New Moon rumor patrol

Dear New Moon,

So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there are rumors floating around EVERYWHERE. I thought I’d take a little time today, dig into the news and gossip, contact my sources and really do some research into the stories out there to help us determine what to believe or not. Enjoy!

1. Women everywhere have forgotten about their vintage green washer & dryer and have taken up hand washing their clothes in a bucket of cold, sudsy water, and Wal-mart has suddenly tripled inventory on the old fashioned washboard (formally found in the craft department to be used as decoration) as demand increases due to all the women recently inspired to manually scrub out the stains in their clothing:

True- thanks to Taylor Lautner’s washboard abs. He now gets a royalty check every time Wal-mart sells an old-fashioned washboard.

2. Chris Weitz has agreed to do Breaking Dawn and make it into two films

False or True or… this is still a rumor: Chris is concerned that he set the bar pretty high this time with the yellow pants and isn’t sure if he has another color of slacks to top them when it comes time for Breaking Dawn promotion. He has a cranberry pair that his mom sent him for Thanksgiving (they have a stitching of a turkey along the top) but are they good enough? It’s really a lot to consider. PLUS, two more movies to film? He’s really concerned that Robsten can’t stick it out that long. And nothing would be worse than the world’s precious star couple breaking up the night before Rob is supposed to bite pillows and tear apart headboards. So if he agrees to it and if he finds the perfect pair of pants, he will probably recast Bella. He’ll cast me. He doens’t know it yet, but he will. I sent him a pair of bedazzled, neon blue “UC & Moon” pants last week. He’ll get them any day now and he’ll be convinced. Feathers all over my naked body, here I come!

3. UC & Moon ran into Sam Bradley when they visited their friends at CBA & Twifans in the front of the line at the New Moon premiere camp-out site. He was in costume.


Clicky for maxiumum LOLs *

False- Sam Bradley, fed up from the lack of attention he is receiving because he isn’t suicidal enough to be on the New Moon soundtrack, hacked into the Apple Computers database and put a virus into the iPhoto program, so that anytime the program recognize an attractive male face it asks “Is this Sam Bradley?” Also on the same day, just for shits & giggles, he programmed the system to ask “Is this the Pattinson Pants Lady?” everytime a picture of Kristen Stewart appears.

4. Big Daddy was busy videotaping every moment (especially the ones where food was involved) Taylor experienced during the New Moon press tour and has been spending the last week working on an heartwarming video montage set to “You’ve got a friend in me” (Big Daddy’s head occasionally bops in and out of the bottom of the screen) for Taylor’s Christmas present:

False: This is the conversation father & son had moments before this scene:

Taylor: Dad, Dad! See that Parisian girl in the front down there? Do you see the SIZE of her boobs!? Zoom in for a close up so we can look later
Big Daddy: I got this son. Already on it
Taylor: Watch out though- I saw Chris Hansen around the corner back there. And she looks underage. I can’t lose you to him, too.

5. Rob & Kristen are in talks to be a part of a Twilight TV show where they would each make about a million of those weird looking L things (£– is that a lot?) per episode. The premise of the TV show is: A plain jane moves to Forks, WA where she meets a mysterious boy who turns out NOT to be a boy but a vampire, who is a virgin. Interested? There’s sexual tension. For forever. Because it’s a book about abstinence and Stephenie Meyer wouldn’t sign off on a show that took her book about abstinence & made it sexual like one of the other vampire shows on TV right now (that are only successful because of the sexual elements) But after the 3rd episode (and Rob & Kristen are relaxing with their cool 3 million £) and it’s announced that it is canceled, there will be a flash forward to the future where *spoiler alert*Bella & Edward are married and able to get it on for one whole episode that will be highest rated show of the network’s season causing them to rethink their canceling of the show, but they already let the entire crew go and Rob has already taken a new job (a leading role on a “Life Goes On” TV remake) so they decide to do a Renesmee/Jacob spin-off which at first glance seems like a sweet story about a young girl raised and loved by an older-brother type since her parents have basically abandoned her in order to practice “getting it on in the backseat of a Volvo” (since they missed out during their abstinent teen years), but it turns out the older brother type has plans for the little girl’s future that don’t involve things like prom and college and instead look a little more like what her parents are doing when the abandon her. A whole big scandal goes down and Chris Hansen has his highest rated show ever when he confronts execs from the Network, Summit, Taylor Lautner (now of age- oh the irony) and Buttcrack Santa, who coincidentally was hired on as “Crazy Jim,” the town’s claim to fame on Megan’s Law.

False: I made all this up. Well, except for the part about the TV show spin-off, but The Twi Lexicon said Summit said it’s not true.

So glad I could help to clear up all the rumors floating around! It’s what I do best!

You’re welcome,
UnintendedChoice XO

*I did not photoshop this image. My computer has a mind of it’s own. Isn’t it brilliant!?

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

117 Responses

  1. ROFL!
    Thanks for sorting out all the rumours for us 😀 haha

    • you kill me UC! seriously. so much win i can’t even list it all out!

      “…like one of the other vampire shows on TV right now (that are only successful because of the sexual elements)”


  2. There’s NO WAY Rob and Kristen would do a Twilight TV show!! There’s so many reasons why that would not happen, I don’t even have the time to list them.

    I, for one, am glad that those vampire-TV-shows-that-shall-not-be-named are successful because of the all the vamp sex – after Twilight, you really need to see a vamp and a blond girl do it in a cemetery.

  3. LMAO! Thanks for clearing up all these rumours UC.
    Love the Sam Bradley in costume pic 😉

  4. I was laughing so hard when I saw that link to the article on your twitter! It’s so ridiculous. But your tv show spin off sounds quite interesting.

    And your computer is genius.

  5. Teehee…awesome post as always…and as usual I have a few questions…

    *This is the second time that boobs and Taylor have been mentioned together…is it true that he’s not into ass? (I’ve got both covered just in case) Inquiring minds must know..

    *Is it true that Robsten are off on a secret escape…with his parents? Isle Esme aint gonna be fun when mum makes u clean up the feathers…

    *Is it true that Chris Weitz is looking for an exotic Tia (preferably Sri Lankan) to re-create a hidden chapter in BD where she saves Jacob from a life of sexual-deviancy by reminding him that age is just a bed?

    *Daddy Lautner…can Tay and I borrow that camera to er…document my visit?…yeah…my visit…

    Morning Everybody!!! 😀
    Inquisitive Cookie

    p..s. and if ur thinking that i might be crushing on that werewolf from Twilight…*mouths “call me Taylor” and blows kiss* well I’m not gonna talk about that…in my monlogue… la la…ha ha ha…

    p.p.s.Got two Unicorns on my hands…Honorary Jorts pack member at work (Alex) watched New Moon (yay!) with GF (boo!) and loved it….Fiance said “It will be as if I never existed” after just one viewing…He’s making it harder for me to leave him for Taycob…sneaky sneaky man….lol

    Help me Chris Hansen…You’re my only hope…
    I’m random…forgive… 🙂

  6. Dammit! I was already cleaning off my DVR so I could record Twilight: The Honeymoon Years.

    • Hahahaha! I have this image of 1950s Edward and Bella, with Bella wondering if tonight’s the night that Edward is going to push the twin beds together.

      • Random trivia: Who can tell me the first TV couple to share the same bed on their show?

        And don’t google it.

        • Was it Fred and Wilma? I think I read it in a textbook…

        • Yeah I might be totally off on that one… ::face palm::

          • Nope you aren’t off…you are 100% correct!!! It was Fred and Wilma Flintstone! Good job! You win a totally fake prize from this non UC & Moon sanctioned contest.

          • yay! I’ll take a nail-biting session with Tay pleasethankyou… ❤

          • Congrats IWL! And, yay! A new piece of useless trivia. I don’t think I had ever heard that before. Makes sense, though, cartoons can get away with a lot.

          • I have a question, what’s the difference btwn trivia and details? Say if someone accused you of fangirling, but you were just trying to brush up on your trivia about a particular celebrity, however minor he/she may or may not be…

          • Hmm… good question. I think fangirling involves squealing, and more of an… uh, aesthetic appreciation for the subject. Just collecting interesting facts sounds like good, wholesome trivia to me, says tuesday, justifying the fact that she knows Billy Burke’s birthday.

          • Well, I aesthetically appreciate the Staal brothers, but just because I know their stats, does that mean I’m fangirling them? ::looks around, worried:: I hope my boyfriend doesn’t decide to start reading today just to see what I write on here. He hates Carolina after the Bruins incident during the Stanley Cup.

            Sos! Enough hockey talk. IWL, I really gotta start on my rugby training… then when I go back to England I can impress everyone with my ability to flip back and forth btwn the two sports. I’m not ever getting into handball or cricket though, sorry kids. I can’t wait to do my scotch tour in Scotland in 5 fives when I can afford it. Hm…maybe I will enter the Twilight the series Writer TV show. Free food at least!

          • tuesday…I hate to state the obvious, but reading above I notice that you also know the date of Taylor’s birthday…even in different time zones…I think you have more justifying to do.

          • Ang…she’s doing it to take the heat off me Im sure of it….its not like she has a folder full of Tay-porn…right? right? (cause I dont Mr. Hansen)

          • Uh… *darts eyes back and forth* just trying to keep Chris Hansen off IWL’s trail, of course… heh…

          • tuesday…you are a good friend!

            illegal…Something just occurred to me. Will we have to call you legal after February?

          • No, because 49% of what she wants, I mean, will want to do to/with him will still be outlawed in most countries.

          • Ang, Fiance asked me the same thing…am very worried.he might be having an affair w/ Megan Fox and wants me to get Tay so he wont feel guilty about it… 🙂

            StotheP I KNEW I had a good enought reason to keep my name…Thanks for gettng into my pervy head…wait have YOU become the voice in my head now? did u inspire the Tay dream today? LOL

          • illegal – I’m a little worried that it appears me and your fiance are thinking alike!

        • I know this one. Lucy and Ricky!

  7. great post – i wish some of these were true, but alas…
    “And she looks underage. I can’t lose you to him, too.” – this killed me.

    • Oh EG…u just had to bring it up….lol
      Daddy Lautner with an under-age girl? Must. control. snark. and. retching…

      • it’s good news though. Daddy Lautner is probably much easier to hang out w/ if he’s in jail. Plus the phrase “I can’t lose you to him, too” implies that Taylor has lost almost everyone to Hansen (including Swift?! Rumour control!!!!). Opening the pathways full and wide for you.

        Remember when those female celebs all hit 18 and did nearly nude posing for Maxim and Rolling Stone? You think that Taylor will hop at that band wagon?

  8. UC, I’ll volunteer to send bedazzled pants to C-Dub as well if it’ll get you the part of Bella — if you promise to get the wolfpack to say “jorts” onscreen. Or at the very least “little denim hotpants!”

    And if you promise to get all the LTT/R folks first class tickets to our own private BD screening with Big Daddy 🙂

  9. Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….,Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….,Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….,Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….

    Moon, while I am grateful for the embarrassment of Taycob riches in today’s post, I am not grateful for the test on my self control. Why did have to use the ONE picture where he is foreshortened crotch first with eyes that say very dirty things that he shouldn’t know how to say yet. Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….Must.not.touch.the.wolfpeen….Must.not.LICK.THE.SCREEN

  10. Brilliant post UC! Your blogging break has served you well, not that you weren’t serving well before the break. . .Hubba, Hubba.

  11. A Twilight TV show is the worst idea ever. It would be like the Clueless TV show they made in the 90s, only they couldn’t get Alicia Silverstone to reprise the role of Cher, so they replaced her with the woman who went on to play Roxanna on 7th Heaven. It wasn’t good for either of their careers. On the other hand, I’m not entirely opposed to a little recasting…

    I’m trying to think of what the episodes would be like. Would they end each episode with Charlie sitting Bella down and giving her some sort of cliched life lesson? Would every rogue vampire in the world start coming after Bella once Victoria is out of the picture, like supervillains coming after Batman? Eventually on shows like that they main romantic leads start to stray… Tanya comes into town? Jasper’s aversion to Bella is more than just *blood* lust? Oh, the possibilities.

    • If the Batman supervillans started coming after Bella I would so watch that show.

    • Just thought of “Biff” “Kapow” and “Thud” flashing up on screen during the fights…and random go-go dance sequences…should never watch camp Batman…lol

      • I wish I had MAD video making skills so that I could do that to the New Moon fight scene. GAH! that would make it so completely epic!

        • Hahaha, that would be awesome!

          Maybe David Slade will take notice and edit the battle with the newborns accordingly… they may have to film additional go-go dancing scenes, though…

          • Rob go-go dancing has me giggling at my desk like I have tourets. Spontanious and random as the visual pops into my head.

    • This sounds marvelous! Jacob would finally have a purpose… Boy Wonder!

      FTR, I loved Clueless. Still watch it sometimes. 😀

    • They could have an ‘American Idol’ style tv contest among fanfic writers to be on the team of writers for the show. Yet more $$ to milk out of the Twilight cow.
      PS: Summit, hire me. (Rob stops by your HQ every week, right?)

      • I like that idea. Maybe my boyfriend could produce it! He’s the master of producing reality tv contest shows. Hopefully Cougwicke will be one of the judges, otherwise where’s the controversy? Wow, what a fun idea…. and if he got to go do the on location auditions as well, and you know, let me tag along. I’m almost got to go with him to Bermuda one year!

        Once they finish up the writing contest, then they can cast the parts that the actors won’t do (i.e. all of them). I’m sniffing out Lana Veenker as a judge, since my bf is located in Portland anyway, it’s a pretty easy pick. Maybe the View Point Inn will let them use their facility for the judging sessions.

  12. You know what rumor that I am about to start I wish would come true?

    Daniel Lautner signs to play the role of Stefan, one of the two vampires from the Romanian coven.

    That would be BRILLIANT!!!

  13. Ya know, when I see Taylor looking like that….um in the abs section, well I forget his real age. I just concentrate on the abs!

  14. Dangit. I was getting my headshots done to audition for an extra on the Twilight TV show. Bummer.

  15. Lol, I was totally confused as to how old fashioned washing machines had anything whatsoever to do with New Moon. “Where is she going with this?” Taylor’s abs – Classic. That was definitely the best rumor.

  16. That iphone app is real???? WOW.

    Anyway, great post today. Pie coma officially gone, methinks. I want to add something funny, but my brain isn’t working yet.

  17. I just keep going back up to that first picture. Thank you for that. Can we please have a little Taylor’s birthday countdown ticker installed on the side of the blog so I know when I can really start to stare and feel a little less creepy? Kthxbai.

  18. The movie stinks big time but bucks are to be made. I love it. Those hard cats in the picture body guards or they love to party?

    • They just love to party… The Wrestler style.

      haha, when that scene comes up and he’s taking a line of coke and tapping that slag from behind in the bathroom, my boyfriend called out at the TV, “I hope her rolls were worth losing your relationship with you daughter.

    • Oh Bobbygee, will we ever grow tired of you telling the movie stinks….probably not.

  19. I would totally do my laundry on Taylor’s abs! Yummy! We could get all sudsy and soapy and wet and………

  20. I cannot wait for when Rob is in the ‘Life Goes On’ remake. CANNOT WAIT.

  21. Uc & Moon you are outdoing yourselves today. I am just crying reading today’s posts.

    If CW is worried about topping the yellow pants why not enlist the help of PattinsonPantsCullenCaprisLady? Who knows better how to spice up a pair of boring pants?

    Great pic of you guys, although you could be dry-humping cardboard Edward with a little more enthusiasm (see Moon with cardboard Jacob). Or are you team Jacob now?

  22. You are not being nice to Sam dammit….he made need an appreciation letter, or at least an appreciation letter to his whiskey song.

  23. Cyyyyyndi! Are you here? Come out and play! I had to come to work an hour early and I need some entertainment!

  24. And there it is…a “Life Goes On” reference on LTT. I’ve been waiting almost an entire year for this. Praise be!

    But whom will Rob play? Corky?

    Man, I loved that show.

  25. Ahh the genius of computers. Sometimes it makes you think there just has to be some microscopic species with a great sense of humor running that thing.

    When they’re casting Rob and Kristen anyway I’m voting for a reality series. Rolling with Robsten, Plaid and plaider,…I’m not good with this, but you get the picture. I wanna see Rob act like a big baby when Kristen tears down his Hot Pocket Fort every year to mob the floor.

  26. This comment really has nothing to do with this post, but I needed to share. I just got back from a thrift store outing. When I walked into the store, the first thing I saw was a man in jorts. JORTS! It took all the energy I had to not shout for joy.

    Also, as I sit in the library on my college campus, I spot a girl reading Twilight. It has been a good day for me.

    • Awesome! Jorts AND public Twilight consumption!

      ANNNNND, Sparklecakes has her own tale of 2nd-hand embarrassment to tell today – happening RIGHT NOW!

      Hurry and share, Sparklecakes!

  27. Those weird “L” things – pounds, currency of my nation.

    It would be alot of money 1.58 dollars is £1.00 – I know this coz I just got back from swapping some £ for $ as I am going to USA on Saturday. Hot Topic here I come -YAY! (Top of my list – sad but true)

  28. i totally just LMAO at Moon’s leg hitch on cardboard Jacob!!!! i think i took that pic!

  29. […] New Moon rumor patrol Dear New Moon, So the movie has been our for a week and 1/2 now and you’ve made a gazillion dollars, and there […] […]

  30. […] That’s the blessing of  being Taylor Lautner’s boy toy!  So I’d like to say thanks to Taylor, he of the washboard abs. […]

  31. […] just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m […]

  32. […] just hit a couple hockey games with the son, maybe hop a plane over to ol’ Pari’, breakout the handheld and find a companion, but it seems Taylor has more luck in that department. Not that I’m […]

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