How to get GUYS in the theater to see Eclipse…

We didn’t invent “Breaking it Down Vanity Fair Style,” we just invented the name. So we LOVE receiving emails from YOU ALL sharing whatever it is you recently broke down with a friend, fellow twi-lover, someone you hate OR… a closeted Unicorn….

Dear Eclipse,
I became enamored with the Twilight Saga right before the first movie came out, and I was a goner. I was going through a difficult time in my life, and I believe that I survived by reading the Twilight novels and watching the first movie (over and over). Eclipse was by far my favorite of the books. The intensities of the relationships kept me coming back and Bella’s indecision made me want to punch her in the face.

My husband, like most husbands, has not been supportive of my relationship with Twilight. He says the normal things, “it’s stupid” or “a waste of my time” or “a horrible story.” My immediate reaction is, “duh,” but I must stand strong for my companion who got me through so much. This has been the source of many arguments between us, usually revolving around me not cleaning house because I’m watching the movie or reading the books again. Hoping he would turn out to be some sort of closet Unicorn, I drug him to the premiere of both movies with me, along with my girlfriends, but alas, he did not turn.

I decided to become a silent fan in my home. I stopped talking about Twilight, the books, my trading cards, the Eclipse teaser trailer release, the New Moon DVD release, which DVD I would purchase and so on and so forth. I was, however, able to turn my five year old daughter into a Twi-fan, so I still had someone to share a few things with.

My weekend was horrible and I spent the majority of the weekend sulking. In an obvious effort to cheer me up, my husband came into the bedroom to show me ads from Sunday’s paper with all the different New Moon DVD’s that were coming out and the different prices. I was amazed, but I knew why he was looking at them. First, I’m going to buy one anyway, so he might as well help me save money. Second, if I’m upset, he’s not getting any.

I had not had a chance to search for anymore Eclipse news over the weekend, so when I came into work Monday morning, that was my first order of business. I was so excited to find the Sneak Peek to Eclipse. I only watched it about five times before I had to get some work done. Immediately after lunch I was chatting with my husband and told him I found that the Sneak Peek. I was shocked at the conversation to follow:

The part where I almost have a heart attack.

How 'bout a threesome guys? (click to read)

Me: There was a sneak peek from the new Twi-movie on the web. It says it’s going to be on the DVD but it’s only 2 minutes long
Me: that 7 minute one at Wally’s must be different
The Hubby: oh, i think i saw that one
The Hubby: the 2 min one
Me: the sneak peek?
The Hubby: yes
Me: you watched it?
The Hubby: yes
Me: who are you? and what have you done with Mark

The part where we discuss the subtle intricacies and a three-some with the love triangle

The Hubby: oh the turmoil
Me: hehe- it’s more fun than the trailer. You get to see everybody
The Hubby: “you must consider i might be better for her” you blood sucker
Me: LOL
The Hubby: on guard dog boy
Me: you never stop surprising me
The Hubby: it popped up somewhere so i figured what the hey
The Hubby: it’s going major soap opera now though
Me: yes, this one is a major soap opera. well, they all are
The Hubby: perhaps, but this one is major league
Me: a major league soap opera? Yes.
The Hubby: let’s make a monster sandwich
Me: huh? oh!  I got it
The Hubby: a “bella sandwich”
Me: yes, that may have crossed their minds

Eat your heart out guys- there's a NEW hot wolf in town

The one where he refers to Taylor as Fez, from That 70’s Show

The Hubby: fez is so cute with all of those muscles too
Me: all he needs is the lisp
The Hubby: i’m sure he could pull it off
Me: I’d like to see him try. that would be good stuff
The Hubby: yes

The one with the solution to the problem we Twi-nerds have been looking for! How to get our guys to want to go to the next movie! (Or at least how to get them to stop bugging us.)

Me: there is a girl wolf in this one, but I don’t think she goes topless- sorry
The Hubby: What! THIS IS AN OUT RAGE, A SEXIST OUTRAGE!
Me: I think we should broadcast your opinion. heheh
The Hubby: yes, sacrifice the teen base crowd for the twi-dads! it’s their only hope

And then I realized, the only fair thing to do, is to have Leah be topless. I will concede that I would rather not have a topless girl in the movie, but if I can drag my husband to watch it over and over without complaint, I think there is something to this idea. I’m not a lesbian, or a fake lesbian, but I want to see this movie as much as I want without getting grief.

Thank you Eclipse for considering my suggestion,
Dame Iron Fury

Have you broken it down ‘Vanity Fair Style” with a closeted Unicorn? Do the men in your life admit when they’ve watched something Twi-related!? And seriously- what ARE they gonna do about Leah running around “half-naked!?”

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Thankful for David Slade (hopefully)

Dear David Slade,

I was asked to write a letter about what I’m thankful for this Twi-giving—I mean, Thanksgiving.  I couldn’t think of anything.  I mean, I’m grateful for the usual stuff like having a house to live in and not being dead from some horrible disease.  But relative to Twilight, I’ve got nothing left to say that hasn’t been said before.

So instead, I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re going to deliver an incredible movie with Eclipse.  In advance, I thank you for the following:

This is all I ask...

The Leg Hitch.
I know you already have this “in the can”.  If Jesus loves me, and the song tells me He does, you spent six weeks of your filming schedule on the leg hitch alone.  Like those action movies where they show the car exploding from eight points of view, so should you show the Hitch from every possible vantage point.  Front angles, back angles, aerial views, slo-mo, hidden cameras in the inseam of Bella’s pajama pants–I want it all.  Also, sound effects are pivotal here.  No music (unless you can convince Tom Jones to let you use “You Can Leave Your Hat On”—that would be epic).  Only the sound of fabric-on-fabric as Edward slides Bella’s leg over his hip.  I know you won’t let me down.  So thank you for that.

Please, God. No

The Ring.
Edward’s mother’s ring.  The one he guilts Bella into letting him give her.  You’re not cheaping out on this one, are you?  Because you know that Hot Topic is going to sell a replica of it, and you know that I’m going to buy it and wear it around just like I had good sense.  So you hired a real jeweler to create the most stunning engagement ring, and you didn’t pay any attention to the way Stephenie Meyer described it, because it sounds god-awful big and tacky in the book.  You did these things because you love me, and because I’m faithful enough to thank you in advance, and because you don’t want to see eight million shoddy imitations of an ugly ring at the premiere.  I know you did.  Thank you.

Why aren't my camping trips like this?

The Tent Scene.
I want to know what EXACTLY Edward is seeing in Jacob’s mind during the tent scene. I don’t care if it appears in a poorly superimposed thought bubble above Taylor’s head, so long as I see Jacob doing all the freaky stuff he wants to do to/with Bella. You’ve certainly filmed this in glorious detail, you dirty, tiny man. I appreciate it.

The Soundtrack.
I know you’ve already got a message in with Tom Jones’ people about “You Can Leave Your Hat On”, but I’m hoping you’re working on getting rights to “I Touch Myself” by the Divinyls for that non-canon “Edward alone in his room” scene you filmed.  Also, we haven’t gotten any decent rap songs with the franchise, and I heard 50 Cent say he was a fan.  You’ve taken advantage of this to get Fiddy to do a cameo as the entertainment Alice hired for the graduation party, haven’t you?  You’re the tops.

So, Dave, you have a pair of giant yellow pants to fill now that we’ve seen the DILF’s New Moon. Today I’ve given you preemptive thanks, which will be revoked immediately upon a poorly delivered leg hitch, a detail free tent scene, a gaudy ring or a boring soundtrack.  Don’t make me hunt you down in June.

Gratefully,

Tiffanized

P.S. Seriously, though, I’m thankful for Moon and UC, who, despite presumably having real jobs and living three thousand miles apart, manage to seamlessly bring us Twilight-related content with heaping side dishes of snark every day.  Even Sunday.  I’ll admit to being so lazy I don’t even read on the weekends.  Anyway, I’m not just saying this because I’m three days late handing in this assignment.  Without Bunny and Noreen I’d be on some other Twi-site, in a sea of Twimoms and squealing fourteen-year-olds, with the WordPress user name “Mrs. Cullen”, posting comments like, “ZOMG Rob is so HAWT ZOMG I want to marry him and have all his babies.”  Actually, I think I’ve made that exact comment on here before, so nix that.  The point is, Moon and UC make me work for it, make me laugh, and generally make me feel normal.  Thank you ladies.

Tiffanized- we love you. And you brought tears to my eyes. First from laughter and then from sappy feelings. It might be the anticipation of the pie I can smell in the other room though, so don’t get too big of a head. 🙂 We love you. And are thankful that YOU are a part of our community! XO

Member we’re busy with holiday stuff this weekend so patience getting comments approved! In the meantime:
Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Jackson got hurt. Did he try the leg hitch?

Dear Jackson,

Rumor has it that this week on the Eclipse set, you fell down and went ‘boom.‘ You poor baby! What happened? Tell me, it didn’t happen to involve a ‘leg hitch’ between Edward & Bella did it? I have no idea why you’d be on set for that scene, but I’m just double checking. Uh, if not, you don’t happen to know if there IS a leg hitch scene do you? Could you ask David Slade? Yes. Now. Get off the couch, stop icing whatever body part is ailing you (or remove the female currently helping you to “feel better”) and go check for me. And relay this message: “Dear David Slade, if there’s not a leg hitch you’re gonna wish you never took this job as director (well, you’ll wish it again). Trust me- you’d rather be shot by Charlie’s bb gun, attacked by wolves while a vampire sucks your neck and Cathy the Cougar offers to pleasure you orally then experience my wrath if Eclipse doesn’t include a leg hitch.”

To help you feel better, Jackson, I’ve provided, with the help of the gals at Rob’s flat in The Forum, Zephyersky & JodieO (okay they did ALL the work),  a little “Jackson porn” as well as some caption action. Okay, most of that is for us- we’ve been so worried about you- but I’ve included a little somethin’ somethin’ I think you’ll enjoy.

Feel better,
UnintendedChoice

slamdoor

Celebrating Jashley!

I’m starting to feel better! Are you? More after the jump! Continue reading