Will Bill Condon direct Breaking Dawn, The Musical? I sure hope so!

If you only knew...

Dear Bill Condon,

Oh Bill Condon… oh Bill, Bill, Bill… if you only knew what you were getting yourself into… alas that is a letter for another day. We have more pressing matters to discuss today…

Of all the rumored directors being vetted for Breaking Dawn: Gus van Sant, Sofia Coppola, Fernando Meirelles and a few others your name seems to just keep coming up. Especially yesterday when we learned that you may be in talks/negotiations to direct BD. And I gotta say I’m super excited! For the general public they probably best know you from your film adaptations of the musicals Chicago and Dreamgirls*. As a HUGE nerd fan of musicals this has my head spinning. Because I’m sure, like me, there are tons of people out there thinking Breaking Dawn will be turned into a musical. A musical version of Breaking Dawn? YES PLEASE!!! Just imagine it…

We open with a wide shot of Forks with an incoming rain storm in the background. Charlie slowly drives the streets in his cop car singing a  “Patrolling in the Rain” type of song under his breath. Then the skies open up and it begins raining. Raining glitter, of course.

glitter, lots and lots of glitter!

Then we catch up with Bella singing about that dumb ol car as she gases up the Mercedes Guardian at the gas station and then uses the gas pump as a prop jump rope and sings “Only a Human, not yet a Vampire” as a man taps dances around the car inspecting it.

Later on we have the wedding scene which I imagine as a sort of Guys and Dolls Nathan and Adelaide getting married scene only set in the Cullens backyard while we cut to shots of Jacob running through the forest singing “Get me to the church Cullens on time.”

Then to celebrate their marriage we have a huge ensemble number, a re-imaging of “We’ve only just begun” with the Cullen family, Wolfpacks, humans, townspeople raising closed umbrella’s for them to walk through and then as they leave for the honeymoon, instead of throwing birdseed or rose petals the guests throw, what else? Glitter!

In honor of Stephenie Meyer’s ultimate cockblock, for the honeymoon  scene instead of fading to black the musical version of Breaking Dawn will have something very similar to “Contact” by Angel in Rent, where we don’t actually really see anything go down but we know it’s a big metaphor for sex. Yup, Stephenie you will still have your fade to black in the end.

Yup, twihards made this Bill. GET READY

Bella giving birth closes the first act . I imagine this like the scene (I think, theater nerds help me out) in Carousel when Billy is stabbed and instead of it being literally blood spurting, instead a red sheet slowly gets pulled out to symbolize her bleeding to death as Edward holds up Reneesme all Rafiki-holds-Simba-up-in-Lion-King like and then hands her to Rosalie as he launches into a gut wrenching soliloquy about possibly losing Bella all while Jacob cowers in the corner singing to himself quietly.

End of Act 1

Follow the cut to see what I dream up for Act 2, it’s a real show stopper, trust me
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One picture, two takes: Jacksper’s edition

IIIiiiii'm throwing my arms around jacksper... i mean paris

Close your mouth and open up your heart and baby satisfy me!

Take One:

Dear Jacksper-

It’s awesome to see that you’ve taken up a part time job as an Elvis impersonator to fill all your down time while filming New Moon.

So tell me, do the grandma’s swoon when you sing “Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Love” or perhaps they cry when you croon “Fools Rush In?”

But what I really want to see if you in a sequined jumpsuit doing “A Little Less Conversation” with KStew, NReed and Rachelle as your back up singers. That would blow that 100 Monkeys nonsense out of the water! Trust me.

Watch out Vegas, there’s a new star in town!

A little more bite, a little less bark!
Themoonisdown

Maria! I just met a guy in the Marine's named Maria!

Maria! I just met a guy in the Marines named Maria!

Take Two

Dear Jackson,

I’m trying to put my finger on the vibe I’m getting from your hair, and I’m a little confused. I’m feeling like you’re either going for the “Hi! I’m Jacksper Rathbone, and I look like a skunk” look or are secretly part of the gay Marine core.

Oh, I know what it is!  You’ve been feeling left out that Cam & Rob were asked to do that Vanity Fair “West Side Story” shoot last Spring that you are trying to convince the VF editors that you look the part, as well.  With hair like that, I bet you have killer dance moves, right?

Lovin’ the locks,
UnintendedChoice

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