Taylor goes to the Golden Globes and becomes Olive Garden’s Spokesperson

Dear Taylor-

Like a good girl I had nothing better to do I tuned in, last night, to the Golden Globes with my homegirls HisOne&Only and NoPaperKG to see celebs get plastered and accept an award named after Selma Hayek’s lady friends. And in the process totally remembered that one of the Holy Trinity was going to be presenting! That meant red carpet time complete with awkward interviews and presenting time. What would you wear? What would you say? Would Ryan Seacrest ask you in-depth questions about his abdominal routine?

This is how it went down in my head

Taylor arrives to the rainy red carpet of the Golden Globes…

Don’t worry ladies this pleather suit’s been pretreated to resist water stains. Your couches, on the other hand, have not.


What up now, Taylor Swift? You having just friendly feelings towards THIS?! Yup, that’s what I thought…
c


Seriously?! FOR REALS?! Besides the fact that Taylor obviously reads LTT and obviously has great taste in economically-priced-mall-adjacent Italian restaurants,  if some bozo at the Olive Garden HQ hasn’t offered Taylor free Soup, Salad and Breadsticks for life if he’ll be their Spokeswhore, someone’s crazy! I’m sure Big Daddy has already pitched this cross promotional idea to both Olive Garden and Summit but Olive Garden had to reject it since they’d end up losing money and probably make iceberg lettuce extinct for offering that kind of deal to Big Daddy.
c


YEAAAAA Bro, get it dawg! My man Joseph Gordan Levitt is trying to back that azzzz up with Precious!
c


Uuuuggghhh SO full from Olive Garden. I shouldn’t have let Big Daddy convince me to go there pre-Golden Globes just to show them how much manicotti their new Spokeswhore can eat.
c

Follow the cut to see the rest of Taylor at the Golden Globes…
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Big Daddy & Taylor go to the Olive Garden “where they’re family”

Hmmmm I can almost taste "The Tour of Italy"

Dear Big Daddy,

I see that you convinced Taylor to go to the Olive Garden for a lunch of all-you-can-eat “Soup, Salad and Breadsticks” so that you can finally get that last punch on your frequent diner card. Free chocolate lasagna with you next meal here you come! It’s also nice that you swung by Santa Monica Ave to pick up a local tranny to participate in your “Launter for a day” charity that you started with the family. Every weekend the family picks up a stray tranny/hobo/Disney star to “adopt for the day” and show them what Lautner-style hospitality is really all about. What they don’t know if that for every diner you bring in you get an extra punch on your card, so really it’s cutting your time till you get the free dessert in half. You’re SO smart, no one could pull a “shocker” on you! You’re pretty much the reason Outback had to stop their frequent diner program, after a week of consecutive lunches with the cast of The Suite Life plus all the ladies from Jumbo’s Clown Room (look it up) they almost went bankrupt from giving out so many free Bloomin’ Onions. Way to stick it to the man!

LTT: Where you’re family,
Themoonisdown

Black v neck? Check! Shiteous Nikes? Check! Borrowed plaid shirt? FAIL!

Dear Taylor,

So either Rob gave his costars personalized shiteous Nike’s for Xmas or this is a not-so-silent plea for GQ to name you their number 1 Best Dressed Male in 2011. Well played friend, well played!

XO
Moon

Follow the cut for an extra special Saturday surprise… you should defs follow the cut if your name is UC
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The Best of Twilight in 2009! Part 2

Dear LTT-ers and Twihards,

Yesterday, we started our Best of Twilight in 2009 list cause well, who doesn’t love those end-of-the year lists? I know I do. Were you worried we’d miss some of your best of 2009’s in the Twi-dom? Well, have no fear cause we’re back to finish out the list…

Review 10-6 in our countdown of the Best of Twilight in 2009…

10. Oscars
09. Britpack
08. HB/Vanity fair
07. Vancouver
06. Remember Me
c

Now let's really make every Twilight fan faint as if shirtless Tay wasn't enough

05. MTV Music Video Awards – May 31st 2009 will live in infamy for many reasons. Not only were we treated to the very first mini trailer for New Moon in which we got to see Jacob with his shirt off, Jacob looking hot and Jacob fursploding for the very first time then we got to see Kristen pull a Bella and drop her award on the ground but Rob and Kristen won best kiss. And oh how the fandom died a little inside when they faked us all out with their cockblock of a kiss. Of course this spiraled out of control and took the whole “are they or aren’t they”/Robsten vs Nonsten speculation to  meteoric levels. Oh and UC and Moon got the honor of live blogging the event for almost 50,000 folks with our fave blogger pals New Moon Movie, Twicrack Addict and Lauren’s Bite.
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So I was like grrrrrrrl just wait till he takes off that cream colored sweater to reveal that sleeveless button up... HMMM MMMM

04. Stephenie Meyer mentions LTTThe day Stephenie Meyer wrote her blog recounting her summer vacation will remain one of the best days in all of LTT history and one of the best moments of 2009 (and maybe in my life). Hidden amidst stories of her summer reading list and music she was currently listening to was a short blip about websites she had recently found where she cryptically mentioned adding “LTT” to her “stalk list” and thanked us for the “laugh lines.” At that moment we knew Stephenie “got it.” She got that we loved her stories, her characters and HER but that we also loved all funny little things too. Our work and time and obsession was worth it because the author of the books we were so in love with had apparently read us AND liked us enough to mention us on her site and add us to some sort of “stalk list.” Which I can only imagine is magically stored some place between the phone number for Robert Pattinson and the finished manuscript for Midnight Sun along with the outlines for post Breaking Dawn saga additions and the Alice and Jasper backstory. *crosses fingers and adds this to my prayer request list*

What will make the top three best of Twilight 2009 list? Follow the cut to see!
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The Lautner Family Christmas letter

Today, we’re bringing you a very special family Christmas letter:

December 2009                     Issue 19, Vol 4

Family trip to the jersey shore in 06

To our Family, friends, and all the folks over at BigDaddyFan.net,

Been a big year for the Lautner family. May have heard about all the successes young Taylor has had. It’s been great having a lot of young beauties hanging around. I can get lonely ever since Debbie left. I’ve been trying to get back out on the dating scene. When Debbie split I thought I’d just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m complaining. This blonde that has been hanging around lately is a real cutie. We have this inside joke where I goose her every time she walks by. She gets a kick out of that. Haven’t seen her in awhile come to think… They seem to be spending a lot of time over at her place. Hmm.. I’ll have to cook her up my world famous “Big Daddy triple pounder, double fried burger with pepperjack, mozzarella & swiss cheese burgers” to entice her to come around more.

You may have heard that I’ve taken some time away from the airline industry. The company no longer felt it safe for me to hook two seatbelts together to stay in the pilot seat and there wasn’t room in the budget for a bigger belt. Just need to drop another 40-50 and I can retake my tests and hopefully get back up there in the air

News from the around the Valley: I’ve been really busy volunteering for city council. You might remember me mentioning last year I started the one-man restaurant team. We lobby for the best eats to be brought into the neighborhood and try to keep In-N-Out from growing their territory. What kind of restaurant only has 4 things on their menu? I don’t care what kind of secret menu you might find if you use the world wide web, I like having options when I go out to dine. Plus, I’d never set foot into an establishment without a fish sandwich on the menu. Why wouldn’t you have a fish sandwich, In-N-Out? Don’t you know some people like a change from the triple pounder from time to time? Anyway, we had great success this year protesting a local independent theater that was showing Super-Size-Me. That’s just propaganda no one needs to hear.

I’d include some recent pictures or a video of the kids, but I’ve been a little busy using the camcorder to film all the hot European chicks Taylor and I ran across during his press tour. I also ran out of memory on my digital camera after taking a picture of every Fish-o-Filet I’ve eaten in the last year (for a promotional video on the restaurant team section of the city council website. It’ll be up here real soon: valleycitycouncil.web.us.gov/team/misc/citizenoutreach.html/fishsandwiches.webs) I gotta get over to the Radio Shack to figure out how to add more memory to this camera. But if you really care to know what Taylor looks like, just peek at the posters on every bus stop- he pretty much looks like that in real life. Makena is growing up nicely. I think she looks more and more like her ol’ pop every day! Continue reading

Taylor on Saturday Night Live!

Dear Taylor-

Tonight you’re going to be hosting Saturday Night Live and if I’m honest I’m beyond excited for you and for me! I may have even double checked the DVR like uh… 5 times or so just to make sure I’ll have it recorded for all of eternity or until my DVR blows up from recording too many episodes of Top Chef and Jersey Shore (It’s “The Situation,” yall!). I’m kinda of an SNL connoisseur  so can I suggest a few things?

You kind HAVE TO do a skit where you impersonate Rob! I mean seriously, who else could do it? Put on a wig of crazy sex hair, a flannel and have some girl in a black mullet wig tell you what to do, brood a bunch and it’s gold I tell ya!

Make fun of yourself and the jorts! You HAVE to do a wolfpack skit or at the very least something about teen wolf! Only one of the best movie of the 80s by Micheal J Fox that didn’t have to do with time travel.

Opening Monologue?! Well, I mean Taylor Swift set the bar pretty hight… you either gonna have to give her a shout out or do your best impression of Taylor doing Taylor Swift doing Shakira… whew I’m just tired thinking about it…

I have BIG hopes for your Taylor… you will rock this cause no one can do worse than January Jones did this season on SNL. So bring it and bring it HARD (that’s what she said!) Cause I’ll be watching!!!!!!!

Break a leg!
Themoonisdown

What skits do you hope Taylor does on SNL tonight? An “Oh Really?” or perhaps a “Target” with Kristen Wig? Let’s all cross our fingers Big Daddy makes it in because this SNL will (hopefully) be full of videos and videos worth of blog content!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

New Moon rumor patrol

Dear New Moon,

So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there are rumors floating around EVERYWHERE. I thought I’d take a little time today, dig into the news and gossip, contact my sources and really do some research into the stories out there to help us determine what to believe or not. Enjoy!

1. Women everywhere have forgotten about their vintage green washer & dryer and have taken up hand washing their clothes in a bucket of cold, sudsy water, and Wal-mart has suddenly tripled inventory on the old fashioned washboard (formally found in the craft department to be used as decoration) as demand increases due to all the women recently inspired to manually scrub out the stains in their clothing:

True- thanks to Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs. He now gets a royalty check every time Wal-mart sells an old-fashioned washboard.

2. Chris Weitz has agreed to do Breaking Dawn and make it into two films

False or True or… this is still a rumor: Chris is concerned that he set the bar pretty high this time with the yellow pants and isn’t sure if he has another color of slacks to top them when it comes time for Breaking Dawn promotion. He has a cranberry pair that his mom sent him for Thanksgiving (they have a stitching of a turkey along the top) but are they good enough? It’s really a lot to consider. PLUS, two more movies to film? He’s really concerned that Robsten can’t stick it out that long. And nothing would be worse than the world’s precious star couple breaking up the night before Rob is supposed to bite pillows and tear apart headboards. So if he agrees to it and if he finds the perfect pair of pants, he will probably recast Bella. He’ll cast me. He doens’t know it yet, but he will. I sent him a pair of bedazzled, neon blue “UC & Moon” pants last week. He’ll get them any day now and he’ll be convinced. Feathers all over my naked body, here I come!

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Moon is so thankful – Happy Thanksgiving to the Twilight fandom!

Dear Twilight and LTT/LTR-ers

About 3 things I was absolutely positive: First I was a vampire blogger with the best co-blogger around. Second, there was part of us — and I didn’t know how snarky that part might be — that thirsted to blog about Rob and twilight every day for a year. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably thankful for  you all!

Thankful for their magic-ness (you can't even make this stuff up!)

Today in the states we celebrate Thanksgiving, a day we take off to sit back and remember all that we have to be thankful for. Of couse I could make a list a mile long that includes stuff like Stephenie Meyer (duh), the holy trinity, big daddy, buttcrack santa, jorts, little bottles, “you’re alive!” “animal attacks,” Cullen smiles, twi moms, Cee Dubs and his orange pants, the wietz’ genius, and this great community we have right here at LTT/LTR but you know that already. So we’re taking today to remember our family, friends, and all our blessings and that just happens to include you all and the Twilight world!

You don’t have to live in the states to participate for the rest of the week/end we will be featuring letters and tweets of thanks on LTT and LTR as UC and I take a mini break to refuel and reflect. If you’d like to tell us what you’re thankful for email us a letter, a sentence, a thought or tweet us your thanks!

I hope whether you’re near or far (wherever you are) that you know today we’re thankful for YOU and appreciate all our readers and now friends!

Happy Thanksgiving!
Themoonisdown

What are you thankful for? Take a second to share with us in the comments! Don’t live in the states? Do you have a holiday similar to thanksgiving?

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter