Letter to Stephenie Meyer: Bree- really?

Upon hearing the news that Stephenie Meyer wrote a book about Bree, @Brookelockart, Moon & myself quickly began an email conversation to speculate what was UP with this news. Brookie was inspired to write THIS letter:

Wait.. is this a joke?

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think the next installment to the Twilight Saga would be a Novella about Bree – a new born flailing and screaming vamp that came oh so close to getting a second chance and a new diet, but met a slightly anticlimactic ending at the hands of the Volturi.

Steph, (can I call you Steph?) I believe I just made Bree 10 times more exciting than she actually was in Eclipse. I understand the purpose she served in the series; it not only showed Bella the true nature of a new born vampire, it set up expectations for the reader, so when Bella is changed she is remarkably different. So there it is. Purpose served. Why in Hale would you need to give her a back story?  When I read on your site that you wrote The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner: An Eclipse Novella, I stared at my screen for a good 30 seconds just dumbfounded (and wondered if you were a Full House fan – How RUDE!). Then I mumbled under my breath, “What about Midnight Sun?!”

I took my frustrations to twitter, where the fandom was agitated. Thank god I follow some hilarious, snarky people. The tweets sparked my imagination about all the 3rd tier characters that I really never ever want you to write about any more than a blip in that elusive Twilight Series Guide (Yeah, December 2008, my ass). Just so we are clear, here are all the future titles we never want to see appear on your site:

  • The Lauren Mallory Diaries (thanks MasenVixen for that gem)
  • Cougartown: Mrs. Cope can’t help herself
  • The Untold Story of Lee Stephens, a fainting teenage boy
  • Fever Pitch – Renee and Phil’s love story
  • Surf’s Up: Rebecca Black escapes to Hawaii
  • A Pack Life: Jared does Sam’s bidding
  • How to Price Gouge on the Olympic Peninsula – A John Dowling Handbook
  • Austin, Connor and Ben – Nerds Unite! (this would be The Font and White Yorkie’s fav)

"Hi, I'm Bree." WHO!?

I’m hoping, Steph, that you get the point. I know these characters may fascinate you, but really all we want is Midnight Sun. There’s something that I’ve been dying to address with you…I’ve heard rumors that in writing New Moon, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn that you lost Edward’s voice. You fell in love with Jacob and could no longer give us a story from Edward’s perspective. Stephenie Meyer, I accuse you of being Team Jacob and the only way to prove your innocence is to finish Midnight Sun. This Bree story is insulting. I’m sorry, I do get easily distracted, but there’s no way that a Bree story will fulfill my need for Edward. GIVE ME MORE EDWARD.

Now once Midnight Sun is completed and I’ve read it 6 times, I will find it acceptable for you to write about the following:

  • Edward Cullen – New Moon, well actually I’ve read the Fan Fic, “Dark Side of the Moon” and have convinced myself that this is what you would have written if you were Team Edward. So no rush on this Novella.
  • Leah Clearwater – Who wouldn’t want to know more about this strong-willed shape shifter? She has a tragic love story and finally finds some reprieve when she leaves Sam’s pack. Will she imprint? Will she ever be able to have kids? Will she ever learn to like the Cullens?
  • Edward Cullen – Leg Hitch, nuff said.
  • Emmett Cullen – We got a Jasper and Rosalie back story, but poor lovable Emmett is left out. Emmett needs his time to shine!
  • Edward Cullen – Please, please, please, please write Isle Esme from his perspective and for Pete’s sake, NO FADE TO BLACK.

Let’s recap: No one cares about Bree, do NOT write any more novellas about minor characters, FINISH MIDNIGHT SUN, then give us Honeymoon Edward. Is it really too much to ask??

Your faithful fan and Team Edward Captain,

Brooke

PS That was noon on June 5th, right? *marks calendar*

Who else has June 5th marked on their calendar? And are you just gonna download the book for FREE or will you actually shell out some moolah to read it? And seriously…. BREE!? What are your thoughts!?

We’re gonna pound this one in your head. Don’t forget to check out The LTT Biggest Loser on The Forum

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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Why “The Hillywood” show is better than Twilight and New Moon combined

Dear Catherine Hardwicke & Chris Weitz,

We love you Chris only– you know that, but…. well, you got outdone. By some amateurs with one camera. And a budget much smaller than you had.

Seriously, did you see the acting? It’s better than in both your movies combined. Hilly (aka Bella) brought us TEARS- real, actual tears.

And did you SEE the character of Jacob? Were we actually applauding Taylor Lautner for gaining weight and putting on muscle? This guy (aka Kyle Dayton- who I have since google stalked for many hours) seems to have a naturally amazing body and quite possibly a hotter face than Taylor Lautner. OR maybe it’s just because he’s probably older than 17 that I think that. Either way- WIN ALL AROUND!

Remember how I mentioned how I like the Bella that is with Jacob? I said how I love Bella with Edward because obviously they’re meant to be, but I kinda wish Bella could be split in two and be with Jake too? Well, the Hillywood girls have BAD BELLA aka Bella with Jake DOWN!! The leather pants? The rockstar attitude? The dark make-up? It was hot. I have a major crush on Hilly Hindi

And did you notice FUTURE Bella & Edward? They weren’t Anne-of-Green Gables fail. They were hot, attractive, and the dress was gorgeous- just like they should have been in New Moon. I am now convinced Bella can be attractive as a vampire. Before… not so much.

The Sparkles!?!- They RULED IT. While Chris you did a MUCH better job than Catherine, it turns out it wasn’t THAT difficult… all the Hillywood people did was use SPARKLY make-up. Duh! Even I could’ve told you that! And Jasper’s wig? While it’s totally still atrocious it was much less so than in New Moon! I think you need to contact those girls about their wig hook-up before Breaking Dawn starts shooting.

There is so much that is SPOT ON! The Tweed! The Grandpa shoes! The Purple (purple’s cool) on the bed!  Hilly rocks the attitude Bella should’ve had! Edward LEFT her! Cut down that Edward/Bella tree girl!

Everyone knows I’ve never been impressed with the chemistry between Edward & Bella from the movie. It has nothing to do with Robsten- I thought that from my first viewing. But in THIS parody? The chemisty between THEIR Edward & Bella? Aka Jacob Jost & Hilly Hindi? I’m ‘shipping Josttly or Hillcob or Jacly now. HARDCORE.

If you’re still not convinced at how much we loved this parody, read Moon’s reaction after the jump! Continue reading

Something’s Different: No more new Twilight fans?

This is my Monday night date. You should SEE who I get on Thursdays..

Dear LTTers,

Something feels different. No, I don’t mean it’s been awhile since Ashley Greene was caught with some sort of Hollywood party boy (although it has been) nor do I mean that I haven’t cracked a joke about KStew’s mullet in awhile (although that’s true too). I just mean that this year, with the recent release of New Moon, feels quite different than last year after the release of Twilight. I can’t really put my finger on it exactly, but so far I’ve come up with this: Everyone is already a Twilight fan! Yes, my friends, Twilight has saturated the market. There are no new fans to be found. There is no one left who hasn’t tried out the books/movies and hated it (let’s burn them) or devoured the books in 36 hours and spent the next few months watching every clip ever mentioning “The Twilight Saga” online. It’s gotten as big as it’s going to get. Or…… has it? We received this letter the other day that had me questioning why I think something feels different:

Dear Twilight,

It’s been just over a month since that fateful Thursday, November 12, when I picked up my reserved copy of Twilight at my local library and finally started reading the first book of your saga. I was merely curious as to what was causing all of the hype and why my sister-in-law’s ideal man was named Edward Cullen. I figured with the movie, New Moon, coming out in a couple of weeks, now would be a good time to read this curiously popular book. I didn’t expect to stay up until 2am reading the first 375 pages, only forcing myself to bed because of work obligations the next morning. As I drifted off to sleep that night, my mind swirled with thoughts of Edward, Bella and the rest of the intriguing inhabitants of Forks, WA. The next day at work I was thankful that it was a Friday, but even more so I was excited to go (rush) home and finish the remaining pages of Twilight. I cracked open a bottle of red wine, broke off a piece of Ghirardelli’s Twilight Delight dark chocolate (I couldn’t resist!) and finished reading the remaining pages of Twilight. And so it began…

In all truth, I didn’t expect to like you. I didn’t expect to love you so much, re-reading you multiple times while awaiting my hold for New Moon to be filled at the library. Like so many others before me (apparently), I voraciously read the remainder of the saga in the next two weeks (only taking so long due to the wait at the library).

I can’t quite explain my new infatuation with you, and to be honest, my husband, at first, was a bit confounded, fearing that he would come home one day to find me all gothed-out and wearing white makeup. I assured him I had no desire to be a vampire. I don’t want to be Bella. I just love the characters and the inexplicable way it makes me feel when I read their story.

The saga is now #1 on my Christmas list this year, along with the special edition DVD.

Does her story sound familiar? Just maybe a year after yours? Read on after the jump! Continue reading

What LTT has meant to me: From the mouths of our ‘fanbase’

2nd- post of the day alert! We asked a select few people to write a few words about what LTT/LTR has meant to them over the past year. Today we hear from two of our first 3 commenters! Staring with Christa- who we still lovingly refer to as “our fanbase” (anyone know what that is from!?)

Dear UC and Themoonisdown,

I can’t thank you enough for the last year. I’ve been laughing with you ever since I found you a year ago. Real Life has been calling lately and I haven’t been around as much, but I sneak back whenever I can to catch up on my TwiLOLz. You really are the best!

I wanted to write something funny and really hit one out of the park for you, but I find myself feeling a bit sentimental as I write this, so I’m going to tell you what I love about you. How do I love LTT? Let me count the ways.
  1. I love that when I am down, all I have to do is go to LTT or LTR for a laugh. You have never let me down.
  2. I love that when I found you I thought, “These girls are a riot. I hope they keep writing.” Not only have you kept it up, but I have gotten to watch your site grow beyond my wildest expectations.
  3. I love that after a year you’re still posting all things Twilight and keeping it fresh. That’s talent!
  4. I love that you’re so dang funny. You may think this is the same as #1 but it’s not. Lots of people make me laugh on a daily basis. You’re particular brand of humor is special. It’s witty, intelligent, and snarky, yet you will stoop to just plain silly when it’s called for. I dig that.
  5. I love that you are bringing people together online and in real life.
  6. I love that you not only have fun contests but that the fake prizes are often better than winning a real prize. I’ve caught myself thinking, “Oh man, I wish I had that fake prize.”
  7. I love that you work so well together, trade off writing for both sites, and often give two different perspectives.
  8. I love you for creating a venue where “sicknast”, “lamespice”, “AmanDUH”, and “Unicorns” can be used without explanation.
  9. I love that you go to crazy Twilight events and post about your experiences, so that I don’t have to.
  10. I love that we can count on you to Break It Down Vanity Fair Style.
I was going to stop at 10 but I think I’ll turn it up to 11.
11.   Most of all I love that we can give you our crazy and you tell us That’s Normal.
Love,

Your #1 Fan ‘86 Rabbit

And from VickyB
, who found us soon after Christa did. We have both been blessed to meet Vicky many times in real life and can call her a real-life friend!!

Pocket Edward welcomes UC to San Diego

This is how I met VickyB for the first time!

Dear LTR/LTT,

I was honored to receive an email inviting me to share what you mean to me on your special day. I can’t believe it’s been a year. A whole year of my life…and Rob’s. You have done so many things for me I don’t know where to start. You’ve taught me how to laugh (at myself and others) again. You’ve taught me that it is indeed completely #normal to play with dolls. I think my first letter was of my paper Rob doll (that was before I realized they sold actual dolls…like REAL dolls). You have made it possible for me to meet some amazing people *coughnotrobcough* but I know this one will take time.

Being a part of this little family, because seriously, I love two (Moon and UC) more than the sisters I never had, means so much to me. Without it I would actually have to do work…at work and we know how much that blows. I have come to fully appreciate the plaid. When I wore it the first time back in 1991, ugh, I didn’t fully appreciate it’s awesomeness. Now? I do. It’s hard to put this all into words. So I think I will close with a simple Haiku:

Before there was you
I knew not of the sex hair
Now I have come close

Love always and Happy effin’ Birthday LTR/LTT,

vickyb

This is our 2nd post of the day- Yes. We’re serious. Like Tweed. Read the first post here

New Moon rumor patrol

Dear New Moon,

So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there are rumors floating around EVERYWHERE. I thought I’d take a little time today, dig into the news and gossip, contact my sources and really do some research into the stories out there to help us determine what to believe or not. Enjoy!

1. Women everywhere have forgotten about their vintage green washer & dryer and have taken up hand washing their clothes in a bucket of cold, sudsy water, and Wal-mart has suddenly tripled inventory on the old fashioned washboard (formally found in the craft department to be used as decoration) as demand increases due to all the women recently inspired to manually scrub out the stains in their clothing:

True- thanks to Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs. He now gets a royalty check every time Wal-mart sells an old-fashioned washboard.

2. Chris Weitz has agreed to do Breaking Dawn and make it into two films

False or True or… this is still a rumor: Chris is concerned that he set the bar pretty high this time with the yellow pants and isn’t sure if he has another color of slacks to top them when it comes time for Breaking Dawn promotion. He has a cranberry pair that his mom sent him for Thanksgiving (they have a stitching of a turkey along the top) but are they good enough? It’s really a lot to consider. PLUS, two more movies to film? He’s really concerned that Robsten can’t stick it out that long. And nothing would be worse than the world’s precious star couple breaking up the night before Rob is supposed to bite pillows and tear apart headboards. So if he agrees to it and if he finds the perfect pair of pants, he will probably recast Bella. He’ll cast me. He doens’t know it yet, but he will. I sent him a pair of bedazzled, neon blue “UC & Moon” pants last week. He’ll get them any day now and he’ll be convinced. Feathers all over my naked body, here I come!

Continue reading

New Moon means new laughs

Dear New Moon,

I know my letter title sounds like I might have a funny commentary about New Moon, the movie, but no, not yet. At press time I’ve only seen the movie once and I’m still reveling in Chris Weitz’ brilliancy. Plus I’m exhausted. Utterly exhausted. This week in LA with Moon was one of the best I’ve ever had, but we were busy and went went went non-stop. We were like little energizer bunnies or like me and Rob if we ever ended up in the same bed. We didn’t stop. So when I finally got a moment to rest yesterday in the airport as I waited for my plane home (as I was a major sad panda) I caught up on all the videos I missed from the past few weeks.  Here are 3 of my favorites!

My favorite Twilight cast interview last year does it again. Part 1 (warning. Don’t watch in your Sunday best. Lots of Language)

Swiftner lives!

Part 2 of uncensored cast interview:

Happy Sunday! Hope you laughed. I promise a REAL commentary about all the new laughs you are sure to provide us for months to come very soon. For now, I’m going to nap!

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTT, Twitter

Jackson got hurt. Did he try the leg hitch?

Dear Jackson,

Rumor has it that this week on the Eclipse set, you fell down and went ‘boom.‘ You poor baby! What happened? Tell me, it didn’t happen to involve a ‘leg hitch’ between Edward & Bella did it? I have no idea why you’d be on set for that scene, but I’m just double checking. Uh, if not, you don’t happen to know if there IS a leg hitch scene do you? Could you ask David Slade? Yes. Now. Get off the couch, stop icing whatever body part is ailing you (or remove the female currently helping you to “feel better”) and go check for me. And relay this message: “Dear David Slade, if there’s not a leg hitch you’re gonna wish you never took this job as director (well, you’ll wish it again). Trust me- you’d rather be shot by Charlie’s bb gun, attacked by wolves while a vampire sucks your neck and Cathy the Cougar offers to pleasure you orally then experience my wrath if Eclipse doesn’t include a leg hitch.”

To help you feel better, Jackson, I’ve provided, with the help of the gals at Rob’s flat in The Forum, Zephyersky & JodieO (okay they did ALL the work),  a little “Jackson porn” as well as some caption action. Okay, most of that is for us- we’ve been so worried about you- but I’ve included a little somethin’ somethin’ I think you’ll enjoy.

Feel better,
UnintendedChoice

slamdoor

Celebrating Jashley!

I’m starting to feel better! Are you? More after the jump! Continue reading