The one where Cathy the Cougar gets a love letter

Moon & I bet on what New Moon would make domestically its first weekend. I guessed low hoping I’d win by default because Moon guessed too high, but she schooled me. She guessed 140.1 million and it brought in 142.8 million. Amazing. I wish she’d be right when I ask her to guess Rob’s jitterbug phone number. My punishment for losing? Love letter to the Cougar:

Got my hair cut at the SuperCuts next to the TGIFridays

Dear Cathy the Cougar,

Every time I write that- Cathy the Cougar- I think of Tony the Tiger. And me and Tony had some good times when I was growing up- well, until I realized that if I kept inhaling multiple bowls of him every day, I’d end up with hips like my Great Aunt Jane. I haven’t seen Tony in a few years….That’s pretty radical.

So I’m supposed to be writing you a love letter, but this is quite the difficult task because for the past few months we’ve called you all sorts of special names we made up just for you and said some things some would consider not so nice. We’re honest girls, though, and I’m not here to apologize for what we felt had to be said. In order to get me into the mindset of “Cathy the Cougar love,” I asked around on Twitter to see what others would say to you if they had the chance. Some would thank you for foreseeing the potential in Taylor’s abs, therefore boosting the economy in Georgia. There’s mixed feelings on the brutal slaughter of yet another one of Charlie’s friends. While on one hand we love the introduction of Buttcrack Santa into the story (for all the obvious reasons such as those little bottles, the song about kitties and the image forever imprinted in our minds of an old, creepy man’s buttcrack hanging out while driving around in one of those rape vans, wearing a santa hat), we hate that he had to be killed off. Such a lovable character gone- forever…Many twitterers were thankful you did such a lousy job with Twilight because it really makes Chris Wetiz’ work, which might otherwise be considered sub-par, really stand out as a beautiful work of art.  Most regard your casting Kristen as Bella as your biggest feat, but only because she fought for the casting of Rob Pattinson. Awesome

David Slade turns 40 and STILL can’t believe he’s directing a teenage love story

Dear David Slade,

Happy 40th birthday!  Do you feel any different today? Any taller? What a great way to be celebrating your 40th birthday- directing a movie you said you’d rather be shot at gun point than SEE, let alone direct.

One day I'll be "this tall"

We hope that you have the bestest of 40th birthdays. We hope Cathy the Cougar leaves you alone today and stops calling to tell you she just wants to “pinch your widdle cheeks & give you a widdle hug.” We hope Jackson & the 100 monkeys write an impromptu song just for you about birthdays, vampires & a little angry British man. We hope you’re showered today with LOTS of twilight-themed gifts as the cast & crew poke fun of how you once said you hated Twilight and now how you’re getting paid by directing it. We hope Tom Cruise calls you with his secret tips on looking taller, and we really really hope there’s a leg hitch in Eclipse (or else).

I have to be honest. Moon & I completely forgot your birthday. It’s to be expected since I never think about you and up until this week was still calling you “David Spade.” But thankfully we have readers who keep “David Slade” calenders and stuff and remind us of such important dates. That blessed reader, today, was TeamSeth (who would like to add this: “I wanted to clear up that while I go by TeamSeth, I’m not a pedophile and do not find BooBoo attractive. I mean he’s cute for like my ten year old brother (what is he 14? 15?), but um, he’s also you know, a decade younger than me.  Does he not scream Jonas Brothers and Bop Magazine?  Yick.”)

Since we don’t talk about you much, I wanted to share some tidbits about you for our readers.
Fun Facts about David Spade:

• Suffers from hypoglycemia.
• Has been commercial spokesman for Sierra Mist soda and Capital One credit cards.
• He was so smart in 3rd grade he got moved up to the 4th grade for some of his classes.
• Was one of the guests at Lindsay Lohan’s 19th birthday party. (don’t tell Cathy the Cougar)

Since I’m an idiot, TeamSeth did some light google research for us about David Slade to help celebrate your birthday:
Fun Facts about David Slade:

• David is known for his non-stop camera movement and shooting in dim lit settings.
• He has a dachshund named Django (that is almost as big as he is)
• 95%* of the David Slade pictures on Google’s Image Search are him giving off the “two-fingered salute”, the British version of the infamous middle finger.
• He, on Sept 21, 2009, tweeted this enlightening quote on filmmaking, “When the vampires sparkle we need to use a special camera filter to expose it on film. Otherwise the film over exposes.”

Yeah… there’s not much. Remind me to write your biography. It’s sure to be a bestseller and I could use an extra 30-40 bucks.

Learn much more about David Slade on his birthday thanks to TeamSeth’s brilliant comments after the jump!

Jackson got hurt. Did he try the leg hitch?

Dear Jackson,

Rumor has it that this week on the Eclipse set, you fell down and went ‘boom.‘ You poor baby! What happened? Tell me, it didn’t happen to involve a ‘leg hitch’ between Edward & Bella did it? I have no idea why you’d be on set for that scene, but I’m just double checking. Uh, if not, you don’t happen to know if there IS a leg hitch scene do you? Could you ask David Slade? Yes. Now. Get off the couch, stop icing whatever body part is ailing you (or remove the female currently helping you to “feel better”) and go check for me. And relay this message: “Dear David Slade, if there’s not a leg hitch you’re gonna wish you never took this job as director (well, you’ll wish it again). Trust me- you’d rather be shot by Charlie’s bb gun, attacked by wolves while a vampire sucks your neck and Cathy the Cougar offers to pleasure you orally then experience my wrath if Eclipse doesn’t include a leg hitch.”

To help you feel better, Jackson, I’ve provided, with the help of the gals at Rob’s flat in The Forum, Zephyersky & JodieO (okay they did ALL the work),  a little “Jackson porn” as well as some caption action. Okay, most of that is for us- we’ve been so worried about you- but I’ve included a little somethin’ somethin’ I think you’ll enjoy.

Feel better,
UnintendedChoice

Celebrating Jashley!

I’m starting to feel better! Are you? More after the jump!

One cannot exist on Twilight alone

To Catherine Hardwicke, Chris Weitz, David Slade & whoever has the horrific job of making Renesmee come to life on the big screen,

A Warning not to mess with Twihards:

Moon: Can you EFFING believe David Slade and the props department for Eclipse? I mean, do they think we’re blind or something?! That Volvo is CHARCOAL! CHARCOAL!!
UC: I know, I mean.. that’s almost as bad as if Harry Clearwater had famous SHRIMP FRY or something
Moon: Or Newton’s ran a SHOE store and not an outfitters. Helllloooo we’re fans- We’re the readers. We’re gonna know this stuff!
UC: Do they think we’re Vampire Diaries fans or something? Ugh

Guys- learn from Cathy the Cougar’s mistakes. There were soooo many inconsistencies between Twilight the book and Twilight the movie.

• In the book, Bella’s first day at Forks High School is on January 19. In the film, her first day is in March. This is a MAJOR issue. MAJOR problems could happen because of the different dates. I can’t think of any right now, but I know it’s a MAJOR big deal.
• 

  Cabinet color fail. But love the 'stache

  Bella’s mom painted the kitchen cabinets YELLOW to bring ‘sunshine’ to Forks. The cabinets in the movie were WHITE. WHITE! What would it cost? Like $3.00 paint them yellow? You could’ve made Rob eat what craft services made for 3-4 days and cut his hot pocket budget back to make up for the lost $3.00.

• And in the movie when Bella entered Biology class and talked to Eric about getting her playlist for prom, she started to walk then pauses to look across the room towards Edward. In this shot the Armadillo is not on the shelf, and only what looks like a piece of paper is hanging there. Then the Armadillo appears on the shelf only after she has sat down at her desk and Edward moves the microscope towards Bella saying “Ladies first”. What is WRONG with you? Did you remember the Armadillo and then FORGET the armadillo? What? Are yo- NO! NO! How, I don’t even know what you’re say- How Ho- Whadya whayda you talking about, yo- want me to go away- I, I, I can’t, I can’t I I can’t just leave – I just don’t even know what to say….
• And I was extremely offended by Bella’s outfit in the movie when she goes to meet the Cullens for the first time.  Jeans, a green top & a jacket? How do you think Old Navy felt when they saw that? They stocked up on khaki skirts in every store expecting to sell out because girls would want to look like Bella from the movie. They didn’t even sell one (oh wait- Cathy the Cougar bought one because she felt bad) Old Navy ended up donating them all to some orphanage in Russia. Those poor Russian girls (and boys)… walking around in mid-nineties styles.
• When Bella sees Jacob at the prom in the movie, he hasn’t grown significantly like in the book. Why!? WHY would you do that to us Cathy the Cougar? Did you not read the book? Jacob is supposed to grow! Jacob is a WEREWOLF! Werewolves aren’t small little baby boys. WHY!?
• Speaking of the prom, WHERE were the rest of the Cullen kids? This is a BIG DEAL that they weren’t there! A BIG DEAL.

Chris, David, poor chap who will have to make a fake baby look real, we’re fasting & praying that you do better than SHE did…… And to YOU, David Slade…. how dare you make the Volvo CHARCOAL. Chris… I better not find out that you make the Newton Outfitters employee vest YELLOW instead of Orange.

High expectations,
UnintendedChoice

How we really feel after the jump