Eclipse – The Choice is pretty simple… maybe

Vanilla or Chocolate, PC vs Mac - It all begins with a choice!

Dear Eclipse Poster Designer and Marketers,

I have to commend on the new Eclipse poster… the darker colors, the NSYNC circa ’01 denim jacket (read this if you love NSYNC), Edward’s creepy dead-eye stare, Bella’s cocked eyebrow (kiss me!), and then I looked down and saw your tag line:

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

And I thought WTF? A choice? She will never choose Jacob, we know that, otherwise Bella would have told Edward to go ef himself when he came back to Forks and would have made out with Jacob in that little garage, instead of drinking warm soda while she fixated on his rippling muscles. So THAT can’t be the choice, it’s gotta be something else, right? But what? So I came up with a list of the only plausible things she could be choosing from…

“It All Begins… With a Choice”

• V-Neck vs Crew Neck – A peek of Edwards chest hair vs highlighting Jacob’s man boobs?

• Pancake makeup vs Bronzer – Deathly pallor of the undead or the deep tan of spending summers at the La Push beach

• Harry’s Famous Fish Fry vs Spaghetti – What will Bella make for Charlie’s dinner? Some of that famous fish fry and be forced to listen to another story about “the big one that got away” or the same dinner she always makes Charlie: Spaghetti.

• To let Alice pick your clothes or wear the khaki skirt/blue shirt again – Does anyone want to chance the wrath of the fashion obsessed Alice? And really what is so great about the darn blue shirt paired with the floor length Amish skirt? Why Bella resists, I’ll never know.

what about these…

• Paper vs Plastic – Neither you earth haters, get your reusable bag on, people!

Ain't no lie baby, Bye Bye Bye!

• NSYNC vs Backstreet Boys – If you say anything besides NSYNC I don’t know you

• Jonas Brothers vs Hanson Brothers – Which brothers do it for you? Short, brunette- Jew-fro-d-Christian-purity-ring-wearing-brothers or blond-girly-haired-Christian brothers-from-Oklahoma?

• Dwight Schrute vs Andy Bernard – How could Angela choose between the Assistant to the Region Manager of Dunder Mifflin or the man who sings “Take a chance on me” barbershop style on speakerphone?

Follow the cut to see what other choices they could possibly mean

LTT, a love letter – Where you’re free to be a freak

Wait, you liked this guy more than the guy who played Cedric Diggory when you were 13?!

Dear LTT

I love you…in a non-creepy stalker way of course.

You see before I found you I was almost positive that I was a little insane….in fact, after spending an entire day watching multiple youtube interviews and trying to dissect in my head whether Robsten was alive (when, to be honest, I don’t really care) I forced myself to read a very boring psychology textbook as if it would wash the shame away. Watching the hour long vanity fair video was the breaking point and I thought that maybe the obsession was becoming a little crazy. I got that heart beating fast, palms sweating, slight hysteria thing every time a new interview was posted and I actually started squealing when a video was posted! Squealing! I never squealed before in my life, not even when I was 13 and in love with Gareth Gates… But then I found a link to your site, possibly from ‘I love boys who sparkle’ who noted that you talked a lot about Chris Weitz and Dilfs… I was intrigued.

No one can resist the power of Big Daddy

But now, I love you. Where else can I find out about big daddy Lautner, be linked to the awesome that is the ‘I’ll make love to you robsten’ video, watch highly erotic youtube videos on LTR and comfort myself with the fact that, as I live in the UK, the age of consent is 16 so I can ogle pictures of Taylor Lautner without gaining the wrath of Chris Hansen.

So now, when I slip and reveal the crazy to one of my non-twilight friends, and they look at me in that slightly mocking-slightly concerned way, I just smile and chant ‘that’s normal’ in my head. I’m sure that makes me look more crazy but hey, what can you do? J

Let your freak flag fly!

And the biggest thing LTT has taught me? If you’re going to be a freak, be a freak within a group of freaks, that way you’re perfectly normal. So, I’ve started systematically converting my friends to Twilight… And, when I think they are ready, I will show them to LTT and let them embrace the awesomeness too.

Love ya

Jem

Thank you Jem!!! So have you converted any of your friends to Twilight? Do you know which ones would be down and which wouldn’t? Did you like Gareth Gates? Who the EF is Gareth Gates?

PS Seriously go read LTR today!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Breaking it down: Eclipse Sneak peek, threesomes, S&M workouts and Chippendales

Dear Eclipse Sneak Peek,

You’re just TOO good, too full of lol’s and wtf’s for us to let you pass by without breaking it down. All 5+ minutes. Yup, we’re breaking down the Eclipse sneak peek and away we go…

Moon: ok  here it is!

UC: let’s mother effing DO THIS
Moon: Wait, DUDE the little chocolatiers promo AGAIN!i love it.ok, I’m ready
UC: DAMN RILEY IS HOT
Moon: dude im so glad they got someone on etsy to make the clacker thingy that marks in the time for a scene
UC: aww david slade- so small, gay… short..
Moon: ps same cinematopgrapher as NM just saw that. so there will be SOME sort of continuity

UC: KELLAN HAS MAN BOOBS, I stopped it ON HIS BIG ASS BOOBS that are bigger than mine
Moon: THERES SO MUCH What, where are the boobs!?
UC: Haha he stands up like 29/30 major boobage
Moon: why is kellan wearing an off the shoulder top?
UC: I HAVE THAT SHIRT
Moon: like he took his sweatshirt and cut off the neckband
UC: he was at an 80s party earlier that day
Moon: he should be jazzercising or getting “physical” with Olivia Newton John and not kicking nomad vampire ass
UC: he needs a bra
Moon: you think he does that exercise from Judy Blume novels? “i must i must i must increase my bust” at night since like vampires dont sleep and he has nothing else to do
UC: yes, and it works but not for me. He has a perfect woman. with a big bust herself and he’s jealous she’s not always there… for him to caress the chest so … he grew his own
Moon: hahaha he can feel himself up
c

wait, Victoria's after BELLA?!

Moon: i just want to hear xaviers voice again. he better have a big part in the press for this
UC: um i think he will. look at his face it’s hot
UC: okay… this is seriously beating a dead horse…poor horse…but can we once and for all get it out of our system and LAMENT over Kristen’s awful wig?
Moon: HAHAHA and bryce’s while we’re at it. I feel bad she had to do an interview wearing it
Moon: at 38 she and david slade are having the most intense staring contest. i bet she won
UC: i THINK that Taylor just found out WHY victoria is upset he’s like…. “Bella is the reason that victoria is mad. SHe basically KILLED james” he had like a lightbulb go off in this interview..
Moon: he’s like DUDE thats why??!! and he turns around to ask kristen off camera and shes like DUH, haven’t you read this crap yet? So they cut to her and Kristen’s has to explain it
UC: nope- he’s too busy with his ka-rah-tay to have actually read the books
c
Follow the cut for threesomes, Rob running on the hampster wheel and the REAL story behind Eclipse

The Twilight cast comes together for an all star Twi-telethon

Dear LTT-ers,

Tonight’s the night for the big Celebrity telethon extravaganza which Robert Pattinson will be part of. And we’re so happy and excited for him to be part of such a public show of love and support for the people of Haiti. Of course we’ll be calling in a billion times to try and catch Rob or maybe Brad Pitt and we hope you will be too. Of course this got us to thinking about how a telethon hosted by some Twilight cast and crew who were not invited to participate in the office telethon would go down… So here we are ready to crack a couple jokes and hopefully make you smile big enough to crack open your Twilight wallets to donate to the cause.

*We’re quick to say this is all in good fun that we aren’t making light of a natural disaster that’s rocked so many people, but instead want to cause a few smiles because if we couldn’t laugh than we’d be forced to tears*

*On your local Public Access station*

Cougarita's for the cause!

Catherine Hardwicke – Heeeeeeey you crazy cats welcome to our telethon live from the TGIFridays in Venice Beach, California. I’m your host, director of the best Twilight movie everrrrrr, Catherine Hardwicke, but you can call my Cat that’s what all my ex boyfriends call me and since we’re all friends now, why not?

As you know Haiti endured a devastating 7.0 earthquake last Tuesday. I don’t know where you were last Tuesday but I was hanging out on THE BED Rob and Kristin auditioned on in my groovy bungalow in Venice Beach when my latest screw Luke *waves to Luke the bartender* told me the news. I was shocked! How could we not help the good people of Haiti? But what could I do? Being the female director with the highest box office gross ever and with all my connections to the Twilight cast I just knew George Clooney would call me up instantly and ask me to be on his Hope for Haiti Now telethon. I waited and waited… but NO CALL. Can you believe that? So I thought, screw him Cat, you can do your own telethon! So here we are on your local public access station at my TGIFridays to bring you Cathy’s Happy Hour for Haiti telethon!

I’ve called all my friends and celebrity pals to join us! Rob may be part of that other snooty telethon but I’ve got the REAL star power here at Happy Hour for Haiti! Cameras, can you pan over to our bitchin’ phone bank and get a look at all these super stars who have come out for the cause!?

*camera pans to 3 cell phones at the bar manned by Micheal Arangano, Nikki Reed and Solomon Trimble*

Cathy– Guys, why don’t you introduce yourself for the audience at home…

Why am I still associated with this Twilight crap? I thought I was rid of her?

Micheal Arangano– Hey Guys, I’m Micheal Arangano I’m an actor for LA you might know me better as the younger William in Almost Famous, Jack’s (does Just Jack hands) son on Will & Grace or that hobo at your local coffee shop. But most of you will probably know me best as Oregano, Kristen Stewart’s boyfriend. And I’m here cause I owe Cathy back for putting me in her movies like Lords of Dogtown. Go Nikki…

We used to borrow each others clothes!

Nikki Reed– Um… hiiiii I’m Nikki Reed. Since I owe Catherine my whole acting career she snookered me into manning one of the phones tonight. I’d much rather be creating my own personal neon colored nike’s online or zipping around Greece on my boyfriends yacht. But I love you Haiti. Hey you… you’re up next (points to Solomon)

Alberto Vo5 hot oil model!

Solomon Trimble – HEY everyone! I’m Solomon otherwise known at THE ORIGINAL (maybe) Sam Uley but now known as Sales Associate #7 at the Portland, Oregan Home Depot. Cathy calls me up late at night from this Fridays and begs me to visit her. She called yesterday so I thought it was just another booty call, but I guess we’re here to support Haiti! Call in folks, make those donations cause I gotta be back at work in an hour.

Cathy– Awwww, aren’t they great and sexy and hot, our telephone bank folks?! Start calling in guys we need those donations!!!

*Luke the bartenders cell rings*

Cathy– Looks like we have our first donation!!! How much are they going to be giving to the people of Haiti? *looks at the telephone bank expectantly*

Luke – Sorry Cathy, that was my boss on the line he wants to know when the telethon’s gonna be over because we have a “Happy to be Divorced and back in the market” party coming in at 730.

Cathy – Oh my favorite! Anyway… to get those donations rolling in let’s welcome to the Happy Hour for Haiti telethon Alice Cullen herself, Sobe Water’s newest spokeswhore: ASHLEY GREENE!!! Come on out here chica!

Follow the cut to see how the telethon goes and to see if they raise more money than Rob’s telethon

News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump

We interupt this Kellan post…

We interrupt this Saturday morning LTT post to bring you this important Public Service Announcement (letter)

Dear Robsten,

We stopped caring months ago. But thanks for trying…

(i love how cute this little girl is!)

Rob and Kristen seen on the Isle of Wright and snapped with this super cute girl. Little paparazzo in training.

Now follow the cut to see our real Saturday post

Lets try this again: Our Twilight New Year’s Resolutions 2010

Dear whoever

Last year in our infancy we decided to make some New Year’s Resolutions for LTT and LTR and ourselves and since we love accountability almost as much as Kellan does we audited out Resolutions in July and today we’re going to evaluate how we did and then make our 2010 Resolutions!

First up how much did we fail on our 2009 Resolutions

FAIL!

1. Make a pilgrimage to Forks, WA and maybe drag along some pals to terrorize this lovely town
Verdict: FAIL – we never made it to the Olympic Peninsula and we were never named honorary members of the Quiliuete tribe.
UC/Moon: 0          People who want us to fail: 1

2. Bring you coverage and live ‘Letters’ from the red carpet premiere of New Moon
Verdict: Sorta not fail… I mean we were at the premiere and we did see the cast and we could SEE the red carpet but weren’t officially ON it. NEXT YEAR!!
UC/Moon: .5          People who want us to fail: 1.5

3. Torture your eyes and ears with as many 100 Monkeys videos as we can find/take/make
Verdict: WIN. We ruled at these sorta related to, sorta not related to musical events. Not only did we see these bands and report back with our own story times we even saw ROB at a couple of these shows.
UC/Moon: 1.5          People who want us to fail: 1.5

Fail and fail!

4. Convince Stephenie Meyers to finish Midnight Sun in a timely fashion (like by Feb. 1st or something)
Verdict: This is a HALF fail because obviously she didn’t publish it in 2009 BUT we did find out she reads LTT AND she mentioned Midnight Sun on her Oprah Interview because her Mom loves the Edward POV. So If we combine our powers (like Captain Planet) with Stephenie’s Moms maybe… just MAYBE someday (in like 20 years) we will be able to read ALL of Midnight Sun.
UC/Moon: 2          People who want us to fail: 2

See the rest of our report card and read out 2010 resolutions!

The Best of Twilight in 2009! Part 2

Dear LTT-ers and Twihards,

Yesterday, we started our Best of Twilight in 2009 list cause well, who doesn’t love those end-of-the year lists? I know I do. Were you worried we’d miss some of your best of 2009’s in the Twi-dom? Well, have no fear cause we’re back to finish out the list…

Review 10-6 in our countdown of the Best of Twilight in 2009…

10. Oscars
09. Britpack
08. HB/Vanity fair
07. Vancouver
06. Remember Me
c

Now let's really make every Twilight fan faint as if shirtless Tay wasn't enough

05. MTV Music Video Awards – May 31st 2009 will live in infamy for many reasons. Not only were we treated to the very first mini trailer for New Moon in which we got to see Jacob with his shirt off, Jacob looking hot and Jacob fursploding for the very first time then we got to see Kristen pull a Bella and drop her award on the ground but Rob and Kristen won best kiss. And oh how the fandom died a little inside when they faked us all out with their cockblock of a kiss. Of course this spiraled out of control and took the whole “are they or aren’t they”/Robsten vs Nonsten speculation to  meteoric levels. Oh and UC and Moon got the honor of live blogging the event for almost 50,000 folks with our fave blogger pals New Moon Movie, Twicrack Addict and Lauren’s Bite.
c

So I was like grrrrrrrl just wait till he takes off that cream colored sweater to reveal that sleeveless button up... HMMM MMMM

04. Stephenie Meyer mentions LTT – The day Stephenie Meyer wrote her blog recounting her summer vacation will remain one of the best days in all of LTT history and one of the best moments of 2009 (and maybe in my life). Hidden amidst stories of her summer reading list and music she was currently listening to was a short blip about websites she had recently found where she cryptically mentioned adding “LTT” to her “stalk list” and thanked us for the “laugh lines.” At that moment we knew Stephenie “got it.” She got that we loved her stories, her characters and HER but that we also loved all funny little things too. Our work and time and obsession was worth it because the author of the books we were so in love with had apparently read us AND liked us enough to mention us on her site and add us to some sort of “stalk list.” Which I can only imagine is magically stored some place between the phone number for Robert Pattinson and the finished manuscript for Midnight Sun along with the outlines for post Breaking Dawn saga additions and the Alice and Jasper backstory. *crosses fingers and adds this to my prayer request list*

What will make the top three best of Twilight 2009 list? Follow the cut to see!

The one where Cathy the Cougar gets a love letter

Moon & I bet on what New Moon would make domestically its first weekend. I guessed low hoping I’d win by default because Moon guessed too high, but she schooled me. She guessed 140.1 million and it brought in 142.8 million. Amazing. I wish she’d be right when I ask her to guess Rob’s jitterbug phone number. My punishment for losing? Love letter to the Cougar:

Got my hair cut at the SuperCuts next to the TGIFridays

Dear Cathy the Cougar,

Every time I write that- Cathy the Cougar- I think of Tony the Tiger. And me and Tony had some good times when I was growing up- well, until I realized that if I kept inhaling multiple bowls of him every day, I’d end up with hips like my Great Aunt Jane. I haven’t seen Tony in a few years….That’s pretty radical.

So I’m supposed to be writing you a love letter, but this is quite the difficult task because for the past few months we’ve called you all sorts of special names we made up just for you and said some things some would consider not so nice. We’re honest girls, though, and I’m not here to apologize for what we felt had to be said. In order to get me into the mindset of “Cathy the Cougar love,” I asked around on Twitter to see what others would say to you if they had the chance. Some would thank you for foreseeing the potential in Taylor’s abs, therefore boosting the economy in Georgia. There’s mixed feelings on the brutal slaughter of yet another one of Charlie’s friends. While on one hand we love the introduction of Buttcrack Santa into the story (for all the obvious reasons such as those little bottles, the song about kitties and the image forever imprinted in our minds of an old, creepy man’s buttcrack hanging out while driving around in one of those rape vans, wearing a santa hat), we hate that he had to be killed off. Such a lovable character gone- forever…Many twitterers were thankful you did such a lousy job with Twilight because it really makes Chris Wetiz’ work, which might otherwise be considered sub-par, really stand out as a beautiful work of art.  Most regard your casting Kristen as Bella as your biggest feat, but only because she fought for the casting of Rob Pattinson. Awesome

Wednesday LTT Twivia

Dear LTTers who need a refresher,

Tonight after I rocked the mic with Bon Jovi at our first ever LTT karaoke party in Los Angeles, some of the gals decided to do a little “Twivia” aka: Twilight Trivia. The loser had to down a really gross shot. I knew NONE of the answers. I was ashamed. And also kinda tipsy, so I blamed it on the Goose. But it got me thinking that maybe it was time for a refresher.  New Moon is coming out in less than 48 hours (YAY!) and SOME of us are re-reading it, but maybe it would be good to go over some of the most common questions that people have about the Twilight Saga- specifically about Breaking Dawn and all the love-making in front of a fire on a bear skin rug that apparently goes on.

I consulted my favorite source for quality questions and answers, Wikianswers and just know that the following information will be of great value for your life.

(Note: These are actual questions I found followed by actual answers by WikiAnswers users. MY response is in purple below the real answer)

Breaking Dawn might not come out because this is creepy as f*ck

Q Why might breaking dawn not come out?

A:  Well on YouTube, it shows trailers of Breaking Dawn. Even pictures of the Reneesme'(s) playing Reneesme; so I’m pretty sure they are making Breaking Dawn in to a movie. I’ve seen the trailer’s for Breaking Dawn, and they totally relate to the book. The actors work on all the movies together, to get it done faster and to make more money, So they could be making Breaking Dawn right now.

On you tube there’s also a video of me with an Edward Cullen life-sized cut out holding hands and kissing in my bed. And that’s true- I am Edward Cullen’s real-life girlfriend, so I guess everything on you tube is rightt. So yes, Breaking Dawn must be coming out soon.

Q In Breaking Dawn do they describe the sex scene?

A: The sex scene in Breaking Dawn is described to some extent, however, Stephenie Meyer doesn’t go into very explicit details. She describes the before and the after scenes, and it does say that they had sex.But you know if bella skipped a period, that means she had sex and she’s pregnant.

Oh S*it. Is that what it means? I hear that sometimes though when you throw up to stay skinny you can skip a period. Maybe that’s why I haven’t gotten mine the past few months. What about this growing bump around my tummy though? Does Stephenie explain what that is? And I also hear that if you ride horses a lot when you’re younger you can lose your virginity. Is this true?

Q What is the name of Carlisle Cullen’s father?

A: Never told – But rumored to be Ptolemy, Which mean’s to Hunt, war, war like, and aggressive.

Wow- Twi-dork of the day award. Also, I agree. Ptolemy was a really popular name in London in the 1640s. Wasn’t it King Edward IV, then King George, King Charles then King Ptolemy?

Read more after the jump!