Two Letters in One: Big Daddy Weeps, Kellan Tweets

WTF is this?! It's like an alternate universe!

Dear Big Daddy,

Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?

I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?

Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…

No, that's not an Egg McMuffin in my carryon this time, sir

Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?

02. Finally enroll in Olive Gardens “Culinary Institute of Tuscany” so you can make that Soup, Salad and Breadsticks at home any time you want!

03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.

04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”

OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!

Good bye world!
Themoonisdown

Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..

Oh hai there prepare for #charitytweets and #jesustweets and #straighttweets

Dear Kellan or should I say @KellanLutz (heh, heh!)

After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans)  had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…

enlarge this to break it down

So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…

Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before

02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf

03. You’re following @younglife – jesus luver! And we KNOW how much you love some hey-zeus!

04. You used the word “indigenous” (he googled that shit)

05. You followed @ashleymgreene (his true love/beard) BEFORE @IAMannalynnemcc

06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover

07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.

So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!

Your #1 Accountability Partner,
Themoonisdown

PS You might wanna read my How To Twitter guide I wrote for @twilight… might help you out in the future
PPS Are you following me as I late night Tweet? West Coast Wins! 😉

Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?

Stuff:
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Taylor Lautner: Friendless?

Dear UC & Moon,

Something has been bothering me lately (not really), I’ve spent countless hours pondering this… I feel that it is vital (pointless) to get a better understanding of Taylor. Now, he’s finally legal, having just celebrated his 18th, what did he do? I know Big Daddy Lautner would splurge on a birthday cake for his big boy, and sure there were hats and balloons but… and this is what bothers me… Were his friends there? Does he HAVE friends???

We have only ever seen him with his ex, Swifty (<3), the Disney chick who’s name I don’t care to remember and Big Daddy of course and countless other nameless faces (probably his management, and ALL ADULTS!) What normal 18 year old doesn’t have a group of friends? Friends his OWN AGE? I mean, Rob has his BritPack, Kstew has her fake lesbians but Tay??? Where’s his crew?

Guys, I need your help here… I need to rest easy knowing Tay has some guy friends and if not… I say we hold a friend audition! I vote no on Justin Bieber and anyone affliated with Disney (especially the JoBros). Any suggestions?

Resting uneasy,
Hepburn

Well Hepburn, what a FABULOUS idea. I’d be lying if I said Moon & I hadn’t had this concern ourselves. We’ve spent many a five minutes hour worrying about Taylor’s apparently lack of friends. Not that we think he’s complaining- with a father like Big Daddy, who needs friends? But for the sake of his fans & all those who are becoming more and more convinced of his homosexuality because of his never-ending slew of of female, Disney star friends/PR ploys, I think we need to get to the bottom of this.

First things first, I did a quick google search to see what Tay-Tay has been up to lately. It looks like he was recently spotted at a Lakers game. He HAD to go with friends, right!? RIGHT!? I snagged these photos from EclipseMovie.org for us to investigate:

Evidence #1

Wait- that’s not a minidress & a bra strap I see- that’s a MAN shoulder. And NOT Big Daddy’s! DO we have some proof!? Does Tay Tay have a FRIEND?

Evidence #2

It looks like Tay-Tay may have changed seats to get a better view of the basketball players the honeys (or else that WAS Big Daddy next to him in the first picture and he ran out for a second to stock up on the $79.95 Lakers-Bakers combo (Nachos with chili & bacon, four hot dogs, 2 64 oz Coca-Colas, caramel popcorn, a bucket of fries topped with chedder & crab and a fried twinkie for dessert. Oh, plus a side salad and a gatorade for Taylor)) Not sure who the new guy on Tay-Tay’s left is. Could it be another possibility for a friend?

Evidence #3

Is he looking at Kobe Bryant? Or the girls? Will we ever know?

Uh oh- this piece of evidence is supicious. No red-blooded 18 year old male would leave Taylor in front of cheerleaders who haven’t eaten in 3 weeks (except for the girl who gobbled up the crab-fry that Big Daddy dropped) ALONE. Is it true? Does Tay-Tay have no friends?

Evidence #4

It's called a what? And THAT's what Rob said he was allergic to?

Our final piece of evidence shows us Taylor, seeing the nether regions of a woman for the first time, next to a male. Is it a fan who wanted to ask what it was like NOT being a bear? Is it his manager (who is apparently gay) telling him horror stories about sex with women? Is it Big Daddy, who miraculously dropped 167 pounds after consuming the Lakers-Bakers Combo? I think we ALL know it’s NOT a friend. No 18 year old male has what looks to be the beginnings of a full beard. Unless he’s a hipster. And no hipster would wear a collared shirt. He’d be in an ironic Fish-O-Filet sponsored “Relay for the Heart 1994” T-shirt.

After seeing these pictures of Taylor out for a night of crab-fries and Kobe Bryant, I have to conclude…… that Taylor has no friends…

Find out what we’re going to do about this piece of news, after the jump!

Working out with Big Daddy Lautner

Dear Big Daddy Lautner,

Imagine my surprise this weekend when a sweet twitter follower, Megistwitting, sent us THIS picture to grace my computer screen:

Son- this way. I see the Arches...

Sure, sure. It’s nice to see Taylor walking out and about and legal, but I’m talking about that handsome stud reflecting in the windows of the building- Yes! It’s you! You thought you escaped the flash of the camera, but the paparazzi know how much we love you! They’re not going to let a perfect opportunity of catching the Big Daddy Lautner & son family work-out session!

Speaking of working out- you did it! I’m so proud. I mean, you’re looking out for your health! What was it that finally got you to the bench press? Did you come across a couple good deals in the coupon clipper for the Olive Garden and end up stopping by last night to sample a pasta, chicken, beef and seafood dish all by yourself? Was it the guilt from the 14,000 calories consumed? Did you wake up one day and realize that if you leave this earth before your time, little Taylor will truly be all alone? You’ve finally accepted that while his child stardom (and plane weight restrictions) allowed you to leave your job as a pilot, it’s caused Taylor to live his life with his dad as his only friend?

So how did the first time go? It was probably pretty tough huh? It’s a little different actually doing the exercises than just standing on the sideline shouting encouragement to Taylor with your hand in a bag of cheetos. Did you sweat Alfredo sauce? I can imagine Taylor worked you pretty hard. You’re probably not ready to jump into his eating an working out schedule (Rob Pattinson couldn’t even handle it), so Moon & I put our heads together to craft a work out plan just for you:

Hello? Is this Ruth's Chris Steakhouse? Do you have any after-workout specials?

Big Daddy Lautner’s Customized Work-out Plan

Pump you up Music Playlist:

• The Rocky Theme Song
• James Brown: I feel good
• Sir Mix-a-Lot: I like Big Butts
• Michael Jackson: Don’t stop till you get enough
• Justin Bieber: Baby

Lifting:

• Lift your spoon from your minestrone soup to your mouth for 15 reps (or until the bowl is empty)
• Lift your cell phone to your face 10 times and call 10 different Olive Gardens for dinner reservations. Rest. Call 9 of them back and cancel. (You worked hard. You can go get dinner at at least one of them!)
• Remove one of Taylor’s 8 pairs of sunglasses from his head, shirt, dashboard, etc. Try them on. Put them back. Repeat with the other 7 pairs.

Biceps

• Crack lobster shells with bare hands
• (BONUS!) Punch waiter if he doesn’t automatically give you another basket of buttery biscuits

Bicep Curls

• Dip lobster in butter
• Pick up new bib, remove old bib, put on new bib

Sit ups

• Slouch down on couch and turn on TV. During every commercial, sit up a little bit more. Slouch back down when you show returns. Repeat until show is over
• (BONUS for additional bicep curl) Reach for Doritos as sitting up from slouching position

Mental Focus

• Stare at body in mirrors. Concentrate
• Block out images of Filet-o-fish
• Focus intensely on trying to forget all the area Olive Garden’s phone numbers within a 20 mile radius

Son- this could be you in 15 years...

Home Gym Decoration ideas

• Big poster of Taylor, shirtless with words written on top “Like me in ’85.” Next to that a big McDonald’s sign- crossed out. Next poster- a blown up picture of you with words on top “Me in 2010.” To remember what it’s all for. Show Taylor this illustration daily. To warn him
• Also a poster of a slutty girl in a bikini of course. Maybe photoshop Taylor Swift’s face onto Heidi Montag-Spencer’s body.

Potential Workout sponsors

• Elastic Manufacturer’s of America
• Casual Male (Formally “Big & Tall”)
• Triple XXX Polo.com (not to be confused with XXX pole.com)

Big Daddy- we’re proud. We want you to be healthy. We want you to be around for MANY years to come. And not just because we fear that if you’re gone it’ll mean your son’s only friend left in the world is Thor- his flaming agent- which won’t be good for Tay’s chances of staying closeted for life. Not that I want him to live with a secret that big, I just don’t want to feel the weirdness that’s sure to come once you hear a guy you once said some inappropriate things about isn’t actually straight. No- I don’t want you healthy for just that reason. (I mean, someone has to keep In-N-Out from spreading the east coast :))

Love,
UnintendedChoice with a helpful hand from Moon

We really, truly love Big Daddy Lautner. Truly. When we say we wish we could meet him above anyone else, we’re not kidding. It would be a dream come true to eat at Olive Garden with him. I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick.

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Taylor goes to the Golden Globes and becomes Olive Garden’s Spokesperson

Dear Taylor-

Like a good girl I had nothing better to do I tuned in, last night, to the Golden Globes with my homegirls HisOne&Only and NoPaperKG to see celebs get plastered and accept an award named after Selma Hayek’s lady friends. And in the process totally remembered that one of the Holy Trinity was going to be presenting! That meant red carpet time complete with awkward interviews and presenting time. What would you wear? What would you say? Would Ryan Seacrest ask you in-depth questions about his abdominal routine?

This is how it went down in my head…

Taylor arrives to the rainy red carpet of the Golden Globes…

Don’t worry ladies this pleather suit’s been pretreated to resist water stains. Your couches, on the other hand, have not.

What up now, Taylor Swift? You having just friendly feelings towards THIS?! Yup, that’s what I thought…
c

Seriously?! FOR REALS?! Besides the fact that Taylor obviously reads LTT and obviously has great taste in economically-priced-mall-adjacent Italian restaurants,  if some bozo at the Olive Garden HQ hasn’t offered Taylor free Soup, Salad and Breadsticks for life if he’ll be their Spokeswhore, someone’s crazy! I’m sure Big Daddy has already pitched this cross promotional idea to both Olive Garden and Summit but Olive Garden had to reject it since they’d end up losing money and probably make iceberg lettuce extinct for offering that kind of deal to Big Daddy.
c

YEAAAAA Bro, get it dawg! My man Joseph Gordan Levitt is trying to back that azzzz up with Precious!
c

Uuuuggghhh SO full from Olive Garden. I shouldn’t have let Big Daddy convince me to go there pre-Golden Globes just to show them how much manicotti their new Spokeswhore can eat.
c

Follow the cut to see the rest of Taylor at the Golden Globes…

Big Daddy & Taylor go to the Olive Garden “where they’re family”

Hmmmm I can almost taste "The Tour of Italy"

Dear Big Daddy,

I see that you convinced Taylor to go to the Olive Garden for a lunch of all-you-can-eat “Soup, Salad and Breadsticks” so that you can finally get that last punch on your frequent diner card. Free chocolate lasagna with you next meal here you come! It’s also nice that you swung by Santa Monica Ave to pick up a local tranny to participate in your “Launter for a day” charity that you started with the family. Every weekend the family picks up a stray tranny/hobo/Disney star to “adopt for the day” and show them what Lautner-style hospitality is really all about. What they don’t know if that for every diner you bring in you get an extra punch on your card, so really it’s cutting your time till you get the free dessert in half. You’re SO smart, no one could pull a “shocker” on you! You’re pretty much the reason Outback had to stop their frequent diner program, after a week of consecutive lunches with the cast of The Suite Life plus all the ladies from Jumbo’s Clown Room (look it up) they almost went bankrupt from giving out so many free Bloomin’ Onions. Way to stick it to the man!

LTT: Where you’re family,
Themoonisdown

Black v neck? Check! Shiteous Nikes? Check! Borrowed plaid shirt? FAIL!

Dear Taylor,

So either Rob gave his costars personalized shiteous Nike’s for Xmas or this is a not-so-silent plea for GQ to name you their number 1 Best Dressed Male in 2011. Well played friend, well played!

XO
Moon

Follow the cut for an extra special Saturday surprise… you should defs follow the cut if your name is UC

Just as awkward as you thought it would be – Kristen Stewart and New Moon madness at the MTV Movie Awards

OMG you guys I made it up the stairs without tripping!! I won't do anything else embarrassing! At ALL! (for the next 2.4 seconds)

Dear Kristen (my new favorite letters recipient, apparently)-

I’m going on hour 6 of live blogging the MTV Movie awards, I’ve fainted over your fake out kiss with Rob, I’ve eaten too many Sprinkles cupcakes, I kept repeating to myself “he is 17” while looking over my shoulder for Chris Hanson, I’m bleary eyed and tired, but most of all, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been about the New Moon movie (if that’s even possible) and I wanted to say I think I may even start to like you after seeing your total fumble after winning the ‘Best Female Performance’ award…

This is exactly the type of moment you used to read about in that section in Seventeen called “My Most Embarrassing Moments,” and you’d cringe right along with them as they had toilet paper stuck to their shoe or they ran into a locker door as Jimmy, the cute quarterback walked by… but yours is beyond 2nd hand embarrassing and captured for all eternity courtesy of Youtube. I seriously can’t think of a better way you could have handled it and all the while coming off the most real or human you EVER have! Best quote of yours EVER:

“I was just about as awkward as you thought I was going to be, BYE!”

Seriously? So much win right there.

I must be in a sugar coma from the cupcakes cause I’m saying nice things to you… ok though THE HAIR?! Seriously, a headband, a clip, whatever just NEVER wear it down again or I’ll go nuts. Whew, I feel better now.

XOXO your new fake lesbian lover
Themoonisdown

PS HUGE thanks and thumbs up to NewMoonMovie.org for hosting the most rad live blogging event ever, check out all the goodies he already has live, also don’t forget our other live bloggers in crime Confessions of a TwiCrack Addict and Lauren’s Bite! And an even bigger thanks to you all for showing up and squeeeeing with us as we watched the trailer premier and Rob in his maitre d jacket.

Don’t miss the LTR MTV Movie Awards Post!

Take the jump to see more pics and video from the MTV movie awards last night!