Eclipse Soundtrack Tracklisting! Insert excitement here! Every hour on the hour (ish)

Dear Eclipse Soundtrack Folks-

Um, by now I’m sure you know our crazy love for the soundtracks and breaking them down like a nutjob to the infinite degree, so of course you know we’re waiting with bated breath for you to release the hounds the tracklisting today. BUT being good followers of Stephenie Meyer you’ve mastered the art of the cock block and want to guarantee repeat visits, you have decided to release ONE TRACK an hour starting at 8AM Pacific Time (holla WEST COAST!) today on MYSPACE. Now, MYSPACE?! That’s another letter for a whole other day (or year), but COME ON!!! So now this is how it’s going to work, I’m going to be updating this letter through out the day to include all the latest announcements and artists on the sound track and hopefully give you some samples and scene ideas I think they might use the song in…

Until then let’s start with what we know and then some guesses…

Lead single…

Muse: Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever) – Besides having the best name ever and being SMeyer’s ladyboner band, I’m secretly hoping they use that picture of the Edward Cullen Neutron of the Shire as the single cover. Here’s a total cockblock of a sample of Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever) (say that ten times fast! you will be tested June 30).

Why yes, what a lovely piano tinkling sound.
*updated: supposed leak of the song HERE doesn’t sound like the same key, but I’ll let you decide*

Some other Muse tunes to hold you over since we know what they sound like… Starlight, Knights of Cydonia

Jesse & Joy: Magic & Desire – This was reported by Eclipse Movie (and some others but we love our bb Eclipse Movie) that Jesse and Joy, a latin band would be contributing a song to the soundtrack. This makes me wonder two things… where is this going to end up in the soundtrack? Maybe a Jasper/Maria scene? Or is this song only on Soundtracks in Latin America, since we learned that certain tracks only make it onto soundtracks in specific world areas. We shall see!

Jesse & Joy – Mi Sol
Love the totally emo graphics the video maker used. ANARCHY!!!!

This is quite beautiful and now I’m even more convinced whatever “Magic & Desire” is it will be included on a Latin America only version of the soundtrack. If Jessie & Joy had been more Rodrigo y Gabriella flavored I might be more inclined to think it could be for a certain scene but now I’m not so sure. Unless they do an english language song (like ‘And then there was you’ below) Dang, listen to these guys! They’re great!

Other Jesse & Joy: Adios, And Then There Was You

*UPDATED*

1. Metric – “Eclipse (All Yours)”
UC will be jumping for joy with the news that Metric will be on the Soundtrack. Her fake lesbian lover is Emily Haines.

Metric can kinda go either way with the up beat stuff or the more ballad-y songs… should be interesting and good call on just being obvious and titling the song Eclipse. Lest we forget what movie this is for…
Other Metric: Help I’m Alive, Twilight Galaxy (heh, someones a fan!)

2. Muse: Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
OMG! didn’t see this one coming…see above…

3. The Bravery – “Ours”
The Bravery are super upbeat and rocky, this is a fun inclusion though they’re not rock in the traditional sense this could be something at the graduation party or maybe a cool chase or driving scene

Love this title!
More from The Bravery: Unconditional, Believe

4. Florence and the Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
So quality. I just saw Florence on Live at Abbey Road sessions the other day and can’t wait to hear “Heavy In Your Arms” she can really howl… speaking of…

Howl from Florence and the Machine

She such a strong female it almost makes me want to think about someone like Leah or maybe when Bella grows a pair…

More FATM: You’ve Got The Love, Hurricane Drunk

5. Sia – My Love
Now we all know everyone’s love affair with her song “Breathe Me” which was probably the best ever synch on 6 Feet Under a few years back but call me crazy I want to see some whacky Sia… or like Zero 7 Sia!

More Sia: Gimme More (cover of Britney) Destiny (zero 7)

6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
If I wasn’t freaking before I defs am now! Welcome to one of my favorite bands! UGH! Amazing. I usually don’t fan girl out over Twilight (says the girl who writes a blog about Twilight), but we’re talking the MUSIC, and it’s GOOD music!

UPDATED:

Atlas performed live earlier this year. (Thanks Lula!)

My fave Fanfarlo song The Walls Are Coming Down

More Fanfarlo: In The Aeroplane Over The Sea (cover of another of my faves: Neutral Milk Hotel)

7. The Black Keys – “Chop And Change”
Oh the Black Keys you are great…

(For Carter)

8. The Dead Weather – “Rolling in on a Burning Tire”
Dayum finally some (probably) hard ass music. Jack White kills in yet another side project band. We all know from David Slade’s tweets he had a director boner for them while filming in Vancouver, so good on him for making it happen. And besides anyone who names an album “Whorehound” is good peoples.

Alison Mosshart is a badass bitch throw her in with Jack and some others from Queens of the Stone Age and the Rancetouers and this is a SUPER group!

More from The Dead Weather: Treat Me Like Your Mother, I Cut Like A Buffalo

9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – “Let’s Get Lost”
UMMMM as we saw from  the Bon Iver / St. Vincent track from New Moon this collaboration could be redonkulous. Though I haven’t been a huge Beck fan for the last album or so I LOVE his album Sea Changes and couple that with my lady lover Natasha Khan (aka Bat for Lashes) and we have the makings of something that could be awesome!

Natasha will creep you out in the best way possible with What’s A Girl To Do?

More Bat for Lashes: Her cover of Use Somebody (one of my faves)

Beck

The Golden Age

More Beck: Girl, Sex Laws

10. Vampire Weekend – “Jonathan Low”
If UC would be peeing her pants over Metric, I will be peeing my pants over Vampire Weekend. Heck yea Ezra is my lover! I’ve kinda always hoped they’d end up on a Twilight soundtrack but knew it might be a slim chance because of the kitsch factor with the name but HALLELUJAH we have some Vampire Weekend!

Now VW can go both ways (TWSS) and I love them for it. They have a very, (I’m reluctant to use the word) ‘world’ ish vibe to their music that is very danceable  but then they can lay on the sweet jams. Because I love them so I’m giving you some extras here!

Giving up the gun

Probs my fave VW song ever… California English Pt 2

More Vampire Weekend: Cousins, Kids Don’t Stand a Chance, Walcott,  Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa I told you I liked them. Now don’t go stealing my bf Ezra!

11. UNKLE – “With You In My Head (featuring The Black Angels)”
Brit band of greatness…

Be There

12. Eastern Conference Champs – “A Million Miles An Hour”
Hey, Philly folks here’s a band from your neck of the woods and one I don’t know much about so let’s take a listen…

The Box

More ECC: Sideways Walking

13. Band of Horses – “Life on Earth”
Who wants the sads? These boys bring them with their music. Need a fix before June 8th, their new album comes out next Tuesday!

The Funeral
One of my fave songs from back in the day, used to listen to this when I drove to work.

More BOH: No One’s Gonna Love You

14. Cee-Lo Green – “What Part Of Forever”
WWWHHHAAATTT>>!! CEE-LO GREEN?! Shit just got REAL interesting! For those not in the know, Cee-Lo is the other half of Gnarls Barkley and original member of Goodie Mob and boy can he SANG. Not just sing, SANG. Shall this be some sorta romantic soul moment? Engagement anyone? ORRR ORRR maybe the big kiss off between Bella and Jacob?! God that would be gut wrenchingly awesome!

Who’s gonna save my soul (Gnarls Barkley)

Cee-Lo is soul through and through but it’s soul that’s taken a ride on a space ship.

More Cee-Lo: Under the Influence, I’ll be Around, Going On (Gnarls Barkley). Spend the Night In Your Mind

15. Howard Shore – “Jacob’s Theme”
Dude, this is the guy who wrote the Lord of the Rungs score, I think we’re gonna be in good hands!

The Shire

I REALLY loved Alexandre Desplat’s Jacob’s Theme so I’m interested to see if Howard keeps any of the same tone or theme or does a whole new theme… we do get a different Jacob in Eclipse after all

Who will NOT make the cut…
100 Monkeys – They couldn’t write a song that wasn’t improvised, so every song they tried to record was different and NO ONE wanted to hear a song about a wolf threesome, Mrs. Cope’s menopause or what’s for lunch in the Forks High School Cafeteria. For serious.

Anyone from the Brit Pack, Sage, Mitch Hanson whoever, etc etc – For obvious reasons, do we even need to go into this?

Robert Pattinson – because he’s a big pansy and can’t put on his big boy Marks & Spencer underwear and give us a flippin’ song! UGH.

I’ve got my fingers and toes and legs and whatever else I can cross, crossed that this soundtrack will be as freaking awesome as the New Moon Soundtrack was. That soundtrack blew ours and every other music lover/snobs socks off and now that Alex Patsavas and the Twilight crew can demand original content from HUGE, awesome, credible artists I really can’t contain myself to see what kind of coup her and her team pulls off for Eclipse.

IS IT JUNE 8TH YET?!
Themoonisdown

Yes, I will be updating this as we find out the artists on the soundtrack and giving you the 411 and some tracks to listen to! Get excited! I am!!!!!! I live for this stuff! Any favorites or speculation you want to throw out there? What artists do you think are perfect for Eclipse?

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

News Dump: All the Twilight News fit to print, Monkey smell, Bree’s back and bitchface

Turn off your smell-o-vision

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s time again… tons of tid bits of interesting info but not enough time to write letters about it all. That means it’s time for a news dump. We’ll let you know what we think about the news and you decide from there if you care that much about 100 Monkeys or how Tyler Houseman’s promo shoot turned out.

• If these pictures had a scratch-n-sniff function this post about Jackson and 100 Monkeys playing at Bamboozle would smell like BO, ear hair, vomit, a melted Slurpee, an ash tray full of wet cigarettes, a used sweat towel from Jr High gym class, and melted Depp hair gel. Yup, EXACTLY what it would smell like.

• Bill Condon is announced as the director for Breaking Dawn. No word on whether it will be one or two movies or 3D or not lame but he writes fans a letter and does get a few things right, he addresses us all as twihards, Twilight fans and Twilight Moms. *RECORD SCRATCH* ummm… BILL? We’re gonna need to talk about this later

• David Slade got into the #goo stuff Monday night and tweeted till he got the munchies and left. IN THE FUTURE disable all communication devices before lighting up. Just ask La Stew.

Wait, she wrote a book about ME?!!

• You know that girl baby vamp that no one really care about, but is apparently a big enough deal that Stephenie decided to write a whole book about just her, while Midnight Sun remains unfinished? Yea there’s a new picture of her as Bree.

• Probably one of the causes of Slade’s online hissy fit, Lainey Gossip posted lots and lots of gossip and speculation about what REALLY went on behind the scenes of the Eclipse reshoots or as officials are calling them “pick ups.” Personally, I’d like to think the cause of all the hub-bub is actually because of the helicopters Punk’d Images hired to get these grainy ass photos of Bella and Jacob out on a dock somewhere… speaking of wasn’t I just talking about Vancouver and docks?

• The New York City paparazzi show us that they’re big fans off LTT by yelling the most amazing comment ever at Kristen while on the Met Gala red carpet… witness and then crazy Krisbians you can yell at me in the comments

We’ll leave it up to you to decide whether that’s a curtain or a table cloth around the bottom of her dress

Biiiiiitch please, I gotta tattoo

• Promo shots for Eclipse are starting to circulate around the nets of The Cullens, The Holy Trinity and The Wolfpack. For what it’s worthy Leah has the best bitchface and rack hands down.

• NOKIA Theater was announced as the place for the Eclipse premiere, and then it wasn’t and then everyone was confused. And then it was back at Grauman’s Chinese Theater like it was supposed to be all along.

• Robert Pattinson still loves to choke a bitch out. And wear incredibly tight, ball hugging, high waisted pants. We love it. We don’t.

Yup, that’s the news… I’m still thinking about Bree and being called a Twi-hard by Bill Condon…

IN THE FUTURE the news will be beamed to our brains. THE FUTURE IS NOW!
Themoonisdown

So what do you think about Leah’s bitchface? Amazing, right? And her hot ass tatt. Has anyone gone to a recent 100 Monkeys concert? Did I get the smell right? It’s been quite a while for me.

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

WAIT, Catherine Hardwicke could direct reshoots for Eclipse??

Coming to a TGIFridays this June!

Dear Eclipse,

I’m worried about you. Like, A LOT! First off it’s no secret you are my favorite. Sorry Twilight, New Moon, Midnight Sun (psst you’re 2nd!) and Breaking Dawn, but Eclipse just does it better. So I’ve got even more invested in this one than I usually do. But now there’s news (via Lainey) that there might be reshoots taking place in Vancouver in the next few weeks (quick to the Twi-mobile!) which isn’t totally disconcerting (ok, just a bit) since a lot of movies have to do this but the BIG gossip is that someone other than David Slade might direct these reshoots and that someone just might be CATHERINE HARDWICKE!!! (click that!)

Yes, the Cathy Hardi that gave us famous lines such as “Hold on tight, you little spider monkey.” Ugh, I retch just thinking about it. Yes, the Cathy Hardi that gave us the infamous slow motion ghetto Vampire run that made every person in the history of ever laugh out loud. Yes, the Cathy Hardi that gave us Edward’s sweaty-sparkling-pock-marked face. Yes, the Cathy Hardi that had milked the supposed “Rob and Kristen Twilight Audition Tape” for all it’s worth, which in reality is probably just her and Solomon Trimble running lines on your couch in Venice Beach.

A still from the "audition tape"

So forget the whole, “what about the directors vision?” “what about being true to the spirit of the story?” I’m downright scared half these reshoots are going to take place in a TGIFridays with the crew getting paid in all they can drink mucho margaritas and potato skins. Will the tent scene actually take place in the handicapped stall of the women’s bathroom while Edward and Bella get their leghitch on in the vinyl booth for a party of 10?

You see Eclipse, these are the things that will keep my up at night until it’s announced/leaked/rumored who really puts the finishing touches on you. Speaking of that it’s almost May and you come out in JUNE and they’re reshooting now?! HOLD ME, Eclipse, HOLD ME!!!!!!!!!!

In my happy place,
Themoonisdown

PS I need one of those cougarita’s right about now
PPS Time to start fasting and praying in earnest people. Earnest!

Seriously? Reshoots? WHY? Catherine? David? Chris? Moon and UC who should direct this stuff and who else needs me to pour them a cougarita?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Will Bill Condon direct Breaking Dawn, The Musical? I sure hope so!

If you only knew...

Dear Bill Condon,

Oh Bill Condon… oh Bill, Bill, Bill… if you only knew what you were getting yourself into… alas that is a letter for another day. We have more pressing matters to discuss today…

Of all the rumored directors being vetted for Breaking Dawn: Gus van Sant, Sofia Coppola, Fernando Meirelles and a few others your name seems to just keep coming up. Especially yesterday when we learned that you may be in talks/negotiations to direct BD. And I gotta say I’m super excited! For the general public they probably best know you from your film adaptations of the musicals Chicago and Dreamgirls*. As a HUGE nerd fan of musicals this has my head spinning. Because I’m sure, like me, there are tons of people out there thinking Breaking Dawn will be turned into a musical. A musical version of Breaking Dawn? YES PLEASE!!! Just imagine it…

We open with a wide shot of Forks with an incoming rain storm in the background. Charlie slowly drives the streets in his cop car singing a  “Patrolling in the Rain” type of song under his breath. Then the skies open up and it begins raining. Raining glitter, of course.

glitter, lots and lots of glitter!

Then we catch up with Bella singing about that dumb ol car as she gases up the Mercedes Guardian at the gas station and then uses the gas pump as a prop jump rope and sings “Only a Human, not yet a Vampire” as a man taps dances around the car inspecting it.

Later on we have the wedding scene which I imagine as a sort of Guys and Dolls Nathan and Adelaide getting married scene only set in the Cullens backyard while we cut to shots of Jacob running through the forest singing “Get me to the church Cullens on time.”

Then to celebrate their marriage we have a huge ensemble number, a re-imaging of “We’ve only just begun” with the Cullen family, Wolfpacks, humans, townspeople raising closed umbrella’s for them to walk through and then as they leave for the honeymoon, instead of throwing birdseed or rose petals the guests throw, what else? Glitter!

In honor of Stephenie Meyer’s ultimate cockblock, for the honeymoon  scene instead of fading to black the musical version of Breaking Dawn will have something very similar to “Contact” by Angel in Rent, where we don’t actually really see anything go down but we know it’s a big metaphor for sex. Yup, Stephenie you will still have your fade to black in the end.

Yup, twihards made this Bill. GET READY

Bella giving birth closes the first act . I imagine this like the scene (I think, theater nerds help me out) in Carousel when Billy is stabbed and instead of it being literally blood spurting, instead a red sheet slowly gets pulled out to symbolize her bleeding to death as Edward holds up Reneesme all Rafiki-holds-Simba-up-in-Lion-King like and then hands her to Rosalie as he launches into a gut wrenching soliloquy about possibly losing Bella all while Jacob cowers in the corner singing to himself quietly.

End of Act 1

Follow the cut to see what I dream up for Act 2, it’s a real show stopper, trust me

Open Weekend Post – Hosted by our reignited hope in Swiftner

It’s the weekend, time for an open post!

Dear LTT-ers,

Remember when we all fell in love with Swiftner? And then we ultimately had our Lisa Frank unicorn illustrated dreams crushed when they “broke up?” Well now they’re just messing with our emotions! The pair of them followed by a trail of rainbow hearts, dancing teddy bears and puffy stars went out for a little lunch in Beverly Hills! I know… I know… just try to remain calm. Let’s not get too excited here… I’ll let you enjoy this photo and this weekend and let the speculation run wild

Pitter patter goes my black heart,
Themoonisdown

So do you think they’re back on? Were they EVER on? Where’s Big Daddy? We know he doesn’t miss out on a good lunch date

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

The ‘ol switcheroo – Eclipse editor changes, what does it all mean?

Now playing: Editor roulette!

Dear Eclipse (is this your first letter?),

You’ve got a LOT of people up in arms… well make that Summit Entertainment has got a lot of people crazed and scared from the recent news about an editing switch on you. The Hollywood Insider (Entertainment Weekly) just reported that Art Jones, the editor for Eclipse has been replaced with Nancy Richardson the editor from Twilight. So of course this has everyone in the Twidom wondering what in the HALE is going on with you, Eclipse. What does this mean for the movie? Is it good, is it bad? Are we doomed to never see some Wolf on Vampire action?

So of course I went straight to my source for all editing information and news, MY BROTHER! As is our tradition here at LTT, he has a super special fake name which is pretty awesome. He is: Hatchet! Oh editing jokes, you are hilarious. So I went to the Hatchet cause I knew he’d level with me since he is a film editor himself, he has experience in such matters. I emailed him the post and said “give me your HONEST opinion, what does this mean?” And here is his response…

The Hatchet says*…

Well, I’d say it means the studio is not happy with the cut, so they brought in a new editor to look at the material with fresh eyes. Bad news for Eclipse?  Not always… Bringing in a new editor can really help make a movie better, but only if there’s good material in the footage they shot. However, it explains why there’s been no footage shown or even a teaser…

I’d love to know what’s actually going on behind the scenes, but I am only assuming there’s trouble in paradise.  There could be a rift between the studio and the director (aka creative differences), the film could not be testing well, or many other reasons. Remember, Summit has a ton of money on the line here both currently and in the future.  They have every right to make whatever personnel changes thy think will better the final film.  Replacing editors is somewhat common in Hollywood, but its interesting that this switch was publicized.

Bringing Slade in seemed like a move to give Eclipse a darker edge (which I’ve been told is the tone of the book).  I wonder if the studio is scared of it being too dark (aka not appealing to younger viewers) or simply wasn’t pleased with what Slade was bringing to the table any longer. If Slade was fired from the film, Art Jones, his editor, probably found himself in limbo.  Should he stay or should he go?  This is one option.

If Slade is still at the helm of Eclipse, it must have been hard for him to replace Jones, because the director-editor relationship is the most intimate of all of a films collaborations. And especially since Slade and Jones have had a good history.

Hollywood is a crazy place and the story behind this switch could be more or less dramatic than I’ve imagine.

However, I feel that if the movie was in really serious jeopardy, they’d bring a better editor than Richardson. She doesn’t exactly have an amazing list of credits and it sounds like she’s coming in because the studio feels comfortable with her (because of her work on the first film) and might just want someone to do their bidding.

Summit, if you want a real editor to come fix your film… Call Me!
Hatchet

Further proving our letter to David Slade earlier in the year when we asked where and when we were going to finally see some of his promised sneak peeks of the new film. So it looks as though some folks are’t so happy with the first cut of the movie but why is that? Could it be Slade’s darker style of film making? The studio wanting to cut a lighter version for it’s audience (you don’t need to, FYI!)? Or was it something else entirely different? We’ll never know until E!’s true Hollywood Story: The Twilight Saga comes out in like 1o years… so we came up with some fake possibilities:

Feel free to edit this hairline out, thx

• Was Bella’s wig just too unbelievable, even for a bunch of middle aged suits who probably don’t notice things like hair?

• Everyone one had their shirts on. Not enough shirtless men running around?

• Did Carlisle’s “Killers” shirt make it into the cut making him look like a crazy psycho murderer of local teen boys instead of the gentle town doctor?

• Was the tent scene a little too intense and we see Taylor copping a feel on Bella in the sleeping bag while Robert is preoccupied with the zipper on the tent door?

• Was Riley aka Xavier Samuel just too hot it was overshadowing the other dudes, whatever their names are Smaylor and Edmund?

• Everyone was breathing too regularly. Not enough gasps or lip biting to differentiate this as a Twilight film.

Yup, 2nd editor... 2 times the charm??

• Slade and Jones hadn’t picked a new color palette for Eclipse. Twilight had blue and New Moon went for earthy browns and green but Eclipse was just normal. FAIL.

So without being in the inner sanctum we’ll never know but thanks to the Hatchet we have a little better understanding that this isn’t necessarily a doom and gloom scenario. It could end up being a really good thing. Or it could end up tinted red. We’ll just have to see come June 30.

117 Days,
Themoonisdown

Give the Hatchet a big hand for lending his expert editing opinion! So what do YOU think? Does this make you nervil? Would you not go see Eclipse if it was “dark,” Do you have any speculations as to who they changed editors? SPILL!

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

*Note: this is purely hypothesis and the Hatchet has ZERO connection to the films in anyway and this is speculation based purely on personal experience in the industry. Please take this as such. THX!*

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News on Breaking Dawn Production aka NO news on Breaking Dawn Production!

Dear Twilight and well, Breaking Dawn I suppose…

Today two posts came out referencing news behind the production of Breaking Dawn. While a few months ago we all thought making BD was a foregone conclusion and Summit was just waiting for New Moon to shatter box office records to make it official it’s been almost a month and a half since New Moon’s release and still no announcement. Since news on the twi front has been about as sparse as smiles at a KStew photoshoot, so any sort of news to come out will indefinitely make waves. But after reading both posts from the bitchtastic Ted C and a dude in his mom’s basement in North East Philly we learn… exactly… NOTHING. Why yes, it’s like a Robsten rumor… a lot of drama, a lot of words, a lot of retweets, a lot of “maybe’s” but no actual substance or truth. Someone at the LA Times spoke with producer Wyck Godrey and got this bit of totally evasive information regarding the splitting of BD into two films  “…If it’s not organic, I don’t think it will be done, and if it is, it will be…” Wow, heavy.

Breaking Dawn = tons more creepy images made by fans!

So we still don’t know if it will be made into two films (please say yes), whether Summit will hire geneticists to create a human vampire hybrid in their lair of doom (aka studio offices in Santa Monica) to play Renesmee, whether Taylor Lautner will in fact act out imprinting on a newborn baby, if Nikki Reed and KStew can patch up their differences long enough to play convincing as frenemies on screen, will Jacob and Leah spend 3/4ths of the movie running around the perimeter of the Cullen’s house “on patrol” thus reenacting the most boring parts of BD, will there be a behind the scene documentary on the making of Isle Esme which features all the “fade to black” scenes they cut out?

Sooooo many questions and ZERO answers.

Find out what we DO know about Breaking Dawn after the jump

Breaking Down Swiftner aka we heart Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift HARD!

How ridiculously perfect is this picture?! Seriously!

Dear LTT-ers and Robsteners,

We so get it now! After the pictures of the Taylors (aka Swiftner) came out this week and the ensuing letters I wrote to them UC and I fangirled out (it was mostly a lot of high pitched “oh-em-geeing) half the day about Swiftner and how much we loved them. I started watching the clips commenters posted in the letters to the Taylors post and I knew I had a new addiction. Here’s UC and I breaking it down…

The one where I “come out”
Moon: I officially sound like the Swiftner version of a robsten fan*
UC hahahahahahha and i like it SO much more!
Moon Yes, it’s not nearly as annoying or annoying at ALL
UC RIGHT! just cute!
Moon dude ive SO watched like 2 videos of him at her concert in Chicago. Stop me
UC: hahahahahhahaha love it!
Moon: people are posting them in the comments. She sings 15 in the audience in front of Taylor and then comes to hug the folks where he’s sitting and when she hugs him and the crowd goes nuts. its SOOO embarrassing. im embarrassed for them. and then they do that lingering hand holding thing as she walks away. Swiftner lives folks! hahahaha
UC: awwwww!!!! sooo cute!!!!
Moon its super cute
UC dude.. that’s amazing. Send me the link to the video

Moon: OMG!!! HAHAHA its even more embarrassing from this other angle
UC: Watching! Awwww!
Moon SO CUTE!
UC he’s like “i love you” SOO cute! what if he sang? i’d die if he started singing along with her!
Moon: HAHAHAH they need to do a duet. I hope taylor has seen taylors crappy student video

Follow the cut to see us have an epiphany and plot our Swiftner love blog

Young love is Taylor-made

Dear Taylors,

Awwww, ain’t young love grand?! It’s not even spring and we get to enjoy a little bit of love blossoming in the fall as we watch you two meet up all over the country. I’m going to write each of you a letter and you can figure out which one is to who…

XO,
Moon

PS Can we come up with a better couple name that Tay-tay or Taylor squared for you guys? Those just don’t have the right ring to them

Our song is the way you phase, sneaking out past paps, tip toeing past a snoring Big Daddy

Dear Taylor,

Don’t screw this up!!! If it’s true and you are playing the hanky panky at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel with Taylor than you’re a lucky SOB cause this girl is 19, you are 17 and in boy/girls maturity levels that’s a lot. And besides that, she’s a young musician who not only plays an instrument but also writes her own music! This girls got it going on, and has the songs to prove it. Which you can learn a lot from, by the way! If we know anything about Taylor we know she likes Romeo and Juliet, love stories, flowers, screen doors slamming, Tim McGraw, castles, tear drops, glitter,  that stupid old pick up truck, burning shit, white horses, hates cheer captains and loves being fearless. Oh and she hates the JoBros. But who doesn’t?

So seriously don’t screw this up cause you KNOW Taylor will turn your relationship in her next number one album if you break her heart! And don’t think we won’t know who’s she’s referring to when she sings about “that stupid dog.”  I will also warn you know that Big Daddy told me he’s getting ready to sit you down and have “the talk” with you! So if Big Daddy asks to take you to McDee’s for some “one-on-one time” he’s not refering to private time with a certain fried fish sammy, he’s talking about emabarassing birds and the bees, this is where babies come from, true love waits, keep it in your pants shiz! Prepare yourself! And tape it, so we can listen later cause it will be epically 2nd hand embarrassing! Oh and if Kanye gets any funny ideas at this years Grammy’s you better come prepared to throw down. I’m talking “don’t get me upset” Jacob style throw down.

Ok now go send this girls some flowers and do a back flip for her while you recite a poem you wrote called “Taylor + Taylor, we can make it not a failure” So, clearly you’ll help you with your writing skills (and mine).

It’s a love story Taylor, just say yes!
Moon

PS If something happens and you have to break up with her don’t do it via phone like that loser Jonas Brother did. You’re a classy fellow have the balls and do that ish in person!

Follow the cut to see my letter to the other Taylor! And some other goodies…

For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

puttin' out the vibes

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

A look of pure want. Wanting 2 boys that is

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!