How about some Twilight deductions on this years Taxes?

NOOOOOO!!!!

Dear Twilight,

It’s tax season!  I look forward to filing my taxes, because I usually get a bunch of money back since I don’t make all that much to begin with.  It’s like getting a huge bonus, even though technically it was my money all along and the government just held on to it and I didn’t even get the measly 2% savings account interest on it.  Whatever.  Not like I was going to actually save any of it anyway—most likely it would go towards buying a “Wolf Girl” candle or a backup set of New Moon trading cards.  But this year, once all the shoutin’ was done, I actually owed the IRS $105.

It turns out that I made more money in 2009 than I have ever made.  Seriously?  Because it didn’t feel like it.  How many times did I eat Ramen noodles for lunch because I had $17 to last me until payday?  I was living like Rob, wearing generic underpants and drinking cheap beer.  It seems inconceivable that I made the same amount of money as I did in 2008, much less more.  I hit the spreadsheets in search of the discrepancy, the anomaly that had left me cash poor in 2009.

Hmmm... what's different here... (click to enlarge)

My findings:

Do you see what happened there?  In 2009 I spent fully 10% of my income on Twilight and Twilight related stuff, including but not limited to:  books, action figures, bumper stickers, movie tickets, posters, lunchboxes, partyware, DVDs, magazines, tickets and travel to Brit Pack shows, and iPhone apps.  THIS WAS MORE THAN I SPENT ON CHILD CARE.  But, if I’ve learned anything from LTT, That’s Normal.

This is where you come in, Twilight.  Do you think for 2010 you could help me out?  Kind of like a Twilight bailout?

Some ideas–feel free to pick and choose:

It's true

  • It seems like you have more “exclusive” versions each time you release a DVD, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to afford the Eclipse Home Depot Special Edition that comes with an actual piece of torn wolfpack jorts.  If you put all the different DVDs in one giant box set and sell them at a 10% discount, that would be swell.
  • Disney did a promo where people volunteer a day of service for theme park tickets.  Perhaps I could donate to a relevant charity–heaven knows the Summit wig department could use some funds–in exchange for free tickets to see Eclipse.
  • Plan more events in the Virginia area.  Cross-country trips are expensive for me, what with the hotels and plane fare and tequila anti-anxiety meds I have to take just to be able to fly.  Overnight layovers for Rob at RIC would qualify as “events”, as long as you cc me on the itinerary.
  • Issue a Twilight Rewards VISA, so that at least while I’m constructing an overwhelming mountain of debt I can earn free T-shirts from Hot Topic and discounted autographs from TwiCon.

Obviously, I’m going to tithe to Twilight one way or another, but it would be nice if you acknowledged my contributions to your tremendous money pile by giving me a break or two.  It’s the least you could do for a working girl like me.

Love,
Tiffanized

P.S. You should also anticipate a letter from my boss about my lost work hours from 2009.  Just a heads up.

What else should be in the Twilight Bailout? Any deductions the government should talk into account for Twilight fans?

We heard from LTT reader Krystal about an Water for Elephants reading group starting THIS SATURDAY: Check it out

Don’t forget to check out The LTT Biggest Loser on The Forum

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity


UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse
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Storytime with Moon – New Moon DVD release party in “Los Angeles”

Finally, you are out!

Dear Twilight,

Now that we’re all coming down off the high of having watched hours upon hours of special features, extended scenes, music videos, commentary (Jacob Black’s romantic fails!), Edward in fast forward and mostly just a lot of sighing and swooning I think it’s time we relive  actually purchasing the DVD and seeing Chris Weitz and Nikki Reed at the New Moon DVD release party. *needle skips* maybe I should ACTUALLY  say ATTEMPT to Chris Weitz and Nikki Reed and ALMOST buy a New Moon DVD… let’s back up shall we?

I think it’s time for Storytime with Moon:

After it was announced that CeeDubs and NReed would be gracing us with their presence here in LA for a NM DVD release party us LA gals emailed back and forth trying to narrow down where we thought it would be. Not Hot Topic like last year, they didn’t even have a DVD. Probably not a blockbuster… too small for LA folks so it had to be the Borders in Hollywood, right? The one that a previous Twilight event had taken place. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! @Twilight announce it would actually be in SANTA CLARITA which is about an hour north of Los Angeles at a WalMart. Because you see, Los Angeles doesn’t actually have a WalMart. So with our LA DVD release party not actually occuring in LA we organized the great Roadtrip of 2010 to Santa Clarita to meet our lover Chris Weitz and to see Nikki Reed again.

We arrived and being used to shopping in small shops, grocery stores or the 3 story Target for our toiletries, food and clothes we ran from aisle to aisle looking at everything WalMart had to offer.


Cases of Red Bull next to a copy of New Moon. Cause you’ll need artificial stimulants to make it through the entire saga in 2 days. AND GO!


And then we found these gems on the Barbie aisle. The Bella Barbie next to the Joan Jett Barbie?! What other unintentional hilarity would we find?


And then we found it! The Twilight “store” inside of WalMart and I did a leap for joy! Awkward TShirts for 9 dollars? Necklaces of fangs?! Dripping blood earrings? Oh WalMart you know this saga SOOOO well.

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Over it! Goodbye Runaways and Remember Me, give me back my Twilight!

GET THE LOOK! And then get a life

Dear Remember Me & The Runaways-

If I see another commercial, video clip, interview, late night talk show, picture, WHATEVER about you it will be too soon. I think we have officially reached the over saturation point. You’re EVERYWHERE I turn. On the TV, on huge billboards, on Twitter, and on every TWILIGHT site. I’m SOOO over it. I don’t care how to get Kristen’s eye makeup look from the movie (sleep in day old eyeliner and smudge), I don’t care that Pierce Brosnon decided to use a “Brooklyn Accent” (he shoulda forgotaboutit, cause it’s awful), I don’t care who they wore to the premieres (Pucci, Doo.Ri, Elie Saab, Valentino, Derelique) and I DEFINITELY do not care that Dakota and KStew made out and it was “hot” (it wasn’t).

In the total media onslaught for these two films we seem to have lost track of two very important things: New Moon and Eclipse! WTF are those, right? I totally forgot about the New Moon DVD coming out and what happened to Eclipse?! I was too busy watching Rob and Emilie kissing on E! News to remember such trivial things like having FACEPUNCH available in the comfort of my home! It’s the day before New Moon comes out on DVD and we don’t even know know which stores the cast will be making appearances at. Who wants to talk about “Cherry Bomb” when I can see Chris Weitz in the flesh?! That’s a NO BRAINER.

I think I'm supposed to care that this guy took a pic w/ Rob. All I care about is Dick in a bow tie

I can’t even go to a Twilight site to see whats new in the TWILIGHT FANDOM without having to sift through post after post of red carpet interviews with Cherrie Currie talking about Dakota or Rob talking about the nuances of a love scene with Emilie. I don’t care anymore, that was last week give me my TWILIGHT BACK!! Give me Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse or give me death!

Oh and ANOTHER THING…

Seriously Twitter users, it’s just overkill now. We know and agree wholeheartedly that Kristen and Dakota looked hot at the premieres but your 24/7 virtual lady boners for these girls are weirding us the ef out. One more day of this stuff and I’m going to hang a “gone fishing” sign on the virtual door of our Twitter and come back once the fake lesbian (or maybe not) Viagra has worn off. Damn.

WAIT, Eclipse is coming out?! There are jorts and Edward!!

So remember last fall when we finally had to call a moratorium on the word “jizz?” Yup, I think we’re there again only this time it’s on the Runaways and Remember Me. Please go away and give me my Twilight back.

Hiding in a fallout shelter till the viagra wears off or until something worthwhile comes out,
Themoonisdown

/rant

PS If you will be in LA at some undisclosed location with Chris Weitz and Nikki Reed and hopefully me (moon) and some other gals please come say hi and hand me a chill pill, or a hug. Thanks!

Are you over it? Can’t get enough Runaways make up tips? Watched EVERY video of Rob on the RM red carpet? Want to hurt someone for some Eclipse information? What the crap is happening with Breaking Dawn? Do I need anger management class?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Is Twilight a Chick Flick?

Dearr LTT-ers, Frequently we open the mail bag to bring you letters from our readers. Today’s letter is from K who argues that Twilight is a chick flick and should NOT be watched by watched or the books read by guys. Read her letter and tell us what you think. XO-Moon

dvdcover

For ladies only?

Dear UC and Moon,

Due to a recent development in my love life (thank goodness, right? I was getting a little bored with a lack of one) I think I’ve come to a realization, and that is this:  I don’t want to date a unicorn.  😮  *gasp!*  I know, right?!

We adore our beloved unicorns.  We encourage them.  We create them (to the best of our abilities).  So why on earth wouldn’t I want my new interest to become one?
Lets face it:  Twilight is a chick flick.  Movie and books both.  There’s absolutely no arguing against that.  I don’t care how many wired stunts, mirror crashing action, and buttcrack santa jokes you throw in there; it’s still one of the biggest chick flicks ever.  I’ve heard so many people try and argue this point and fight against, but truth is truth.  So without further adieu, I give you my stance.
You know it’s a chick flick when:
  • it’s a love story
  • the fan base is undeniably, predominantly female and has a “tween” rep
  • you here shrieks of glee when the title flashes across the screen
  • the lead male is frequently referred to as “beautiful” on and off screen
  • it inspires products like lip gloss and shimmer powder
  • the lead male sparkles
  • the lead female is fully clothed for over 95% of the movie.
  • there’s a prom scene and no one dies (so close bella)
  • the subjects discussed between characters include dresses, boobs, characters’ relationship status’, and the swim team’s peens.
  • the dialogue includes words and terms like “irrevocably”, “matriculate”, “masochistic”, “Debussy”, and “spidermonkey”.
  • there’s more silent, awkward turtle, moments then there is action
  • the only weapons are mind powers which do not translate visually.
  • fans constantly fight over who’s the dreamiest
  • it takes place in a forest setting and there’s no sign of elves, dwarves, or an extra-terrestrial fought by a commando who states “If it bleeds, you can kill it.”
And lets face it, as far as chick flicks go, this one is unconditionally and irrevocably one of the chick-iest of them all.  Which brings me back to why I would never date a unicorn.  Girls always talk about how they want a sensitive guy, who’s not afraid to show his emotions, or cry.  Fine, good, be sweet and adorable and cry when your puppy gets hit by a car, but for the love of all that is good and right in this world, do not run out of the room in horror when a spider is spotted and do NOT like Twilight.
Dear all future boyfriends….

 

Follow the cut to see what boyfriends should NOT do!
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Characters that got the shaft in the movie Vol. 1: Jasper

Jasper_Cullen

Dear Jasper –

I’ve been thinking about this for a while now since I first saw the movie and now that I’m rereading Twilight (again). I’ve come to a conclusion Jasper: I think you got royally screwed in the movie. You (as well as some others I will cover in later posts) got screwed out of some majorly needed character development and denied one of the most powerful and in my personal opinion one of the BEST scenes from the book. You know the one… if you’ve got your bibles Twilight books handy it’s on page 404, near the end after the baseball scene they’re in the garage and everyone has run off to chase after James and Victoria while Alice and Jasper take Bella to Phoenix. Bella and Jasper are alone in the garage and this exchange takes place…

Jasper and I looked at each other. He stood across the length of the entryway from me… being careful.

“You’re wrong, you know,” he said quietly.

“What?” I gasped.

I can feel what you’re feeling now — and you are worth it.”

“I’m not,” I mumbled. “If anything happens to them, it will be for nothing.”

“You’re wrong,” he repeated, smiling kindly at me.

jasperaliceAmazing, isn’t it? Calm, cool reassuring Jasper says one of the most profound ideas of the entire saga, the whole basis for why they put themselves in danger, the reasoning behind Edward’s love for her. That above all else SHE’S WORTH IT! And it was not in the movie! What were they thinking? They added in some totally necessary parts and left THIS gem out? I really can’t quite understand that. Not only was this amazing scene cut from the movie we also never really learn fully about your abilities, Jasper. It’s mentioned that you’re “special” like Edward and Alice but they never explain how or why. Instead Jackson is forced to play Jasper as some sort of Edward Scissorhands caricature with crazy eyes and a serious need for Immodium AD. When really he’s a much deeper character with very deep emotions.

I understand the limitations of film but I still think you got screwed and I can only hope that they get it right from here on out with not only your character Jasper but with a lot of other ones. And while we’re at it can you tell Stephenie Meyer once she’s through finishing Midnight Sun she can start on the Alice/Jasper story. I’m DYING simply DYING to know more! I need to read the diner scene and get all ooey gooey with some Jasper and Alice love.

Soothe me Jasper,
Themoonisdown

Now don’t jump the gun… this is volume ONE and we have plenty of other characters to talk about!

Don’t let the good times end, head over to the forum and today’s daily chat!

Jackson and the bat… need I say more?

Dear Jackson-

Now that the DVD is out I spent a good 30 minutes this weekend watching and re-watching that bit in the baseball scene where you’re up to bat and you do that cool bat flippy trick (technical term). I even sat there with it in slow mo cause it was totally hot. Then I noticed NReed in the background of your shot trying to do the same thing. And I wanted to yell at her “Stop it BIOTCH, you’re being distracting, this is Jackson’s moment stop ef-ing around!” But she didn’t listen.


(try not to wear this out toooo much)

I don’t know what it is about the scene that makes it so hot… must be something about knowing how to handle a bat…ahem… or maybe it takes me back to those high school days when I would sit in the stands eating sunflower seeds gossiping and crushing hard on the baseball team. And maybe a particular player named Hank who would later come to ask me out and I would tell him I couldn’t go out because it was my birthday! (I’m also dumb). But that is neither here nor there. I was young and stupid, don’t judge! Who knows what it is about that bat scene. But whatever it is… keep doing it Jackson!

Oh and I can’t wait for the Bella birthday scene in New Moon. Bite Kristen… HARD!

You can handle my uh… bat… uh anyday. Yea…
Themoonisdown

PS after the cut a gratuitous amount of jasper/jackson gifs to really help speed Tuesday along

PPS HUGE thanks to Twitter gals: dreamrevelry, MsJBell, tasha0529, starsfall, Twilight_Series and tabs07 for helping me find these goodies!

PPSS meant to add this in before but if you are creatively inclined please head over to Twilight Tuesday where this week’s challenge is who else?? Mr. Jasper. Twilight Tuesday

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