Some suggestions for New Moon

Dear Chris Weitz,

I know you’re knee-deep in New Moon editing & have probably come across some scenes that are just “lacking” something- they need a little pizazz (and I’m talking about something more than a dance off between Newton & Yorkie in the cafeteria- although that would rule- thank me in the credits)

As a professional vampire blogger, I’ve spent way too much time watching Twilight, studying the art of Catherine Hardwicke’s directing (ahem) & making fun of things that suck, so I have some suggestions on how to ensure your movie provides us countless things to “break down” in the months following its release.  You may have to hire some new people and bring a few principle actors back in to shoot a few new scenes, but trust- it’ll be worth it.

Recreating “Spider-Monkey”

Psst Kristen, watch out! Chris Hansen is coming for you

I know you’re not as quirky as the cougar & may want to keep the line writing in the hands of the screen-writer, but I think you can trust your young actors with no writing experience to pick their own lines. Catherine let Rob choose the wonderful line “hold on tight, spider monkey,” and look how well that went over with fans. So I think you should let Taylor choose a line this time around. You can just bring him in the studio for some audio overdubs & have Jacob say one of the following to Bella right before the almost kiss (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)

“Hold on tight you little puppy”
“I’m gonna lick you now”
“FETCH… my lips”
“Arizona, how you likin’ my lips girl?”
“I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”

The Mike Newton Shine


Newton & Yorkie dance off Take 1

I hope the reason you decided to switch from Catherine’s gray & blue Forks world to a vibrant warm brown-toned one was because the blue grays couldn’t contain the joy Mike Newton brings to the screen.  For New Moon, I highly suggest even more Newton & Yorkie screen time. Bring them back into the studio. Maybe you can incorporate a scene of banter between just them- perhaps a discussion on who has the better rack- Rosalie Hale or Jessica Stanley. And Chris, don’t disappoint- If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake every time he sees Bella walk into Newton Outfitters looking like depressed death, I’m gonna demand my money back. Mike is kinda a dumb jock (minus the jock part) and obviously doesn’t know how to be sensitive about the depression Bella is in, so he needs to be unintentionally insensitive. Why not throw in a “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”

The new Buttcrack in Town

RIP Buttcrack Santa vs.   Tequila Tom

You really need to give your audience a reason to connect with a character. Catherine did this perfectly with the introduction of Buttcrack Santa.  Sadly, that connection was cut short with his unfortunate death while singing a song about mama making a kitty ‘meow.’  Who’s gonna be the one who connects with us this time around? I’ll tell you who- Tequila Tomás- the Mexican immigrant who serves as an uber stereotypical character (cuz Mike Newton, the handsome white boy who holds a basketball and hits on the new girl, isn’t stereotypical enough)

Catherine kicked us off with a stereotypeHer ‘creepy guy who volunteers as Santa during the holidays in hopes that the teenage girls sit on his lap in short skits’ was okay, but Tequila Tomás, the only Mexican in a town of 3,120 who serves as the local landscaper, bus boy at the diner AND plays in a Mariachi band every other Friday night down at the VFW, is the way to go.  I have a really good feeling about his ability to connect with the audience.

I’m not exactly sure what the storyline should be. Maybe Bella goes to the diner alone & he comes over to clear her plate and looks in her eyes and says “Bella,” and she takes it as a sign that he’s the one who will listen to her sorrows. When in fact he was just being a creepy older guy and telling her she was “bella”- beautiful in Spanish.  But they bond & he offers to trim her bushes for free (again Bella misinterprets) & a friendship begins.  Of course you’ll need to kill him off- this will really ensure we connect with poor Tequila Tomás. Maybe he can die an ironic death after binge drinking tequila when he realizes Bella isn’t falling for him- or perhaps you don’t kill him off & just help us sympathize with him. Maybe he loses a leg in a lawn mower accident.  I’m not sure what’s a better storyline- let Taylor, with his new-found screenwriting abilities, make that decision.

Just a couple tips from an experienced vampire blogger to help you finalize New Moon. You’re welcome. All I ask in return is that you slip Moon & I a few tickets to the premiere in November & slip me a certain someone’s hotel room….. (I’ve always liked Mariachi bands…..)


Make up funny jokes about Tequila Tomas on The Forum
Call Moon a Rob-ulance over on LTR

Screenshots via LionandLambLove
Buttcrack Santa & Tequila Tomas from my personal collection (aka google image)

96 Responses

  1. Buttcrack Santa in Spanish? Santa grieta del extremo.

  2. OMG you are so freakin’ funny. I just spat out my garden burger reading this.

    I have been waiting for your letter all morning – as it is 1.30pm here and you just made the worse day of the summer ( where I had 2 Muse tickets for an intimate gig which went on sale at 9.00am this morning and then lost them due to my internet connection) so much better.

    Off to play the how many times can the cougar say “cool” or “neat” on the extras DVD drinking game – hey the sun’s over the yard arm here.

    • The advantages of reading the day’s LTT/LTR on GMT… much more acceptable to enjoy with a drink or three. Mine’s a vodka diet coke 😉

    • it’s totally normal that i thought of the rob/hayley interview when you said you were eating a garden burger and he talks about dragging a burger through the garden.

      i win! normal of the day award

      • Love the garden burger thing, was way too excited when I saw it the first time and realised he says my RL name (even if it was in the context of vegetarian cuisine).

        Also loving that when I read that comment to my friend just now (out loud) I giggled when I said rob ‘stroke’ hayley.

    • EWWWWW garden burgers are disgust! Any snooch, I will never acknowledge another santa again unless his name is preceeded by the words butt crack. Go see why new moon is bad for you at

  3. Tequila Tomas: “Maybe he can die an ironic death after binge drinking tequila when he realizes Bella isn’t falling for him”

    BAHAHAHA maybe there can be a part where he’s drinking the tequila and the song “Tequila makes her clothes fall off” is playing in the background and he’s imagining Bella… wait no it would be better if he’s imagining Rob, er I mean Edward with his clothes falling off

  4. “If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake every time he sees Bella walk into Newton Outfitters looking like depressed death, I’m gonna demand my money back.”
    Hahahahaha … srsly Chris -> make him say this…e-v-e-r-y time.

    Thank god Bella was working at Newton Outfitters in New Moon. Imagine having to watch Jacob dragging along Eeyore for two hours.

    I’m definitely in for some good old Newton fun and ethnic minorities clichés. Make us proud Chris!

    • “Thank god Bella was working at Newton Outfitters in New Moon. Imagine having to watch Jacob dragging along Eeyore for two hours.”

      Bwhahahaha you called Bella, Eeyore. Effing Brill.

  5. LOL at “Just want to try one thing. . . Sit. Good Bella”


    But I have to admit – I don’t hate the spider monkey line like you guys do. I think it is cute. I mean, it comes out of Rob’s mouth. My standards for that are low – perhaps non-existent

    • I involuntarily flinch every time I hear that spider monkey line…it makes me squirm, and not in a good way.

      Pleease God I hope they stuck with the book for NM.

      • I SO agree. Before I found the wonderful land of LTR where intelligent and hilarious women roam free, I kept finding all these blogs that said they LIKED that line. And I thought I was alone in the world of wishing they’d stuck to the books…

        Granted, most of those blogs were written like: “ZOMG teh Spiider Monnkeyyy line is so0o0o cuteeeee!!11!!1” so I should’ve known better than to think that the “normal” fans actually liked that nonsense…

        • I know-LTR is so refreshing in its snarkiness…I love being able to roam free and be snarky here.<3

          Seriously I cried happy tears when I found LTR.

      • The “spider-monkey” line doesn’t bother me as much as the awkwardness of “mah monkey-man” by Rosalie. Like she has so few lines, and that’s one of them?

    • i gave you a thumbs up for honesty and low-standards 🙂

  6. I think they just need to work in more ethnic kids. Forks is kinda the Noah’s Ark of the PNW, except that there is only one of each denomination. We have the African American, the Asian, the Rastafarian, the Hispanic.. Where’s the Hawaiian kid? The Indian girl in a sari? The Viking? The Egyptian?

    Step up, Chris! Forks, WA is the great melting pot!

  7. Damn UC, you BROUGHT it today!

    I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. I normally laugh a lot at your posts. But this morning, it was spit out the almond butter whole wheat toast bite out as I am trying not to snort it out my nose funny!

    Arizona, how you likin’ my lips girl?
    Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?

    Golden. Classic. Epic win!

    Thanks for staring my weekend off with lmao!

  8. Dude! I’m so grateful for professional vampire bloggers. Now there is a sentence I probably never thought I would say in my lifetime. But srsly, I hope C.W. takes you up on your advice UC. You’re not a professional vampire blogger for nothing! Geez, what was Chris Weitz doing last Dec when you and Moon were spear heading this bad boy??? Exactly!

  9. No, don’t let Taylor chose his lines, they will be too smart for the rest of the movie. In recent interviews the guy sounds over intellectual bordering on annoying.
    / New NM trailer /

    • So. True. He’s the youngest, and yet the most serious/well-spoken among all of them!

    • It’s called media preparedness. I agree. He obviously over studied.

      There is something interesting about the notion that the only teenagers on the planet to seem unaffected by manic joy of Twilight…are the Twilight actors. 🙂

  10. LOL!
    Was feeling a bit gloomy but this has definitely cheered me up 😀

    Thanks chicas.


  11. “Psst Kristen, watch out! Chris Hansen is coming for you” That made me laugh really hard!

    “I’m gonna lick you now.” Bril! I’m sure he did to.

    “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?” LMAO

    Okay, I just looked at the new buttcrack Santa while answering the phone at work and I answered with a laugh. I’m so getting fired! LOL!

    “don’t disappoint- If we don’t hear Mike say “You’re alivveeee” with his famous Newton fist shake…”
    I thought that scene was sooooooooo stupid.

    BTW I thought you would put “it’s la push baby” too up here

    I hate that stupid spidermonkey thing bleeeeh.
    Nice post!

  13. So, I’m sitting here at the mechanics and angry that I’m late for my weekend roadtrip(which was my fault). ‘Why not read some LTT? Ah, sure. It’ll pass the time.’ I thought to myself. Now, I sit here, embarrassed, because I just let out the loudest laughing snort while trying to read this entry. Thanks guys for helping me look like a looney (like I need any help). This just might be my favorite entry ever!

  14. I thought that Mexican dude was Chuey from Chelsea Lately.

    Now THAT would be a character I could totally relate with…and how AWESOME would he be? He could even sit on a boat and recreate the “Mama make a kitty meow” scene.

    Victoria feels like she needs more spice in her life.

  15. You know what? FORGET this romance between Bella and Edward. Let’s explore the forbidden and controversial love shared by Newton and Yorkie. TEAM YORKTON! (or Newkie — your choice)

    P.S. UC, seriously, one of the funniest posts I’ve read to date. If those steamy pictures of Rob over on LTR hadn’t already killed me dead, I would’ve laughed myself straight into the grave with today’s letter… ❤ you.

  16. Wow, today’s post: gold!

    I’m absolutely down with giving Mike and Eric more screen time. I especially hope Mike gets some good one liners this time around too. We’ve come to expect it, haven’t we?


    “I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”
    “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”

    And also again:

    LOVE the idea of Tequila Tomás.. his picture is awesome, too.

  17. LMAO I’m dying here. He should make Tequila say “Well, hello there” when he meets Bella like buttcrack said to Victoria. Win!

  18. Buttcrack Santa…I think they mad a huge mistake killing him off.

    Why not resurrect him? Pretend the whole morgue scene never happened, and James and Victoria changed him- pervy evil vamp Buttcrack Santa.

    • Ooorrrr… really resurrect him and introduce Buttcrack Santa Zombie! I mean, you’ve already got vampires and werewolves running around – a zombie wouldn’t be that big of a stretch?

  19. Kibbles and bits and bits and bits ..

    just work it in somewhere.. 😉

  20. I wish you could see my posts as they take place. They’re not funny. Seriously. this post as of 11:45pm really sucked. Ask Moon- she had to hear me bitch about how I had nothing funny to say. Then.. Tequila Tomás came to me in a vision. And saved the day.

    I love Tequila Tomás. I wish you could hear me say it. I say it just like I say ‘Speedy Gonzales’

    Thanks for making me laugh in the comments. I need to laugh today x

    • And that is why professional vampire blogging is your “calling”. Inspiration like this doesn’t just come to ANYONE.

  21. “die an ironic death”
    Tequila Tomas=awesome and Chuy for the win!

    you are so freakin funny

  22. If that almost kiss is in fact a real kiss, I will end up punching whomever is sitting next to me in the theatre IN THE FACE, i’ll be so livid.. No kissing between Jacob and Bella.. Bad Chris Weitz, time out for you.

    I loveddd this btw..
    “I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”
    LMAO, just picturing KStew doing that

    • I don’t know aside from the fact that he looks like a tall 11yr old,…. I do mean ASIDE from that…. the visuals of the kiss are pretty genius down to the negative shape their lips make.

    • I don’t know aside from the fact that he looks like a tall 11yr old,…. I do mean ASIDE from that…. the visuals of the kiss are pretty genius down to the negative shape their lips make. I kind of want to see an abbreviated version of it in New Moon…. a trailer as of coming attractions, as it were. Then we can get the full feature in Eclipse. Story wise it would make for a much more powerful moment when she leaves him to save his Holy Hawtness!

  23. “I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella”

    I just stopped laughing!… and now I’m laghing again!

  24. Rosalie Hale has a better rack, for sures.

    Legal in Georgia could totally be a screenwriter, I mean really have you heard him interviewed!!??

    I love the post and I love you!

    PS. My hubbester and I got into a heated discussion about the wolves last night! He says they are looking too fake. I say they look better than I was expecting, but am I biased because of their human hottness!? I am confused. What has Twilight done to me?

    • I agree with your hubby, I think the wolves look is hoping they sort that out before the release..but then again..I kind of liked some of the cheesy bits of you know maybe it will work.

      • Yeah, he said he was a guy and he knows these things! Yeah right!! I think I was just blinded by Taycob’s hotness and bothered that I found Taycob hot in the first place.

        I love the cheese too! If we didn’t have Buttcrack Santa and “It’s so La Push” then where would we be.

        You and my hubbs are probably right, but I will not tell him this because then he would win the argument and we can’t have that! 😉

        • Had this convo with a friend the other day – I said the same thing about them being better than I was expecting. I don’t think it’s solely because the human wolfpack is studtacular though… Let’s be honest: the special effects, makeup, etc, in Twilight were FAR from state of the art, let alone convincing half the time. So I was expecting/fearing some Scooby Doo looking wolves… From what I’ve seen so far, they’ve made some serious improvements in those departments and everything (wolves included) looks far better than what I was anticipating!

          • Scooby-Doo looking wolves! We can only hope!;)

            Srsly, I hope we are not disappointed, but I have a bad feeling. I don’t think I have ever waited so long for a movie to come out in my whole life. I am such a teenager sometimes!;)

  25. This was hilarious! Thank you so much for the laughs. You guys are truly genius. I mean right up there with Buttcrack Santa.

  26. “Arizona- How you likin’ your tears, girl?”

    HAHA! ouch.

    They should turn New Moon into a zombie movie. They could call it New Flesh or something.

    No no, really, I think I’ve got something here. Bella’s depression is so extreme that it manifests itself as a disease that actually turns her into a zombie as well as those who hear her stutter. The werewolves are immune to the effect but can Jacob stop the spread before all of Forks is ravaged while protecting Bella from his werewolf friends?

    Will Edward want her back when he sees her eating the flesh of humans… or will the consumption of Erik and Mike only fuel his love for her?

  27. (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)-yes, it will be me.

    “I’m gonna lick you now”-I vote for this one.

    (and I’m talking about something more than a dance off between Newton & Yorkie in the cafeteria- although that would rule- thank me in the credits)-Brilliant! I so wanna see that!

    Another hilarious post! I was just watching the Twilight DVD extra’s last night and I though to myself, for all the fun I have mocking ‘the cougar’, she did do at tleast two things right. She casted Rob as Edward and she put ‘Let Me Sign’ in at the perfect moment. That song seriously saves that ridiculously awful moment of Bella’s seizure while Edward’s feasting on her arm.

  28. “Hold on tight you little puppy”
    “I’m gonna lick you now”
    “FETCH… my lips”

    Good lord of lords! While those lines are freakin hilarious they simultaneously made my stomach toss.

    Would u care to elaborate on: (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)? Because when I saw that snippet shot in the trailer I gasped, audibly. Because while I’m pro-Edward all the way, it got me a teensy bit excited but I know it’s wrong!

  29. Oh, these are real gems today.. Twilight is such a pinata!! And so are you guys! 🙂

    “I just wanna try one thing…. Sit. Good Bella” LMFAO!!

    “Sadly, that connection was cut short with his unfortunate death while singing a song about mama making a kitty ‘meow.’ ” – Cathy probably let him choose out of 5 possible songs to sing 🙂 She’s so supportive of her cast’s choices..

    And seriously, Bella is so not creative.. Depression of that magnitude, I would be wasted 24/7.. And Tequila Tomas could be her drinking buddy and have a Mariachi Wednesday just for her.. Who needs that puppy anyway?
    Good times..
    Oh and it just crossed my mind, while reading New Moon I couldn’t help but not find comical Steph’s descriptions of Bella’s chest holes.. And feeling like Swiss cheese at one point put me over the edge 🙂 This definitely has potential..

  30. Oh and I forgot to add that those Edward apparitions would be so much more intense had she just remembered to become an alcoholic.. Every time she’s about to have another shot there’s Ed right beside her going: “Bella, don’t. Bella, you promised – no alcohol.”

  31. Dear CW,
    In honor of the lines we must hear in NM, I want to also point out the things we must SEE in NM. Srsly. You can’t make a follow up to the blue-drenched, male-lipstick-wearing cheesefest that was CH’s Twilight without including plenty of – you guessed it – STARING scenes.
    So, here’ s a few for you to consider:
    Bella goes to work at Newton’s. She stares forlornly at a rack of fishing poles. Cut to super duper close up of Mike Newton staring at the back of Bella’s head, looking lovesick. Cut again to Bella, staring at the poles. Mike. Bella, Mike. Bella. Preferably with some funky background music that sounds like something I found in the bargain bin of one of those annual strip mall Halloween stores that only exists between Sept. 15 and Nov. 3.
    Next, Alice comes back to check on Bella after cliffdiving and they get comfy cozy on the couch after dog boy leaves in a huff to look for some Kibbles and a Hustler to satiate his hunger and relieve himself after getting NOWHERE with Bells again. Alice’s eyes are black with hunger. Alice, “I’d forgotten how nice you smell,” staring at Bella’s neck. Bella, super close up on her red blotchy eyes from all the crying she’s done in the movie so far, “Oh! Sorry Should I go sit somewhere else?” Alice, now staring at Bella’s, ear through her awesomely thick extensions, “No. I’m fine. I think I’ll go hunt.” Close ups b/t the two while Black Magic Women plays.
    Remember, CW. Cougar Cathy set our expectations. There must be lots of staring! Sometimes, it’s all in what ya’ don’t say.

  32. And Tequila Tomas is the only one in Forks who could see him, too.

    I’ll shut up now. 🙂

  33. You will see me lose my shiz if that “almost kiss” becomes a full-on kiss. And by “lose my shiz,” I mean when they give me that “one call,” you or Moon better answer. And bring bail money.

  34. (Oh by the way, if that’s not an almost kiss, you might wanna hold on to the family jewels. Cuz someone will cut them off if you let that kiss happen)

    Laughing cause you know it’s SOOOOO true!

    What’s that?? Chris Weitz just went sliding into the editing room… saying what??

    “Cut the kiss, cut the God Damn kiss!”

    smart man 🙂

  35. I’m going to bet $1 that we’ll get another fabulous disposable character in the next movie…i mean someone has to die and be mistakenly eaten by oversized wolves.

    UC, love, brilliant.

    Miss you today. Sigh.

  36. LOVE this post so much, you have no idea.

    buttcrack santa, newton and yorkie are in my top 3 movie characters.

    chris weitz better listen to you.

    p.s.: haha jailbait.

  37. Rob needs to make an appearence soon.

    Or I have a feeling millions of women world wide will go batshit crazy by this Sunday from withdrawls…

    When you got moon/uc blogging about the recreation of buttcrack santa, spider monkey and the mike newton shrine…..

    You know you’ve got very little time.

    Hasta la oye veh!

  38. it’s funny that last night I watched (or should I say listened to) the director’s commentary last night – I nearly died when CH said that *Rob* picked the damn spider monkey line. I mean, wtf?

    The way CH talked through the whole thing, all I heard was “Bitch, bitch, bitch, weather was crap”, “Bitch bitch bitch we had soooo much to do this day”, and “I’m a cougar surrounded by male jail-bait, woohoo!”.
    It sounded like while she sort of had plans, she didn’t really have Plans for the movie, and made a lot of it up while she went along.
    Yes, you want to give your actors some artistic licence with their scenes, but she seemed to have completely forgotten that she was meant to be adapting a (very popular and well loved) novel, not making shiz up as she felt like it!

    I’m sure you’ve all discussed this to death in the past and I’m just late to the party, but I had to vent! And here is as good a place as any, as I was thinking exactly what is lying under all of UC’s fabulous sarcasm – Chris Weitz better not screw this up! I really enjoy New Moon, I want it to be if not good, at least not quite so 2nd hand embarrassing!

  39. […] gonna post a picture of Buttcrack Santa singing “Friends are Friends forever” with Tequila Tomas, but I’m being serious) because we received a letter that touched us so deeply that it […]

  40. […] only sad he had to die because who else will we talk about in all the other movies? Hopefully Tequila Tomas makes it into the final […]

  41. […] Characters will be ADDED (Please God let there be a New Moon equivalent of Buttcrack Santa (Tequila Tomas is a viable option)) ACCEPT it NOW! You WILL be cock-blocked like in the book. Edward and Bella […]

  42. […] Mexican right? (His name IS Pancho). We did a whole bit about a mexican Twilight character- Tequila Tomas. We didn’t even think of Steph’s poor hubby. Why didn’t Patrón Pancho come to […]

  43. […] by unintendedchoice We love the Twilight supporting cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even if they were […]

  44. […] I must get back to my vacationing in the land of Tequila Tomas (he says hi). As Twilight follows me EVERYWHERE, I’m sure I will come home regaling you with […]

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