Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart


Dear Kristen-

Since today is your birthday- 19!- you’re old now. Rob and Taylor, after we reminded them, totally wanted to get you something extra special for your birthday, since you’re their main girl. I mean, you do play Bella, and they’re always having to save you n’ shiz. So they went all out… cake, balloons, party favors! You know, the stuff 19-yr-old girls like yourself are REALLY into.

We thought long and hard (that’s what she said) about what we could do for you on your 19th. It wasn’t easy, but we figured it out. We started first by coming up with a list of what we won’t do or say today:

  • We won’t talk about your fake lesbian relationship with Nikki Reed
  • We won’t make you feel bad that you have cheated on, are cheating on and will continue to cheat on Michael Oregano with Rob
  • We won’t mention your sour-puss-ishness
  • We won’t get mad at your hatred towards Twilight fans (or annoyed that you pretend to like them for PR purposes)
  • We won’t discuss your often hideous taste in clothing (when your stylist isn’t around)
  • We won’t mention interview neuroses and how you’re so 2nd-hand embarrassing to watch

We will:

  • Mention that Adventureland looks good, and it got some good reviews (including some from former KStew-haters, so WIN for you!)
  • Say you looked very pretty in those Nylon pics
  • Tell you you look nice when you wear a mini skirt– you have hot legs and we’re a wee bit jealous
  • Say you really do have a pretty face
  • Mention we think you’re a pretty damn good actress in everything but Twilight
  • Confess that we’re jealous that you get to make-out with the hottest guy on planet earth
  • Present to you another haiku by the infamous Kristen/Bella haiku-writer, The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike:

He watches you sleep
And makes strange faces in class
Creepy, creepy boy

So, happy birthday from us and all the guys and gals at LTT! We trust that, since the legal drinking age in Canada is 19, you’ll be getting your drink on with Rob, Taylor n’ the gang tonight. Watch out for drunken late-night mistakes. Word on the street is that Justin Chon is in town- no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.

UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

PS The guys told us to tell you sorry about the balloon… that’s the only one 7/11 had at 3 in the morning. You know boys!

Thanks for the reminder, JBell! And thanks to The Quad, as always!

56 Responses

  1. […] See original here:  Happy Birthday Kristen Stewart « Letters to Twilight […]

  2. Dear Kristen,
    Happy Birthday! We are both aries! You see, I just had a birthday recently and as 10 years your senior (and someone completely jealous of your c*ck-tease relationship with Rob) I have some words of wisdom for you: Stay the hell away from my man.

  3. i thought the drinking age in canada is 18? and word of advice the alcohol content in beer in canada is higher than that of the us so it is like drinking moon shine…. trust me i doesn’t take as much to get drunk so…… so another lesson learned from a much older experienced alcoholic i mean experienced beer drinker. happy 19th. i wish i was still 19!

    • i asked the hubby what the drinking age is b/c i know he used to sneak into canada (well, he probably walked in freely) to drink before turning 21.. he said 19, i thought 19.. but i didn’t look it up.. b/c if it turned out to be 18.. then that would ruin my fun!

      • i googled it. it depends on the provence but i know when i went with my sorority niagara falls that some of the girls were 18 and were able to drink. looks like depending where they are the drinking age ranges from 18-20. another word of advice if you are drinking in canada don’t go to niagara falls hung-over.

  4. Haiku is the shizz! Tell Bff James look-a-like it rocked!

    Thanks for the reminder ladies. Now I need to get her a card. 🙂

  5. “He watches you sleep
    And makes strange faces in class
    Creepy, creepy boy”


    Coffee all over the screen.. danka.. danka.

  6. happy bday kstew..ditch the spice, get drunk and make alot of bad decisions tonite..luv, mel. xxx.

  7. Happy Birthday Kristen,

    May you have many, many more!


  8. dear b’day girl: i just got back from seeing your vampire movie 9again) tonight and so i retrospectively dedicate the viewing to you. i hope you get loads o vitamin r on set and off and your real life bf stays away so your onscreen bf can help you celebrate, you lucky <s.bitch thing.

  9. dear b’day girl: i just got back from seeing your vampire movie (again) tonight and so i retrospectively dedicate the viewing to you. i hope you get loads o vitamin r on set and off and your real life bf stays away so your onscreen bf can help you celebrate, you lucky <s.bitch thing.

  10. dear b’day girl: i just got back from seeing your vampire movie (again) tonight and so i retrospectively dedicate the viewing to you. i hope you get loads o vitamin r on set and off and your real life bf stays away so your onscreen bf can help you celebrate, you lucky bitch thing.

  11. Happy Birthday Kristen!

    May you be the one that gets more Oscars than Robert, and make more movies so we can watch them with our mouth wattering.

    May you have the happiest birthday in your life and have more others!

  12. I looked all over Target for a Precious Moments b-day card to send to her.

  13. Thank you KStew for wooing my DH to Team Bella. He said this morning that it’ll be easier to remember our wedding anniversary knowing it’s the day after your birthday.

    Anyway, your gift from me, going to see Adventureland tomorrow night as part of above mentioned wedding anniversary. You’re welcome!

  14. At the age of 19 you can start drinking or do a bit more…

  15. That haiku almost made me pee my pants. Priceless.

  16. The Bff James look-alike will love that you loved his Haiku!

    I love the awesome picture Moon created- Rob & Tay looking hot, Kristen looking NOT hot.. priceless.

    Happy Birthday Kristen!

  17. ‘no one wants to see a sour-puss/Chon baby look-alike, so try and keep it in your pants.’ PRICELESS!!! AND SO TRUE!!!! I was laughing so hard my students thought i’d lost my mind!!! Indeed Happy Birthday to sourpuss!!! 🙂

  18. O yea and BIG KUDOS on th haiku…tell bff James he did a great job!!! 🙂

  19. Aww hell. Bday wishes for KStew?!

    Ok…ok..I can do this….nicely.


    Dear Kristen,

    I don’t wanna spoil the suprise, but I heard that the cast all chipped in got you 37lbs of Twinkies. Thoughtful aren’t they? (It was all Kellan’s idea. He gets hella pissed when you raid his snack/candy stash during your late night ‘munchy-runs’.)

    You’re so lucky. Angsty makeout scenes with Robward, Twinkies, haikus from ‘The Bff-aka James the Vamp look-alike’ & now you get to have hot-drunk-sex with Rob legally. This should be the best bday ever. Just keep an eye on your drinks around your stalker/fake lesbo bff. mmkay?! Oh & Happy Bithday.


  20. I’m too bitter to wish KStew a happy birthday, but I will say that, along with everyone else, I lol’ed at the fantastic haiku. It has made my day. Thanks!

  21. Dear Kristen,
    I want to say happy birthday
    However I cannot promise not to make fun of you today in fact I promise to make fun of you and your fake lesbian h friend all day, get heli drunk and make sure you’re close to a toilet. Lwould hate to see the paps get pictura of rob with your vomit on him have fun!

  22. Happy B-Day!

    I have to say, I am a KStew fan, keeping in mind I don’t love all her antics and her bff relationship w/NReed REALLY bugs me for some reason. Can’t she chillax w/Ashley, who we all love and adore and obvi has a better personality? I guess potheads and rude, snarky girls stick together. Whatevs.

    K, I’m reposting this here b/c I posted in Sourpuss and then realized how old that thread was.

    In response to Mrs. P posting a link to KStew making a face next to Rob SourPuss:

    That’s from the Rome Film Festival Q&A, I think. I remember watching one of the parts, and they have to keep the headphones on for translation, and Kristen said, “Sorry, I missed the question b/c I stupidly had my headphones off.” And then looked at Rob for guidance? I actually cringed at that. So embarassing and rude!

    I am one of the KStew fans though, so don’t hate on me! I think she’s doing a great job for what’s been suddenly thrust into her life. I do hate that I hear negative things about her and her feelings on Twilight (who knows if they’re actually true) and it sort of taints the movies for me. Like she doesn’t really want to be doing it. But then I think she does. *sigh* Ah well.

  23. Happy Birthday to you!
    Happy Birthday to you!
    Happy Birthdday K-steeeewww.
    You smell like a pot head,
    and you look like one toooooo!

    Happy Bday!

    love me!

    • Hilarious! She totally going to have one of those boring stoner birthdays instead of going out to get drunk. Come on Kristen, you get to experience the Canadian 21 run – The Fighting 19. Do it! Just don’t get drunk and make out with Taylor, okay? He’s innocent and you’re… not.

      • seriously, I’m wondering whether they’ll ever kiss privately, like, to rehearse. Because, gah! That would be so weird.
        Rehearsing with Rob isn’t weird. It’s … an obligatory follow-up of being near him. Rob is … *swoon*. Of course THEY practiced.

    • WIN!

  24. BTW,

    I am totes watching the movie on my iPod touch right now WHILE working. Tee hee hee…

  25. Happy Birthday kristen!!
    i love you kris!!
    q la pases bien!!
    para mi vos y tus compañeras de twilight son las mujeres mas hermosas del mundo!!
    amo twilight!!
    bue.. te deseo lo mejor!!
    felices pascuas!!
    your fan for ever!!

  26. LOL, Happy Birthday Kristen! Here’s hoping this year makes you about 5 years wiser and brings with it a pot patch, a happier attitude and a better grasp of how to play the role of Bella.

  27. Happy B-Day Kris! ^^
    19, wow. It feels like that girl was only 18 yesterday. (lmao)
    xoxo Alexx

  28. Happy Anniversary of your parents having sex 19 years ago.

    I’m kidding.

    My gift to you is: Today I won’t roll my eyes when you stutter/lipbite

    lots of love!

    • Psst: i think we need to teach Malia how babies are made:

      I think today might be the 19 yr 9 mo anniversary of the Stewarts gettin’ it on, Malia!

      aww!!! ask your edward-hubby to teach you!! I BET he’d be willing!!!

  29. word around town is that nikki reed just got back to vancouver. she happened to make it just in time for her bff’s birthday. yay.

    happy 22nd birthday jesse mccartney.

  30. Haha! That made me laugh so hard. How do you come up with these things? If you could die from laughing i would be in the morgue right now.

    Don’t ever stop writing, reading this blog is like being hit in the face with wonderfull sunflowers. It’s painful (from laughing to hard) but it will always make me smile.

    I am crap at explanations but you get my point… if you don’t; What I am trying to say is. I LOVE LTT!

  31. dear kristen,

    what’s up home girl? 19 huh? time to celebrate, you’re alive!

    hope you’re being safe,


  32. Dear Kristen,

    Happy Birthday! It’s after midnight, but I’m guessing you’re still partying. I’m still up. Why don’t you drunk dial call me and I can ask you some questions while you’re under the influence we can have a nice birthday chat. Mwahaha! Cheers!


  33. Has anyone read this?
    I really like that story, she sounds really cute in there …

  34. Well done,
    happy bday Kristen!

  35. Aww, see, I knew you guys could give her love :-p. I bet Robs giving her some loving right now… You know, it kinda sucks for her. She doesn’t have the “dude, shes only 18” excuse anymore. Nope, 19 is the sucky time where your officially a pre-adult and start being expected shit. Luckily, shes been much better behaved lately. *hugs* Happy bday Kristen…

  36. […] threw the best online Birthday Party a 19 yr old could ask for The BFF James look alike fell in love with her and created Haiku’s […]

  37. I wanted to wish you a very Happy Birthday Kristen. YOUR 20 enjoy as we enjoy your presence.

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