Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity

UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse

Newest Twilight Saga Cast Members: Moon and UC. Why not?!

We can be German reality show winners!

Dear Eclipse/Breaking Dawn Casting Directors, David Slade and whatever director ends up getting saddled with BD,

With all the news about the recent casting announcements and rumors swirling regarding who’s going to play who I’d like to formally toss my hat into the ring. Yes, I Moon Last Name Withheld would like to be in your movie(s). Besides the obvious: I don’t have an agent, a manager, a resume, a head shot or any serious acting skills beyond a couple school and church productions (oh and a very amazing video about wearing your seat belt shot for our 9th grade Safety Ed class), why not me? And why not UC while we’re at it? Remember when she begged to be Emily then Tanya? Come on!

You’ve recently cast Leah who wears a scarf over her boobs, some kid named BOO BOO for goodness sake and about every slut with a head shot around the world is starting a rumor that she will be Tanya. And now some chick from Germany who won a reality show contest is going to play Vera, Rosalie’s friend. So why not us? Here’s my pitch:

We can do slutty! Sorta.

We’re random unknowns with questionable skills, so we fit in with the folks you’ve already cast. We can wear scarved around our awesome racks and come up with an odd name for ourselves. How about Moon-Moon and UC baby? And I’m sure if given the chance we’d kick ass on a reality show, especially a reality show where the prize is a role in a Twi-movie. Our confessionals/Diary room footage would be worth it alone!

For the studio and production: A plus for the marketing side is that we even have a couple followers who might be interested if we actually made it into a twi film! We could rally our total rad troops to spread the word about how great Volturi gaurd #4 and Random Witness #23 are! And really, choosing us as your newest cast members would be a savings since we’re already pale,  so there’s no need for make up to airbrush on us, and no need for wigs since we have luscious locks and a coupon to the costume supply shop if one of us gets attacked by a random girl with a mullet and a pair of scissors. Heck, you could pay us in kisses from Rob and gift cards to Pink Berry.

Our joint headshot

So won’t you find it in your heart and scripts to cast us as Hiker who gets killed and friend of Leah #2?

After all there are no small parts only small actors!
Themoonisdown

See what good times UC has cooking over at Letters to Rob
Post your acting resume and run lines at the forum!

I can paint with all the colors of the wind

Dear Vancouver, British Columbia,

Hello. My name is UnintendedChoice, and I wanted to introduce myself because I am coming to visit you really soon. Actually, it’s a good idea for us to become bff’s because you’ll be seeing a lot of me in the upcoming months, starting on Sunday, February 8, from 9am-12pm at the Second Ave Studios.

You see, I have what we call an acute fondness for Robert Pattinson (not to mention a sorta unhealthy obsession of looking at this picture of Taylor Lautner),

and I will do whatever it takes to be in his next film (Yes, I’ll even miss my grandfather’s 90th birthday party- but shh, I’ll be feigning a migraine that day)

There is a mysterious casting call that has popped up all over the web, and this is the reason for my visit. I know, I know, you see a few problems with my reasoning, right? Well, let me assure you, I know what I am doing:

1. You don’t even know that this audition is for New Moon. Oh yeah? Do YOU know of another major motion picture being filmed in your city from mid-March to the end of May requiring the expertise of “First Nation” actors? Yeah, didn’t think so.
2. Okay. You’re not a First Nation/Aboriginal actress. That’s why they call it ACTING, people. I can do it. Pocahontas was my favorite movie as a child. One of my best friends is 1/32nd Native American. I live in Pennsylvania near the Skukyll and Delaware rivers. I threw up in Lake Lenape when I was 7 years old. Another friend went to Susquehanna University, and my high school’s mascot was an INDIAN for God’s sakes! UPDATE: theMoonisDown just informed me her grandpa is 1/4 NA and she grew up in the state with the MOST reservation land in the country. This makes me even more qualified!
3. …You have pale white skin… Ugh, such minor details! I will hit up the Tantopia every day until the audition. Did I forget to mention I think John Smith is the most smokin’ of all the Disney male characters? That’s gotta help me, right?

On second thought.. I do really have pale white skin. I wonder…. you know how there’s all this spectulation going around about what Edward/Rob will be doing during New Moon and how they’re going to make sure he’s still a “main part” of the movie without ruining the integrity of the book?  Well, he visits Tanya in Alaska, right? And Tanya loves Eddie….and they need more Eddie in the movie… and Tanya probably attempts to kiss Eddie while he’s visiting and/or bite his neck and/or wrestle him to the ground/snow while possibly sticking her hand down his pants to distract him from missing Bella..and Tanya has pale white skin.. and so do I.. OMG! GET CHRIS WEITZ ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.  I am a GENIUS!

See you soon,
UnintendedChoice aka Emily, err, Tanya xoxo