To Michael Oregano:


cute little italian spice

Dear Michael Arangano,

Hey. I know I haven’t been the nicest to you in the past, so I’m writing to apologize. Plus you’re kinda cute in this picture, and that’s the first time I’ve thought that. So good job.

Anyway, I’ve been feeling kinda bad for you with all the tweens of the world hoping for a KStew + RPattz hook-up and all. That’s really gotta suck, especially when you’re competing with this guy. 


this guy is hotter than you, just sayin'

So, I wanna let you know I’m on your side. I’m really, really hoping you and Kristen pull through all the drama and the (at least) two more Twilight-saga  movies she’s gotta do and stay in love ‘n stuff. And I’m not just saying that b/c I’m selfish and want her to keep her grimey little hands off of Rob.  Well, I’m 90% saying that b/c I don’t want her touching Rob, but 10% of me just doesn’t want to see true love fail, ya know?

I know what you’re asking. Why now, UnintendedChoice? Why all the love when all this time you’ve made fun of me for how I look, for the fact that I was in Seabiscuit and called me Michael Oregano? It’s a fair question because I didn’t think this day would come, but I kind of got a glimpse of how you feel on a daily basis with all this Kris/Rob shizzat when I saw this picture last night: 


they were just playing 'sleep-over' no, she was helping him wax his chest, no, they were in alaska in the wilderness and he took off her shirt to save her life...

Those are some CRAZY fans with CRAZY photoshopping skillz. (Source) and I’ll be honest, for a split second I thought it was real (and his hair is SHORT, so you know it was recent) until I realized Perez posted that pic of his face last week.

So, I feel awful for you (and for me- how do you think I feel seeing Rob in bed with a ho beautiful young woman?) and wanted to let you know I’m on Team Michael Oregano (it’s a cute name, I’m not stopping, take what you can get) Oh- and yesterday I randomly came across Robert/Kristen fan fiction (yep, not Edward/Bella fan fiction, but a love story about ROBERT AND KRISTEN) No, I will not post the link because it’s too 2nd hand embarassing (well, it’s 90% b/c it’s 2nd hand embarassing and 10% because I’m embarassed that I read all 9 chapters at work.)

Also, I wanted to let you know that apparently Kristen is preggers, although I think it’s probably Michael Welch’s baby. You know he and Kristen were playing “Bella decides to stay human and has a boring life with Mike Newton” in her trailer.

please inform your gf that her hand looks like a man's hand

please inform your gf that her hand looks like a man's hand

K bye,

42 Responses

  1. You know the second he reads this, he’ll be getting his blaze on.

    Wait…he’ll be getting it on anyway.

    • dear oregano, please don’t off yourself. we know your gf is trying as hard as she can to rub her filthy hands all over rob’s muscular, pale, perfect, sexy yet artistic and charming chest but relax. I’m on the job. I plan to have Her back to you post haste, oh and could you please try to be like, i don’t know, hotter? It would really help me out.

      Here’s hoping your skank box, i mean sweetheart, stays with you,

  2. Robert and Kristen fiction?!? Seriously. Don’t post it here. I don’t want to have that embarrassed feeling from reading it all as well.

    I’m on Team Michael Oregano with you!! Keep winning her over everyday. It may get to be pretty difficult if they decide to make Breaking Dawn into a movie. C’mon, Rob, feathers, broken headboards…mmmmmm, who could resist?!?

  3. OMG I almost shit my pants when I saw the fake pic of Rob and Kstew….But I’m with you UC Team Michael Oregano…for all selfish purposes on my part!! BTW I love the whole man hands comment on KStew’s preggers pic…kind of remind me of the Frodo hands…wonder if she has Frodo feet to go along? LOL

  4. P.S.
    Thanks for sparing us the 2nd hand embarrassement with the Rob/Kstew fiction crap…I don’t think my gag reflexes could take it!!!

  5. “10% because I’m embarassed that I read all 9 chapters at work”

    Shut up. That is so something I would do. Then I would be sickened by myself for a while. Then I would probably check back to see if they posted more chapters because it was so horrible that is was addicting haha!

  6. Michael Oregano – that is the best nickname ever!
    ANd i’m pretty sure those man hands belong to Kstew because to be honest, she comes off man-ish to me…

  7. OMG, you totally just made me laugh 2 posts in a row. Love this letter to Oregano. That pic of KStew preg, I didn’t notice the hands til I read the caption.

  8. I found a new reason to learn photoshop……with that said, look out for the soon-to-be-realeased pics of our tropical wedding in Jamaica!! (and maybe some exclusive, yet scandalous ones from the honeymoon) =)

  9. @UC -loving it! Yes, that’s right…. Mr. Oregano stay with HER!
    That pic almost stopped my heart yesterday- but luckily the (venom) did not spread! Ha ha!

  10. Ha ha! Michael Oregano!!!

  11. omg HER HANDS!! hahahaha man hands

    also – LOVED LOVED michael oregano in almost famous, my favorite movie of all time. AND as jacks son on will n grace. MAKE IT WORK KIDS!!

  12. @moon–there are many reasons I love you, and live vicariously through you. But you had o go and mention Almost Famous. Oregano=Young William Miller.

    Will you marry me? I already asked UC, but I think we’ve established our quad. Ahem.

    Writing you now…

  13. I came across the RPattz/KStew fanfic the other day and had a little brain spasm. Someone, either Random or OMB (I don’t remember which because the topic so addled my brain), assured me that you can’t write fanfic about real people. It has to be about fictional characters, or it’s not fanfic…it’s just gross. I couldn’t read it to see what it was all about.

  14. Oh my, you had me at “oregano.” Hilarious.

  15. Ok guys, don’t hate me for this…but I’m one of the ones who would totes love it if Rob and Kristen got together.

    *ducks head*

    After watching them together, it’s obvious that he likes her, and if he can’t be with me (or any of you lovely ladies), then they would be cute together!

    I really hope I’m not banned after this lol

  16. @JonetteCullen,
    who said he couldn’t be with any of us??

  17. @JonetteCullen- Don’t feel bad, I used to feel that way, too. But then again, the key word here is ‘used’. Haha. But then I, like UC, became way too selfish and now I cannot stand to see them together at all! He belongs with ME! (Or, of course, one of you others! hehe)

    Anyway, @UC- love, loved your letter! I am definitely Team Michael now… You keep fightin, kid!! You deserve her… cuz, well, she sure as hell doesn’t deserve Rob!!! So at least she’s lucky you’ll take her! Just make sure you learn some new, wild things for her in bed after she shoots scenes with Rob.. cuz she’ll need something, ANYTHING to get over being with him! And we’re all holding you to that… MAKE HER FORGET!!!! 🙂

  18. @Mrs. P – oh, he will DEFINITELY be with me…. er, I mean, one of us!!! 🙂 Someday, somehow… it WILL happen!

  19. Aw, you know Rob and Kristen were totally doing it… all those cold, rainy nights in the Pacific Northwest when her bf was not around. Totally doing it.

  20. @ginger… DO NOT even say that!!! lol

  21. @UC – No, I would never say you’re gross. I’m your #1 Fan. 🙂

  22. haha totally true.
    rob + kristen = kristen – michael.

  23. ROFL…I can’t leave a decent comment…I’m laughing too hard.

  24. @ ginger…nah,rob was doing it with me on those cold,rainy nights in the pacific northwest *grins evilly*

  25. I’m with Jonette. Whenever shes asked about eternal love or relationships like Bella and Edwards she shys away from it, says she wishes shes ever felt that way or that it can only happen in a supernatural world. I think they’re only together out of familiarity not necessarily strong love at this point. At least from her side. She’s too young to settle with one person yet.

  26. […] kristen stewart has no boyfriend – HAHA this might be news to Mikey Oregano […]

  27. […] 99.7% certain that Rob and Kristen hooked up while filming, despite the whole Michael Oregano […]

  28. […] 99.7% certain that Rob and Kristen hooked up while filming, despite the whole Michael Oregano […]

  29. […] away from filming with buff Taylor and kissing Rob or walking around town with her fake boyfriend Oregano, what will she think when she reads these LIES? Or maybe this is all part of your secret ploy to […]

  30. […] make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with […]

  31. […] makes me like you a bit too, ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast […]

  32. […] lady wears what she wears (Rob DID look her way!), who miss the simple days of fake lesbians and Italian Spices and have hoped every day for an invite to Kellan Lutz’ Wednesday Night Prayer group, we […]

  33. […] what? I have determined that this face was the look you used all throughout 2008 whenever you saw Oregano. In 2009, you used it exclusively on Nikki Reed. In 2010, you’ve expanded this look to […]

  34. […] cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even if they were killed off in the first movie, don’t […]

  35. […] cast- we really do. From Butcrack Santa to Tequila Tomas, and Big Daddy Lautner to Michael Oregano we can’t get enough of them. Even if they were killed off in the first movie, don’t […]

  36. […] my hubby & I got to the resort we tried to track down some grub. What did we see? Oh, Oregano, the Italian pizzeria, of […]

  37. […] make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with RobWe won’t mention your sour-puss-ishnessWe won’t get mad at your hatred towards […]

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