We’re not quite done with New Moon yet…

Dear Twilight New Moon,

Before we jump full swing into Eclipse mode, I feel we need to revisit New Moon & address some things we left out when discussing it incessantly over the past, oh, I dunno, year or so. While watching the movie with my hubby this weekend, (THAT review will be shared soon!) I was reminded of HOW AWKWARD it is to watch these movies with outsiders. I always feel the need to stop every 5 seconds and explain what is going on. Or explain what was going on in the book to make them come to this decision in the movie. Or explain how the book did it better. Or explain how it was less cheesy in the book. Or explain how Bella was less bitchy last time I remembered….

Here are a few things I meant to discuss long ago:

  • When Jake visits Bella at school on her birthday and they’re discussing Jacob’s Rabbit, Bella asks, “Is it fast?” (Awkward pause) Jacob, “Not really….” Ummmmmmm WHY? Why did this have to happen? Was it necessary to kill 15 seconds with utter awkwardness right there? If you were looking for something to fill that time, you could’ve asked me. My answer would have been LEG HITCH or the New Moon equivalent. (Hand-holding in the Volturi hallway- FAIL- I’m still pissed that scene wasn’t included)
  • Their English teacher, Mr. Birdy, looks like Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World!


  • How does no one think it’s odd that when Sam finds Bella he has his shirt off? I feel like we already discussed this or at LEAST mentioned it, but why aren’t people more in an uproar? WE understand that Sam is a wolf and therefore wears his jorts on a cord around his ankle & runs around shirtless, but no one else does. It was raining out. It was chilly. Doesn’t Charlie, the cop, think it’s odd that an older, shirtless guy finds his daughter and he’s half naked? Isn’t he concerned that maybe Sam got a little freaky? Shouldn’t we see Chris Hansen popping out of the trees? Or maybe the 15 seconds wasted on the Rabbit conversation could’ve been used here. Charlie asks: “Why the hell is your shirt off, Sam?” Sam:I’m a wolf therefore I’m used as sex appeal in this movie because Robert Pattinson is gone for the next hour and 1/2 I had to use it to dry off Bella’s face and I left it in the woods.” There done.
  • I'm sorry- who are you?

    After Bella finds out that Jake is a wolf & they are at Emily’s, Jacob saunters up to the house being the only boy fully clothed. Not only that, but he has this look. It’s this cocky look like he knows he’s the shit.  It’s hot. It’s a different Taylor and a different Jacob. The baby voice leaves us for a second & he just looks like a man. Gone are my visions of him on the cover of People mag in 3 years with the caption “YES- I’M GAY” while Big Daddy is in the background, with ketchup on his polo shirt. Just for those few minutes I can see Taylor as a grown up, sexy man- growing a little taller- fitting his muscles a little bit more- deepening his squeaky voice. Honestly, it looks like he lost his virginity the night before. I can’t tell if it’s Jacob who got freaky with a female wolf in the woods or if it was Taylor who gave it up. Either way I’m kinda feeling like Nikki Reed was involved. She either morphed into wolf form & took Jacob’s vcard or snuck into Taylor’s hotel room the night before. Possibly Forcefully.

  • When Bella tells Charlie that she needs a “girls night out” I appreciate the try, but it sounds more like a tom boy trying to convince her mom she wants to buy some Jimmy Choo’s. Or she’s being sarcastic and really IS having a girls night out… with “Ilikebigboobs41” who she met on dykesRUs.com
  • In the garage when Bella meets Quil & Embry she says to them, sarcastically, “Oh- you have girlfriends now!?” And …. I just don’t get it? What does she mean? I’ve read the books & seen the movie 7 times… and every time I have NOT gotten that joke. What am I MISSING here!?

  • And THEN Jacob calls Mike a MARSHMALLOW? I mean #1 I don’t know what that is. And #2 Is that what the kids are saying these days? Because I’m PRETTY SURE a normal 16 year old isn’t going to call a dude he doesn’t like the name of a delicious snack that goes well with chocolate and graham crackers after being cooked over a fire. And #3 forget what I said above about forgetting Jacob is a soon-to-be-out-of-the-closet teen. I remember again.
  • This is one of my other favorite parts from the brilliance screenplay: Jake: “Bella, you’ve been lying to everyone … Charlie…. (awkward pause) ” Then he stops because he realizes she hasn’t been lying to anyone else….
  • And whyyyyy hasn’t it even been discussed or put on a Tshirt that it sounds like Jacob is trying to come out to Bella when she confronts him about being a wolf. “Bella, this isn’t a LIFESTYLE choice. I was BORN this way!” It feels a litttttle too much like Bobby is trying to tell his mommy that he wants to take Billy to the prom instead of Barbara

I could go on & on… and for sure I’d make at least 6 other gay references. I have no idea why I just made so many- but it’s like they all just HIT me when I watched the DVD this weekend!

Here’s for less gay jokes and more “oohs and ahhs” over hot LEG HITCH scenes in Eclipse,
UnintendedChoice xo

Before we retire New Moon forever (until our 10 year LTT world-wide tour) what have you noticed lately that we’ve never discussed? Did Yorkie seem the straightest of them all during your last viewing? Do you feel as awkward as I do when watching the movie with a first-timer!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Don’t forget about the HARRY POTTER BOOK CLUB that just started over on The Forum! Join them today!
Harry Potter LTT Book Club

Open Weekend Post: My new, much funnier than me, bff

Dear Saturdayers,

I just made up a word and put “Dear” in front of it so I could turn what would normally be just a regular ol’ blog post into a “letter,” thus fitting in with the theme of our site. See that? Pretty brilliant, huh? Blogging 101, y’all!

This past week I fell in love. In love with a Chinese guy named Vince Mancini. He makes fun of Twilight and puts Moon & I to shame. I love those people. Not only do they reassure me that it is, indeed, normal to poke fun of Twilight because that’s what “outsiders” are doing, but they make me feel so bad at my attempts to be funny that it forces me to be better. After I almost quit the blog out of depression, and after I email such a writer offering them my spot on the blog (“the pay sucks, but the people are nice,” I tell them), I get over it and move on. Until the next funny guy comes along. Anyway, I found Vince this week. And fell in love.

Just read what he had to say about Bill Condon being brought on to direct Breaking Dawn. Oh, and the picture is the one he posted on his blog. Yes. An outsider saw that. Vince writes:

(It's one thing for US to see pictures like these, but to know that people OUTSIDE of the fandom do too!? Shudder..)

“If you watched Kinsey or Dreamgirls or Gods and Monster (for which Bill Condon won an Oscar for best adapted screenplay), you probably thought, “Gee, that’s great, but where are the snorkeling vampires, the c-sections, the wolf-on-baby love affairs?” Well you’re in luck, because Summit has officially announced that Condon will direct the final chapter in the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn, as translated from Stephenie Meyer’s original elementary schoolese.

Yes, it takes a certain grace and a subtle sensitivity (as opposed to my own brand of overbearing, ostentatious sensitivity) to bring to the big screen a book with such plot points as:

The baby has telepathy, by the way, so everybody can read its thoughts while it’s in the womb, and it turns out to have an essentially adult mind. …In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his teeth.

So basically, an Academy Award winner is directing the sparkly vampire version of Little Man. How could that not be awesome? I can’t wait to see how Kristen Stewart decides to play the scene in which her unborn vampire baby severs her spine. Ten bucks says she plays it like really bad heartburn. She’s such a subtly sensitive actress.”

SO FUNNY, right!? (I know, right!?) That’s not even all of it. Read the entire thing here

Then, In a post about how Kellan Lutz & friends will be joining the rest of the cast for Breaking Dawn, the man I hope to make my new best friend says:

“Bite open my C-section scar, Press Release:

Summit Entertainment has confirmed that Peter Facinelli, Ashley Greene, Kellan Lutz, Jackson Rathbone, Elizabeth Reaser, and Nikki Reed will all return as members of the Cullen Family in The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. These cast members join Billy Burke as Charlie Swan.

Oh God, joining Billy Burke as Charlie Swan would be a dream come true. There are perhaps no sweeter words in the English language than “join Billy Burke as Charlie Swan.” My entire childhood I sat in class daydreaming about the day when the arena would go dark, the spotlights would come on, my entrance music would start to play, and announcer would shout, NOW JOINING BILLY BURKE AS CHARLIE SWAN… I’d run out, the crowd would go wild. I was the best they ever saw. Gay Vampire Scarf Baseball would never be the same.”

Seriously read this whole thing & leave him some comment love (preferably asking him to be my bff)

So hilarious.
Looking for more to waste your time with this Saturday? Check out his post about Dakota Fanning and of COURSE you must read the one about Robsten!

Happy Saturday! I’m off to the shore- which just means the “beach,” but Philadelphians & Jersey people don’t call it that. I’ve lived here for 27 years and I still don’t get it!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: The most amazing part of this entire letter is that after I wrote it I went to find my new bff Vince’s twitter account and noticed he no longer looked Asian. So I did some more research (aka read his about page fully) and realized that the Asian guy in the picture + the fact that he used to be a Chinese food chef does NOT necessarily mean that Vince is Chinese. IN fact, the guy next to the Asian guy on the about us page is NOT Michael Cera, as I first thought, and seems to actually be Vince. Oops. Let’s blame it on the 12:38 am message on the clock. Or the 1 glass of wine I had at 5:30 pm. Yeah…

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

It’s Casual Friday on LTT & we have some contest winners!

Dear LTTers,

Fridays are some of my favorite days around the blogs because it’s like we play “Casual Fridays.” We take off our tweed, put on our jeans & baseball cap and stop being so serious (ha!). No one wants to work. Everyone wants to play. And it’s no different around here. So let’s not waste any time and just JUMP into announcing our WINNER of the Contest we’ve been running all week to win a Tshirt of your choice from our brand spankin’ new LTT-LTR merch store!

And the winner is..

Cathy A with her Kristen Stewart: They’re Not Bears entry!

In 20 years, KStew may have escaped the mullet but not the fandom of Bella Blinking Swan. She finally relents and embraces the Bella Swan persona fully (name change included) .Now a blonde and with dual identity, Bella Kristen Swan Stewart received a degree in Zoology and makes it her lifetime goal to inform every man and woman on Earth that THEY’RE NOT BEARS!! with a bucket of fierce of course.

Congratulations Cathy! We hope you picked out the design you want on your tshirt! You’re going to be the HOTTEST gal around!

Runners Up

We had a hard time choosing between the one that ultimately won and Cathy’s 2nd entry:

In 2o years Rpattz will be the DILF OF THE CENTURY. Here he is on a father and son bonding trip to the local Goodwill. Notice he enters through the front since he has (UNFORTUNATELY) retired from his backdoor dumpster days..hence Rpattz junior’s existence *ahem*

This one is OH so Amazing! (and probably OH SO going to get us in trouble for posting it after we found out we will be interviewing Stephenie about this very book!) via whiplashes:

Bree Tanner in 20 years

Fangbanger & Moonjenn worked together to give us this look at Angela in 20 years. I think they might be on to something here…

Thanks to all the Runners Up! It was a hard decision! And congratulations Cathy! We will be emailing you today so watch for that!

Honorable Mentions after the jump! Continue reading

Questions for Stephenie about Midnight Sun

With the excitement of Monday’s surprise announcement, the launch of our LTT Store, Running our contest through Thursday, and the hundreds of dirty dishes piling up on my kitchen counters, we’ve been busy. Our email inbox has been filled with contest entries, fun messages from long-time lurkers and lots and lots of question suggestions for Stephenie Meyer. I think we need an assistant. Brookelockart has been offering her services for years, but turns out she expects payment other than the promise of UC & Moon co-written smutty fan fic starring her, Edward & Larry411. Who knew!? Anyway, a theme has emerged from the questions we’ve been told to ask so far: Midnight Sun, Midnight Sun, Midnight Sun…..I’ve had two fan letters about this very topic sitting around for awhile now, so I thought today would be the perfect time to share them!

Please, God. No

Dear Stephenie:

Brooke’s letter to you when the news about the Bree novella broke pretty much said it all: We want Midnight Sun- not some story about a newborn who barely had a blip of a connection with Bella and Edward (though I know I will end up buying it).

But with the desire for Midnight Sun that is so strong its painful, I would like to ask one thing of you WHEN you relieve our suffering and finish the book (I can’t bare to think of out as an if):

Please don’t have Edward purposely pick out that specific outfit on the day of the meadow so he can match Bella. Tell me that after I read the Midnight Sun draft and (naturally) went back to re-read Twilight, I misinterpreted a detail with the extra information I had. I noticed that Bella, the night before going out to the meadow with Edward, no only gratuitously used “drugs” (cough medicine), but she fussed over what she was going to wear. Does that mean she laid her clothes out? Because Edward was most likely in her room that night watching her sleep. PLEASE tell me that she didn’t lay out the ensemble and Edward saw it and thought that somehow it would be a good idea to dress alike.

Hey Bells, I noticed you picked out Brown panties for today. Me too

Have you seen couples that do this? It’s not cute- it’s not sweet. I cringe whenever I see this atrocity. But more so, it’s not something Edward would do. But I felt I had to mention it because I didn’t think he would have kept a lemonade bottle cap as a “token” either, which made me worry that maybe my fear was valid.

So please, keep that in mind. And for the love of all that is holy finish Midnight Sun!

Thanks,
JacobEdwardsWife

PS – I can never thank you enough for your choice of Jacob and Edward’s names. But THANK YOU 😉

We ponder more Midnight Sun stuff after the jump! Continue reading

Bill Condon: Reading between the lines

Dear Bill Condon,

Welcome to the Fandom! Welcome to the crazy! Welcome to a decision you will most likely regret!!! Moon & I enjoyed reading your letter a few weeks ago. It was kinda weird to read and completely unnecessary, but we get it. This fandom is unlike any other and expectations are high. We just want to let you know we don’t expect much. I mean, we expect a LOT- like there better be a LOT of feathers (so much that they cover HER completely, if you could), Renesmee better not be creepy & you better make sure to time the birth scene with my mid-movie bathroom break. But we’re pretty easy-going gals & Unicorns around these parts. We just want Rob Pattinson naked a true representation of Breaking Dawn with lots of naked Edward except a version that’s much more R-rated. NC-17 is cool too. I’ve never seen one of those. Unless you count looking at Ashley Greene’s naked pictures that one time..

Moon & I were just STRUCK at the political correctness of your letter. I mean, I guess what else were you going to do? Come out yelling “YOU’RE ALL SOFA KING CRAZY AND YOU BETTER LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME DO MY JOB?” (That would’ve RULED) I’m sure you wanted to. Or maybe you’re confused and have no idea why anyone would suggest that. Oh, Bill.. you have so much to learn. We’ll teach you soon, we promise.

Although… it seems like you’re a pretty smart dude. I want to think you’ve done your homework and you DO know what you’re getting yourself into. Your letter left a LOT unsaid… and we didn’t waste anytime reading between the lines. In the following “Break Down” of your letter, I selected the color green for your words so we don’t get confused with our interpretation. I choose green because green is what? GOOD! (Don’t worry- It’s a Twilight joke. You won’t get it)

Moon: Oh, Bill… we ALL can read between the lines of your letter
UC
: how so?
Moon
: I mean writing a letter is a tricky thing, hello we’ve done it for quite a while now. So Bill is trying to talk to the fandom but you can see he thinks some other things about it as well…….like the opening line- when I first tried to read the letter over a week ago, I couldn’t read past the opening line:

Greetings Twihards, Twifans, Twilight Moms, Team Edward, Team Jacob and Team Switzerland,

UC: It’s cuz we don’t fit in any of those categories
Moon
: He sounds like the new teacher or a step parent or new boss trying to show you he’s “down with the kids” and that he gets it. Come on, really? Team Switzerland?! That’s soooo 2007 right? We weren’t even around then but imagine it to be so. He might as well have put:

Dear Dorks, nerds, girls who shop at Hot Topic and think they’re “goth,” sex crazed moms with 4 kids and girls with no lives, I’m here to write you because I know you’re crazy

UC: YES!! I feel left out of this letter
Moon
: Right- like where’s: “Dear reluctant girls who love this saga but haven’t really told anyone other than those 2 others girls you met online about your mild (serious) obsession- I’m here to tell you I’m gonna try not to f*ck up too bad.” THATS the letter I wanna read!
UC
: let’s be honest- do we think Team Summit told him about US? no.. Team Summit told him about the big 5 approved sites and THAT’s it!
Moon
: He should’ve been straight- like “I know we’re totes gonna fumble on some key stuff and you’re gonna hate us for a few days but we’re really gonna nail some other stuff. and besides I’m kinda a hot dude… in a nerdy pseudo-European way”
UC
: “And I can’t wait to see what you end up calling me”

After these divas, Rob Pattinson should be a PIECE OF CAKE

Moon: “I mean I’m not Chris Weitz but I direct musicals, give me SOME credit”
UC
: “The hobbit has already been taken, The DILF unfortunately can’t be mine”
Yeah… I’m looking forward to the name we come up with for him as well!
Moon
: do we know ANYTHING about him?! Is he gay, straight, married, single? kids?
UC
: no…. we will have to RESEARCH another day!
Moon
: does he just have a crazy niece who loves Twilight?
UC
: What he’s really saying is: “I’m stoked to be getting underway on the adventure of Breaking Dawn- my step daughter told me if I didn’t bring on this project she’d start dating that guy on the motorcycle with the tattoos I saw her talking to outside of the metroplex last weekend”
Moon
: I like to think he’s gay or married to a hot piece like Helen Mirren with no kids.

Gay? Married? Both? Find out after the jump! Continue reading

Open Weekend Post: I can’t escape

Dear weekend LTTers,

You know how I went away all last week and left you for the glorious beaches of Riviera Maya, Mexico? For the first time in a LONG time I literally unplugged- my iPhone was off & in the safe- I checked my email 3 times mostly because I missed Moon & had funny stories to tell her about our mutual friend who got married at the beach and was the reason we went on this glorious vacation, but besides that and the occasional flipping to “Channel 38” (The porn channel) when the mini bar guy would come in to do a refill, just to make it real awkward, we were kickin’ it old school without internet, TV or any multimedia and it felt GOOD.

That’s not to say I didn’t miss you all. I did. In fact, I tried NOT to miss you. I tried to forget I have these blogs and forget I have these internet friends…. but- everywhere I turned I was SMACKED in the face with, what else? Twilight.

It was 1 hour into our flight when I finished my Sudoku puzzle in the US airways magazine and flipped the page to THIS:

(It was only playing on flights to Europe. I would have DIED if they played it for us!)

Literally seconds later my iPod started playing THIS:

Which is what I called THIS audio clip

Once my hubby & I got to the resort we tried to track down some grub. What did we see? Oh, Oregano, the Italian pizzeria, of course:

After eating that first day we hopped on the beach, relaxed next to the friends & family of the bride & groom and as I stretched out in the sun what did the mother of the groom pull out of her bag?

And later that day, as I lounged on a chair in the water next to the swim up bar, what was the guy reading in the chair next to me?

Uh huh. TWILIGHT. There was a UNICORN in MEXICO. A Mexicorn!!

As much as I wanted to, I resisted and did NOT bring Eclipse along with me on the trip. I want to read it before the movie releases next month, but this time I settled in with some fiction about death called The Book Thief. With a chapter title, of course, called: Eclipse

The groom to be- aka BFF James look-alike (remember him? He was the one who started Haiku’s for Kstew- yes ladies, he’s officially off the market) deingcided  he wanted to be embarassing to his friends and family with his bathing wear for the entire week. So he stocked up on all sorts of speedos. Mid-week he broke out the best of them- an American flag, USA-represent, teeny tiny, brief speedo. Which of course he wore with… what else?

JORTS

Did I ever mention how I’m the worst friend ever to Moon? For our 1 year anniversary back in December she had her jewelry designer friend CUSTOM MAKE me this amazing necklace. Guess what I got her? That’s right. Nothing. I think maybe I sent her an email. Anyway, I wear this necklace all the time. Normally I wear it with the side that says Moon To: UC facing front just in case anyone sees it. The other side says LTT/LTR and that’s harder to explain. But no one has ever asked me about my neckalce. Well, that is until last week, when I got asked multiple times a DAY what my necklace meant. My husband kindly informed me that my response of “Oh, it’s just an inside joke between a friend & me. We call each other these silly names” sounds really childish and stupid. I swear the woman who asked on the last day knew what it meant. She looked at me like she knew my secrets….

On our last evening, as we hung out in our favorite bar- a nice Mexican magician blew our minds with these amazing tricks. He was GREAT. I helped him with his last trick. He brought out these dirty cards & told me he found them in a coffin. He did the trick, blew some minds and at the very end, started talking in a sinister voice and smiled slowly… and as I watched FANGS formed in his mouth. These weren’t like dollar store fangs either- this dude was legit. I’m pretty sure he was actually a vampire.

That was it- my vacation away from it all- being unplugged, disconnected- utter relaxation… and I thought of Twilight… and as a result of YOU guys around EVERY corner!!!!!!

I missed you all!

XO,
UnintendedChoice

Where have YOU thought of Twilight lately.. when you should be thinking about something else?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2

I’m Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!! And I missed you so greatly. I had great “Welcome back from vacation” letter plans for today, but CalliopeBlabs graced us with PART 2 of her epic “Breaking Dawn through the eyes of Barbies” and it just couldn’t wait. I can. So make sure you read Part 1 if you haven’t yet, and get ready to laugh & call your mom to have her ship you your old moldy barbies from her basement so you can act out a similar scene. Xo- UC

Dear Summit,

*WAY OVER-DRAMATIC SIGH*

I hate being right. Well… okay, no, that’s definitely a lie, but I mean… I guess, I hate when being right is soooooo easy. And Summit, you make it sooooo easy. NO challenge. NO hesitation. NO uncertainty. I called you out on not having a clue how to handle Breaking Dawn and you didn’t even TRY to sneakily deny my claims. There was no… “oh, look, we’ve picked a location!” or any “oh look we’ve decided on 1 movie vs 2” to counter my claims. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And now I know… KNOW… that you are just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, playing in the Ball Pit I’m convinced is not only present at Summit Headquarters but is also the most challenging part of a Summit employees workday, awaiting my next installment of Barbie Breaking Dawn.   You saw the idea and thought… “you know, this Calli, she just might be on to something.” And there you sit… waiting for my direction on how to handle this conundrum you seem to have found yourself in.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2 … and hope… beyond reasonable hope… that you somehow get your shit together for Breaking Dawn. Because it is going to be ridiculous – Nay EMBARRASSING – if you have your actors start promoting the final filmed installment of the series without providing them with a SOLID, FORWARD MOVING ANSWER to the question they always seem to get: Kristen, are resolute on visiting a McDonald’s in every country and thats why you were in Hungary? Nikki, at exactly what point did you sell your soul to the devil? Slade, do you feel discriminated against as one of the lone midget directors in Hollywood? Rob, will you actually be trying to knock Kristen up for method purposes during the final film? Taylor, do you know what a vagina is? What is happening with Breaking Dawn?

Until then, I’m going to soldier on and give the people what they have asked for (see how that works?).  Therefore, here is it, the Book that everyone (okay no one) is waiting for…

Breaking Dawn Book 2: Jacobs POV

(the one where I prove this part of Breaking Dawn could just be entertaining.)

Jacob: (petulant and whiny) Woooeee is me… No one to love in my life.

Jacob: Bella! You’re back!

Bella: Come in! Have I got news for you! As if u already didn’t hate Edward… we had sex!

Does Jacob freak out? Does he phase after hearing the news? Does he put on 60s-era Beatles clothes? Find out after the jump Continue reading