Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity

UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse

New Moon: The Hits and the Misses, Moon’s review part 1

The claw is in the details

Dear New Moon, LTT-ers and anyone ever in the world involved with this,

After seeing New Moon for the third time (obviously I’m not a true fan as my viewing number is not in the teens at this point) I think I can safely start to review the film with a discerning eye. I’m finally past the freak out/totally in awe/blinded by the abs stage and ready to give this a whirl and put my thoughts on virtual paper.

I think the key phrase for New Moon is: “The devil’s in the details” and Chris Weitz must have made a deal with the devil, like Rob did, because he nails it. From the very first shot of Bella waking up next to the tattered copy of Romeo and Juliet with the cover that looks an awful lot like Voltera, I knew we were in for a great ride courtesy of someone who “got it.”

While on the whole I think New Moon is light years ahead of Twilight in terms of the overall product and as my brother (in the industry and knows a thing or two) says Twilight looks like “student film” where they cut a lot of corners by being lazy instead of creative whereas New Moon is actually a total product with a vision and a pay off. New Moon is definitely not without it’s faults, and you know us here at LTT we love a good fumble (Buttcrack Santa, Spider Monkey?) so…

Let’s examine some of the hits and misses of New Moon the movie…

This scene kills me EVERY time

Hit
Jacob/Taylor Lautner
This guy actually showed up and ACTED! He had emotions, they were complex and interesting. He emoted with his face and body and didn’t rely solely on blinking, stuttering or squinting to show how much pain you’re feeling to even be near your “la tua cantante.” Did I really just use that phrase? Apparently so. Just imagine it said in Aro/Micheal Sheen’s creepo voice. Not only did he emote well he made the audience laugh. Of the three times I’ve seen it men in the audience seem to react the best to Jacob, laughing at his jokes and generally just relating. My favorite line of his? “Don’t get me upset, this will get very ugly!” Bra-freakin-vo Taylor Lautner! Big Daddy, take this kid out for a McRib but hurry they’re only back for a limited time!
c

Let's see who can run the slowest and dazzle the mostest!! AND GO!

Miss
Future Bella as a vampire/Edward sequence
The slow-mo running, the khaki Anne of Avonlea outfits, the SLOW MOTION running?! Cheese with a capitol C. I get the reason behind the slow-mo which is better than Cathi’s half assed special effects way of making them run super fast but all 3 times I’ve seen it (yes, including opening night) people laughed.

More hits and misses more biker gangs more LSD trips more awesomeness after the cut!

(Un)Motivated by Twilight Round 2

Dear everyone who is so freakin’ glad it’s Friday,

I had an EPIC post planned for today. Seriously. You would have laughed till you cried, cried till you laughed and when you finally caught your breath, you would’ve told everyone you know that “UnintendedChoice is my hero- I wanna be like her when I grow up.” Yes. It was that good. But alas, yesterday (the day on which I planned to pen this EPIC post) I woke up with cramps, everything made me cry because of those cramps so I would run to the bathroom at work to have some alone time with my tears. And then in the middle of watching myself sob in the mirror, I’d start to laugh. Because I saw 2 colorful strings hanging outside of pants and trailing behind me. Yes. They were the decorative strings from the bathing suit bottoms I was wearing as underwear and walked around with hanging outside of my jeans for 1/2 the day. And after my laughter, I started to cry again because knowing I was wearing my bathing suit as underwear meant I had to spend my entire weekend doing 6 weeks worth of laundry.

Yeah, my week was like that over and over every day. So I knew the EPIC post would have to wait. So what do I talk about? Should I mention the hilarious tidbit of news 1,000 people emailed us about Buttcrack Santa? Nah. I’ll make you wait for that. How bout I swoon over Jashley’s new photoshoot where they’re kissing? Hmm. I’m gonna keep that for myself.  Did Kristen say anything recently to offend the lesbian community? Probably but… I need to laugh. You need to laugh. So I reached into my treasure chest and was motivated to post a second-round of Motivational Posters because they are just what this Friday needs!

New Moon expectations

Deepest Loss- THIS is why I can't wait for this film

Dear young teachable ones,

Do you remember your first time? You had already fallen in love. You had already been through a lot together, and then the unexpected happens. And your heart is ripped out and you don’t want to go on. You want to close your eyes and fall into a deep sleep- someone waking you when the pain has passed. New Moon is like that for everyone. I know we can each name a friend or two who has thrown the book across the room and refused to continue to read. If you were one of those people who got your entire group of friends to read the book, you know this especially well. Friends loved you after Twilight and wondered why you kept that book from them for so long. And then by the time they got to New Moon, they replaced their gratefulness with anger. But that, too, passes. And eventually you and your friends read New Moon again and appreciate all the things about the book that you missed the first time (like chapters 3-17).

New Moon is such a powerful book filled with that emotion of deepest loss that so many can relate to. This is why I cannot wait for the movie. Plus it has Rob. And the wolfpack. Shirtless. Plus Rob shirtless. And Taylor. And Rob. And was directed by Chris Weitz, DILF of the year. Plus Alice is dressed better. And Jasper has that awful wig that will provide countless jokes for months to come. And Rob. Shirtless. All those things plus an awesome story? All that to say, I cannot wait.

Fine, I also can't wait for the Jort-pack

But I have to be honest. I’m concerned that in the upcoming weeks as the press starts to have private viewings and then when we see the film on November 20th, some of us are going to be disappointed. There has been so much hype surrounding this movie that it’s been built up in our minds to be so far and beyond what Twilight was. That’s not a hard feat because, as we’ve said before, Twilight blew, but I think the bar has been set SO HIGH for New Moon that if anything is off slightly from what is expected, fans are going to come after Chris Weitz by the hundreds. I know Moon said he carries that man-bag around with him, but I don’t know if he can load it with enough rocks to ward off a mob of angry, cock-blocked Twihards. But despite this, despite if it flops at the box office (right…) and if it gets reviews worse than “From Justin to Kelly,” I think I’ll still love it. I think we can ALL still love it. And I think it’s all about managing our expectations.

Let’s not go into New Moon on opening night thinking it’s going to be like Schindler’s List. If we accept that it will more likely mirror Bring it On Again, it might be easier to love if it’s a major dud. Accept it NOW. They will NOT cover EVERY detail in the book. They have 200 minutes to bring a 25 chapter book to life. Plus they have to backtrack and include some details Twilight left out (Cathy Hardi is sipping her Ultimate Pina Colada at TGIFridays saying “suckaassss” right now) They will leave out details you feel are important and they will add details IN that you think are stupid. ACCEPT it now!

Okay, THIS might also be a reason why I can't wait for this film

There will be things that will be cheesy. It’s CGI and WOLVES. Big, non-existent computerized wolves. They will not look real. Cuz wolves like that don’t really exist. Accept IT now! Rob will occasionally sound British. He can’t help it. He’s British. Accept it! Kristen will stutter & blink. She learned that in when she was 13 and in Panic Room when the director yelled “Look scared” and she said “How?” and he responded “Stutter & blink!” Colors will be different. The order of events will be different. Characters will be different. Characters will be ADDED (Please God let there be a New Moon equivalent of Buttcrack Santa (Tequila Tomas is a viable option)) ACCEPT it NOW! You WILL be cock-blocked like in the book. Edward and Bella don’t get it on. Rob won’t be getting naked. There will be fight scenes to “bring in a male audience” that weren’t present in the book. Someone will wear their New Moon burger king crown to the movie theater blocking your view, and little girls will be in the theater with their “Team Jacob” t-shirts and you will judge their mothers for allowing them to come despite their age. ACCEPT IT NOW.

New Moon is a book that plays out differently in each of our minds. And it’s being brought to the big screen from the minds of just a handful of people. We are different. They are different. They visualize things we never would and don’t visualize things we do (Rob naked). If we focus on what WE want then we WILL be disappointed. Let’s just remember it’s a book we love and we get to see it play out BEFORE our very eyes! And Rob will make us swoon. Does anything else really matter?

Love your friendly neighborhood expectation manager,
UnintendedChoice

Seriously, I went into Twilight having ZERRROOOO expectations. I actually expected it to suck. And I came out loving it, even though it blew. I want that to happen so badly with New Moon!

What expectations do you need to get rid of in order to fully enjoy New Moon?

Moon has a theory on LTR
Talk it out further on The Forum
Deepest Loss painting from one of my fav artists, Adrienne Trafford

Chris Hansen: Protector of underage wolves & this girl’s worst enemy

I was browsing our mailbox looking for something amazing to share with you today, and I came across two honest letters from this reader, who loves all the wolves, whether Chris Hansen likes it or not:

I'll detour you right into a wall.....

Dear Twilight (in all shapes and forms),

I’m that kind of girl…you know who I’m talking about- the girl who wants to be a hip early 20something, foreign-films-with-subtitles watching and epic poetry-reciting- type. Instead I’ve become the girl who takes a detour during work just so I can get a glimpse of the new “New Moon” cover with the smoldering Taylor on it, covers my face when I ask for a magazine with anything Twilight related and gets ignored when I send pics of Boo Boo Stewart to my friends, nonchalantly hoping for a fangirl reaction. In other words…my name is IllegalWolfLover and I’m a Twilosexual.

The only people who knew of my problem before this letter were my fiance (who is slowly morphing into a unicorn) and my cat (who perfectly embodies both Edward and Jacob with smoldering stares and excessive body heat). I haven’t even told my parents, and I have a feeling they’d feel better if I was admitting to being a fake-lesbian rather than this thing I’ve become.

I can understand why someone would want to wear this...

I want to wear a Twilight tee with pride rather than sneering at the 8 year olds who wear “Team Jacob” tees just because their moms can’t. I want to be able to talk about the wonder of Edward and Jacob and the steamy goodness of “Team Switzerland” without having a million people roll their eyes at me. And finally, I want to make peace with myself for not going to the midnight screening just because I don’t want fangirls screaming and disturbing my viewing pleasure. I wanna be outed, but no one (sniff) no one cares….Tell me, you “loud and proud” amazing Twilighters, what is a girl to do?

I have resorted to pulling an “Eddie” and driving around fan-sites (in my mustard yellow ford transit) and perving, but now I have decided…I’m putting the candy out there and hopefully I will lure in a friend….we can hold hands and tell my parents….together….

Thanks for listening,
A lonely Jort in Jacob’s closet,

IllegalWolfLover

Dear “Jacob’s Transformation” clip,

We need to talk…*pats seat beside her*. I know you dread those four words more than Big Daddy dreads dropping his last filet-o-fish on the street, but I need to tell you something…I think I should start seeing other clips. No please don’t cry, you know I hate it when you do that…let me explain…ever since we first met a few days ago….I’ve been having these feelings. Like I’m obsessed with you. Remember the night I first saw you? I couldn’t stop looking at you…I even played you in bed while my fiance was nearby. You really made my kitty meow that night.It was dangerous and exciting and it felt oh so right, but it has to end….

I have no life because of you. I’m not “down with the kids” anymore, and I wanna be able to accomplish things without knowing that watching your 1 minute of hot and dirty goodness will be my reward. But you know how to keep me coming back for more don’t you? You keep teasing me with little things I didn’t notice before like how hot Paulex is (even when he sprays a little in his anger) or how Taycob stumbles just a liiiitle bit during his run, or Sam’s Alpha voice.

But worst of all, you’re making me fall in love with you, and believe me, I’m not that kind of girl….you even made me impatient to get to you…before I knew it I was shooing away Taylor’s face (gasp!) just to get to you and that’s when I realized….you’ve gone too far. So I’m deleting you…forever. It will be as if you never existed…..

I.Love.You.
IllegalWolflover

PS: Spoilers– Don’t watch if you don’t want to (PS: we saw this BEFORE Moon’s post yesterday)

Give IllegalWolfLover some much needed Twilight friends!
And hang out on The Forum
It’s Saturday- with Rob & Moon on LTR

Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?

Me: Shut up

Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?

Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…

Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles

Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it

Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward

Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?

Me: Who’s gay now?

And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

Dear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

• Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
• Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
• Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee– we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest!

Twilight cast member endorsements!

Dear Twilight Stars-

I’ve been thinking about you lately (shocking, I know) and I’ve thought about some ways you can parlay this popularity into cash money in your pockets! You’re seen daily with a variety of products and all without an endorsement deal! And it struck me, you guys need to be spokeswhores for your favorite products! Talk about making a little mad money on the side and all for doing what you normally do!

I’m sure you’re skeptical of attaching your name and likeness to any product so I’ve drafted up a couple proofs to show you the possibilities!

Now Wolves, you guys are a little less known that the main characters currently but together as a group you have more star power, so when I saw these pics…

Hot men in UGG-ly boots!

I knew you’d be the perfect spokesmen for UGG boots! Over the last few years the boots have gone from must have to must only wear at home but with you guys sporting them you can boost the demand for not only the women’s line but the mens! And you’re already doing it, all you have to do is walk around on set, flash a little chest, look whimsical and presto, instant spokeswhores!

I vant yo suck yo blood

I just saw these pictures of you in dracula/goth/vampire shiz for some MTV show and thought, wow you would be the perfect spokeswhore for America’s favorite psuedo parent scaring (except Moon Mom) store in the mall.  Goth kids everywhere would weep black smudged tears of relief to see someone who really “gets it.” Cure and Joy Division albums not included.

Follow the cut to see more Twilight spokesperson opportunities

Ask and ye shall receive! Answered Twilight Prayers

Dear Twilight,

We spend most of our time complaining about things related to you and praying that something will change and not enough talking about when things go right! Cause that happens about .5% of the time, but I digress. So I’d like to showcase some of our answered prayers!

Remember just the other day when I wrote a letter within a letter asking for an official Wolfpack Jorts picture?! Well ask and ye shall receive because not a day later we were graced with this…

Coming to a Gap near you!

Hallelujah! Someone up there (Summit) is reading LTT and watching out for me. Just look at those jorts, the beauty, the magesty! Though, to be honest, I was praying for a more shirtless JortsPack picture a less a ripped muscle tee picture that accentuates their manboobs. Their moobs, if you will. But for now I’ll print it out and add to my shrine of the Jortspack.

Follow the cut to see the rest of my answered Twilight prayers

Wolfpack Appreciation – Jorts Club!

Dear Wolfpack,

Looks like Sunday might be our unofficial Appreciation Day here at LTT! Since last week I have been thinking about who we should feature next and it struck me that we don’t talk about you guys enough! I mean sure, we talk about Taylor but he’s in the trinity, that doesn’t count! And mostly this is just an excuse for us to post gratuitous amounts of shirtless pictures of healthy looking boys with all their OWN hair and feature one of your lovely ladies! And also, the Wolf just happened to be my high school mascot, so I hold a special place in my heart for Los Lobos and take any chance I can to yell crap like “Wolfpack Pride!” and hold up the wolf hand signal which also just happens to be the Sundevil sign. So if you see me doing this while watching New Moon, you’ll know why.  Ok, enough Arizona nerdery.

So here we go again with another Appreciation Day, Wolfpack style. All the stuff I appreciate…

Either a diabetic or wears a kickin' dad phone on his belt

BooBoo- Freakin cutie Seth Clearwater. You’re the newest addition to this gang of good hoodlums and if I’m honest the first pics I saw of you with the long hair, I was super underwhelmed but as with all other casting choices I should just learn to trust those casting folks because after that haircut you transformed into Seth! You’re not exactly what I pictured when I read Seth’s character in the book originally but just like Taylor before you, you ARE Seth now. And this is all based on a couple pictures! I can’t wait to see you actually on screen!

Weapon of mass hottness!

Alex – Model with a message. Always looks like a model even while wearing my favorite Native American tshirt and proving that wolves don’t need protection from the elements like rain in Vancouver.

Follow the cut to appreciate the rest of the pack!

All the Twilight news that’s fit to print – Unicorns and lots of BooBoo’s

Xavier: I thought I was supposed to be deaf? Ash: Trust me, that excuse only works once!

Dear LTT-ers,

There comes a time every few weeks or so that we have to do a news dump because there’s simply too much news and not enough letters in the day. So here’s all the news we think you should know about but couldn’t cover.

Extra, Extra, Read all about it!
Themoonisdown

• Our BFF Ashley Greene gets a Twitter and proceeds to lull us to sleep with tweets of her sleeping habits and stories of buying dog food. There’s something to be said about keeping the mystery, isn’t there? Love you BFF!

• Dude, Xavier did you forget what I told you to say if Jackson invited you to a 100 Monkeys show!? Did he not think you were deaf or sick with food poisoning? In other news, HIGH FIVE for going with Ashley, maybe you’ll be the lucky SOB to finally figure out she’s a hot piece, while the rest of that numbnuts cast wonders why they don’t have a girlfriend, or why theirs smells of grease.

• Both Melissa Rosenberg and Justin Chon dish that Eclipse will be a much “darker” film. No really? This is the book in that saga that contains the story of Jasper’s shady past, killing innumerable people, the turning and training of a newborn vampire army, the rape of Rosalie at the hands of her fiance, and fight training all culminating in arguably the saga’s most satisfying moment of conflict: the battle. So “dark,” you say? NO DUH!

Jacob hungry! Me want filet-o-fish!

• New Moon Action figures go on sale at Hot Topic. Is it just us or does Jacob look a little “special” in the face?

• Little Jacky is photographed with a boo-boo (not the kid playing Seth) Tuesday. No one knows whether it was his hand, his head or that terrible wig that was injured. I’m hoping he broke his hand after punching out the wig department after he saw his reflection in the mirror. Jackson Rathbone-r: kicking ass and NOT taking names!

• Little BooBoo Stewart gets his first tattoo! Awww, they grow up so fast, don’t they? How friggin cute is this kid?!

Follow the cut for more news, shirtless Kellan and Jackson the Unicorn!