Mr. Choice watches New Moon

Dear Unicorns, LTTers & those who care about a man’s opinion of New Moon,

Today is my 4 year wedding anniversary with Mr. Choice. This combined with my mention last week of not being done with New Moon quite yet really puts me in the mood to share with you an experience I had a week or so ago:

Mr. Choice said to me, on a Sunday afternoon, “I’d like to watch New Moon with you.” After I looked around for the “Pun’k” cameras and checked to feel if I still had a pulse, I asked him what I had to do in return. Apparently nothing (Well, there was a 30 second conversation about me needing to be in the “buff” in order for him to watch it, but I promised to make him popcorn instead. After 4 years of marriage I’ve learned what compromise means. And that sometimes food wins over sex) Watching New Moon with Mr. Choice was interesting. And embarrassing. And really kind of fun!

Here are his thoughts:

He did not know who the old woman was in the first scene despite Bella calling her “Gram” a few times

Have you seen my werthers? I seem to have misplaced them...

When Edward appeared in the field- he gasped. And Laughed. Then asked if I had a lady boner (I did)

Your werthers are in my pants...

Mr. Choice is a musician- a very talented one- and dreams of one day writing the score for a Twilight film. Before last night he had never heard the score to New Moon. Every night as I’m falling asleep I hear this song coming from his studio- it sounds JUST like the main theme from New Moon. I told him I thought that awhile back and he said he wrote the song in high school. Tonight, he said, “Desplat stole this shit from me. I have the original score in a box at my parents house.” He was pretty pissed the rest of the film…..Someone owes the Choice family a bunch of money…

When Jacob first appears outside of the school, he stops it and rewinds yelling IS THAT A MULLET!? Then we had to watch it in slow mo while I took this screen shot:

After Alice gives Bella her bday present and Jasper wishes her a happy birthday (well, he starts to wish her a happy birthday and then says “Nevermind…”) we had this conversation:

Mr. Choice: Why is he mean?
UC: He just controlled her mind right there. And then afterwards he noticed/felt how mad she was. So he decided not to follow through with his birthday wish. Plus he has a really bad wig. So he doesn’t know how else to act

During the famous line “You’re my only reason to stay alive (awkward pause) if that’s what I am (awkward Pause),” Mr. Choice yelled, “HE IS NOT GOOD!”

When the blood fell to the floor I heard the biggest, fakest GASP of his life. And then utter laughter when Edward goes after Jasper & pushes Bella out of the way. And then lastly, there was some true concern for the piano.

During the birthday kiss by the truck- the one we’ve talked about many times (aka the one I heard in the theater when the screen went black)

Mr. Choice yells, “DID HE JUST ROCK IT!?” I laughed and said, “I told you about how it sounds like they’re having sex when you close your eyes.” And he said- “NO. LOOK.” Then rewound it (it took us like 5 hours to watch the movie with all the rewinding), and put it on slow mo. He’s right. Something happened. Maybe the gaffer took the mic from below and gave Rob the ultimate tickle or something, but he definitely, using Mr. Choice’s choice of words, “ROCKED IT”

Oh yeah Gaffer.... right there.... right there...

Tragedy occurs, Mr. Choice adds lines & we find out how to make an Edward fort after the jump! Continue reading

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Twilight Unicorns, Dads & gynecologists

Hardcore Twilight Lover

Dear people who aren’t as excited as I am that it’s Friday but who are probably still pretty excited,

Did you catch how I mentioned on last weekend’s Open Post that one day while in Mexico I was relaxing by myself in a chair in the pool & I looked to my left and saw a woman, who I swear had a tattoo that looked vaguely familiar- (red flowing ribbon? I didn’t want to stare too hard but I considered pretending to take a picture of the iguana hanging out a few feet beyond her), whose husband settled in a chair next to her and whipped out a Twilight book- just like that. In public. Dude. I don’t even think I’d do that anymore. Cause if I did, guarantee someone sees it who’s a non-normal Twihard and wants to talk stuff that normally makes my pulse race, but not on VACATION. While other PEOPLE are around! Or she’d be sorta a fan, and in conversation with her I’d say something that makes it OBVIOUS I know way too much about this stuff…. Either way- lose, lose. No Twilight books in public for me! So it was a shocker to see this Unicorn be so open about it! I really wanted to ask him some questions. I almost got up the nerve to ask him for a picture. Dammit- I should have interviewed him. I was on my 3rd Caprina drink & it was 11 am.. what was WRONG with me!?

Anyway, seeing my Unicorn on vacation got me missing the good ol’ days when we’d spot Unicorns on planes, in our chat sessions, in the beds next to us & in the break room at work. They may be harder to spot these days, but as evidenced by the following letters, they are still out there!

Dadcase Rob Patatinson

We need to get your dad one of THESE- A Dadcase to hold books 1-4. PLUS there's room for the New Moon lunchbox & thermos- perfect to tote your midday snack at work!

Dear LTT,

I had to share my Dad’s thought’s on Twilight… Yes, he has thoughts on Twilight!

First of all, my Dad is almost 60. He reads constantly – good literature, autobiographies, history. He’s been known to preview movies before letting his kids watch them, just to make sure that there weren’t any unexpected and HUGELY offensive surprises. Of course, now his youngest child is 30 so he didn’t really need to worry about what we might discover in these “teen books”!  So…why did he read ALL 4 BOOKS? Because he has two grown daughters who haven’t been able to get over them. We’ve been discreet but little things outing our enthusiasm occasionally slip past our self constructed censors… (i.e. I took a trip to visit my sister in Paris and we just so happened to wait in line with all of the Parisian twihards to see New Moon on opening weekend!)  They all added up to him becoming a little intrigued

So with shock and awe I lent him my precious 4 books. Here is his review (yes, he reviewed them without my prompting! He does things like that!):

“Okay, first, I’ll try not to give away the details as half the interest of a series on vampires and acquaintances is in the unfolding of the narrative.

Second, I surprised myself by really enjoying all four books – there is no way the movies can do justice … but I might sneak a peek at one of them anyway.

4 books:
Book 1 – good start for the first 25%, bogged down in the second 50% making me think this might really be chick romance literature with a few twists, but the last 25% was action filled and full of suspense.

Book 2 – Okay, vampires AND werewolves no less. Interesting, nothing so goofy that you can’t make yourself pretend its plausible – after all, we are reading about vampires …

Book 3 – Another twist! And another! and one or two more – the author keeps adding in “life” and this reader keeps reading to see if nothing else whether she can keep this tale together.

Book 4 – I could hardly bear another book – what else could the author do with this saga, and this book at least looks bigger than any of the first three… Well, she found new directions, and carried through. This one was a page turner 75% of the time. This reader was trapped in a story that simply had to be read, as I had no idea where it would go.

And from this saga, the author is able to speak on themes of love, loyalty, family, “extended family,” responsibility, decision making, trustworthiness, choices, regrets, etc that teens might not want to read of in any other way.

I know it should NOT be sold with a small group study guide … but it could be.”

Truly, this twilight thing IS like a drug! Could there actually be other Dad’s out there reading Twilight too??

Still in shock,
Sarah

A Unicorn…. at the gynecologist?  Oh yeah, read it after the jump! Continue reading

A Rebuttle: The Font wants to talk about the Leg Hitch and life and 93 Buicks

*Because we like to beat dead horses here at LTT and because the Font has a response to my letter from yesterday that you need to read and then hug someone after, here he is to talk about his take on The Leg Hitch*

Hey Twi-Fans.

How are you? Good? That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.

So what’s been going on since we last talked? Oh, did someone write gay fan fiction about you and a close friend? Did you get yelled at on Twitter about Michael Vick by someone who is now blurring the line between fan and friend? Did a pretty girl you were interested in refer to you as “that Twilight guy” in person? No, no, sorry. I’m getting your life confused with mine.

But listen. That’s not why we’re here. We’re here to talk about Leg Hitch or whatever the fuck it’s called.

I cannot believe all of you women are getting this excited about dry sex. Seriously.

Yeah, sure, foreplay’s exciting NOW. Where were you when a generation of teenage males were locking themselves in their rooms eight times a day? If you would have asked a fourteen year old Font “hey buddy, what do you want to do all day?” I would have responded “dry sex and video games.” Maybe something about collectible card games if you caught me in the right month.

Now, I certainly was not unwillingly abstinent from dry sex for too long in my teenage years (thank you Cinco De Mayo pageant queens), and I harbor no grudges about teenagers being slow to give into their Font-related jean-on-jean urges. I get it. They were young and confused.

BUT. My point is this. When Moon explained what it actually was, I got confused, because that is like rank amateur shit. I was “leg hitching” in the back of my 1993 Buick Skylark before I was legal to drive it. It is not a complicated procedure. It is also not that uncommon.

It’s sort of like someone explaining to a pitcher what a curveball is. He’s almost going to get confused about what they’re talking about, because it’s so simple. What’s the big deal? Put your hand in the ‘C’ shape, twist and swing it over the corner of the plate. You’ve done it a thousand times before you got out of little league.

[Please appreciate how hard it was to not make a sex joke in the previous paragraph.]

All this to say! You are not really excited about Leg Hitching. You are excited about having a man desperately in love with you finally being willing to profess that love in a tangibly physical way. If there’s a takeaway for the legions of fourteen year old girls that I know read this blog daily: it’s that sex (even dry sex) matters.

None of the dudes you fall in love with is going to be as pretty as Edward, or have his literally rock hard abs. That is science. But they can love you the way that he does: not just cause you’re gonna give it up, or because he doesn’t like being alone, or because you’re a prop in the production that is his life.

And T&A is plentiful. There are always more nineteen year olds with tighter abs and thinner thighs, there’s always a new exciting girl with new noises and new things to say about how interesting your job/car/suit is.

But the SOUL, right? That stays. That’s eternal. You love a woman for something you can’t see, you’ll be there for awhile.

There’s an Edward out there for you. Some dude you’ll get excited about basic sex moves for. It’s worth separating the wheat from the chaff.

Yes, I actually wrote a post about the value of sex while using a vampire metaphor.

Until the next time someone says something dumb that upsets me,

The Font

Number one, let’s get mad at The Font for calling us 14 year old girls when clearly we don’t allow them here (although they occasionally sneak on. Hey little girl- Taylor Lautner probably likes boys now- you need to go on a Justin Bieber fan site.) Secondly, what do you think? Is The Font, gulp, right? Thirdly, do you like how I got carried away with all the motivational posters? Those are so addicting. Oh, and The Font thought of ALL of them!

Kinda think you might be crushin’ on “The Twilight Guy?” Read more from him

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

I still think of Twilight all.the.time…

Dear Twilight,

You ruined me in August of 2008 when I first discovered you and missed my week of vacation reading you. Then again in November of 2008 when I first watched you and spent the following days and weeks boo-hooing at my desk at work while listening to “Flightless Bird, American Mouth.” I can’t remember the year after that except I know I went to LA twice to do Twilight-related things and somehow I’ve ended up here, still thinking about Twilight.

I think about Twilight everytime I hear the word “Vancouver” (which these days is multiple times a day) The rest of the world might think “Olympics” but noooo a Twilight fan thinks “Where the Twilight cast filmed” and wonders if the city still holds the essence of the stars & the power of Stephanie Meyer. While I try to stay awake during watch bobsledding I think about how Nikki & Kristen gave Taylor his first puff of a cigarette (and Nikki probably gave him more) that one day when New Moon filming first started. And whenever they show the Olympic village on TV, I wonder if the “humans” got to have a tour last fall when they had some time off from shooting their 5 minutes worth of scenes. During their breaks did the cast get together for a little Twilight Cast & Crew Olympics? On the day that David Slade came by to see if he was gonna have to replace Taylor Lautner, did Chris Weitz invite him to battle him at “Director Chair Rowing?”

When I go to Florida & want a smoke, I’m smacked in the face with an anti-smoking ad that has a Twilight-feel

and I’m actually kinda regretting my switch from Verizon to At&t to drink the iPhone kool-aid

Now a vampire won’t love me?

I thought that at this point, well over a year after this obsession began, I wouldn’t be thinking Twilight around every corner. But a Chevy commercial featuring a red truck just came on the TV. No, it wasn’t a beat up car from the 60’s (50’s? I’m too lazy to google it), but nonetheless, I thought of Bella.

The best thing about LTT is that it’s a daily reminder that I am not alone (oh- and I’m a pretty expressive speaker and so every time I say something is not something- I ‘say’ it like Kristen said they are not bears)

Clicky for good times

Nella had a convo with her brother who thought an old classic was strikenly like Twilight…

The other night my brother and I were watching The Sound of Music. It’s been years I haven’t watched the movie since the very beginning, so I was fully enjoying the first scene where they show the mountains before we see Maria having the time of her life spinning and singing. And then my brother goes…”It looks like Twilight.” It took me, oh, like 0.0732 seconds to realize what he was talking about. ”O_O Shit, you’re right.” The mountains with snow, the trees, the green-ness, the valleys, new girl in a new place, kids in trees…Not only the intros but the entire movies could be related one another. We took a few minutes to lol, then my brother started on how a mash-up of the two movies would be. The Sound of Twilight. Our imaginations were overflowing. Bella singing ”the trees are alive with the sound of twilight” and stopping abruptly because Mother Superior Renee was texting her, she’s got a plane to catch. She arrives at the Von Cullen residence where she meets Edward Von Cullen and his seven children. She makes them play clothes with the tablecloths they never used and they go play vampire baseball (they’re not afraid of thunder) up in the hills. Edward and Bella wander off in a meadow, then Bella starts singing ”I am seventeen going on eighteen” and Edward answers back singing ”I am seventeen going on one-oh-eight”. Emmett discovers the Von Cullen’s singing skills and ask his brother Edward if he can get them to sing at the La Push Choirs Festival.

Two words (you know what they are) That’s Normal

Katiebird sent us an email saying her mind automatically goes to all-things-Twilight-Edward, every day, in every situation, and she can’t seem to make it stop:

So just last week, my hubby and I are walking from the parking garage, in the alley behind our building, to our new home in Chicago, and I notice that there are two large square black metal openings, that look like coal chutes, on the back of our building. That is what I am guessing, because that is how buildings in Chicago were heated a long time ago, and the city would deliver coal thru those openings to the furnaces below. There is a date inscribed on the openings that says 1906. My hubby notices as well, and says, “Hey, I think our building may have been built in the late 1800’s. That is so cool.” We are now walking up the back steps, and I accidently say out loud, “Wow, Edward wasn’t even a vampire yet, just a little boy.” Whoops, holy crap…. It just dawns on me, right then, that I am living in the city where Edward was born, and am thinking that was kind of cool, but did I really just say that out loud? My man, God love him, doesn’t miss a beat, and replies, “Oh yeah, that doesn’t happen until when? 1918?” What was that? Has he really been paying attention? He also moans and says, “God, why do I know that?!?!” I just laugh, and think to myself, “Man, I can’t believe that I just went there, and said it out loud.” All I can say, is that he is finally learning to just go with it, and at least not laughing in my face. If he only knew, how many times I relate things and situations to Twilight/Edward, and sometimes even Rob, he probably would have me committed.

And I know that’s not it. I know tomorrow morning something I hear on the radio on my drive into work will remind me of Twilight. Will it ever stop? (Do I want it to?)

Thinking of you, fondly,
UnintendedChoice

So I know we’re not the only ones. We get emails from you all daily because of something that reminded you of Twilight. Fess up- what are you thinking of these days!?

Thanks to Jenny-meiss & Luludee for sending in that Verizon commercial!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Stuff guys say about Twilight: The Sparkly version

blahblah

If only I could sparkle like Edward...

Dear women of LTT,

Has it seemed to you like guys are saying less and less about Twilight? My husband hasn’t said anything remotely sarcastic about it in weeks. Maybe it’s because the hype has died down a bit- it’s like the calm before the storm of New Moon hits. Or maybe *brilliant thought alert* our guys have seen the New Moon clips and are so impressed by the wolves and so unimpressed by Edward’s airbrushed abs that they’re re-thinking their mantra of “Must make fun of Twilight and sparkly vampires- no matter the cost.” And you know there are guys out there that have said, after seeing the clips of Edward shirtless (or finding your homemade, shirtless Edward bookmark in your Bible), “That’s it!? That’s what turns you on? Babe, give me two days to work off this Hot Pocket & Heineken gut, and I’ll show you something to get turned on about.” Right, that’s the same.

Anyway, to remind us of how much guys love to talk about how Edward sparkles & to get us excited for all the amazing things guys are going to say about New Moon, I’ve come across a few unshared stories about stuff guys say about Twilight. Can we start taking bets NOW on how long after New Moon is released it will be before we start hearing “I’ll show you a New Moon” while our guy bends over and pulls down his pants? Oh- today’s images brought to you by google image searching “Edward Sparkles”

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Seriously corpse-looking Edward: Any funny business and I'll say "Cookie."

Jennifer’s convo with her moisturized man:

So, I get up in the morning and shower for work and I notice that my last bottle of Caress Shimmering Body Lotion is nearly empty and propped upside down in the shower caddy. Well, I didn’t do that, so my first guess was that the husband did. *ahem*

So the next day, I made a quip about how my lotion was almost gone “The shimmery lotion …” I said, trying to make him feel gay for using glitter.

So he says, “It was the only lotion there was! I think you just wanted me to sparkle like Edward.”

During a recent viewing of Twilight, Twisted Larissa had the following conversation:

Boyfriend: Are you seriously watching this again?
Me: Shut up
Boyfriend: Why doesnt he just do her instead of flying across the room like a dumbass?
Me: He cant…its complicated…he loves her but the smell of her…
Boyfriend: Nevermind its gay. Plus he sparkles
Me: You wouldnt understand
Boyfriend
: I understand that the fag wont just do her, she obviously wants it
Me: Ugh why cant you be more like Edward
Boyfriend: Edward? Is that the cute shirtless indian?
Me: Who’s gay now?
And a Unicorn, who is potentially my uncle, shares his story:

hellnoDear LTT,

After months of prodding my wife “leveraged” me into reading Twilight by rewarding me for each chapter. Hell, for that I would read the entire Jane Austen collection. But I digress. As far as the Twilight series…let me sum it up:

  • Bella, annoying teenager that I don’t understand.
  • Edward, a girly vampire (did I mention he is very attractive and sparkles…it was pretty much a sub-plot of the book).
  • Jacob, seems like a cool hairy guy except for his obsession with Bella, but seems to be the only one that a real man would come close to relating to.

The books were a quick read and not all that bad, except for the 45 page tirades about how good Edward looked, or how good he smelled, or how good of a person he was, or how noble he was, or …you get the point. So other than that, the 25 remaining pages of Twilight were tolerable. I just still do not understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, I tried rubbing glitter all over my body to see if it would make me more attractive during a recent trip to the park. I am of Scandanavian decent so I already have the paleness! All I got was a lot of curious stares…perhaps I should have used more hairgel. That must have been the problem.

At any rate, I told my wife that I would gladly escort her to the New Moon premiere as long as I can write “Team Jacob” down my arms and debate with teenage girls about the merits of why Edward is a virus carrying pedophile.

Sincerely,
A pale Sparkly Team Jacob Member

This Unicorn’s email address said his name was the same as my uncles. I had a panic attack. Seriously. His email address even looked like my uncles. So I wrote him back saying this:

Dear Team Jacob member who has the same name as my uncle & is really creeping me out that you might actually be my uncle so if you happen to have 3 children & live in Pennsylvania let’s just keep this between us. At thanksgiving I won’t mention Team Jacob & you don’t mention knowing I lust over Rob Pattinson. Capiche?,

Hugs… see ya at Mom-moms,
UC

So is it just my guy who has stopped talking about Twilight!? What have your guys talked about lately? Oh, and Bobbygee– we’re counting on you to give us something good today!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

After the jump, find out who won our cafe-press T-shirt contest! Continue reading

Unicorns: Where’ve ya been?

Rob-icorn

Rob-icorn

Dear Unicorns,

Oh where oh where have you been? Are you in unicorn land poking all the hottest female unicorns with your horn? It’s been so long since we’ve come across one of you reading Twilight to your son on a plane or wearing an Edward Cullen T-shirt to the gym. We miss you. Come back & visit us. Be like these guys:

Not Proper Twitiquette (but possibly okay during a Unicorn Drought)

A few weeks ago, I was at the local grocery chain, doing my weekly shopping. On my way out the door, I crossed paths with what I could only describe as a walking cry for help. A middle-aged, nerdy, rather-greasy man walked into the store, displaying his Twi-love for all to see. He wore a black Edward t-shirt, complete with quote, “What if I’m the bad guy?” His wife, walking in beside him, strangely had no Twi-gear on (unless she also keeps her Edward pin affixed to her bra). As you discussed, THIS is not proper Twitiquette. -Ldawg

Jacob’s into cars n’ stuff

Onto my Unicorn-in-Training story. After many months of plotting, I was finally able to convince my hub to just give the first book a try. Oh, it took many discussions on the merits of a teen, vampire romance as a metaphor for first love, forbidden fruit, all the rest. And a promise of some…erm…reward at the end if he finished it.

So, it was slow-going at first, but to my surprise, he actually seemed to be enjoying it; to the point when at night if I tried to talk to him in bed he told me, “honey, I need to read a bit.” Wow! Occasionally I’d get questions like, “What is Bella’s problem? One day she’s mooning over Edward, the next she’s pissed at him!” I even got, “Are they going to do more with Jacob in the others books? I really like how he’s into cars and stuff.”

When he finished the book, we had a truly meaningful discussion on it, and although he told me not to get my hopes up, he said he’s actually interested to see what happens next! Am I a lucky gal or what?! –Ldawg

Read more after the jump Continue reading

Stuff guys say about Twilight and about me meeting Rob

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

This unicorn needs to call me. I need new content

Dear LTTers,

I have a confession to make. After 6 and 1/2 months of blogging at least once a day about Twilight-related stuff, sometimes it’s difficult to come up with content. So occasionally….. I force it. I’ll check my favorite Twilight Saga blogs: NewMoonMovie or TwiCrackAddict and read a headline like “Solomon Trimble: coming to a K-mart near you” and run to my husband and say “Great news! Solomon Trimble, the guy who played Sam (we think) in Twilight but didn’t get rehired b/c he wasn’t studly enough, is gonna be folding sheets in the Martha Stewart section in the Kmart up in Qtown.” Then I wait. What used to happen is that my husband would say something funny. Then I’d say “YES!” and quickly run to draft up a post on my computer. But he’s caught on. He no longer responds to me whenever I mention anything Twilight-related (However, he does respond whenever I mention Rob. He says “He’s a tool”)

So me catching “stuff guys say about Twilight” hasn’t been happening as naturally as it once did. However, it’s been my lucky week because I’ve just captured 3 gems:

1. My friend Jen e-mailed me a little story about the guy who sits next to her at work. He heard on the radio that Rob’s abs were airbrushed on in the New Moon Volterra scene and was appalled. Then this conversation happened between Jen, a girlfriend & her guyfriend:

Girlfriend: (saying to Jen) Hey Arizona, how you likin’ the rain? (UC Note: I can’t even count the number of ‘arizona how you likin’ the rain’ and ‘forks-like weather’ references I’ve heard recently in Pennsylvania. It hasn’t stopped raining for a month)
Guyfriend
: What are you girls talking about?
Jen
: Twilight
Guyfriend
: Oh geez. Yeah, rain…I hope he gets caught in the rain and it washes his airbrushed abs off. Maybe I’ll airbrush 3 extra feet on myself (Jen note: Joe is 5’4″ tall)

See what else guys say after the jump! Continue reading