Breaking Down the Eclipse Trailer – It’s the Circle of Life and a Rave all wrapped up in a wig

Dear UC,

Yes, I’m writing you about the Eclipse trailer that premiered on Oprah on Friday. Since you’re outta the country without a lifeline internet connection, I am by myself! Who am I supposed to talk to about the trailer? I feel like I’m all alone! Ok, maybe not we have a billion friends and blog readers, but still it’s just not the same! I feel like I’m cheating. I keep looking over my shoulder because I think you’re gonna walk in and catch me breaking it down with someone else. Well, I did and it was goooood. It wasn’t you and me but it was gooooood. And so is the trailer. There’s lots to discuss. The ring, The Riley, The Circle of Life… LET’S DO THIS!!!!

Moon: Brookie, we need to break down this trailer PRONTO! UC has gone south of the border, Calli is drunker than Cathi Hardwicke at TGIFriday’s all you can drink Cinco De Mayo celebration and The Font won’t answer my calls. It’s just you and me girl. You, me and some questionable hairlines.

Brooke: lemme watch again I love how the trailer starts off with Bella wearing a hoodie like it isn’t already the 800 pound gorilla in the room let’s hide the hideous wig under a hoodie. NO ONE will notice
Moon
: HAHAHAHAAH exactly its so obvious they tightened the shot to keep her hairline out of like 3/4ths of the shots in the trailer. COME ON!

Brooke: I also don’t get who in the make up department has it out for rob

Dude, tell me before she shows up... do I look like Caspar?

Brooke: he’s a funking gorgeous guy and yet he looks closer to Ronald McDonald than Edward Cullen
Moon
: some poor girl who thought he turned her down during the filming of twilight and it just turns out he was so embarrassed he was mumbling
Brooke: hahaha, he probably proposed and she took it seriously she probably breaks make up brushes every time she has to do K’s makeup
Moon: Wouldn’t you?

Follow the cut to feast on some Riley, talk about Ronald McDonald and Raves
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Moons friend is a Twilight comment whore, but not the way you think

*When my friend told me he skims our posts but reads our comments religiously every day I knew he had to write a letter to you all. And after much (read: me asking) convincing he has written a little love letter to you all so without further adieu I present to you my friend and fellow “Little People, Big World” lover…*

I'm pretty sure he would never be caught dead in this shirt

Dear Twi-Hards,

Let me write a quick introduction: I’m a dude. I’m straight. If my brothers knew that I was writing an entry for a blog called Letters to Twilight, they would kick my ass, assuming they know what Twilight is.

I’ve read the first book, and get the general gist of the rest of the series (girl meets vampire, falls for him, vampire leaves for some reason, nice guy werewolf tries to pick of the pieces, something about a Vampire Senate, vampire C-section, werewolf trying to fuck a baby, ecetera ecetera).

And let me be very clear about this: my involvement with the Twilight series began as something entirely mercenary. I had an outside shot at working for someone involved with the Twilight franchise (Twi-chise? Twi-fran? Team Franchise?) so that’s why I read the book and watched the first flick (in the theaters, no less!).

Now, I don’t like Twilight. At it’s best, it reads like well-crafted Buffy fan-fiction, and at it’s worst, it reads like an abstinent goth teenager ate a bad piece of soy-based pizza and watched that Ann Rice vampire movie with Brad Pitt.

The main character is bland, and has no redeeming qualities other than smelling nice or something. And she’s pretty? It’s saying a lot that I can’t remember anything about her other than those two facts.

Edward is basically a really good-looking vampire version of that guy that used to give you a lot of mixtapes, even after he told you that he just wanted to be friends. If Bella had any sense, she’d just make Edward do her homework and help her pick outfits for the shooting guard of Fork’s basketball team. Maybe one time she could get really drunk and let him feel her up, but then she’d have to hear about how it was the greatest night of his life for the next year and a half.

Jacob is a puppy dog (GET IT?!) sort of doofy dude who would probably end up being really cool in college and then marrying someone who’s probably too good-looking for him, but he’d be too dumb to be self conscious about it. I actually kind of like the guy, which makes the part at the end about him wanting to bang an infant all the more terrible.

Oh the power of the comments... just a click away from infamy or stupidity

But, all this being said, I am fucking addicted to reading this blog. Like, to the point of absurdity. It’s the first thing I read at work, which I’m sure would be enough to allow me to be castrated in Uganda (topical joke!).

BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART! The worst part is that every work day, about a half hour it’s quitting time, I refresh the blog entry and start on the comments.

Oh, the comments. That’s what keeps me coming back, ladies. You have no idea. I start, and I go until my little heart can’t take any more. They’re like my own personal version of low-grade methamphetamine’s, except that they’re distributed by WordPress and not biker gangs.

Follow the cut to read the rest of his crazy fascination with your lovely commenters!
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News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump
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Monday Funnies: Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight

Dear people sitting at work hungry for things to distract them from the fact that it’s Monday and you’re sitting at work,

With a new Twilight saga movie, we’re treated with TONS of things we can feature for Monday Funnies.  Get ready for this one. Put down your coffee cup. Go run and pee. Then go pee again and practice your quiet office giggle because this one is gonna have you rolling.  Thanks to @nwalmn on Twitter for sending this our way. And to the blogger, The Bloggess, who is bringing us today’s Monday Funnies:

Inappropriate thoughts that haunt me about Twilight:

1. Why the hell am I reading the Twilight series?

2. The Twilight vampires are so strong that they can inadvertently knock someone’s head off if they aren’t paying attention because humans are as softer than butter compared them. So wouldn’t having sex with Bella be like f*cking a wishing well?

3. No, really. Why am I reading these? I’m 35, for God’s sake. This is more embarrassing than that summer I had all those weird sex dreams about Dumbledore.

4. Wait, I mean Snape. Not Dumbledore. No one has sex dreams about Dumbledore. That would be disgusting.

5. Okay, fine. It was a three-way with Snape and Dumbledore. Ron Weasley was watching for some reason. That part was weird.

Umm Brilliant so far? Yes. Read the rest after the jump! Continue reading

Wednesday LTT Twivia

Dear LTTers who need a refresher,

Tonight after I rocked the mic with Bon Jovi at our first ever LTT karaoke party in Los Angeles, some of the gals decided to do a little “Twivia” aka: Twilight Trivia. The loser had to down a really gross shot. I knew NONE of the answers. I was ashamed. And also kinda tipsy, so I blamed it on the Goose. But it got me thinking that maybe it was time for a refresher.  New Moon is coming out in less than 48 hours (YAY!) and SOME of us are re-reading it, but maybe it would be good to go over some of the most common questions that people have about the Twilight Saga- specifically about Breaking Dawn and all the love-making in front of a fire on a bear skin rug that apparently goes on.

I consulted my favorite source for quality questions and answers, Wikianswers and just know that the following information will be of great value for your life.

(Note: These are actual questions I found followed by actual answers by WikiAnswers users. MY response is in purple below the real answer)

BreakinDawnFamily

Breaking Dawn might not come out because this is creepy as f*ck


Q
Why might breaking dawn not come out?

A:  Well on YouTube, it shows trailers of Breaking Dawn. Even pictures of the Reneesme'(s) playing Reneesme; so I’m pretty sure they are making Breaking Dawn in to a movie. I’ve seen the trailer’s for Breaking Dawn, and they totally relate to the book. The actors work on all the movies together, to get it done faster and to make more money, So they could be making Breaking Dawn right now.

On you tube there’s also a video of me with an Edward Cullen life-sized cut out holding hands and kissing in my bed. And that’s true- I am Edward Cullen’s real-life girlfriend, so I guess everything on you tube is rightt. So yes, Breaking Dawn must be coming out soon.

Q In Breaking Dawn do they describe the sex scene?

A: The sex scene in Breaking Dawn is described to some extent, however, Stephenie Meyer doesn’t go into very explicit details. She describes the before and the after scenes, and it does say that they had sex.But you know if bella skipped a period, that means she had sex and she’s pregnant.

Oh S*it. Is that what it means? I hear that sometimes though when you throw up to stay skinny you can skip a period. Maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten mine the past few months. What about this growing bump around my tummy though? Does Stephenie explain what that is? And I also hear that if you ride horses a lot when you’re younger you can lose your virginity. Is this true?

Q What is the name of Carlisle Cullen’s father?

A: Never told – But rumored to be Ptolemy, Which mean’s to Hunt, war, war like, and aggressive.

Wow- Twi-dork of the day award. Also, I agree. Ptolemy was a really popular name in London in the 1640s. Wasn’t it King Edward IV, then King George, King Charles then King Ptolemy?

Read more after the jump! Continue reading

The IMportant questions about Twilight

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

We recent shared some of the letters we receive from LTT/LTR readers, and they’re pretty crazy. I can’t even begin to imagine what the letters you receive are like. Okay, maybe I can. For example, we received THIS letter from “skipped elementary school grammar class in NY” that was addressed to YOU the other day. (here are a few excerpts)

You see I feel kind of cheated where Jacob BLack’s roll is concern.  I no this makes no sense to you. In Breaking Dawn you did write that Jacob and Renesmee was imprinted on each other. But then you add Nahual to the mix. I so cherish the moment you wrote that Jacob imprinted on Renesmee. Because I really, really felt his pain for his love for Bella. At the end of the book I felt kind of cheated. All your fans got to see Bella and Edward love story ending in a fairy tale ending. But I didn’t feel that way about Jacob. See Renesmee is still a little girl. So Jacob only see her as a child he loves and has to protect. WHAT ABOUT THEIR LOVE STORY. But I have mixed feeling because you add NAhual in the picture and now I think Jacob might not find his shoreline after all. Maybe he never finds his love and his holes never get filled. POOR JACOB. So please if you don’t mind do you think in the near future you would write a book on Jacob and add Leah to that too, how she too found her love or a better life.

This brings me to today’s topic: The important questions about Twilight.

Didn't you used to be sorta a dude?

Didn't you used to sorta be a dude?

1. Whatever happened to Leah? The girl who skipped grammar class in elementary school brings up a good point. What about Leah? What’s HER story? I feel as though she was really cheated as a character. She lost Sam; she turns into a smelly dog at will; she runs around with a pack of boys and can’t get mani/pedis with the girls on the weekends. Where is HER happy ending? At least turn her into a lesbian citing her abhorrence of men since Sam hurt her so badly. It would explain how she can fit in with the boys so easily. Plus she could end up with Eric Yorkie after he undergoes a sex change operation.

Not all the e-mails we get are for you, Rob or from crazy people. Larissa sent us one recently that brings us to question #2

2. Do Vampires masturbate? Larissa says:

Well I stumbled upon your website and absolutely love it…its nice to know that i am not the only twisted twilighter in the world…but my obsessive thoughts over the question ” Do vampires masturbate” seriously has me worried …i cannot get the mental image of Emmet rubbing one out and Edward indulged in his thoughts out of my head…this makes me a very sick sad person and im ok with that

You’re not sick, Larissa. You’re normal. Let’s say it all together people: “That’s Normal.” I asked around to my peeps to see what they thought. I heard a chorus of resounding “Yes of COURSE he masturbates.” And I have to agree. If he’s able to get it up an’ at ’em enough to produce a child/half-puppy/half-leech, he’s definitely jerkin’ the gherkin from time to time. And this brings up the very important question, Stephenie: who did he think of before Bella came into his life? Does the Vampire world have their own porn scene & he keeps a copy of Turn of the century sluts stored in his piano bench?

It's leftover mountain lion, but we'll tell her it's chicken. Capiche?

"It's leftover mountain lion, but we'll tell her it's chicken. Capiche?"

3. What is Carlisle chopping in the kitchen in Twilight the movie? Seriously. This has bothered me for almost an entire year. It has kept me up at night. I even asked the question on WikiAnswers (my favorite place for very accurate answers to questions. Did you see how spot on they are with questions about Rob?) And someone said it’s chorizo. HOW DO THEY KNOW THIS!? I thought we were friends, Steph. Or did you stop reading LTT when you saw Moon posted that guy who came on a chat with LTT girls and stripped? I told her you wouldn’t be fooled in thinking that was Rob. I wish you could tell me whether it’s chorizo or salami that Carlisle is cutting. This is very important

BobbyGee, skip the following question:

You heard right. I want THIS down THERE

You heard right. I want THIS down THERE

4. What about the body hair? You know that when Alice, Rose & Esme were changed, the times were different. It wasn’t seen as inappropriate for a woman to sport a big bush (yeah, I mean what I just said). Okay, if the woman was walking down the street, maybe that would be inappropriate, but in private, under the undergarments, bushes were a-okay. But that’s not exactly the style anymore. So what do they do? I can’t imagine trendy Alice & perfect Rosalie would let it grow all wild & crazy. If they shave or wax, doesn’t it grow back? Does it even go away when they try to get rid of it? Maybe, if they have to live with it, they just dress it up. I have a friend who goes orange for Halloween. What’s Emmett’s favorite color? Does Rose surprise him from time to time? Does Alice sport an “Army Green” in honor of Jasper? You know what would REALLY be cool? If they all got the Cullen Crest dyed down there. That’s commitment to family.

BobbyGee you may proceed:

I know you get asked a lot of questions, all the time, Steph, but these questions are really weighing on me. Does Edward stick out his tongue when around his brother and say “nah na na na nah nah” because HIS wife’s hair “down there” is hip with the times? What type of Italian meat did Carlisle get to cut in his kitchen for the first time? What pornographic magazines are out for the men in the Cullen family to enjoy when their wives are out getting their Cullen Crest’s redyed? And what about poor, poor Leah? Where’s her fairy tale ending?

Inquiring minds NEED to know,
UnintendedChoice

What other REALLY IMPORTANT, burning questions do you have about Twilight? Share them in the comments!

And check out my favorite kind of email we receive after the jump! Continue reading

Ask and ye shall receive! Answered Twilight Prayers

Dear Twilight,

We spend most of our time complaining about things related to you and praying that something will change and not enough talking about when things go right! Cause that happens about .5% of the time, but I digress. So I’d like to showcase some of our answered prayers!

Remember just the other day when I wrote a letter within a letter asking for an official Wolfpack Jorts picture?! Well ask and ye shall receive because not a day later we were graced with this…

Coming to a Gap near you!

Coming to a Gap near you!

Hallelujah! Someone up there (Summit) is reading LTT and watching out for me. Just look at those jorts, the beauty, the magesty! Though, to be honest, I was praying for a more shirtless JortsPack picture a less a ripped muscle tee picture that accentuates their manboobs. Their moobs, if you will. But for now I’ll print it out and add to my shrine of the Jortspack.

Follow the cut to see the rest of my answered Twilight prayers
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