Kristen & Taylor: The real life Bella & Jacob?

Dear Jake & Bells,

I think you have competition for the cutest friends that have ever lived:

Yes. Kristen & Taylor- or… that’s at least what Moon & I think…

Friends? Or lovers....?

Moon: so now that we’ve seen this video….don’t you love how KStew acts like shes old and wise. PUH LEASE girl!
UC: right…. you’re 19!!!
Moon: I liked her at the beginning with the smile stuff and then she had to get all “old soul” on us and talk about cajones
Moon: WAiT TiLL YOU GROW UP A LiTTLE and shut it
UC: side note- I love in that interview at the TCAs when he’s asking about the teenage years and doesn’t realize she’s STiLL a teen, and she’s pretending she’s not… but also knows everyone knows she is..and it’s a big ol’ awkward turtle
Moon: it’s cause she acts like she’s 50. Be 19. Dude I wasnt that serious at 19
UC: seriously. do keg stands- leak naked pictures of yourself or SOMETHiNG
Moon: Kellan will hold your legs while you do a keg stand- he’s a pro I can tell
UC: he’s done a LOT of keg stands…and then spent a lot of time in prayer the following day
Moon: Taylor would 100% be headed in his footsteps if he was a normal kid going to college soon- he’s so that good times guy. Just laughing it up, joking around- he just seems like a good time
UC: I have a feeling Taylor’s read some- oh dang.. what’s it called? Oh yeah… Wild at Heart
Moon: Like Taylor’s the guy you want to run errands with you on Saturday cause even though it’s mundane, it’s gonna be a lot of fun
UC: he’s probably gone on the Wild at Heart conferences where they go into the wild & think about how to never masterbate again…. with Big Daddy, of course
Moon: well if Taylor’s read Wild at Heart than KStew most defs needs to read Captivating
UC: dude I don’t think it’s called Wild at Heart– I think that’s the movie about the horse & the blind girl
Moon: it is wild at heart and also the movie. and the girl’s version of the book is Captivating
UC: First off, I love that you know what movie i’m talking about. and #2, I recently sold Captivating on ebay, and I’m pretty sure the address I shipped it to was for “Bella Stewart” somewhere in Vancouver…
Moon: totally cried at that movie when she went blind! and he loved her anyway….
UC: so.. you’re right…. Kristen is reading Captivating
UC: TOTALLY cried- my fav movie when I was growin up
Moon: she needs to learn how to get captivating
UC: I haven’t seen it in years
Moon: maybe it’s wild hearts cant be broken??
UC: YES!
Moon: whatever I get the two confused
UC: it’s often that I confuse men’s books on how not to lust vs. Disney films about blind chicks riding horses

Moon: I want to see Taylor & Kellan at a promise keepers event
UC: with Big Daddy and Kellan’s dad
Moon: And Big Daddy will wear a shirt that reads, “real mean sing real loud”
Moon: oh Promise keepers
UC: tens of thousands of men in the same room talking about how sometimes they jack off to thoughts of someone other than their wife.
Moon: while Phillips Craig and Dean lead the alter call. And then they all hug it out at the end and pile back into the church van
UC: church jokes are fun

What’s this site about again? Oh yeah, Twilight. We get back to it after the jump…

Twilight Virgins say the darndest things

Dear Twilight sluts,

I love virgins. I get such a big kick out of people who have just or are currently experiencing their ‘first time.’ The way they talk; the way they’re all starry-eyed; the way they’re not jaded by the experience but still have hope for the purity & innocence of it- I just can’t get enough. It’s probably because it’s hard to remember when I lost my virginity- it seems to long ago.

I’ve been blessed to hold many a friend’s hand through the experience of losing her virginity. Of course I’m talking about losing her Twilight virginity. What did you think I meant? I introduced you to my friends UrbanGirl, ItalianGirl, Tex & PreggersPants back on this post [go, it’s brill] and I really thought it was over. I thought everyone in my life I could convince to read the series had done so. Turns out, Netta my cousin decided to hop on board and give her flower to Edward Cullen himself.

I really do love the innocence of a first time Twilight reader.  They don’t know the things we know- they may not know that Midnight Sun exists & probably aren’t yet pissed off at Stephenie for not finishing it. They probably have only seen the movie once or twice & haven’t yet realized, “This movie really kinda blows apart from Robert Pattinson & Buttcrack Santa.” They think they’re alone- oblivious to the MILLIONS of affected women out there. They call their other virgin friends and admit sheepishly,”I think I’m in love with a vampire,” not realizing the number of women throughout the world exclaiming, “That’s Normal!” And my favorite: They still refer to the actors & characters by their full names instead of Nik, KStew, Jack, Ash, Rob, etc. I recently received this e-mail from my cousin Netta:

Don’t tell anyone, but my friend Gretchen had a dream about kissing Edward Cullen.

First of all, sorry Gretchen, I just let your secret slip. But don’t worry. It’s only on my little blog. Secondly, thanks, Netta, for clarifying that it’s Edward Cullen she’s interested in kissing. At first I thought you meant Edward Scissorhands.

I want to rekindle that fire you once had for the series. I know it’s dwindling- don’t try to deny it. You’re over seeing pictures of Rob on the Remember Me set. You’re counting down the days until New Moon (126) and you wish that Stephenie would just write another damn book already! Today I have a gift for you in the form of texts I’ve compiled from my friends & family. [I’ve of course left you some necessary UC thoughts in brackets] After the jump, Read, recall & reminisce your first time….

Taylor Lautner and Selena Gomez come out. Officially.

And they called it puuupppyyyy looooveeee

Dear Taylor-

Looks like someone had the DTR* talk recently!! I can’t say how excited I am for you two… you’re so cute I just want to squeeze you like a couple of cabbage patch kids!

As a girl with an ass ton of guy friends I can say with some authority that I believe a DTR talk has occurred because unless you two are underage drunk in broad daylight on the sidewalk in front of the paps, no one goes for the under the boob side grab. Not even good friends.

Have your fun and kick out the jams with Selena now because puppy love is fleeting but Wolfgirl love is forever.

Your older wiser faux sister something
Themoonisdown

*for the uninitiated or those no longer in High School, DTR= “define the relationship”

Picture Source: Lainey Gossip

The Wolfpacks 2nd favorite place to hang out

Bom chicka bow woooowwww

Dear Wolfpack Boys-

First off can I just say “DAAAAAAANNNMMM Gina!” You guys are such Panty Rufflers* (copyright ltt and kristen!) for doing this to us! Shirtless, abs, tattoos, hot boys! But NO Jacob?? UGGHH you’re killing me!

I was having one hellacious day until this picture was sent to me and all was once again right with the world. Time and time again I have been impressed with this casting and I’ll say it again, you are restoring my faith in the Twilight franchise: Wolfpack and  Chris Weitz! Keep it up and I will be naming my unborn, unconceieved child after you. Little Christopher Wolf Moon. Has a ring to it, doesn’t it?

But where were we? This is a letter to the Wolves after all.

Wolves… guess what?! Today we are unveiling the long awaited, long prayed for Letters to Twilight and Letters to Rob (you know that one skinny nerdy dude) FORUM!!!!!!! That’s right we now have our very own place dedicated to shooting the shiz every day! So what does that mean for you boys? I’m so glad you asked…

1. We have topics dedicated to talking about the books, the movies, the characters and you guys the actors!

2. Wanna tell Team Edward to suck it, by flexing your manly muscles and shoulder tattoos?! Yup, we got a place for that too.

3. Wanna be 2nd hand embarrassed by bad fan art, bad videos and more? Wanna post a video you guys just made of your daily ab buster workouts mashed up with you guys tearing up an Edward cutout put to music by Wolfmother? Yup, this is the place!

4. Has Daddy Filet o Fish told you guys some awesome gossip about Taylor and Wolfgirl? SPILL YOUR GUTS and we’ll try to debunk the rumors with the help of our awesome Moderators: Jbell, Kristen and Calli (Twi-theater mistress)!

So really, what are you waiting for? Stop staring at yourselves cause you’re so daaaaaamn hot and get over there! But don’t forget to comment here first!

THE Forum: http://letterstotwilight.com/forum

SHHHHHH Team Wolfpack 4 life!
Themoonisdown

PS don’t worry Wolfies we’ll still be writing Letters to you and especially that nerdy wolf here and to that dork over at Letters to Rob! This is just a fun place to hang out, post fun stuff and shoot the shiz!

*Panty Ruffle = female version of Cock Tease. Love this with us! We do!!!!!

Pic source: New Moon Movie via TwiCrack via USAToday! Whew, that was a lot.

UPDATE: thanks to everyone for being patient and giving us a chance to work kinks out with the forum. nothing can ever be simple or easy right? but is anything that is, worth it? Hmmm…

stick with us and give the board a chance once we have things in working order. there are plenty of people to help out if you don’t understand something or want help!

we really appreciate you all keeping an open mind!

THANKS!! we ❤ you!

XO!

Buttcrack Werewolf – 4 Letters in 1

Coming to a gifting suite near you... the all new fake lesbian threesome!

Letter One

Dear Taylor-

Besides lookin like a total pimp… I’m worried about you! If these girls are trying to make you the new partner in their fake lesbian relationship please RUN AWAY. Run far, far away. Next thing you know you’re going to be standing outside a liquor store with KStew while Nikki Reed is inside buying you guys booze and cigarettes.

Oh wait, that already happened. Way to be totally high school Nikki Reed, keepin’ it classy!

Then they’re gonna drag you back to the hotel and you’ll get lit off one Zima and end up playing 7 minutes in Heaven with Kellan while the girls laugh from outside the closet.

Trust me it’s a slippery slope, tell those bitches to keep themselves warm next time. You have Wolfgirl to think of now!

Don’t make me call your Dad!!

Love your matchmaker,
Themoonisdown

ménage à DON'T!

Letter Two

Dear NReed-

Seriously girl? Seriously?? Buying alcohol for two underage kids? Woooooow is all I have to say. Now this isn’t my first time to the rodeo but COME ON don’t be so freaking public about it. Do what normal people do: ORDER that shiz to your hotel room and charge it back to the studio.

DUH.
Themoonisdown

Letter Three

Dear Kristen-

Now, hun I’m sure you guys are trying to “bond” before shooting starts. Trying to get the whole Bella/Jacob chemistry thing going and I totes love ya for it cause I ain’t gonna lie it’s terribly cute… but can ya tell your BFF to stay home or go bug Robbie or something? This is starting to look like some weird codependent relationship.

Trying to like you, I really am!
Themoonisdown

PS where’s Oregano?

nothing gets between him and his Calvins

Letter Four

Dear Creepy Photographer who took this pic-

This is hilarious.

Please come to my house to show me more of these. Also bring the iced tea and Dateline crew!

Thanks!
Themoonisdown

More pics and stories at JustJaredJR and LaineyGossip

PS who’s freaking PUMPED about the motorcycle scenes after seeing Taylor in those biking pics?? He’s TOTALLY Jacob!

One picture, two takes… Filet-o-Fish Edition

(*moon note- i found this pic and sent over to UC because we think this is taylor’s dad and we KNEW we had to hit it with a ‘one picture, two takes’*)

Take One – UnintendedChoice

Dear Taylor,

If this is the future you, I’m gonna have to re-think giving you my sister, Wolfgirl, to be your girlfriend.

Love,

UnintendedChoice

a

Take Two – Themoonisdown

Dear Taylor’s Dad –

I love that you eat McDonalds while Taylor is working out.

Bear hugs and Big Macs,
Themoonisdown

PS I ❤ you taylors dad! seriously, you are my new love affair. don’t run!

Pic from the Gossip Girls. Check out the creepy bio pic of Taylor!

Taylor and Wolfgirl sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g

perfect for framing, christmas cards, prom portraits

Dear Taylor and Wolfgirl-

Since we hooked you two kids up for Taylor’s 17th birthday we thought we’d give you another gift. Being the kind, responsible folks we are here at LTT/LTR we’ve decided it would be best to lend our services as chaperons on Taylor and Wolfgirls dates. You see we want this to last and understand the pitfalls that many relationships fall into. Especially Hollywood relationships. So Rob, UC and I have agreed to triple date with you to keep your minds and hearts pure. Not to mention give you less hump-y potentional. For you guys at least. Us? That’s a different story.

Dates and locations we approve of…

• Volunteering at the old folks home – Wolfgirl can play piano, Taylor can entertain them with karate kicks and then you guys can duet on “Apologize“

• Five after Five dinner specials at Luby’s on Tuesdays – carpool with the old foggies from the home

• Youth Group Lock-ins

• The Library – you two can do research on the teen pregnancy and abstinence essays we’ll be collecting at the end of the date

• Bingo and table games night at the Elks Lodge – now these are some folks you could learn a thing or two from, like how to wash out ziplock baggies and avoid emphysema n stuff

Now we’re not saying don’t have a little fun, by all means please do! Hold hands, skip, kisses on the cheek, sit next to each other in church but listen kids, you gotta leave enough room for the holy spirit!

Now excuse me while Rob and I go make out in the reference section of the library.

Your older wiser mentors!
Themoonisdown and UnintendedChoice

Happy 17th Birthday Taylor

Get ready to make out in his mom's Ford Taurus, Wolfgirl

Dear Taylor-

UC and I have thought long and hard about what we were going to do for your birthday; we even made a Google calendar reminder just so we wouldn’t forget it- it was THAT important to us. So what would a 17 yr old up-and-coming movie star want that he probably couldn’t get on his own?

Then we had an epiphany: why not, a totally hot, rad, awesome, intelligent, non-stoner GIRLFRIEND, that’s what!!!??

So, Taylor, I present you: WOLFGIRL!

Yep, you're right! She DOES look like her beautiful older sister.

 

 

Yes, we went ahead and got you a girlfriend! Seriously, you should bow at our feet because Wolfgirl is good peoples and comes from the best stock around. Why yes, Wolfgirl is UC’s little sister!! A more perfect match we couldn’t imagine. A young lady, your age who was raised right and totally not affected by the Hollywood/Twilight scene. As a matter of fact, Wolfgirl had not read the Twilight series until UC and I came up with this dastardly plan, and UC KNEW she must read the books so we could hook you two crazy kids up.

Personally, I’ve made it my mission to track you down at whatever 24-Hour Fitness/Bally’s/Equinox location you’re pumping iron at in LA these days and become your “older sister/friend/yenta/matchmaker” so that I could impart my wisdom on you and share all the secrets I think you need to know about life, oh and hook you up with the hottest, bestest girl your age that UC and I approve of.

Now Taylor, I know you lead a busy life: working out, school, working out, eating egg whites, running, being the real life version of Jacob, but trust me Wolfgirl can hang! And just wait till you try her eggwhite omelet! (Note to Wolfgirl: figure out how to make eggwhite omelets stat!)

So gas up that mom-mobile, Taylor, cause Wolfgirl’s ready to be picked up so she can show you a good time for your birthday. Oh and not THAT kind of good time (yet), this is a GOOD girl and you will treat her as such!

Happy Birthday Taylor!
You owe us, BIG TIME!!
Themoonisdown and Unintendedchoice

PS And what birthday would be complete without party favors? So dear Wolfgirl and LTT/LTR readers, I bring you the music video Taylor made of himself singing OneRepublic’s “Apologize.” Try not to swoon too hard at the amazing art direction and cinematography,  gotta save something for the relationship. Let Taylor light your candle!

If you’re not inspired by this new love to join in on our Twialentine’s Day contest than you must have a block of ice where your heart should be.  Thaw it out by entering the contest!