We’ve got some winners!! And a lot of funny people!

Dear LTT readers,

It’s time to reveal the winners of our 2010 Valentine’s Day conversation hearts contest! We tasked you with creating your very own conversations hearts that were Twilight and Rob themed. There were no rules other than it needed to fit on a heart. And what you all came up with astounded us! You guys are SO funny and original and sometimes just plain wrong! We’ve poured over the Valentine’s entries for hours and hours and cast secret ballots for our favorites and we’ve finally come to a consensus! And here are the winners of the Letters to Twilight edition of the Valentine’s Day contest!

Drum roll please…

First place winner of Jeweled Ambrosia necklace

Larissa!! Your Chris Hansen heart killed us! So close on the heels of Taylor 18th birthday, Chris is already missing us!

2nd Place Winner of the Dwell Deep print!

Amy – seriously, we both died when we opened this one! Jacob’s weird trilingual-ism and then we read her file title “Indianish” and we knew this was a winner. Good job loca!

3rd Place Winner! Bite Me, Edward notepad from Lobotome

Alice – Not an Addikt If you can’t tell this memorable quote is on a TWEED conversation heart because you know, Edward was SERIOUS when he told Bella not to come in the woods.

Congrats Winners!!!!!!!!!!! Please email us you contact info so we can get you your awesome prize!

There were a ton of awesome entries and so as is our style we’re going to show you who won the secret awards aka NO awards but were so great we just had to share them. I bet you didn’t know these categories existed…

See them after the cut

The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon

Return to Monday Funnies: Bella & The Beast and some teen boy humor

Dear LTT-ers,

Since it’s most folks first Monday back from the Holidays I thought we could all use a good laugh and since there’s pretty much nothing new in the Twilight world let’s have a few laughs shall we…

Bella and the Beast – Someone mashed up Beauty and the Beast and Twilight and it pretty much kills. Too bad they didn’t make Mrs. Potts as Alice.

Way to jump on the Twi train a bit late but still… Guermo from Jimmy Kimmel Live talk show takes a turn as everyone’s favorite Vampire.
c

This totally appealed to the 13yr old boy inside me. YOUR MOM!
c

Follow the jump for more laughs

Taylor Lautner on SNL… what shall we say…

Wait, I think I see a funny skit over there...

Dear Taylor,

Now you know I love ya something fierce (most days) and think of you and Taylor Swift as my own personal Disney Prince and Princess but when the nicest thing I can say about SNL is that you really can rock a wig… that’s probably not good. Now, before I get more than my daily share of hate mail I gotta say there were a couple shining moments in your episode of SNL…

• Your opening monologue! Showing the VMA clip where you just stood there doing nothing while Kanye trampled all over your sweeties moment was all kinds of hilarious

Vodpod videos no longer available.
round house kick…

• Those pre-roll photos they show of the host before the skit. Those were HOT sauce and should be added to some museum for creepy women older than you to enjoy

Oh hey hey heeeeey!

• The wigs. How is it that you can pull off a blond wig, a floppy McDonalds arches mid 90s wig, an emo wig and a freaking crimped and braided teenage girl wig? Does it worry you any that compared to most other teenage boys you look pretty natural in  long girly hair? And most importantly does it worry you that a TV show has access to better wigs than a movie with a multi-million dollar budget has?

Nice rack!

See what else was win, what sucked and what certain red head country star made a cameo after the cut

Best New Moon review EVER! LOL cats, 3 wolf moon, it has it all!

Dear LTT-ers,

Remember how we said we were going to stop beating a dead horse by reviewing the crap out of New Moon?! Well, JUST KIDDING! Actually this is a review done entirely in LOL cats so that alone means it’s the best review ever…

A Preview…

Just wait till they get to the Volturi cats! And the Wolfpack. DIED! Enjoy the rest of the New Moon review here at Microsuede

Enjoy your Saturday!
Themoonisdown

Love LOL cats? Hate LOL cats? Do you can has cheezburger?

Thanks Katelin for sharing and to Microsuede for making us LOL!

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

And even MORE Imma contest entries!

Dear Imma contest entrants and LTT-ers,

I know what you’re thinking “Wow, UC & Moon are SO lazy. They took advantage of the “Imma enter a Twilight contest contest” entries & have now posted them THREE days in a row as an excuse for a break from blogging.” And you would be right. We did this. Because bloggers are people too. And sometimes we get busy & need a break. Plus we’re lazy.

Since there were SO many good entries and since only two special folks could win AND since  we just happened to create fake categories that just happen to fit perfectly with some of the entries we’ve created fake prizes to show you just how much we love you. Cause we care. Sometimes.

Time for the funny…

Best entry featuring an American more popular in Germany than his home country

Kendall – You win the complete series of Baywatch on DVD and a private performance of “Hooked on a Feeling” by the Hoff himself! Lucky.

Best entry featuring an infomercial host who’s now in jail

JodieO – you win a free palm reading session with Jackson. He may not really be able to read palms but he definitely see’s a 100 Monkeys concert in your future

Follow the cut to see more entries!

Imma give you a Cullen smile this weekend!

Dear LTT-ers and Imma Contest Participants-

Yesterday we presented you with the winners of the Imma Contest and promised that all weekend we’d be bringing you the rest of the best from the entries we received. Since there were SO many good entries and since only two special folks could win AND since  we just happened to create fake categories that just happen to fit perfectly with some of the entries and since (this is a lot of since’s)  we don’t have real prizes for all these lovely ladies, we’ve created fake ones to celebrate your amazing-ness. Cause that’s what we do here.

So here we go…

Best entry sucking up to the judges

Team Seth you win one day in fake lesbianship with us. A threesome, if you will. Rob is gonna be jealous. So is Stephenie.

Best entry featuring a dead artist from Sun Records – It’s a TIE!!!

Alice and Bella from Not an Addikt – You win a tube of ointment for that burning ring of yours. Ouch.

AND

@Chelseaheptig you win a lifetime’s supply of Dippity Doo hair gel and a peanut butter banana sandwich made by Edward Cullen himself

Follow the cut to see more Imma entries!

Monday Funnies, riffing on Twilight

Dear Twilight Movie,

You are so ridiculous sometimes you make the jokes too easy. Even for old dudes who know nothing about Twilight. So when I found this videos I knew we had to share them for Monday Funnies. This is some old dude sings his interpretation of Bella’s Lullaby, written by Edward. It may be back to work time but you don’t have to frown… just hum this whenever you boss asks you to stay late this week

“I want to chomp into you throaaaat… and watch you bleed out on the floor” Yup, I have definitely had that exact sentiment about several past bosses. Now all together!

And now the old guys say all the stuff we’ve been saying for months about the movie, only they voice it over the movie and it’s way more guy-ish. Highlights?
“That looks from the guy-you-alert-the-flight-attendent-about collection”
“Can’t socialize, obsessed with crappy book series!”

Seriously Twilight, the movie you make it too easy sometimes! I really can’t wait (no really?) for November, not only to see New Moon but because we’ll have some new material! Thank God!!

“Sit down have some plaid!”
Themoonisdown

So did you sing this to your boss this morning while through darts in your boss dartboard?

Seriously you CANNOT miss Letters to Rob today. UC’s hubby has a treat for all of us!!
Riff on Twilight in the forum
You have till Wednesday to enter the Imma Contest! Have you entered yet?

No more Jizz in the world or the Twilight fandom, we beg of you!

It's perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me but we're gonna need a clean up on aisle three

Dear LTT-ers, euphemism lovers and 16 yr old boys,

Can we all agree to call a moratorium on the word “jizz?” Sure, it was funny when Andy Samberg and Lonely Island sang the song “Jizz in my Pants” and even funnier when some enterprising soul put the song to the biology class scene In Twilight, cause who didn’t think Edward had had a little downstairs bonanza when they first saw it? But we’ve officially reached the cut off point. I was alerted yesterday by the “Jizz Tracker 7000” (official name for a fake tracker) that the word Jizz has officially become over used and not to mention just plain gross.

Since the song came out last winter I think I’ve heard the term used in every way possible, as a noun “What the jizz?” as a verb: “I just jizzed all over the place!” as an adjective: “He is so jizzingly hot!” and ya know what? We can’t deal anymore. We’re all smart gals (and dudes) around here I know you have other vocab words. I’d even wholeheartedly agree to the usage of words like “chagrin,” “irrevecable,” and “glower” instead!

So in the interest of our sanity and gag reflex (that’s what she said) can we stop using the term altogether and instead think of a term that equates extreme excitement without the bodily fluids?

I totes just sqee-ed in my pants,
Themoonisdown

And one last time for ol time’s sake! Take it away Lonely Island…

So are we the only ones SO over this word? Are there any more we can add to the list?

What shakin’ with Rob today?
Invent a new excited word in the forum!
We TWEET with excitement!

AmandDUH’s at it again – Decode!!

Dear LTT-ers, train wreck lovers and video enthusiasts,

Our dear dear Twimom video vixen AmanDUh is at it again! And yes she’s gone back to covering songs and wouldn’t you know this time it’s Decode by Paramore. I about jumped out of my chair when I got the notification she had updated and she doesn’t let us down!

Looks like AmanDUH’s invested in a make up artist for this video. Yup she got eyeliner and what I can only assume is a  tear drop “tattoo” on her cheek. Now where I’m from that means something quite different that being sad. Thats just straight gangsta! Did she get in a prison gang fight at the ladies penitentury and kill one of her homies? DAAAYUM Amanduh’s hardcore! I better watch my back, she’s libel to cuttabitch. But really, I’m just glad she brought back “special” Edward for this video, I was beginning to miss him and his hairline.

Enjoy! And uh don’t turn up the volume too loud she hits a few notes that only dogs will be able to hear.

How did we get herAH?
Themoonisdown

-UC dazzles us with some Rob goodness over at Letters to Rob
– create your own video and post it at the forum so we can all laugh!