A Unicorn strikes again

I don’t know about you but I miss talking about Unicorns. It’s been SO long that I bet a bunch of you even assume we’re talking about the “Unicorns” from the Fan Fic “Wide Awake.” No, no, no. I mean the REAL Unicorns. You know, the mythical creatures- a GUY who likes the Twilight saga. Here is a Unicorn story that was sent to us that I just had to share!

Kaleb Nation- the original Unicorn

Dear Unicorn Boy at the AMC,

So, I arrived for my 12th (yes, 12, what has happened to my life?…) viewing of New Moon.  Now there is usually a relatively predictable crowd at each viewing; a few girls out for a ladies’ night hoping to swoon over Edward and the fABulous Jacob, girls who have boyfriends nice enough to go see the movie only because the wolves looked pretty cool in the trailer and the occasional family with younger children, who obviously have a Twilight fan for a mother. However, you, darling unicorn boy made this particular show oh so special.

I settled in, surrounded by the regular crowd of viewers and in you waltzed (late, but I will overlook that) with your baggy pants and comb sticking out of your hair, clearly not your typical Twilight fan. You sat right down in the second row with your popcorn and glued your eyes to the screen. Now I will admit I wondered if you were lost or drunk, or perhaps both. Maybe you thought the sign outside said Avatar or maybe that other vampire movie Daybreakers. I waited to see if perhaps your girlfriend just hadn’t stumbled in yet, but no you were all alone.

At first I barely noticed you once Edward appeared onscreen but then I heard you laugh and realized you were not to be ignored. I had to see your reactions. I watched your shock as Jasper tries to attack Bella, I heard your roaring (and slightly over-the-top) laughter as Bella sits sandwiched between Mike and Jacob at the movies and just as I was starting to like you, you ruined it all. As Jacob made his jump from the window after trying to help Bella figure out the truth, you yell out “He’s a mother f***kin’ wolf, girl!!”. Now I won’t lie, I laughed, because that’s just funny but was it really necessary? Perhaps I wouldn’t have found this so obnoxious if you hadn’t done what you did next. You answered your phone! Yes, right there in the movie, you answered your phone. Here you sat, my very own unicorn to gawk at and you turn out to be totally full of crazysauce!

Is Rob Pattinson a Unicorn?

So your conversation ended and your awkward laughter, weird head-bobbing and random comments continued. You really enjoyed the Volturi scene, I could tell, your eyes were wide and your mouth hung open. After the movie was over, I was so hoping to chat with you but you totally bolted, perhaps not wanting to face anyone else in the theater, because we all heard you…and laughed at you, er, with you I mean…

Anyways, while I won’t compare you to my other unicorn friend, because he knows how to act in a movie, I will say you were one-of-a-kind. And I just want to thank you for making it worth the 70 miles I drove to the theater and the $10 I spent to see a movie I had already seen 11 times before.

I can’t deny that you were entertaining and I’ll admit you’re right, he is a mother f***kin’ wolf.

Love,
The girl 3 rows behind you and a little to the left, who found you just delightful.

There! Doesn’t’ it feel good to talk about those kinds of Unicorns? Share your recent Unicorn stories today in the comments! And get caught up on our Unicorn archive

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Caught on video (by bored fans) Kristen Stewart’s acting tricks

Dear Kristen,

Your fans have broken down what some consider to be the hallmarks of your acting style. They include, the blink, the lip bite (sexy, I use this one too!),  the lip lick, the exhale and the hair toss all in video form, curated here by me! Please tell your fans to not attack us but rather to enjoy the absurdity that someone made these…

The Lip Bite – So people say you bite your lip a lot. This is the go to move when you’re a bit nervous or need a second to contemplate your next move. Or maybe you just have really dry lips and need someone to call cut so you can grab your chapstick. Totes understandable. Word to the wise, stay hydrated.

The Lip Lick – Someone broke it down in Twilight and you lick your lips 28 times in the movie. I want to meet the person who sat there and counted with a piece of paper and a pen while watching

The Blinking – You use this one when you seem perplexed or exacerbated. The blink is utilized to show us just how just how innocent and wide eyed you are and just how unthinkable what the other actor is saying/doing, really is.

The Exhale – used to show your disbelief or speechlessness. When used properly the exhale can be a good indicator that not only are you alive but you’re really thinking about what they said.

The Hair Toss – Oh the hair toss, girlhood’s most ancient of tricks. It can be a dead giveaway that you are nervous or super attracted to someone. In acting it can show your annoyance or personal flair for unruly hair

Now all together…

And then my favorite to show some love…

Now Kristen we’ve had some fun here today so please remind everyone that this is all in good clean fun and to have a laugh!

It’s like breathing…
Moon

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The Rave goes back into business & jumps on the Twilight band wagon

In order to best understand today’s very random letter, think about a cheesy teen store that sold cheap prom dresses in the 90’s. Got one in mind? Okay, THAT’s who I’m writing to today…. ready…. set…READ:

Dear The Rave/The Deb/Mandee/Claire’s Jewelry and all The 90’s versions of Forever 21 and H&M,

I’ve missed you. When I was 13 and thought it was cool to wear over-sized men’s Adidas t-shirts, you were always there for me. And when I was given a $50 budget maximum for my dress to the winter semi-formal of December 1998, you were the perfect place to find a sparkley, pink, thick strapped evening gown that would satisfy my dad’s requirement of modesty AND still leave me with $4.99 to stop on over at After Thought’s for a crazy blinged out necklace/ring/bracelet combo that would lose a gem 5 minutes after I walked into the jr. high gym.

The 90's can kiss my sexy ass

The reason I’m writing is because I saw your recent ad campaign with Nikki Reed. Beautiful choice, going with a Twilight star. Verizon is doing it. Anti-smoking campaigns are doing it. Hot Topic did it and now you are using Twilight to further your marketing goals and sell your formal dresses so glitzy that Miley Cyrus even passed up carrying the line for Wal-mart.

I look forward to being able to participate in “one stop shopping” when I stop in some night after work to pick up a babydoll dress to pair with an over-sized blazer and chunky platform, square-toed shoes and ALSO pick up the latest Twilight merchandise. Will you have a ying yang necklace with Bella & Jacob’s pictures on the back?

Clicky for maximum LOLs

Great thinking putting Nikki in that dress. I’m not sure exactly the vibe I get but I know it’s somewhere between having a margarita made in your mouth at Senor Frogs in Cancun and losing your virginity in the back of Tommy Crestler’s ’93 camero on the night of senior prom. Good job with the styling! Are the shoes from Charlotte Russe’s 2 pair for $15 line? I love a good deal on a pair of shoes you can wear for and entire 4 hours before the heel snaps off.

In a world where Twilight stars like Ashley Greene are featured in ad campaigns for SOBE in Sports Illustrated, and Anna Kendrick is nominated for an Oscar and smiling on the pages of every major magazine on the shelves along with Kristen Stewart who is getting a solo Vogue cover, it’s nice to see Nikki Reed keeping it real in clothing us ‘little people’ could have afforded in 1997 can afford after getting a make over at the Clinique counter right before scrunching her hair with a little “LA Looks” mousse. If someone like Nikki can go from a (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson to doing ads for what I can only assume are discontinued stores from the 1990s, then there’s hope for all of us to go from our little unimportant lives to a future (rumored) hook up with Rob Pattinson.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

My FanFic Storyline Ideas – Vol 1: JediWard

UUUUSSSEEE THE DAZZLE FORCE EDWARD!!! and t

Dear Twilight Fan Fiction writers-

Yesterday, while on Twitter I saw a trending topic called “Jedward” which as it turns out is some weird incestuous looking brother singing duo but because I’m not “down with the kids” like Billy Black, it made me think some FanFic writer created a hillbilly Edward hybrid. I tweeted it cause I think I’m funny sometimes and as it turned out I wasn’t the only one and someone else thought it was “Jediward” a Star Wars version of Edward. And THAT got me to thinking. What would Star Wars look like with Twilight characters subbed in? Now, I’m sure I’m going to get crucified by White Yorkie and the Font for attempting or even entertaining such SciFi/Fantasy heresy but I just have to explore the complete craziness of this idea.

With this in mind I present to you our latest series: My Fanfiction Storyline Ideas! Because I think of some pretty absurd ideas and feel like it’s my duty to share them with the word and please writers if you feel like taking up this mantle of absurdity, feel free. I just come up with the ideas if you can make it reality than more power to you and more laughing for me!

Click to enlarge and possibly frame

Title: Star Wars: May the Forks Be With You!
AU, Non canon Twi and Non Canon Star Wars (too hard, I tried), Scifi, Romance, Angst

Summary:
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… a rebellion begins against the evil Volturi Empire to take back the Republic and destroy the evil Darth Aro and his massive Death Star space station. Captured by the Empire while on a spy mission, Princess Bella who has the stolen Death Star blueprints hides them in escaped droids Eric2-D2 and Mike3PO.

EEEDDDWWWAAARRDDDD I am your sisterrrrr!!

Later on the planet of La Pushtouine, Edward Skywalker purchases Eric2-D2 and Mike3PO and accidentally uncovers a secret message from Princess Bella asking Charlie-Wan Kenobi to help as he’s her only hope. Inspired to help this girl Edward finds Charlie-Wan and they set out to find the Rebels to deliver the message and rescue Princess Bella. In need of transport and a secret passage they hire space pilot without a cause Jazz Solo and his Wookie co-pilot Chewbacob to lead them to the rebels.

Follow the cut to see what happens
Continue reading

I still think of Twilight all.the.time…

Dear Twilight,

You ruined me in August of 2008 when I first discovered you and missed my week of vacation reading you. Then again in November of 2008 when I first watched you and spent the following days and weeks boo-hooing at my desk at work while listening to “Flightless Bird, American Mouth.” I can’t remember the year after that except I know I went to LA twice to do Twilight-related things and somehow I’ve ended up here, still thinking about Twilight.

I think about Twilight everytime I hear the word “Vancouver” (which these days is multiple times a day) The rest of the world might think “Olympics” but noooo a Twilight fan thinks “Where the Twilight cast filmed” and wonders if the city still holds the essence of the stars & the power of Stephanie Meyer. While I try to stay awake during watch bobsledding I think about how Nikki & Kristen gave Taylor his first puff of a cigarette (and Nikki probably gave him more) that one day when New Moon filming first started. And whenever they show the Olympic village on TV, I wonder if the “humans” got to have a tour last fall when they had some time off from shooting their 5 minutes worth of scenes. During their breaks did the cast get together for a little Twilight Cast & Crew Olympics? On the day that David Slade came by to see if he was gonna have to replace Taylor Lautner, did Chris Weitz invite him to battle him at “Director Chair Rowing?”

When I go to Florida & want a smoke, I’m smacked in the face with an anti-smoking ad that has a Twilight-feel

and I’m actually kinda regretting my switch from Verizon to At&t to drink the iPhone kool-aid

Now a vampire won’t love me?

I thought that at this point, well over a year after this obsession began, I wouldn’t be thinking Twilight around every corner. But a Chevy commercial featuring a red truck just came on the TV. No, it wasn’t a beat up car from the 60’s (50’s? I’m too lazy to google it), but nonetheless, I thought of Bella.

The best thing about LTT is that it’s a daily reminder that I am not alone (oh- and I’m a pretty expressive speaker and so every time I say something is not something- I ‘say’ it like Kristen said they are not bears)

Clicky for good times

Nella had a convo with her brother who thought an old classic was strikenly like Twilight…

The other night my brother and I were watching The Sound of Music. It’s been years I haven’t watched the movie since the very beginning, so I was fully enjoying the first scene where they show the mountains before we see Maria having the time of her life spinning and singing. And then my brother goes…”It looks like Twilight.” It took me, oh, like 0.0732 seconds to realize what he was talking about. ”O_O Shit, you’re right.” The mountains with snow, the trees, the green-ness, the valleys, new girl in a new place, kids in trees…Not only the intros but the entire movies could be related one another. We took a few minutes to lol, then my brother started on how a mash-up of the two movies would be. The Sound of Twilight. Our imaginations were overflowing. Bella singing ”the trees are alive with the sound of twilight” and stopping abruptly because Mother Superior Renee was texting her, she’s got a plane to catch. She arrives at the Von Cullen residence where she meets Edward Von Cullen and his seven children. She makes them play clothes with the tablecloths they never used and they go play vampire baseball (they’re not afraid of thunder) up in the hills. Edward and Bella wander off in a meadow, then Bella starts singing ”I am seventeen going on eighteen” and Edward answers back singing ”I am seventeen going on one-oh-eight”. Emmett discovers the Von Cullen’s singing skills and ask his brother Edward if he can get them to sing at the La Push Choirs Festival.

Two words (you know what they are) That’s Normal

Katiebird sent us an email saying her mind automatically goes to all-things-Twilight-Edward, every day, in every situation, and she can’t seem to make it stop:

So just last week, my hubby and I are walking from the parking garage, in the alley behind our building, to our new home in Chicago, and I notice that there are two large square black metal openings, that look like coal chutes, on the back of our building. That is what I am guessing, because that is how buildings in Chicago were heated a long time ago, and the city would deliver coal thru those openings to the furnaces below. There is a date inscribed on the openings that says 1906. My hubby notices as well, and says, “Hey, I think our building may have been built in the late 1800’s. That is so cool.” We are now walking up the back steps, and I accidently say out loud, “Wow, Edward wasn’t even a vampire yet, just a little boy.” Whoops, holy crap…. It just dawns on me, right then, that I am living in the city where Edward was born, and am thinking that was kind of cool, but did I really just say that out loud? My man, God love him, doesn’t miss a beat, and replies, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t happen until when? 1918?” What was that? Has he really been paying attention? He also moans and says, “God, why do I know that?!?!” I just laugh, and think to myself, “Man, I can’t believe that I just went there, and said it out loud.” All I can say, is that he is finally learning to just go with it, and at least not laughing in my face. If he only knew, how many times I relate things and situations to Twilight/Edward, and sometimes even Rob, he probably would have me committed.

And I know that’s not it. I know tomorrow morning something I hear on the radio on my drive into work will remind me of Twilight. Will it ever stop? (Do I want it to?)

Thinking of you, fondly,
UnintendedChoice

So I know we’re not the only ones. We get emails from you all daily because of something that reminded you of Twilight. Fess up- what are you thinking of these days!?

Thanks to Jenny-meiss & Luludee for sending in that Verizon commercial!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Team Cullen take over the Olympics

*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*

Go for the gold Cullens!

Dear Cullen Family,

I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.

It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!

Carlise's competition? Eric Yorkie!

Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)

Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.

Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!

Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!
Continue reading

Working out with Big Daddy Lautner

Dear Big Daddy Lautner,

Imagine my surprise this weekend when a sweet twitter follower, Megistwitting, sent us THIS picture to grace my computer screen:

Son- this way. I see the Arches...

Sure, sure. It’s nice to see Taylor walking out and about and legal, but I’m talking about that handsome stud reflecting in the windows of the building- Yes! It’s you! You thought you escaped the flash of the camera, but the paparazzi know how much we love you! They’re not going to let a perfect opportunity of catching the Big Daddy Lautner & son family work-out session!

Speaking of working out- you did it! I’m so proud. I mean, you’re looking out for your health! What was it that finally got you to the bench press? Did you come across a couple good deals in the coupon clipper for the Olive Garden and end up stopping by last night to sample a pasta, chicken, beef and seafood dish all by yourself? Was it the guilt from the 14,000 calories consumed? Did you wake up one day and realize that if you leave this earth before your time, little Taylor will truly be all alone? You’ve finally accepted that while his child stardom (and plane weight restrictions) allowed you to leave your job as a pilot, it’s caused Taylor to live his life with his dad as his only friend?

So how did the first time go? It was probably pretty tough huh? It’s a little different actually doing the exercises than just standing on the sideline shouting encouragement to Taylor with your hand in a bag of cheetos. Did you sweat Alfredo sauce? I can imagine Taylor worked you pretty hard. You’re probably not ready to jump into his eating an working out schedule (Rob Pattinson couldn’t even handle it), so Moon & I put our heads together to craft a work out plan just for you:

Hello? Is this Ruth's Chris Steakhouse? Do you have any after-workout specials?

Big Daddy Lautner’s Customized Work-out Plan

Pump you up Music Playlist:

  • The Rocky Theme Song
  • James Brown: I feel good
  • Sir Mix-a-Lot: I like Big Butts
  • Michael Jackson: Don’t stop till you get enough
  • Justin Bieber: Baby

Lifting:

  • Lift your spoon from your minestrone soup to your mouth for 15 reps (or until the bowl is empty)
  • Lift your cell phone to your face 10 times and call 10 different Olive Gardens for dinner reservations. Rest. Call 9 of them back and cancel. (You worked hard. You can go get dinner at at least one of them!)
  • Remove one of Taylor’s 8 pairs of sunglasses from his head, shirt, dashboard, etc. Try them on. Put them back. Repeat with the other 7 pairs.

Biceps

  • Crack lobster shells with bare hands
  • (BONUS!) Punch waiter if he doesn’t automatically give you another basket of buttery biscuits

Bicep Curls

  • Dip lobster in butter
  • Pick up new bib, remove old bib, put on new bib

Sit ups

  • Slouch down on couch and turn on TV. During every commercial, sit up a little bit more. Slouch back down when you show returns. Repeat until show is over
  • (BONUS for additional bicep curl) Reach for Doritos as sitting up from slouching position

Mental Focus

  • Stare at body in mirrors. Concentrate
  • Block out images of Filet-o-fish
  • Focus intensely on trying to forget all the area Olive Garden’s phone numbers within a 20 mile radius

Son- this could be you in 15 years...

Home Gym Decoration ideas

  • Big poster of Taylor, shirtless with words written on top “Like me in ’85.” Next to that a big McDonald’s sign- crossed out. Next poster- a blown up picture of you with words on top “Me in 2010.” To remember what it’s all for. Show Taylor this illustration daily. To warn him
  • Also a poster of a slutty girl in a bikini of course. Maybe photoshop Taylor Swift’s face onto Heidi Montag-Spencer’s body.

Potential Workout sponsors

  • Elastic Manufacturer’s of America
  • Casual Male (Formally “Big & Tall”)
  • Triple XXX Polo.com (not to be confused with XXX pole.com)

Big Daddy- we’re proud. We want you to be healthy. We want you to be around for MANY years to come. And not just because we fear that if you’re gone it’ll mean your son’s only friend left in the world is Thor- his flaming agent- which won’t be good for Tay’s chances of staying closeted for life. Not that I want him to live with a secret that big, I just don’t want to feel the weirdness that’s sure to come once you hear a guy you once said some inappropriate things about isn’t actually straight. No- I don’t want you healthy for just that reason. (I mean, someone has to keep In-N-Out from spreading the east coast :))

Love,
UnintendedChoice with a helpful hand from Moon

We really, truly love Big Daddy Lautner. Truly. When we say we wish we could meet him above anyone else, we’re not kidding. It would be a dream come true to eat at Olive Garden with him. I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick.

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