5 hours to watch the movie with all the rewinding), and put it on slow mo. He’s right. Something happened. Maybe the gaffer took the mic from below and gave Rob the ultimate tickle or something, but he definitely, using Mr. Choice’s choice of words, “ROCKED IT”

Oh yeah Gaffer.... right there.... right there...

Tragedy occurs, Mr. Choice adds lines & we find out how to make an Edward fort after the jump! Continue reading

We’re not quite done with New Moon yet…

Dear Twilight New Moon,

Before we jump full swing into Eclipse mode, I feel we need to revisit New Moon & address some things we left out when discussing it incessantly over the past, oh, I dunno, year or so. While watching the movie with my hubby this weekend, (THAT review will be shared soon!) I was reminded of HOW AWKWARD it is to watch these movies with outsiders. I always feel the need to stop every 5 seconds and explain what is going on. Or explain what was going on in the book to make them come to this decision in the movie. Or explain how the book did it better. Or explain how it was less cheesy in the book. Or explain how Bella was less bitchy last time I remembered….

Here are a few things I meant to discuss long ago:

  • When Jake visits Bella at school on her birthday and they’re discussing Jacob’s Rabbit, Bella asks, “Is it fast?” (Awkward pause) Jacob, “Not really….” Ummmmmmm WHY? Why did this have to happen? Was it necessary to kill 15 seconds with utter awkwardness right there? If you were looking for something to fill that time, you could’ve asked me. My answer would have been LEG HITCH or the New Moon equivalent. (Hand-holding in the Volturi hallway- FAIL- I’m still pissed that scene wasn’t included)
  • Their English teacher, Mr. Birdy, looks like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World!


  • How does no one think it’s odd that when Sam finds Bella he has his shirt off? I feel like we already discussed this or at LEAST mentioned it, but why aren’t people more in an uproar? WE understand that Sam is a wolf and therefore wears his jorts on a cord around his ankle & runs around shirtless, but no one else does. It was raining out. It was chilly. Doesn’t Charlie, the cop, think it’s odd that an older, shirtless guy finds his daughter and he’s half naked? Isn’t he concerned that maybe Sam got a little freaky? Shouldn’t we see Chris Hansen popping out of the trees? Or maybe the 15 seconds wasted on the Rabbit conversation could’ve been used here. Charlie asks: “Why the hell is your shirt off, Sam?” Sam:I’m a wolf therefore I’m used as sex appeal in this movie because Robert Pattinson is gone for the next hour and 1/2 I had to use it to dry off Bella’s face and I left it in the woods.” There done.
  • I'm sorry- who are you?

    After Bella finds out that Jake is a wolf & they are at Emily’s, Jacob saunters up to the house being the only boy fully clothed. Not only that, but he has this look. It’s this cocky look like he knows he’s the shit.  It’s hot. It’s a different Taylor and a different Jacob. The baby voice leaves us for a second & he just looks like a man. Gone are my visions of him on the cover of People mag in 3 years with the caption “YES- I’M GAY” while Big Daddy is in the background, with ketchup on his polo shirt. Just for those few minutes I can see Taylor as a grown up, sexy man- growing a little taller- fitting his muscles a little bit more- deepening his squeaky voice. Honestly, it looks like he lost his virginity the night before. I can’t tell if it’s Jacob who got freaky with a female wolf in the woods or if it was Taylor who gave it up. Either way I’m kinda feeling like Nikki Reed was involved. She either morphed into wolf form & took Jacob’s vcard or snuck into Taylor’s hotel room the night before. Possibly Forcefully.

  • When Bella tells Charlie that she needs a “girls night out” I appreciate the try, but it sounds more like a tom boy trying to convince her mom she wants to buy some Jimmy Choo’s. Or she’s being sarcastic and really IS having a girls night out… with “Ilikebigboobs41” who she met on dykesRUs.com
  • In the garage when Bella meets Quil & Embry she says to them, sarcastically, “Oh- you have girlfriends now!?” And …. I just don’t get it? What does she mean? I’ve read the books & seen the movie 7 times… and every time I have NOT gotten that joke. What am I MISSING here!?

  • And THEN Jacob calls Mike a MARSHMALLOW? I mean #1 I don’t know what that is. And #2 Is that what the kids are saying these days? Because I’m PRETTY SURE a normal 16 year old isn’t going to call a dude he doesn’t like the name of a delicious snack that goes well with chocolate and graham crackers after being cooked over a fire. And #3 forget what I said above about forgetting Jacob is a soon-to-be-out-of-the-closet teen. I remember again.
  • This is one of my other favorite parts from the brilliance screenplay: Jake: “Bella, you’ve been lying to everyone … Charlie…. (awkward pause) ” Then he stops because he realizes she hasn’t been lying to anyone else….
  • And whyyyyy hasn’t it even been discussed or put on a Tshirt that it sounds like Jacob is trying to come out to Bella when she confronts him about being a wolf. “Bella, this isn’t a LIFESTYLE choice. I was BORN this way!” It feels a litttttle too much like Bobby is trying to tell his mommy that he wants to take Billy to the prom instead of Barbara

I could go on & on… and for sure I’d make at least 6 other gay references. I have no idea why I just made so many- but it’s like they all just HIT me when I watched the DVD this weekend!

Here’s for less gay jokes and more “oohs and ahhs” over hot LEG HITCH scenes in Eclipse,
UnintendedChoice xo

Before we retire New Moon forever (until our 10 year LTT world-wide tour) what have you noticed lately that we’ve never discussed? Did Yorkie seem the straightest of them all during your last viewing? Do you feel as awkward as I do when watching the movie with a first-timer!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Don’t forget about the HARRY POTTER BOOK CLUB that just started over on The Forum! Join them today!
Harry Potter LTT Book Club

New Moon DVD- which one should you get?

Moon, A famous guy at Hot Topic whose name we forget, Me

Dear New Moon DVD,

It really seems like no one gives a crap that you’re releasing this weekend. Oh wait, is that just me? I dunno, member last year how I flew to LA (okay the date was a coincidence) stayed up till 5 am eastern time to stand in line with Moon, meet Ashley Green, meet a goth/gay/Hot Topic celebrity & randomly ask people in line if they’d ever heard of “Letters to Rob” & meeting awesome people like Charlie Bewley’s future girlfriend Ashley who become a fast friend? (Not to mention get my husband SUPER PISSED off at me as we left him wandering down Hollywood Blvd alone at 1 am, texting me every 10 minutes to see if we are done yet)

This year I don’t even know who is selling the DVD.  Is Walmart gonna have it? What about Target? Most importantly, will Marks & Spencer carry a special edition? Will it come with a pair of the underwear Rob Pattinson & Tom Stu made so popular the other week?

I don’t know. So today I decided to do some research myself and find out WHO will have the BEST DVDs and what each different DVD will offer:

I'm sad- I don't come with a charm bracelet

Let’s kick it off with The Basic New Moon DVD (or Blu-Ray but I don’t have one of those so I didn’t really pay attention. Sorry)

The basic New Moon DVD available everywhere, including your local grocery store so you really can never escape from Edward Cullen, even when you just ran in to pick up some milk & eggs, and will feature the movie (yay!), a commentary with Chris Weitz & the film’s editor which should be boring as crap unless Chris mentions his mustard colored pants and his knowledge of what a DILF means. Then there’s a 6 part documentary that is 60 minutes long on the making of New Moon. That could be really awesome, except….. isn’t that like basically the commentary? I mean, Chris Weitz made the movie, is commentarying the movie AND doing a documentary? Um. Overkill. And we’ll also get some rehearsal footage of Muse & some music videos from Soundtrack artists. Otherwise known as “filler.”

Target’s 3 Disc Deluxe Edition comes with…. wait for it…a BONUS FILM CELL! Yes!!!!!!! If I get Target’s version of New Moon this year, I can do absolutely NOTHING with the film cell just like I did with Twilight’s last year!!! Besides the regular 2 discs, Target’s version has an extra 3rd disc of over 50 min of never before seen content including: Deleted scenes (please let there be a sex scene- I don’t care with who- just spice it up!), Introducing the Volturi (I’d take the sex scene here), a making of the movie Featurette (making of the sex scene? Okay… I’ll stop), a look at the fans, & the music of New Moon. It costs $24.99

Let’s discuss this “Look at the fans.” What do they mean? Are they going to discuss the outfits the fans wear? Will they focus on the 100 monkeys canvas bags? How about on the fans who let their babies wear that “I like it Doggy Style” onesie? All I know is that they DIDN’T interview us, and well, that means The “look at fans” will most likely be focused on those weird fans. You know, the ones who have read the books 10+ times, forego sleep to read fan fiction, fly thousands of miles across the country to meet friends and do Twi-related things, wear outfits, make signs, leg hitch cardboard cut outs of actors and oh- wait… that is us. My bad. That’s Normal. (I STILL don’t have a Twilight tattoo or an “I drive like a Cullen” Bumper sticker!)

Walmart’s Ultimate Fan Edition New Moon DVD comes with some sort of special packaging that will get just as dusty on your DVD shelf as all the other packaging PLUS a 7 min sneak peek of Eclipse. At $24.96 that’s 3 cents cheaper than Target’s special edition and totally worth the guilt you’ll feel after saving the money when you realize it was probably packaged “specially” by some unpaid 3 year old in Bangladesh.

Catch my dreams, New Moon DVD with dreamcatcher thingey

Border’s Special Edition has JUST what you’ve been waiting for. Not only does it come with exclusive packaging, but inside the package there is a….. wait for it……. MEDALLION NECKLACE! Yes! You will no longer be the only one without something Twi-related around your neck at your monthly TwiMoms: How to be a better mom and mirror your relationship with your daughter after Bella’s relationship with Renesmee meeting. You don’t have to look stupid when you go see the 100 monkeys and have nothing for the guys to sign. Just wear a low cut shirt, hang that medallion right in your cleavage and give the guys a little wink & a shake. They’ll know where to sign..

The DVD also includes unreleased extended scenes, interviews, red-carpet footage (you can see when Moon ran on stage and had Rob sign HER boob- take THAT 100 monkey lovers with the Medallion Necklace) and some sort of Webcast. All this fun for only $29.99

Are you bored yet? I am. Just give me the damn DVD already Ugh- Soldiering on after the jump: Continue reading

A Unicorn strikes again

I don’t know about you but I miss talking about Unicorns. It’s been SO long that I bet a bunch of you even assume we’re talking about the “Unicorns” from the Fan Fic “Wide Awake.” No, no, no. I mean the REAL Unicorns. You know, the mythical creatures- a GUY who likes the Twilight saga. Here is a Unicorn story that was sent to us that I just had to share!

Kaleb Nation- the original Unicorn

Dear Unicorn Boy at the AMC,

So, I arrived for my 12th (yes, 12, what has happened to my life?…) viewing of New Moon.  Now there is usually a relatively predictable crowd at each viewing; a few girls out for a ladies’ night hoping to swoon over Edward and the fABulous Jacob, girls who have boyfriends nice enough to go see the movie only because the wolves looked pretty cool in the trailer and the occasional family with younger children, who obviously have a Twilight fan for a mother. However, you, darling unicorn boy made this particular show oh so special.

I settled in, surrounded by the regular crowd of viewers and in you waltzed (late, but I will overlook that) with your baggy pants and comb sticking out of your hair, clearly not your typical Twilight fan. You sat right down in the second row with your popcorn and glued your eyes to the screen. Now I will admit I wondered if you were lost or drunk, or perhaps both. Maybe you thought the sign outside said Avatar or maybe that other vampire movie Daybreakers. I waited to see if perhaps your girlfriend just hadn’t stumbled in yet, but no you were all alone.

At first I barely noticed you once Edward appeared onscreen but then I heard you laugh and realized you were not to be ignored. I had to see your reactions. I watched your shock as Jasper tries to attack Bella, I heard your roaring (and slightly over-the-top) laughter as Bella sits sandwiched between Mike and Jacob at the movies and just as I was starting to like you, you ruined it all. As Jacob made his jump from the window after trying to help Bella figure out the truth, you yell out “He’s a mother f***kin’ wolf, girl!!”. Now I won’t lie, I laughed, because that’s just funny but was it really necessary? Perhaps I wouldn’t have found this so obnoxious if you hadn’t done what you did next. You answered your phone! Yes, right there in the movie, you answered your phone. Here you sat, my very own unicorn to gawk at and you turn out to be totally full of crazysauce!

Is Rob Pattinson a Unicorn?

So your conversation ended and your awkward laughter, weird head-bobbing and random comments continued. You really enjoyed the Volturi scene, I could tell, your eyes were wide and your mouth hung open. After the movie was over, I was so hoping to chat with you but you totally bolted, perhaps not wanting to face anyone else in the theater, because we all heard you…and laughed at you, er, with you I mean…

Anyways, while I won’t compare you to my other unicorn friend, because he knows how to act in a movie, I will say you were one-of-a-kind. And I just want to thank you for making it worth the 70 miles I drove to the theater and the $10 I spent to see a movie I had already seen 11 times before.

I can’t deny that you were entertaining and I’ll admit you’re right, he is a mother f***kin’ wolf.

Love,
The girl 3 rows behind you and a little to the left, who found you just delightful.

There! Doesn’t’ it feel good to talk about those kinds of Unicorns? Share your recent Unicorn stories today in the comments! And get caught up on our Unicorn archive

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Protecting the Twilight public from the NMM game

Hours of fun... sorta

With Valentine’s Day coming up and our loved ones sure to send us some Twi-related crap we didn’t ask for, here is a public service announcement regarding the New Moon Movie game:

Dear UC & Moon,

I am because I have a major public service announcement to put out to the world of the Twilight fan. You see, I recently acquired a copy of the New Moon board game. (Well, if you consider stealing it from a 12 year old girl at a white elephant party “acquiring” then that’s how I received it.) But that is totally beside the point. Anyway, I thought that I would put said game to good use. So I rounded up a few of my friends, (3 of us were in our thirties, and the 4 other guests were from our arsenal of babysitters so they just so happened to be real life teenagers.) Yes, quite the motley crew of New Moon game players. I had my Edward posters proudly displayed, the New Moon soundtrack playing in the background, the board game set up with all the pretty cards and Cullen crest game pieces. We were set to play. And then the reality of the game hit us in the face. This game is hard!! (That’s what she said) It is confusing and well- just dang confusing. So, I guess my letter is turning into a letter to the people who make the New Moon board game. What the what?!? I don’t think they even tried to play their own game before the head honcho put the stamp of approval on that bad boy. It is a hot mess!

So, I am giving the “New Rules” to the board game. I know many of your readers have asked for this game from their loved ones as a Valentine’s gift. They are going to be so excited to play it and then they are going to run into the same problem that my friends and babysitters J did when they sit down to play. So, out of love for my fellow fans, here goes.

Goal: To win this beauiful Cullen Crest... or something


New rule #1
– do not use the “Story cards”. I have no idea what they are for. Honestly. So, if you should draw that card, just put it aside and throw them away later. Or, you can keep them just to look at the pretty little pictures.

New rule #2 – Only read the red dagger trivia questions. You heard me. As you are cruising around the pretty game board with your little Cullen crest game piece, just ignore the white dagger “challenges”. They are so lame and have nothing to do with New Moon. It slows the game way down and it’s just plain stupid to be honest. You know you are just playing this game to show off your knowledge of New Moon. So make it fun by just asking the red dagger trivia questions. You will thank me for this.

New rule #3 – The point of this game is to acquire 8 scene cards from the movie. Okay. The game makers have thrown in an extra challenge, get the Bella and Edward cards. Alright. However, I could not find in the directions how to get these cards. So here is our improvised rule: The teenagers in the group said we should make up a song about the movie in order to earn your card. Since, I don’t sing, I put the nix on that pretty fast. I suggested that you have to write a “Haiku” in order to earn your card. This is where the game got hilariously fun! Remember Haikus? 3-5-3 or 5-7-5. We are dealing with syllables here people. Anyway. Get creative. We laughed our heads off. Here are some examples of what was written. These cards were earned!!

Edward’s my boyfriend
Messy hair, crooked smile
Total perfection

Paul oh Paul
Hot little werewolf
Where’s your shirt?

Mike Newton
Take a hint, loser.
You are fail.

Oh, Felix
Breaking Edward’s face
I’m crying.

You get the point! It was good times. I have no idea why the makers of this game didn’t think of the Haiku part all by themselves!

So girls, let’s get the word out to the excited fans on Valentine’s Day. Let them know that just because they received the most confusing game in the world the fun doesn’t have to stop. Just use these revised rules and the New Moon joy can continue to flow.

Protecting & Serving the Twilight public,
Koni

I thought it was ironic that Koni mention Haikus the day after I wrote Moon a brilliant one for Valentine’s Day. How about today we share Haiku’s in the comments!? Oh, and have you played the NMM game? Does it suck like she says?

Make sure to check back tomorrow to see who are Valentine’s Day Contest winners are! Thanks to ALL who participated!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

My Twilight confession (it just makes no sense)

Dear Twilosophy 101 Class,

A few days ago I was just sitting at my desk at work and suddenly overcome with emotion. Like I cried real, actual tears. Why? Oh, just “Flightless bird, American mouth” by Iron & Wine from the Twi soundtrack came on. Why in the world did that make me cry!? Because I started remembering how it used to choke me up, and how I used to listen to the soundtrack over and over again… Remembering the story- Remembering Bella and Edward…their forbidden love… and DYING to see the movie again!

Hey. I have a beard. And will make you cry with my songs

I’ve seen New Moon 4 times (I know, THAT’s it! Moon is killing me in the # of times she’s seen it!) It’s still in a few theaters in my area, although it’s not EVERYWHERE like it was…. but, honestly, I’m not sure I’m going to go see it again. I don’t NEED to see it. I NEEDED to see Twilight. I’d sit at my desk, I’d get all teary-eyed when Iron & Wine came on… and then I’d make plans to go see the movie.

It makes no sense.

It’s not rational.

Twilight isn’t good

New Moon is better (but still not very good)

So why am I choked up right now? Is it the reminder of how entranced I was a year ago by the phenomenon? Is it the remembrance of the hours I spent google-stalking Rob Pattinson and learning intimate details about all the cast members we hate slash love now?

The hype has died down. Forget for a second that New Moon has made almost 700 billion dollars world-wide- The Twilight movie’s hype lasted longer. Maybe it’s because they needed to make room for Avatar, but New Moon is disappearing in theaters all across the country. I think this time last year it was still going strong in theaters across the nation. Twilight wasn’t released world-wide all at once, so I suppose the hype and buzz just grew and grew into eventual explosion. New Moon feels like it all exploded at once on November 20th.

But why don’t I cry when I listen to the New Moon soundtrack? God knows it’s the most effing depressing thing out there. Bon Iver kills me when he sings with St. Vincent. Thom Yorke gives me butterfly feelings in my belly (get the soundtrack on vinyl if you have a record player- besides the fact that it’s annoyingly on 4 sides, it sounds so amazing!) but I don’t cry. There’s no ‘moment’ song like Iron & Wine’s song at the prom scene for me.

I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, feeling like a crazy person (I am) because I’m crying over memories of a really bad movie and how it made me feel, and I’m wishing that its less bad but still sucky part 2 would make me feel the same…

Here’s to that mother effing leg hitch and whatever song comes with it that better make me cry a whole year later after I first hear it,
UnintendedChoice

What do you think? Am I crazy? Feel the same? Self-conscious cause you know The Font is gonna read your comments?

Follow the jump for a special message from us! Continue reading

Why “The Hillywood” show is better than Twilight and New Moon combined

Dear Catherine Hardwicke & Chris Weitz,

We love you Chris only– you know that, but…. well, you got outdone. By some amateurs with one camera. And a budget much smaller than you had.

Seriously, did you see the acting? It’s better than in both your movies combined. Hilly (aka Bella) brought us TEARS- real, actual tears.

And did you SEE the character of Jacob? Were we actually applauding Taylor Lautner for gaining weight and putting on muscle? This guy (aka Kyle Dayton- who I have since google stalked for many hours) seems to have a naturally amazing body and quite possibly a hotter face than Taylor Lautner. OR maybe it’s just because he’s probably older than 17 that I think that. Either way- WIN ALL AROUND!

Remember how I mentioned how I like the Bella that is with Jacob? I said how I love Bella with Edward because obviously they’re meant to be, but I kinda wish Bella could be split in two and be with Jake too? Well, the Hillywood girls have BAD BELLA aka Bella with Jake DOWN!! The leather pants? The rockstar attitude? The dark make-up? It was hot. I have a major crush on Hilly Hindi

And did you notice FUTURE Bella & Edward? They weren’t Anne-of-Green Gables fail. They were hot, attractive, and the dress was gorgeous- just like they should have been in New Moon. I am now convinced Bella can be attractive as a vampire. Before… not so much.

The Sparkles!?!- They RULED IT. While Chris you did a MUCH better job than Catherine, it turns out it wasn’t THAT difficult… all the Hillywood people did was use SPARKLY make-up. Duh! Even I could’ve told you that! And Jasper’s wig? While it’s totally still atrocious it was much less so than in New Moon! I think you need to contact those girls about their wig hook-up before Breaking Dawn starts shooting.

There is so much that is SPOT ON! The Tweed! The Grandpa shoes! The Purple (purple’s cool) on the bed!  Hilly rocks the attitude Bella should’ve had! Edward LEFT her! Cut down that Edward/Bella tree girl!

Everyone knows I’ve never been impressed with the chemistry between Edward & Bella from the movie. It has nothing to do with Robsten- I thought that from my first viewing. But in THIS parody? The chemisty between THEIR Edward & Bella? Aka Jacob Jost & Hilly Hindi? I’m ‘shipping Josttly or Hillcob or Jacly now. HARDCORE.

If you’re still not convinced at how much we loved this parody, read Moon’s reaction after the jump! Continue reading