Buttcrack Santa

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Hi! I'm a creepy old dude. Wanna see my buttcrack?

Dear Buttcrack Santa,

I’m gonna be honest here. The very fact that you exist kinda makes me ashamed to be a Twilight fan. I understand the importance of Waylon Forge’s murder in the plot development of the movie (and I agree it was a good thing to be added) but BUTTCRACK SANTA? Are you serious? The fact that the word “buttcrack” is uttered in the same movie where Robert Pattinson is playing the perfection that is Edward Cullen is what completely took Twilight out of Oscar contention.*

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I’m one of those gals who loved Twilight the movie from the first moment I saw it. I had realistic expectations. I didn’t expect it to follow the book exactly- I expected it to fall short of Stephenie Meyer’s magical creation. All my expectations were met, and so I loved the movie. (And the fact that I fell in LOVE with a certain Robert Pattinson on the night of November 21st, 2008 probably helped too.) But that’s not to say that I wasn’t complaining about a few particular ‘no-no’s’ like the best of them:

  • Spider Monkey: the perfection of Edward Cullen would never say those awful words, and the perfection of Robert Pattinson better have been paid a million bucks just to utter that shizz.
  • Gay Eric Yorke: I’m cool with Eric being Asian even though the books never ever alluded to that, but how can a GAY Eric like Bella and ask her out? Last time I checked, homosexual males like other homosexual males.
  • robsabs

    Should've skipped the effect and given us more of Rob's abs

    Lame-Ass Sparkles: I love small budget films. I love that directors have to be more creative than their big-budget counterparts, but skimping on Edward “sparkling like diamonds?” Um HALE NO! And adding SOUND EFFECTS? That lame “special effect” can be achieved on my trusty ole’ ibook G4. I should never be able to create the same effect people in the “movies” create.

  • Monkey-Man: As if I needed another reason to hate Nikki Reed, she has to call Emmett her “monkey man.” COME ON! Vampires EAT Monkeys! Say something sexier- like “My Purpose Driven Vampire
  • Eric Yorke playing with worm: Wtf? I have nothing else to say here. Ew. That’s just 2nd-hand embarrassing.
  • Say-it Out loud: Okay, hold up a sec. I feel a little pressured here. I’m afraid that if I give in and actually “say it out loud” all the crazy S. Meyers-hatin’ feminists are going to come after me and tell me I’m a disgrace to the female gender…are you sure you want to pressure me that way, oh perfect Edward Cullen who would never pressure Bella like this in the books.. ever?

So you see, Waylon aka “Buttcrack Santa,” I don’t have many complaints with the movie. I didn’t even mind Victoria showing up at prom, despite the fact that obviously Edward would have caught her scent and obviously vampires can’t cry. I thought it was a nice effect. But a gay, worm-dangling, sparkling, monkey-man who utters the words “Spider Monkey” out loud? Sorry, I could’ve done without all of that. And you? Well, unfortunately for you, your life ended much too soon, but to be honest, how much of a life was it really if you were known around town as “Buttcrack Santa?”

Love,
UnintendedChoice

*I don’t actually believe this statement. It is false and one that is uttered with complete and total sarcasm. Unfamiliar with sarcasm? Leave our site now. I’m not kidding. Get the hell outta here.

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68 Responses

  1. WRT to Gaysian Eric: I saw the movie the first time without having read the book, and his character so confused me. First I was, like, “Wow, did a Mormon author have a gay high schooler in her novel, or was he added in?” Then he asked Bella out. “Why is this gay guy into Bella? WTH?” I have yet to decide if his portrayal was poor direction from hardwicke, or if the actor simply does not have the talent to hide his own massive gayness.

    • Gaysian Eric is the bane of the Asian Twilight-goer.

      Both me and my bf, whom I dragged to the movie, and his cousin were pissed. Fine, make an Asian character out of nowhere in a tiny backwoods town, but why does the Asian character have to be GAY?! As if we haven’t been fighting THAT long enough. Sigh.

  2. Oh snap. Are you reading my friend Red’s mind? When we saw the movie on the Sabbath (Nov 21, 2008 — keep it holy), your post comments are nearly the exact words that she expressed to me in the parking lot of our local cinema after the show. Are you reading this Red??
    All I can say about Waylon Forge is, “Mama said, you never knew how to make kitty MEOW.”

    • RhoJo- THE SABBATH! i love that!

  3. Here, here UC!! I like you came in with the same expectations, and did not leave as dissapointed as others (except for ALL of your above mentioned issues).

    However, they really did leave some explaining to do for the 2nd movie by not touching on the whole Volturi thing at all during Twilight. My mom came with me, hadn’t read the books and was trying to grasp how Carlisle came about and I had to tell her to just read cause they missed the boat there.

    Oh yeah, best part of your post, telling everyone who doesn’t get sarcasm to leave. Maybe that paragraph was intended to also be sarcastic, but I hope not!

  4. Hey ummm I think the whole Spidermonkey comment was just uttered by Rob off the cuff cause the way Kstew looked hanging on his back…and then Hardwick liked it and left it in..I could be wrong…It has been known to happen once or twice ;)

  5. What RhoJo says is true. You would not believe how much the word Spider Monkey now pisses me off.

    @brummielover- I believe I saw an interview with Catherine (can’t find it now but I’ll keep looking) where she said that Rob had a list of things he could say there and that’s what he chose. I can’t imagine how bad the others were.

  6. @UC It’s like you’re reading my mind!!!

    @Red I remember seeing that in an interview too. I DON’T even want to imagine what the other shizz was if “Spider Monkey” was what Rob chose. Geez!

  7. are people giving you guys a hard time for being sarcastic about Twilight?

    boo hoo you hatin’ twilighters. we like to have fun here

    • people aren’t necessarily giving us a hard time.. it’s more that they think we’re serious.. and not sarcastic:) but we love haters. we’re creating a special place on our site just for our favorite hating messages!

      • Uh oh… Are my “Can’t everybody just be nice dammit” one’s going there? ha!

  8. rob could call me spider monkey, tom, jack nicholson…whatever he wanted and i would be okay with it…and now i’ll go make that psych appt ive been putting off.

  9. @UC….yes to all of the above.

    As to the tree climbing scene, why did he have to say anything cutesy at all? Why couldn’t he have just said, “You better hold on tight or you are going to fall to your death on the cold, hard forest floor.”?

    • hahahahaha brilliant!

    • seriously.. eddie just needs to keep it real…

      • Oh I agree, just being silly!

        *giggles*

  10. @UC yes or how come he(Edward the magnificant) couldn’t read her mind? (victorias) when they were at prom and yes tears? scent? I mean I understand it wasn’t going to be exact like the book but I thought that was a little “off the beaten trail”…I’m just sayin :)

    • he was too distracted by Radiohead playing suddenly… :)

    • i have the movie and i never even noticed she was crying. ya im pretty sure SM says vampires cant cry…

      love from your only lesbian rob/twilight fan

  11. Amen.

    To all of it.

    I haven’t been in a Hobby Lobby since seeing Twilight on November 21. Just knowing I might run into Edward’s “sparkle” frightens the crap out of me. And should that stuff make its sound effect? Oh, for all that is righteous and holy…NO NO NO! A tremendous fail on all levels.

    p.s. My Purpose Driven Vampire rocks my world, and makes me long to read about that time Kellan took a mission trip with his youth group.

    Ahem, moon.

    • i just saved the day

      seriously.. MOON… youth group.. south africa… kumbaya… NOW

    • OK OK!!! i swear i will write it and soon. it’s pretty much never going to live up to any expectations now. i book to movie like expectations coming! hahaha

  12. I die a little every time I see the worm on the end of that stick and hear that braying giggle. Just. No.

  13. I was all prepared to come and comment about Waylon and write him a letter… this is what it said –
    Dear Waylon,
    I loved your performance in Misery; but with Twilight, I wanted to put you OUT of your Misery.
    Sincerely,
    JBell
    And then I realized he is NOT James Caan!! LOL I’m not sure why I thought that was hilarious, but ever since the damn movie I thought it was James Caan…

    Anyway, RE: Gaysian Eric… I laugh SO damn hard at the worm scene, I really do. Hate me if you will, but I think it is HILARIOUS. I think maybe I’m just laughing AT him though because I’m so embarrassed that he is forever known as “that kid with the worm” in Twilight…

  14. I had a strong dislike for eric yorkie as well. I have to admit my two favorite characters other than Edward, were Mike Newton and Charlie Swan, especially when Mike said “Look atchu huh?? youre ALIIIVE.”

    and Charlie cocking his rifle when he was meeting Edward. ha! ohhh the irony.

    but what about that scene when their playing volley ball and bella makes a comment about being kicked out of arizona for not being tan. and mike is all like “ahhhh good one” and jessica was all like “eehhh heheh thatsss soo funnny”

    was it necessary for that scene to be so awkward?

    • lacey- i LOVE the awkwardness of that volleyball scene! I LOVE jessica so much in the movie and i want to be her bff. and i don’t think we’re supposed to feel that way!

  15. @UC – Anna Kendrick is really good friends with KStew and NReed… just so you are aware. LOL I know you only want to be BFF with Jessica, but still; I’m just giving you a heads-up.

  16. yeah, spider monkey is just bad. why couldn’t he just say what was written in the book — he called her a coward, right? yeah…sounds much better than spider monkey.

    and then, staying on the ‘not-quite-a-monkey’ theme…monkey man? all i can say is ‘wtf’? i’m kinda thinking that rosalie wouldn’t that either.

    i think the writer was trying to be ‘too hip’ and she failed. miserably.

  17. @UC and JBELL- lets befriend jessica and then turn her against the fake-lesbians and steal their boyfriends! Maybe it will force them to finally be real lesbians. hence all of our problems are solved. mwuahha.

  18. yeah, its rob’s fault about the spider monkey line. he had to choose from ten lines or something and he said that it was the most bizarre one and thats why he chose it. mission accomplished. still, i forgive rob. how can you not?

  19. @UC- So true! I too loved the movie but some of the things in there were just (way out there). Some other examples (the fact that Bella doesn’t seem to have any dialogue in Twilight, weird (lame) sparkly music with sparkle Edward, Bella’s accident scene (Edward only had to push the van away once), the entire field trip and when Edward is mean to Bella in front of the bus. The Cullen family laughing when they smell a human.) So I guess that happens when you’ve read Twilight a gazillion times.

    ps me too (falling in love with RTP)! Life changing alteration took place afterwards! LOL!

    • I totally agree with you about the kitchen scene where Bella says: “I’ll be the meal” and they all laugh at her.. it was terrible terrible terrible.

  20. UC, is it ok that I am in love with you? Is it ok with your husband? Just tell me now.

    But seriously, that was the best post ever, and I felt like I was in a church since I was standing up yellin’ “AMEN, SISTAH!” every 2 seconds.

    Thank you for hating the “monkey man” business. Thank you for not apprreciating Eric. Thank you for not liking “Say it out loud”.

    And buttcrack santa? He needed to die.

    • oh lauren.. you can be in love with me b/c i am with you!

      it IS like church when I write! HAHAHAHAH:) XO

  21. @JBell – I’ll admit that I laughed out load at the worm thing also…there I said it. It just reminded me how lame high school was and how the boys really did act that ridiculous. I’m guessing that was the whole point, so we could all appreciate Edward’s “old soul”.

    @Lacey and UC – I also think the volleyball scene was too perfect for breaking in the mind of Jessica! I thought it was great the way it was!

  22. @ amber- thats a good point, I guess the cheesiness of the highschoolers did emphasize edwards maturity. but i cringed everytime eric referred to her as “baby”. gahh.

  23. @Lacey – Yeah, I would say Eric was a bit more crass that I thought he should be.

    • And a lot more gay.

  24. I’ve got to say, Victoria’s bit at the end still drives me insane! One of the main plot lines of the series is Victoria seeking revenge on Bella & Edward, but yet when she sees them dancing at the prom – right in front of her – all she does is a Lauren Conrad-esque cry (smeared mascara), a Pantene-commercial hair flick (that’ll teach ‘em) and walk down the stairs? And that scene sets her up as the main antagonist for New Moon, which we all know is not that case. I mean, what is that??

    • As for the whole Victoria at the end scene…I don’t think they really emphasized Edward’s mind-reading abilities like they should have.Therefore, keeping in context with the rest of the script, her going undetected at the prom was not a big deal, at least to the uninitiated.

      I mean, she was at the jukebox in the same room for gawd’s sake! Every hair on Edward’s head would have been standing up!!

      • @Emma – Funny you mention the set up part, because my mom (watched movie but not read books) said, “Well I guess we know who the bad guy is in the next book.” I just shook my head and said it was much more complicated than that.

  25. OMG! I love this article, and i feel the same way about it all! I had such a great laugh, thank you for putting down what i thought! For me the worse part was the Eric character!

  26. I thought the spider monkey/ monkey man thing added a little bit of humor to the scenes, even if it was a little bit out of character. In an interview somewhere (ugh, I’ve seen waaaay too many of them), Rob says Kathrine gave him a list of possible things to say there and that was the one he liked best. So blame it on Rob :-p.

    I hated the “You need to see me in the sunlight” thing. It’s like wtf? Is she supposed to run screaming vs. laugh at you sparkling? Because personally, if a guy had just tried to scare the crap outta me and then started sparkling, I would laugh. Their timing on that sucked.

    I had friends kinda like Eric in high school. He’s just the dorky awkward kid. I love the personality of the guy that plays him. I totally agree that showing the immaturity in the other teens highlighted how mature bella was and kinda made the others stand out. I mean, thats how teenage boys act. Its annoying and stupid but I remember guys doing that crap.

    The buttcrack santa thing made me laugh. Very very creepy, but I giggle everytime I hear it :)

  27. I totally agree… but you should consider yourself lucky!

    You. Have. No. Idea. HOW AGONIZING THE GERMAN DUBBING IS!!!!

    I don’t even know how to describe in english (which isn’t my mother tongue obviously), but it is simpy unbearable.

    The “say it out loud” part for example is: “Sag es. Ich will es hoeren”
    which would translate back to: “Say it. I want to hear it!”
    Not to mention the terrible German voice (always angry, always!)

    And when Edward is at Bella’s bed in the hospital, they translated “the worst thing…” into: “Das Schlimmste an der Sache…”, which translates back to: “the worst about that thing…”
    I mean – jeeeesus – saving her life by superhuman self restraint (while Rob’s heartbreaking rendition of “Let me sign” is playing in the background) is an “thing”????

    Hey, believe me, you ARE lucky!!!

    Sorry for my lack of self restraint here :-)
    I am so thankful that DVDs are multilingual… *sigh*

    • u can’t hear rob’s delicious voice!? AY!! the horror!!!!!

      • Yes I can! (no Obama pun intended)
        Knew how to help myself…

        Well, let me put it this way:

        I probably replayed the restaurant scene on youtube
        at least 300 times just to listen to:
        “I feel very protective of you”.

  28. The whole woods scene with the “Say it-Out Loud” then the sparkling made me CRACK UP in the theater when I first saw it.
    It seemed too intense…like that part in the book was intense but, that was ridiculous. Plus, the sparkling. Oh lord. I had such high expectations for it and I felt like I was watching bad 1970s movie effects.
    But Rob had his shirt open. So I was appeased…and drooling. :-P

  29. My problems with Victoria being actually at the prom (you actually see her in the Monte Carlo room a couple times):
    –Edward would have smelled her.
    –Edward would have heard her.
    –Alice should have seen her make the decision to go to prom.
    –Presumably the other Cullens are there and we just don’t see them. If this is true Jasper should be feeling her emotions. Not too many high school students should be feeling that homocidal, so she should be easy to spot.
    –The students should be mourning the loss of a fellow student and wondering why the stranger is wearing her dress.

    It’s all good at the end though. I think that shot of Victoria coming down the stairs is the best acting in the whole dang movie. Her face is ice cold and angry and just melts into bliss, and you know that she’s made her decision and is forming her evil plan.

    • you nailed it!!
      Victoria at the very end was the best part in the movie! thats a WIN!
      it left the audience about the sequel… and the intensity of the coming vamp fight. Its now up to NM to carry on the legacy some believable vamp fight.

  30. [...] roles should really go to those who are actually the ethnicity of the characters.  If we can make Eric’s character a gaysian, then surely we can make an effort to get a few ACTUAL Native Americans to play some of the KEY [...]

  31. Finally, someone who agress with Me! I can’t tell you how amazing it is to hear this! Course, there are other people I know who agree as well, I can add you to my list. :D

    “You better hold on tight, Spider Monkey.” – Edward
    “*Giggles*” – Bella
    I almost laughed my ass off.
    xoxo,
    Alexx

  32. UC.. you have hit the nail on the head with this one. HILARIOUS!!
    Helloooo.. ofcourse Edward would know she was there.. wtf were they thinking?? I was thinking the same things as you.. esp with Nikki, kiss my ass you aint getting my Rob, Reed. Monkey man? More like “why do I look like a monkey” with her flat face. ARGHHH I cant stand her as Rosalie. OK-sorry-I digress.

    I loved this letter and who knows.. maybe Buttcrack Santa will deliver a good New Moon for us having to endure the Twilight that fell short.

    much love
    Heather

    • i had hoped to have seen much more of buttcrack santa.. so sad they killed him off.. oh well, maybe they can create a story-line for buttcrack plumber.. or Mike Newton’s dad- Buttcrack Outfitter Store Owner

  33. [...] send her to our sites! mutemathlover: i did, she loves it. she shit out her lunch laughing over buttcrack santa. I had no idea what she was talking about. she called me laughing. i was like “buttcrack [...]

  34. Letter to Twilight

    I agree with the comments on this site- the corny one-liners are shameful. The restaurant scene where Edward read’s the other patron’s minds and says, “Sex…money… sex…money…cat” simply embarrassed me. If that was ad-lib then Robert needs to be sent to his trailer to re-read Twilight (or better yet, Midnight Sun.) Oh yes, and those monkey references. While Edward Cullen does have a wonderful sense of humor, he is not silly. And last time I checked, Rosalie Hale has no detectable sense of humor.

    It bothered me almost as much as Bella and Edward’s curt and uncomfortable verbal exchanges. Edward is 100+ years old, astute and well-spoken, not to mention wry and witty, intelligent and complex, but above all, not a slow, poorly-enunciating dullard with nothing interesting to say. The only time in which they (apparently) have more than 11 words of conversation are in the post-makeout bedroom scene and the dialogue is MUTED for Pete’s sake. For me, the moment that tipped it off was Patty-poo’s very first half-gargled “hello” in Biology. **Desperate plea to Chris Weitz: please get Robert some additional vocal training. Maybe he wouldn’t come off as such a Neanderthal if he was more comfortable with his American accent.

    And what is with Bella’s stammering? I get that she is supposed to be “dazzled” by Edward and flustered by the sudden intensity of their mutual attraction. But if I hadn’t read the book, I would have assumed that Bella is some sort of socially inept dimwit (with enunciation issues to match Edward’s) and not a diligent AP student with a very dog-eared copy of Austen’s collected works who was stupefied by Edward’s hypnotic vampire powers.

    And don’t get me started on the visual portrayal of the Cullen/Hale clan. I thought they were supposed to be pale with cold “marble” lips. In my interpretation, that means very little pigment. Yet in the film, all the vamps look like they’ve just noshed on a sackful of Red Dye No. 40. Maybe we can blame it on those Twizzlers (or Red Vines?) that are tossed about during the movie. The actors probably couldn’t leave ‘em alone so they had to “write in” those red pouts.

    And when the CGI nerds are removing the “wires” used in those ridiculous running/climbing sequences, have them remove the edge of Robert’s “liquid topaz” contact lenses. Sheesh people, it’s those Film Editing 101 kind of mistakes that ruin the imagery and make it hard for us fans to slip into the fantasy.

    Let me say that despite its many short-comings I do adore the movie and am soooo looking forward to New Moon. I am glad to get some new directing talent in there and pray they will address some of the more obvious boo-boos that can’t be blamed on the small budget.

  35. [...] haven’t yet realized, “This movie really kinda blows apart from Robert Pattinson & Buttcrack Santa.” They think they’re alone- oblivious to the MILLIONS of affected women out there. They [...]

  36. [...] Team Buttcrack Santa –long live the best non-canon, most useless character ever [...]

  37. Ok umm he was not known as “buttcrack Santa” because you saw his crack one year when he was playing Santa! Buttcrack Santa (or santa’s buttcrack) is a type of beer that’s why be said “kids love those little bottles,” guessing he gave them alcohol. Geez search the web a little bit before you post dumbass shit!!!

    • um the waitress CALLS him buttcrack santa! thanks!

    • you’re a bitch!

  38. ok you’re an idiot! When you say “Buttcrack Santa” I hope you don’t think that he played Santa one year and kids saw his buttcrack. Buttcrack Santa (also known ass Santa’s butt) is a type of beer dumbass! That’s why he said “kids love those little bottles” meaning that he gave them alcohol god! do some research before you post dumbass shit!

  39. ok you’re an idiot! When you say “Buttcrack Santa” I hope you don’t think that he played Santa one year and kids saw his buttcrack. Buttcrack Santa (also known as Santa’s butt) is a type of beer dumbass! That’s why he said “kids love those little bottles” meaning that he gave them alcohol god! do some research before you post dumbass shit!

  40. I thought that Rob needs to wax his chest! I was like ewwww yea his skin really looks as smooth as marble! I like Kristen as Bella but she is one of the worst actors ever, like when Edward said he was going to leave at the end, she like spazzed out like a freak, she doesn’t even have any emotion when she acts, even in the new moon trailer she just stands there and has no feeling. Oh yea and someone do me a favor and count how many times she blinks rapidly in all of twilight. I think it’s somewhere around 159,651,946,941,692,485,461,987,456,385,849,495,9350,905!!!

  41. twilightmom,

    “And what is with Bella’s stammering? I get that she is supposed to be “dazzled” by Edward and flustered by the sudden intensity of their mutual attraction. But if I hadn’t read the book, I would have assumed that Bella is some sort of socially inept dimwit (with enunciation issues to match Edward’s) and not a diligent AP student with a very dog-eared copy of Austen’s collected works who was stupefied by Edward’s hypnotic vampire powers.”

    you are so right!!! as soon as I read this I burst out laughing. Thanks for making my day!

  42. You guys suck D= stop being mean about Twilight i bet if you made it there would be mistakes in it to! i think catherine hardwick did an awsome job.

  43. Robert Pattinson actually chose to say the line spider monkey from a list of other lines to say in that scene. So i would rethink you’re love of Rob Pattinson if you think that’s stupid. Btw i thought that line was ridiculous as well.

  44. [...] of this for what seems like forever, who have an intimate understanding of the fears & hurts of Buttcrack Santa, who understand WHY PattinsonPants lady wears what she wears (Rob DID look her way!), who miss the [...]

  45. [...] on April 14, 2010 by unintendedchoice We love the Twilight supporting cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even [...]

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