#FanFail- what is it in the Twidom?

Do I have to photoshop Robsten in order to be a fan?

Dear Twilight,

I realized yesterday that I, quite often, hashtag #fanfail, even when I’m not on Twitter, when talking about myself as a fan in this Twidom. If I forget who a minor character is or accidentally miss Ashley Greene’s dog’s birthday or forget to mention that when the manager of the McDonald’s in Pasadena gave control of the franchise to Big Daddy Lautner for one day, I am hard on myself. I sometimes consider myself a failure as a fan.

I realized that I think this about myself when yesterday morning I received an email from an old friend you might remember, EastFriend from The Quad, who, I can only imagine was INSPIRED BY GOD to say (aka she read Moon’s post from yesterday), “Don’t hate me. I’m a bad fan, but WHO is Boo-Boo Stewart!?” I wrote back, “You’re NOT a bad fan. No one is supposed to remember who he is.” But it spurred on some thoughts in my mind about who IS or ISN’T a bad fan. Can we really quantify that? Is there a fine line between FAN and NON-FAN? There just might be….Here is what I’ve come up with.

Here’s how you know you’re STILL a fan:

  • It IS okay if you still aren’t sure what part Boo-Boo Stewart plays and wonder if he’s actually Justin Bieber’s younger brother. You’re still a fan.
  • It IS okay if you’re not sure who Justin Bieber is & think he’s probably connected to The Twidom since he’s trending at #1 on Twitter almost every day and what else can be that popular other than something Twi-related? You’re still a fan.
  • Even if you haven’t watched New Moon on DVD yet… You’re still a fan.* (see my explanation below)
  • It’s okay if you don’t know why Rob Pattinson is in Budapest right now. You’re still a fan.
  • It’s EVEN okay if you still like Nikki Reed on occasion and don’t understand why people seem to hate on her. You’re still a fan.
  • Guess what? Even if you thought TWILIGHT was better than NEW MOON even though it wasn’t as good but it was still better (follow me?) You’re still a fan.
  • If your cousin’s boyfriend’s half sister’s brother told you that one of the Twilight cast members is gay because he experienced it first-hand and you forget whether or not that knowledge is public because you are so disconnected from the Twidom. You’re still a fan.
  • If you LIKE your Twilight books & movies pure & innocent and even though you feel majorly cock-blocked you’d rather that than have all the blanks (and SO MUCH MORE) filled in by FanFic writers, You’re still a fan.

Here is how you know you MIGHT need to turn in your fan card:

  • You lost your Twilight books. And didn’t immediately replace them. You’re probably not a fan
  • If You saw this commercial and did not IMMEDIATELY think that it’s Big Daddy Lautner’s theme song, then You’re probably not a fan.
  • If you don’t own even one little embarrassing memento of your obsession (like a bookmark or a melted piece of Jacob milk chocolate) You’re probably not a fan
  • You saw the new Nicolas Sparks book-turned-film last weekend and are now on Team Miley-Cyrus’ Boyfriend, You’re DEFINITELY not a fan
  • You ran into Cathy Hardi at the TGIFridays in Venice Beach and now you’re dreading your hair, smoking the tree, prank calling Oregano at 4 am and talking shizz about Summit and how they “screwed the pooch with that Weitz-guy.” You’re either not a fan or Cathy roofied your drink while she distracted you by showing you the Robsten audition tape on her cell phone

So it’s hard to tell.  Am I still a fan? Are you a fan or not? Where is the line? It’s not black & white. It’s all gray & gray’s not good (or cool), but I think we can say this. For as long as I continue blogging on LTT, even if I mistakenly think that Boo Boo Stewart is a distant cousin of Kristen’s, I’m still allowed my fancard. And if you still read LTT every day (or at least 3.67 times a week), despite forgetting the exactly date and time of Edward Masen Cullen’s birthday, you’re still a fan, as well.

Glad we settled that!
UnintendedChoice

*I haven’t watched New Moon on DVD yet. And yet I blog about Twilight each and every day of my life (except Sundays now- it’s my day of rest) so if you wanna say I’m not a fan, I’ll be happy to have a fan off with you. And show you my boobs. For fun. Cuz I wouldn’t win if we had a boob-off, but it’d be fun to say I was a part of.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

When Twihards attack

Dear Twihards,

First let’s come up with a better name for ourselves because I don’t exactly like to be called anything that ends in “hards.” Secondly, other people are onto us. It’s not just our little LTT corner of the fandom that discusses the ridiculous (but amazingness) of the phenomenon anymore. Other people know. Like REAL people who haven’t fallen for the Edward Cullen or Jacob Black trap. They haven’t been entranced by the “spider monkey” line or Buttcrack Santa or the Fake lesbians, the DILF’s mustard pants or the brilliancy of “They’re NOT Bears!”

A few weeks ago I heard about some drama going down on a blog called The Score Card Review. Basically every year they host their own movie awards on their site. They work with writers & people in the industry to come up with a list of the best movies, actors, screenplays etc. etc. etc. And then their readers vote. It’d be like if we did an LTT award ceremony and had you vote between Buttcrack Santa & Big Daddy (which would be CRUEL and unfair. HOW COULD ONE CHOOSE!?)

So anyway, New Moon was included as one of the options on a few categories. The guy running the awards said even though the movie wasn’t at the caliber as many of the Oscar-nominated movies that were also up for his award, it made a lot of money and he wanted to see where it ended up in the rankings. Here is the rest of the story, straight from his site:

Last year, 823 people voted. February 16, a date that will live in infamy to … well, me. I was tracking my stats, and noticed people finding the TSR Movie Awards from [a bunch of Twilight sites]. On February 16, I had over 2,000 voters. Then I looked at the results. Everything Twilight was nominated for, was destroying the competition. Destroying. Something had to be done. It was a hostile takeover. I ran some filters and noticed a couple of things.

1. A number of voters were only voting for Twilight and nothing else.
2. A large number of voters were giving everything Twilight a 10 and everything else a 1.
3. Moon was crushing everything else for Best Ending. Keep in mind this is a film barely anyone saw, yet hundreds were voting for it. I think it did $1.5 million at the box office. My best guess as to why this was happening … Remember when I said the awards appeared on many Spanish websites? I think they recognized the word Moon and decided that must be The Twilight Saga: New Moon. When Moon was the ONLY film hundreds voted on for Best Ending, it’s the most reasonable explanation.

The site decided to pull New Moon from the awards. This was (part of) their official statement:

Unfortunately, I had to remove ‘The Twilight Saga: New Moon’ choices. Too many twihards were giving everything Twilight a 10, and every other film a 1, trying to manipulate the results.

I love movies, movie fans and I have no problem with people loving Twilight, but trying to kill other movies is not the point of these awards….but here is an example of what was happening …

In the BEST MUSIC category, Twilight had a 9.3 score. The next highest was Crazy Heart with a 3.8. That was the next highest! In other words, there were hundreds of twihards who decided the best way for Twilight to win was to give the other nominees a 1.

Apparently fans FLIPPED out & sent him hate mail & hate comments. And he had some pretty strong words for the “Twihards” and called them out for their avid fan… uh.. ish.. ness. Yes. their fanishness..

Hear my thoughts & get Twilosophical with me after the jump Continue reading

LTT, a love letter – Where you’re free to be a freak

Wait, you liked this guy more than the guy who played Cedric Diggory when you were 13?!

Dear LTT

I love you…in a non-creepy stalker way of course.

You see before I found you I was almost positive that I was a little insane….in fact, after spending an entire day watching multiple youtube interviews and trying to dissect in my head whether Robsten was alive (when, to be honest, I don’t really care) I forced myself to read a very boring psychology textbook as if it would wash the shame away. Watching the hour long vanity fair video was the breaking point and I thought that maybe the obsession was becoming a little crazy. I got that heart beating fast, palms sweating, slight hysteria thing every time a new interview was posted and I actually started squealing when a video was posted! Squealing! I never squealed before in my life, not even when I was 13 and in love with Gareth Gates… But then I found a link to your site, possibly from ‘I love boys who sparkle’ who noted that you talked a lot about Chris Weitz and Dilfs… I was intrigued.

No one can resist the power of Big Daddy

But now, I love you. Where else can I find out about big daddy Lautner, be linked to the awesome that is the ‘I’ll make love to you robsten’ video, watch highly erotic youtube videos on LTR and comfort myself with the fact that, as I live in the UK, the age of consent is 16 so I can ogle pictures of Taylor Lautner without gaining the wrath of Chris Hansen.

So now, when I slip and reveal the crazy to one of my non-twilight friends, and they look at me in that slightly mocking-slightly concerned way, I just smile and chant ‘that’s normal’ in my head. I’m sure that makes me look more crazy but hey, what can you do? J

Let your freak flag fly!

And the biggest thing LTT has taught me? If you’re going to be a freak, be a freak within a group of freaks, that way you’re perfectly normal. So, I’ve started systematically converting my friends to Twilight… And, when I think they are ready, I will show them to LTT and let them embrace the awesomeness too.

Love ya

Jem

Thank you Jem!!! So have you converted any of your friends to Twilight? Do you know which ones would be down and which wouldn’t? Did you like Gareth Gates? Who the EF is Gareth Gates?

PS Seriously go read LTR today!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Taylor Lautner: It’s the final countdown

Dear Taylor,

I thought as the final countdown begins to your 18th birthday and the day when Chris Hansen finally gets off our back (5 days!) we’d kick off this weekend with two fan letters to you. Enjoy your last few days of protection from Cougars due to your age. If you thought it was bad when you were underage (grown woman giving you their panties to sign) just WAIT until you’re of age….

Love,
UC

Dear Legal in Georgia and New Zeland (in case you feel like promoting over here – thatswhatshesaid),

Stop looking so good, its contagious…I mean seriously….you’re making K-Stew look appealing…in a girl-crush-fake-lesbian way. And if you can do that…you are officially a GOD (apart from Peggy Sirota of course…)

You should seriously package that….I can see it now

“SIMPLY ILLEGAL” All you need is Lautner

“Do you feel inadequate next to your illegally buff boyfriend? Then “Simply Illegal” is for you! Be the envy of boys AND girls when you enter the room. It will instantly make you look and feel better (in a “special hug” sort of way)..so go ahead, throw your head back and laugh….cause you’ve got a Lautner (and indecency charges on your hands)…and thats all you’ll need”

SIMPLY ILLEGALLust, Lawsuits, Lautner…

I’ll work pro-bono (thatswhatshesaid) as your personal assistant in this venture…I’m an expert neck sniffer….

Obsessed with you much?

Love,
Moi

p.s. K-Stew…I know you want to lick that sexy neck…especially that adam’s apple and the rise in his shoulder *need.air.* (i mean jaw porn much?)….but u made ur choice…deal with it…

One of the last letters about an underage Taylor EVER after the jump! Continue reading

Twilight stuff that should not exist…. then some that should

Dear Twilight art lovers,

While we’re waiting for the leg hitch anything from David Slade & Summit, I thought we’d take a stroll through the Twilight Saga Art Gallery to see what’s new. What I love about this saga is all the crap it provides that I can make fun of that with each new movie, more and more people are inspired to make horrifying beautiful art. I hope their inspiration doesn’t wane. And I hope that with the new stills of Eclipse that we’re sure to see any day now and the eventual images of Taylor Lautner and a little girl from Toddlers and Tiara’s and the shots of Kristen Stewart with a prosthetic pregnant stomach when Breaking Dawn starts filming, some creative artists will make us drawings, paintings, sculptures and finger puppets so that the images of Taylor and a baby and Kristen with child can be etched in our minds forever. And with just the touch of a button and the virtual swipe of a credit card on Etsy, we can each have a physical reminder of the incredible creepiness of the storyline of a grown boy imprinting on a child powerful story of love between Edward & Bella.

First, an artful homage to Jacob Black

Good thing she copywrote this drawing. I was about to make 1,000 copies and sell them at the Remember Me premiere in March for Rob to sign. (Instead I’ll just bring him my Twilight books)

Something for your baby to wear in the church nursery

Oh you think this is just an attractive pic of Taylor Lautner shirtless? I did too. Look closely at what he’s touching

Let’s not forget about Jasper

The crazy thing is, he actually looks better here than he does in the movies….

And how about a little Robsten art love?

These little upside-down clay pots representing Bella & Edward come with a cardboard cut out of the Meadow scene for you to act out when your husband is asleep!

Don’t ask why. Ask why not!

Thankfully, there is GOOD Twilight art out there. Follow the jump to see some that might be new to you! Continue reading

White Yorkie has some questions for you and remembers Comic Con 2008

*Hey guys, remember The Font? Remember the splash he caused a week ago? Well we’re back with The Font’s (and my) friend, who is also intrigued by you folks! He decided to write you a letter and explain his side of things.*

Just imagine the white version

Greetings, Letters to Twilight readers, commenters, and stalkers.

I am a good friend of your favorite new contributor, The Font.  I, too, am a straight dude.  You may call me White Yorkie.

Over the past few years, I have had numerous in depth discussions/confusion sessions with people (The Font and Moon included) concerning the Twilight phenomenon.  Lately though, the inability for my friends to not mention Twilight when we’re together is pushing me to the brink of insanity.  Usually resulting in making me irritable, angry, and unpleasant.

Where are you White Yorkie? Is that you w/ the camcorder?

My bewilderment began at Comic-Con 08 in the now infamous Hall H pandemonium inducing panel discussion.  At the time, Twilight wasn’t on my radar whatsoever.  I’d never even heard of it.  So you can imagine my surprise when the cast arrived onstage and 3,000 screaming girls (and their mothers) nearly deafened me.  WTF can’t even begin to describe the look on my face and the utter horror welling up in my heart.   I was there for panels on comics, comic-based movies, and to look at/buy copious amounts of actions figures.  So who were these teeny-emo-vamps and why had they taken over my joyous Comic-Con experience?  Surely this unheard of movie (to me) didn’t warrant a coveted spot in Hall H!  And then the panel started…

Yup, that's my hair up there

First, the Q&A.

First observation: Kristen Stewart (codename: SleepyFace), apparently touches her hair just as much off-screen as she does on.  And it’s not like I didn’t like her, she just seemed bored out of her skull (read: scared out of her MIND).  I just wanted the madness to be over so I could see my exclusive Watchmen footage and then get back to discussing the minutiae of how my friends and I would revise the Star Wars saga to our liking.

Wait, you don't see the allure here?

And then they started asking You-Know-Who some questions.  Each and every time their beloved R. Pattzy opened his mouth to answer, he was greeted by minutes of shrieking.  He couldn’t even speak.  And when he did, you couldn’t hear a dang thing.  I kept having flashbacks of old footage from Beatles and Michael Jackson concerts with hordes of psychotic fans being carried away due to fainting/convulsions.  What in the name of Alan Moore was happening?  This poor, seemingly soft-spoken actor, was in serious danger of having his clothes ripped off or just complete dismemberment as a result of some crazed stage-rushing fiasco.  In my entire life, I had never encountered something like this.  And I was terrified.  What and who has tapped into these girls’/mothers’ hearts and minds that makes them act this way?  And HOW did they do it?

Find out more plus a special announcement after the cut
Continue reading

Dear Twilight: I resent you

So often we receive letters from all the “educated types.” No, no- not people with plain old college educations. I mean people with LEGIT education. From like Harvard, Yale or any of the schools in England because they all seem so much better than the ones we have in the US. Or people finishing up their master thesis’ or better yet, in the final days of a doctoral program. And when I hear those people, obviously so much smarter than me, have been as entranced by the Twilight saga as I have been, I feel better about myself. Here is one such example:

Smart Book

Dear Twilight-

Forgive me for beginning my letter harshly, but since I write you on a single, persistent theme, I feel I must introduce it immediately: Twilight, I resent you.

I met you for work. As a doctorate student, I am obligated to be a teacher’s assistant to the professors in the art department. If I have to be honest, I’ll admit to you that I only occasionally enjoy this work. There is a long list of reasons why, I suppose, but mostly I can classify the reason under tedium. It can be tedious to grade papers, make power-points, listen to the same lecture repeatedly, listen to the same lecture repeatedly, listen to the same lecture repeatedly. (Twilight, I’m guessing you know a bit about tedium, because some of your description are repetitive. We know Edward’s beautiful. We know. God help us, we know.)

Anyway, last semester I had to T.A. an introductory course called “Beauty in Art: Changing Standards and Cultural Mirroring.” This is an interesting topic, so big and interesting it almost can’t be taught well. The professor, who has a pony-tail and fancies himself kind of the bongo-playing, all questions are good questions, bring your weed to my office anytime archetype, organizes the course so that a great deal of class time is spent on contemporary standards of beauty. His most strenuous attempt to get bored freshmen to embrace him as their peer came when you, Twilight, were the focus of discussion for three classes.

Not Smart Book

I found myself in a forced Twilight immersion. I had to read all of you. I had to watch all of you. I had to photocopy and violate international copyright and licensing laws by distributing many passages of you. The thing is- I had to. It was my job. You discuss beauty so explicitly, so you were perfect. You describe the perfect man. How could the professor have ignored you?

Twilight, I’m an art historian, ok? I’m going to lay it on the line for you. I’m probably less snobby than many of the people I work for, or with, but in general, we’re a snobby group. We’re not as snobby as art critics, but we’re snobby. We’re all shut up in libraries (pale ourselves, but not in an attractive way), writing scholarly articles to each other on topics of obscurity, speaking a language all our own. We tend to get snobby, because the more discriminatory one’s area of specialty, the more likely one is to be the authority on it. So when I read you, and watched you, I said to you, “Why, Twilight, you just aren’t very good. Your Stephanie Meyer gives us what we want too easily. I’m not actually sure she’s a good writer. And if I’m working on that theory, then I’m going to go ahead and be a little offended that she brings Wuthering Heights into the mix, because that happens to be a really, really great book.”

The class ended. I graded the papers on how hot Edward was. Not many of them were good. He’s too hot- do you know what I mean, Twilight? Can you understand why a paper on beauty wouldn’t be good if it was just a description of something that is, by its very definition, beautiful? The class needed to push past this, into sort of a meta discussion of beauty, but it was an 8AM lecture. Most of the male students were lulled to sleep by the wash-out Forks’ colors and most of the women were just too…stimulated.

So here I am, Twilight: Still in a forced Twilight immersion, because we’re all in a forced cultural Twilight immersion. I can’t escape from you. And nothing I can do will change that. And if I somehow could- which I can’t- I would feel such a sense of loss. I like you, Twilight. I know I’m being manipulated by some not great writing, some not great movies, but oh, Twilight, you are so addictive. I’m really and truly stuck.

This is my plan. I’m not apologizing for it, either. I’m going to like you, and resent you. I’m going to admit I like you, and resent you, when asked. I’m not categorizing you under guilty pleasure- for me, for my own peace of mind, there’s only pleasure and non-pleasure. I started today. In my tiny cubby hole office, the center of my tiny cubby hole world, there is now a picture of Edward leaning down, his brow so perfectly, so painfully furrowed, to kiss Bella. (I cut Bella out.) You’re in it now, Twilight, stuck up on the wall with pictures of re-constructed Nineveh. You make me happy, Twilight, like Assyrian art makes me happy, so I’m sticking by you. I hate you. I love you.

Love, Me

Are you a smart person. No, I mean like a really smart person? Do you like Twilight?

Last image from a site called Smart People who happen to like Twilight

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter