A special Twilight birthday wish, for a special Twilight Girl

Dear Moon,

Happy Birthday! If you remember your birthday at all last year (If I recall you went on a pub crawl, so you may not) we celebrated your birthday on LTT with birthday greetings from the Cullens.

Well, they’re too busy this year impressing men with their ability to fight as opposed to letting us women peek in our their most intimate moments together, which is why we liked their story in the first place (no I didn’t just watch the Oprah Eclipse trailer for the first time & noooo I don’t think they’re pushing hard to capture a male audience. Why would you think that!?) so I thought I’d check in with some our favorite Twilight actors & LTT-characters for birthday wishes for you. Well, let me be clear- I have no interaction with these people… but if I did, I’m SURE this is what they’d say:

Jackson:

Moon for your birthday I promise to shower & look like my picture to the left for at least 24 hours. PLUS, I’ll even put down the guitar and come over and watch all my episodes from The OC with you. Then I’ll act out the baseball scene from Twilight. And show you what else I can do with my bat.

Rob:

I know that every time I’m photographed out and about some where in LA you lament, “UH why was he THERE? He needs ME to show him where to hang out in LA.” Well, for your birthday I’ll let you be my LA travel guide. We can start with brunch at the little cafe down the hill from your house where UC loves to get coffee (you know- the one across from the pot smoker’s coffee shop- if we wanna stop in there later, I know a girl who can score us some weed), and then we’ll hit the thrift shops that the paparazzi don’t know about, followed up by a trip to Amoeba Music to check out their record collection (Slightly obvious, but I figured you would’t HATE it if we happened to get photographed together). Then you can show me some of LA’s best, unknown beaches and after laying out in the sun Tyler & Ally style we’ll go back to your place for a little dance party- since I know you love those- but it’ll just be you and me. How does that sound? And I’d like to see your record collection so if you wanna lead me up to your bedroom and show me where you keep the music… well, then.. I wouldn’t mind lounging on your bed while you educate me with your fine music skills….and if you want to lounge on your bed also… I won’t mind. I’ll even pretend not to notice the Edward Cullen pillowcase starting up at me from the head of the bed… After the records are over I hope you don’t mind if I pick up the guitar in the corner by your closet. I wrote a little something with you in mind… I might mumble it while lounging on your bed, if that’s okay with you. It’s okay if you get emotional. It’s okay if you stare intently at me- I’ll be staring back. If you need me to hold you I’ll do that too, but I promise you… I have bigger plans in mind….I always treat my travel guides with the utmost care & respect. And after all, we both deserve a “happy ending” [Uh, is it getting hot in here? And did I just say that about a Moon/Rob fantasy?)

After the jump, find out if Moon gets her birthday wish- a Fake Lesbian story starring her, Nikki & Kristen!

Two Letters in One: Big Daddy Weeps, Kellan Tweets

WTF is this?! It's like an alternate universe!

Dear Big Daddy,

Are you sad now that Taylor’s 18 and he no longer needs you? Have you and Chris Hansen met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for all-you-can-eat hot wings night because both of your schedules are virtually empty? Did you guys cry into your pitcher of domestic beer and hold each other because if there’s no need to babysit Taylor or bust us pervs than there’s no reason to live?

I saw these pictures of Taylor today and all I could think about was how sad you must be. There’s just something missing from a Taylor airport picture when you’re not in it! Sure, he’s rocking the obligatory leather jacket and that’s nice to look at for a hot minute but then I get anxious, I want to see YOU and the dad belt cell phone, pushing the luggage cart, looking for a Pizza Hut Express, thinking about ordering the personal pan pizza AND the bread sticks. What are we going to do now!? What are YOU going to do now?

Good thing I have a lot of time on my hands (read: none, I’m writing this at 1 in the morning but I love you, so I don’t care) because I came up with some ideas for you…

No, that's not an Egg McMuffin in my carryon this time, sir

Stuff you can do with your free time:
01. Finally look into those fast food franchise opportunities! I’m sure the valley needs a Sonic or a Chick Fil A (PLEASE!) and what quiet neighborhood doesn’t need a McDonald’s on the corner of their block?

02. Finally enroll in Olive Gardens “Culinary Institute of Tuscany” so you can make that Soup, Salad and Breadsticks at home any time you want!

03. Take Taylor’s Audi out for a joy ride. Call the paps and tell them “Taylor” is going to Morton’s, show up and peel out in front of them wearing your dad Oakleys. Cruise the Disney lot for some fresh meat to take to lunch. Leave fast food trash behind the front seat for Taylor to find when he comes home.

04. Get drunk on your personal supply of Olive Garden’s house wine. Drunk dial Selena Gomez and reminisce about “the good ol days.”

OH NO, I just thought of this: this means NO Big Daddy in Vancouver for reshoots??!!!! My reason for living is OVER!

Good bye world!
Themoonisdown

Ehhhh not to so fassssttt………………………………………..

Oh hai there prepare for #charitytweets and #jesustweets and #straighttweets

Dear Kellan or should I say @KellanLutz (heh, heh!)

After a long hard day of whatever it is I do in my real life I came home to see a tweet saying your brother (who knew you had a brother, let alone who knew his twitter handle? Obvious we’re NOT REAL fans)  had tweeted a mysterious new account called “@kellanlutz” so quicker than you can say “youth group lock in” I got myself over there to check it out. I needed to know if you had finally joined the insanity… and I found this…

enlarge this to break it down

So I started dissecting that thing like no bodies business and here’s the reasons I came up with that I think this is your official twitter…

Reasons I think @kellanlutz is for realz:
01. The profile pic is of you at a Cardinals game (holla AZ!) with some dudes crotches behind you that we’ve never seen before

02. the name @kellanlutz – what weirdo faker didn’t already have this? This HAS to be official or twitter ganked it for you on your behalf

03. You’re following @younglife – jesus luver! And we KNOW how much you love some hey-zeus!

04. You used the word “indigenous” (he googled that shit)

05. You followed @ashleymgreene (his true love/beard) BEFORE @IAMannalynnemcc

06. Your first tweet references being a “light to this world” – YUP, jesus lover

07. You’re following @samantharonson – You love lesbians both real and fake and since Kristen doesn’t have a twitter you had to go with the next best option.

So without having the hallowed verified check mark or emailing your people and having them call our people, cause who has time for that? These are the reasons I KNOW it’s you. And I’m here to say, it’s alright… I know you read us and it’s ok for you to follow us. Just do it… press that “follow” button… NOW!

Your #1 Accountability Partner,
Themoonisdown

PS You might wanna read my How To Twitter guide I wrote for @twilight… might help you out in the future
PPS Are you following me as I late night Tweet? West Coast Wins! 😉

Sooooo what will we do without Big Daddy? What other stuff could he do with his free time now? Do you think @KellanLutz if for realz? How long do you think it will take before he gives in and follows us? I’m on a mission. We broke down Kaleb Nation in a week… can we get Kellan Lutz? What other indicators make you think that’s the real KL?

Stuff:
Dudes it’s that time again… time to empty out the DVR and make room for Eclipse! The lovely Jena has made an all new Eclipse DVR alertpage over on the forum. CHECK IT before you wreck it.

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

LTT, a love letter – Where you’re free to be a freak

Wait, you liked this guy more than the guy who played Cedric Diggory when you were 13?!

Dear LTT

I love you…in a non-creepy stalker way of course.

You see before I found you I was almost positive that I was a little insane….in fact, after spending an entire day watching multiple youtube interviews and trying to dissect in my head whether Robsten was alive (when, to be honest, I don’t really care) I forced myself to read a very boring psychology textbook as if it would wash the shame away. Watching the hour long vanity fair video was the breaking point and I thought that maybe the obsession was becoming a little crazy. I got that heart beating fast, palms sweating, slight hysteria thing every time a new interview was posted and I actually started squealing when a video was posted! Squealing! I never squealed before in my life, not even when I was 13 and in love with Gareth Gates… But then I found a link to your site, possibly from ‘I love boys who sparkle’ who noted that you talked a lot about Chris Weitz and Dilfs… I was intrigued.

No one can resist the power of Big Daddy

But now, I love you. Where else can I find out about big daddy Lautner, be linked to the awesome that is the ‘I’ll make love to you robsten’ video, watch highly erotic youtube videos on LTR and comfort myself with the fact that, as I live in the UK, the age of consent is 16 so I can ogle pictures of Taylor Lautner without gaining the wrath of Chris Hansen.

So now, when I slip and reveal the crazy to one of my non-twilight friends, and they look at me in that slightly mocking-slightly concerned way, I just smile and chant ‘that’s normal’ in my head. I’m sure that makes me look more crazy but hey, what can you do? J

Let your freak flag fly!

And the biggest thing LTT has taught me? If you’re going to be a freak, be a freak within a group of freaks, that way you’re perfectly normal. So, I’ve started systematically converting my friends to Twilight… And, when I think they are ready, I will show them to LTT and let them embrace the awesomeness too.

Love ya

Jem

Thank you Jem!!! So have you converted any of your friends to Twilight? Do you know which ones would be down and which wouldn’t? Did you like Gareth Gates? Who the EF is Gareth Gates?

PS Seriously go read LTR today!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

18 ways for Taylor to celebrate being officially legal and we’re off the hook

We have finally made it!!

Dear Taylor,

The day has finally arrived! We are no longer considered predators or creepy old ladies. Well, maybe creepy but definitely not old and no longer over stepping our legal bounds! It’s a party around here to say the least and in honor of your 18th birthday we thought, since we have a little experience, that we’d tell you what you’re now allowed to do legally in the USA!

It’s your 18th birthday so we’ve come up with a list of 18 things you can NOW do as a legal adult…

01. VOTE! No we’re not talking about voting for Rob as best dressed or for Kristen at the Bafta’s, we’re talking real deal referendums, amendments to city ordinances, Presidents, elected officials, school board councils, THE WORKS! Exciting I know.

02. You can be DRAFTED! One of the thrills of being a male American citizen of 18 years of age means you can now be drafted to join the US military. I’m sure you received that fun little piece of paper in the mail that you had to sign and send back to Uncle Sam cause he’ll come find you if you don’t and trust us he has his eye on you. He’s seen those canons and he wants them in his military. They could be considered lethal weapons after all.

03. You can now BUY A LOTTERY TICKET! Doesn’t matter that you’re now considered the highest paid “teen” actor in the business. Nothing beats filling up your tank at the gas station and buying a Mega Millions ticket! Oh the thrill, the risk, the ultimate let down.

We'd be excited too!

04. Throw away your McLovin’ fake ID cause now you can buy smokes for Kristen and Rob LEGALLY! Tobacco is now at your finger tips any time you get the itch to hang with the “cool kids” on set. This also means after you become addicted you’re now able to buy “the patch” and Nicorette gum!

05. Remember when Taylor Swift left you for John Mayer/That dude from Glee/Jared Followill/The Blockbuster guy and you wanted to spray paint her a mural full of Lisa Frank hearts and rainbows and unicorns to remind her what she was missing? Well, now you can buy spray paint!! I hear they have sparkly spray paint now.

06. If you and the wolfpack are feeling adventurous and need a bonding activity while shooting Breaking Dawn you can now make that Wolfpack bicep tattoo permanent cause you’re now legal to get tattoos without Big Daddy’s permission. May I also suggest a heart with our names in it on your forearm?

Follow the cut to see the rest of the 18 things Taylor can now do and then celebrate with us!

Taylor Lautner: It’s the final countdown

Dear Taylor,

I thought as the final countdown begins to your 18th birthday and the day when Chris Hansen finally gets off our back (5 days!) we’d kick off this weekend with two fan letters to you. Enjoy your last few days of protection from Cougars due to your age. If you thought it was bad when you were underage (grown woman giving you their panties to sign) just WAIT until you’re of age….

Love,
UC

Dear Legal in Georgia and New Zeland (in case you feel like promoting over here – thatswhatshesaid),

Stop looking so good, its contagious…I mean seriously….you’re making K-Stew look appealing…in a girl-crush-fake-lesbian way. And if you can do that…you are officially a GOD (apart from Peggy Sirota of course…)

You should seriously package that….I can see it now

“SIMPLY ILLEGAL” – All you need is Lautner

“Do you feel inadequate next to your illegally buff boyfriend? Then “Simply Illegal” is for you! Be the envy of boys AND girls when you enter the room. It will instantly make you look and feel better (in a “special hug” sort of way)..so go ahead, throw your head back and laugh….cause you’ve got a Lautner (and indecency charges on your hands)…and thats all you’ll need”

SIMPLY ILLEGAL – Lust, Lawsuits, Lautner…

I’ll work pro-bono (thatswhatshesaid) as your personal assistant in this venture…I’m an expert neck sniffer….

Obsessed with you much?

Love,
Moi

p.s. K-Stew…I know you want to lick that sexy neck…especially that adam’s apple and the rise in his shoulder *need.air.* (i mean jaw porn much?)….but u made ur choice…deal with it…

One of the last letters about an underage Taylor EVER after the jump!

Taylor Lautner Appreciation Sunday

IllegalWolfLover has never hid the fact that she’s a MAJOR, MAJOR Taylor Lautner fan! She does it again with a great letter for Taylor Lautner Appreciation Sunday!

Dear Taylor Lautner,

It’s me again. Surprised? (No, please take your finger off the speed dial to Dateline, it’s not that kind of letter…it will be after February, but that’s another story altogether)

I read on Ace Showbiz that you wanted to be considered a serious actor rather than a piece of meat and that you don’t want to take your shirt off ever again. I totally agree. We should look at you the same way we do Rob, as a well-rounded actor, singer and athlete (ok so maybe Rob doesn’t do that…). So in order to respect your wishes, I will hereby only look at you with your clothes on (this also may change in February). In keeping with my oath and also to spread the love of Taylor Re-clothed, I decided to share from my personal stash of Taycob Porn  random pics I found on the internet of you in all your clothed glory.

We appreciate you trying hard to be hobo-Tay and failing…miserably

We appreciate you being part of the holy threesome…

We appreciate the shout-out to Edward….way to rock the pea-coat…

(Now if only Rob would return the favour )

We appreciate you making the sour-puss smile….(urgh..snake skin)

We appreciate how you can make us believe we’re right there with you… even though it’s wrong and we’re all going to hell….

We appreciate your dedication to the role…

We appreciate you holding your own next to his holy hotness…

And finally

We appreciate that you clean up nice…REEEAAL NIICE!!!

Oh and before I forget

We appreciate you for giving us the wonder that is Big Daddy…(or vice versa…)

I think I defeated my purpose of appreciating you in the right way, but at least we didn’t ask you take your shirt off….

p.s.  stop talking about your body altogether…every time a reporter asks you about it…whistle, walk away, say “have mercy”, do the “cut-it-out” sign or make Rob take his shirt off…instant dodge! And never under any circumstance say things like “I did it for the fans”, “it’s cold in Vancouver when you’ve got no clothes on” or “I hope you guys like it”.

What? You already said that? Well then….good luck keeping your shirt buddy…

Wondering why there are cops at my door,
Me (Illegalwolflover)

Look at us! We can appreciate Taylor even when he has his shirt ON!

One Year later and our internet game is still ridiculous (and our Kung Fu is STILL strong): The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Time for a Newsdump: Everything NOT Twilight related aka Kellan shows us his Calvins!

Yo, it's about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. I'm gonna get mine so get yours, I wanna see sweat comin' out ya pores!

Dear LTT-ers

I was just lamenting (yes it was quite sorrowful) on Twitter that there was simply NO news about Twilight out right now and that makes things awfully boring… but then I started researching and there’s TONS of non-Twilight specific news that our favorite friends are in… so let’s get to it!

• In the best news in the history of the world category: Kellan Lutz will be the new Marky Mark for Calvin Klein. Can’t wait to see if “nothing gets between him and his Calvins” besides his mini New Testament Bible. Fingers crossed for a Kellan cover of “Good Vibrations“

• The trailer for “The Runaways” comes out and I can’t help but think two things-  ONE: they look like little girls playing dress up and TWO: I hope Dakota gets to punch someone

Che-Che-Che-Cherry BOMB!!!

Wait, this isn't the Maxim cover shoot!

• This is the prom dress you see on the rack at Goodwill and think, dude that would be perfect for my prom scene in “Can’t Buy Me Love” Halloween Costume (just right for doing the African Anteater dance in!)

• The theme of Rob and Emilie de Ravin’s Remember Me photoshoot for Vogue is “a date at LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art)” why do I picture Rob showing Emilie his favorite works of art: The Kramer or Dogs Playing Poker?

Follow the cut for more news, less catfish, more abage for the cabbage and one special tatt00

Tonight on a very special “To Catch a Predator”…

Dear Taylor Lautner lovers, counting down the days until he turns 18 (56),

What would happen if you had the opportunity to meet up with Taylor Lautner? Sarah (comment name SEM) shared with us a story of one lucky woman who did just that or so she thought…Call it fan fiction; call it a work of art; call it so realistic it’s a bit disturbing; We just call it EPICNESS (and hope you don’t call Chris Hansen on us).

To Catch a Predator

I arrived at the nondescript little house around 4 p.m. As I pulled my generic automobile into the driveway, I noticed I was shaking a little. Did I have a sense of foreboding? Did I suspect what trouble lay around the bend? Was I just super-uber excited about getting to meet Taylor Lautner?

It’s hard to say. Sure, like any red-blooded woman I was thrilled about meeting the sexier half of Swiftner. But if I was being honest with myself, I did find it a little odd that I had met Taylor in a chat room a few weeks ago and was meeting him in person in what amounted to BFE, Middle America. It didn’t seem logical that Taylor would live anywhere near there, but I figured with his money he might have properties all over the place. And it did have its charms. It was the kind of small town you’d see in a typical 1950s filmstrip about wholesomeness.

But I didn’t feel wholesome. Who knows why. Maybe it was because I was meeting him for the first time at his home instead of in a public place. Maybe I was experiencing a sort of compulsory nervousness that accompanies all first dates. Or maybe it was the fact that the instant messages I had been sending the as-yet-underaged TaycobSexxy8Pak@perv-sting.com for the last 6 weeks had been categorically debauched. Whatever it was, I was uneasy.

My jitters caused me to drop my tote bag on the way to the door. I told myself to get a grip. He’s just another guy. He’s probably nervous too. I rapped lightly on the door. There was no answer. I knocked a little harder. Nothing. What, does he think I can just use some tree limbs like the uneven parallel bars and then ricochet off the side of his house directly into his bedroom? I’m fast, but I’m not that fast. Finally I heard a young man’s voice from inside the house.

“It’s open. Just come on in.”

Okay, he’s not even gonna come to the door. I know he’s underaged, but he’s old enough to know what bad manners that is…

I opened the door and slowly stepped across the threshold. I didn’t immediately observe anything out of the ordinary, though the décor was admittedly Spartan. Perhaps he had just recently moved in. Hanging in the hallway was a portrait of Taylor with what appeared to be a grandparent. He’s sentimental… That’s hott.

Looking for Taylor, I stepped into the kitchen. The plain pine cabinets, beige linoleum floor, and outdated appliances made the room appear dour despite the light color palette. In the center of the room was a plain pine island surrounded by wooden stools. Something about this house, especially this room, was familiar, but I couldn’t pinpoint where I might have seen it.

Just then he called out from a room farther back down the hallway: “I’m just gonna throw a load of towels into the washer. I’ll be right out.”

This isn’t right… Something is very wrong. Why hasn’t he come out to say hi? Why is he doing laundry when he should be doing me? Why did that picture of he and his grandmother look like someone cut out one of Taylor’s magazine covers and grafted it onto the picture that came with the frame?

At that moment he uttered the words that I immediately recognized as the harbingers of disaster:

“I made some sweet tea. Go ahead and pour yourself a glass. I’ll be right out.”

I realized instantly why the house was so familiar. About 3 things I was absolutely positive. First, I had not been corresponding with the real Taycob. Second, a part of my online conversations – and I didn’t know how large a part – were going to be exposed on network television. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably busted.

Uh oh. Who caught her? Read on after the jump!

New Moon rumor patrol

Dear New Moon,

So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there are rumors floating around EVERYWHERE. I thought I’d take a little time today, dig into the news and gossip, contact my sources and really do some research into the stories out there to help us determine what to believe or not. Enjoy!

1. Women everywhere have forgotten about their vintage green washer & dryer and have taken up hand washing their clothes in a bucket of cold, sudsy water, and Wal-mart has suddenly tripled inventory on the old fashioned washboard (formally found in the craft department to be used as decoration) as demand increases due to all the women recently inspired to manually scrub out the stains in their clothing:

True- thanks to Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs. He now gets a royalty check every time Wal-mart sells an old-fashioned washboard.

2. Chris Weitz has agreed to do Breaking Dawn and make it into two films

False or True or… this is still a rumor: Chris is concerned that he set the bar pretty high this time with the yellow pants and isn’t sure if he has another color of slacks to top them when it comes time for Breaking Dawn promotion. He has a cranberry pair that his mom sent him for Thanksgiving (they have a stitching of a turkey along the top) but are they good enough? It’s really a lot to consider. PLUS, two more movies to film? He’s really concerned that Robsten can’t stick it out that long. And nothing would be worse than the world’s precious star couple breaking up the night before Rob is supposed to bite pillows and tear apart headboards. So if he agrees to it and if he finds the perfect pair of pants, he will probably recast Bella. He’ll cast me. He doens’t know it yet, but he will. I sent him a pair of bedazzled, neon blue “UC & Moon” pants last week. He’ll get them any day now and he’ll be convinced. Feathers all over my naked body, here I come!

Thankfulness oozes from our LTT pores

Dear Twilight, Stephenie Meyer, Chris Weitz, Chris Hansen and everyone else that falls under those 5 titles,

Continuing with our weekend of thanks (aka Moon & UC take a break from blogging due to the pie-coma we’ve been in since Thursday), we opened it up to our readers to share what they are thankful to YOU for in the Twi-world!

Kristin, forum mod, incredible friend and list maker extraordinaire, kicks us off with a sappy, funny, THOROUGH list of thankfulness!

Just wait till you see the hand signals people give you if you leave out the leg hitch

• I am thankful that Crazy Cathy is a cougar, without her prowess for Rob, we wouldn’t have gotten to see him come to life as Edward Cullen.
• I am thankful for DVD commentary, without that I wouldn’t have the pleasure of hearing “cheeseburgahs!”, “super human moron” and “there’s always something suspect about a guy who plucks his eyebrows”.
• I am thankful for DVD’s in general when it comes time to fast forward through Kristen/Bella stuttering in the hospital bed.
• I’m thankful that Stephanie Meyer had a dream. A dream about a meadow that has changed mine and countless other womens perspective on what  constitutes the perfect man. However I am not thankful for repetitive use of the word “chagrin”.
• I am thankful for the leg hitch. David Slade, so help me God, that leg hitch better be in there.
• I shall give thanks to the man who restored my faith in the movies, Chris Wietz. I am so thankful for him, I would iron those mustard colored pants even. Lets try and remain proper, but there are many ways I would like to show just how thankful I am.
• Also thankful for Michael Sheen and Tweed. (say that last part very seriously)
• I am thankful that I while I am a mother and I love the Twilight Saga, I am not a twi-mom.
• I’m thankful that there is a forum, about twilight, that I moderate. Never thought in my life, those 3 things would be together in a sentence.
• I am thankful that I don’t go one day without thinking about Rob/Twilight/New Moon/LTT/LTR, they are my life now.
• (here comes LOTS of cheese) I am thankful that I have met people who will be my friends for life, all because of twilight. People I have met and will meet, that are so fabulous, it makes me sad to think I wouldn’t know them if I had just blown off this stupid “vampire book”.

The Twitters were abuzz with thankfulness

Random_Brunette i am thankful for Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone,Chris Weitz,ShirtFree-ness & Heineken,amen 😉

RobwardisSEXX I’m thankful for Rob always having the right amount of scruff on his gorgeous face. & 4 s.meyer’s creations.God bless her.

PhyllmeupRob Im thankful that Rob and Twilight reminded me 2 act young & really feel lifes emotions again without guilt. Cheesy enough?

Follow the cut for so much more thankfulness that you’ll wish you were back in your pie-coma