Chris Hansen: Protector of underage wolves & this girl’s worst enemy

I was browsing our mailbox looking for something amazing to share with you today, and I came across two honest letters from this reader, who loves all the wolves, whether Chris Hansen likes it or not:

jakesmolder

I'll detour you right into a wall.....

Dear Twilight (in all shapes and forms),

I’m that kind of girl…you know who I’m talking about- the girl who wants to be a hip early 20something, foreign-films-with-subtitles watching and epic poetry-reciting- type. Instead I’ve become the girl who takes a detour during work just so I can get a glimpse of the new “New Moon” cover with the smoldering Taylor on it, covers my face when I ask for a magazine with anything Twilight related and gets ignored when I send pics of Boo Boo Stewart to my friends, nonchalantly hoping for a fangirl reaction. In other words…my name is IllegalWolfLover and I’m a Twilosexual.

The only people who knew of my problem before this letter were my fiance (who is slowly morphing into a unicorn) and my cat (who perfectly embodies both Edward and Jacob with smoldering stares and excessive body heat). I haven’t even told my parents, and I have a feeling they’d feel better if I was admitting to being a fake-lesbian rather than this thing I’ve become.

I can understand why someone would want to wear this...

I can understand why someone would want to wear this...

I want to wear a Twilight tee with pride rather than sneering at the 8 year olds who wear “Team Jacob” tees just because their moms can’t. I want to be able to talk about the wonder of Edward and Jacob and the steamy goodness of “Team Switzerland” without having a million people roll their eyes at me. And finally, I want to make peace with myself for not going to the midnight screening just because I don’t want fangirls screaming and disturbing my viewing pleasure. I wanna be outed, but no one (sniff) no one cares….Tell me, you “loud and proud” amazing Twilighters, what is a girl to do?

I have resorted to pulling an “Eddie” and driving around fan-sites (in my mustard yellow ford transit) and perving, but now I have decided…I’m putting the candy out there and hopefully I will lure in a friend….we can hold hands and tell my parents….together….

Thanks for listening,
A lonely Jort in Jacob’s closet,

IllegalWolfLover

Dear “Jacob’s Transformation” clip,

We need to talk…*pats seat beside her*. I know you dread those four words more than Big Daddy dreads dropping his last filet-o-fish on the street, but I need to tell you something…I think I should start seeing other clips. No please don’t cry, you know I hate it when you do that…let me explain…ever since we first met a few days ago….I’ve been having these feelings. Like I’m obsessed with you. Remember the night I first saw you? I couldn’t stop looking at you…I even played you in bed while my fiance was nearby. You really made my kitty meow that night.It was dangerous and exciting and it felt oh so right, but it has to end….

I have no life because of you. I’m not “down with the kids” anymore, and I wanna be able to accomplish things without knowing that watching your 1 minute of hot and dirty goodness will be my reward. But you know how to keep me coming back for more don’t you? You keep teasing me with little things I didn’t notice before like how hot Paulex is (even when he sprays a little in his anger) or how Taycob stumbles just a liiiitle bit during his run, or Sam’s Alpha voice.

But worst of all, you’re making me fall in love with you, and believe me, I’m not that kind of girl….you even made me impatient to get to you…before I knew it I was shooing away Taylor’s face (gasp!) just to get to you and that’s when I realized….you’ve gone too far. So I’m deleting you…forever. It will be as if you never existed…..

I.Love.You.
IllegalWolflover

PS: Spoilers- Don’t watch if you don’t want to (PS: we saw this BEFORE Moon’s post yesterday)

Give IllegalWolfLover some much needed Twilight friends!
And hang out on The Forum
It’s Saturday- with Rob & Moon on LTR

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84 Responses

  1. Oh hon, I was there.
    Sort of.
    I kinda don’t get hot for Tay.
    Never have . . . I know; I’m sure there’s something wrong with me, too.
    He has a bitchin’ bod but it’ll always be Rob.
    And lemme tell ya, I have taken advantage of keepvid.com and downloaded YouTube vids to my iPhone.
    (You all should. It’s amazing.)
    But I digress.
    I too would love to wear a Team Ed tee.
    And while my friends know about my “problem” to a certain extent; and my mum, too (she read my blog last night. She knows.) I don’t feel ready for full public exposure.
    Baby steps, m’dear, and you will get there.

    xox

    • wow somehow i still manage to sound like a total loser…..FAIL. was this meant to be in the wierd-fan-letters-to-rob-cause-he runs-this-site section?

      • You do not sound like a loser!
        I’m sure there a heaps of peoples here that know EXACTLY what you are on about ;)

        • awww now i dont feel so bad….

          • Don’t feel bad. I’ve learned to live with my Taylust. I’ve come to realize that it’s not me, it’s HIM. He’s doing this to US. The boy can’t go five minutes without ripping his shirt off and dumping water all over his hot body for f*ck’s sake. So there, there – it’s not your fault. ;)

      • “wierd-fan-letters-to-rob-cause-he runs-this-site section”

        Have you read that part? I did the other day and I had to force myself to not comment on every single letter. They are lamespice.

        Your letter was hawtsauce! That is my highest compliment, btw. ;)

      • Hey you love under age wolves, That’s NORMAL! See how I really feel down below.

  2. “my cat (who perfectly embodies both Edward and Jacob with smoldering stares and excessive body heat)”

    I love this line!

    This morning, I felt someone breathing on my face and woke up to two giant yellow eyes staring at me. I screamed “Jesus!” Mr. Fang mumbled, “Shut up” and promptly rolled over. The cat is exactly like Edward: creepy bedroom stalker extraordinaire! Thank you for helping me realize this.

    So anyway, IllegalWolflover your letter was hilarious! :D I cannot empathize with your wolfpack obsession, except for Paul (something about that sneer on his face is hott!) but I know how it is to want to be above all this. I used to be!

    Now I see a stupid t-shirt in the mall at some crazy store and as I try to throw covert glances at the lame merchandise, some ICP loving dude tries to hit on me by calling me “a dirty muggle.” That is NOT the life I want.

    • My cat IS called Edward.
      The other one’s Charlie.
      Srsly.
      But 100% NOT after the Twi characters.

      I throw sideways glances at merch, too.
      I walk past and nonchalantly have a browse through as if I don’t know what on earth the merch is from.

    • Seriously. I don’t WANT to be a monster.

    • OMJ, people actually call you a ‘dirty muggle’ in attempts to woo you? That’s amazing. Next time I hope that you turn back to them and say, “It’s mudblood, you git.”

      • Well, the dirty muggle thing was a first for me.
        Not sure that it is a common pickup line, yet. If someone ever tries that on me again, I will definitely use your retort.

        I was actually all alone wondering around the mall on my break from class so I probably looked like fresh lunch meat to the clown lovin’ one. Scccarrryyy…

        I had to pretend that I was dense and scurry away before he proclaimed his love through white boy rap. :P

        • ;) white boy rap. ICP is sooo awful.

          Anyway, make sure you use the KStew glare when you tell them you’re actually a mudblood. Because remember, what you’re actually saying is you’re a witch, and that you’re reclaiming the filthy word, the way the gays reclaimed the word ‘queer’. So, you’re not just a witch, you’re a badass witch. Give ‘em the crazy eyes!

          • I am big fan of the KStew bitch stare. I use it often.

            I had no idea that gays reclaimed queer. I feel like I learned something important today. ;)

          • They definitely did.

  3. “You really made my kitty meow that night” – IllegalWolflover, I like you. :)

  4. Oh I completely know how you girls feel! While I love Jacob in the books, for the longest time I never really felt any sort of attraction to Taylor, but then one day (can’t say when) things started to change. Maybe it was all the yummy pictures from New Moon or when they started releasing clips from NM, but somehow along the way I’ve become afraid of Chris Hanson. I really don’t want to find Taylor so attractive because the boy is only fraking 17, but I do, and i’m ashamed, but I’ll tell you what, i’m not gonna do a darn thing to change it! Bring it on! Big Daddy Taylor and all!

    • me too! I realize I was starting to have feelings for taylor when I downloaded ALL of his GQ pics, and I felt dirty and like I owed an explanation to Rob….

      • owed an explanation! hahaha. awesome, that’s so reminiscent of the Eclipse Jacob/Bella kiss…

      • Oh my those GQ pictures!!! Those totally did NOT help the growing obsession!

  5. Is it just me or is Kristen wearing shiteous nikes? Old school black ones with the white swoosh? You can see them in the clip right after Paul transforms.

    • Do you think she borrowed them from Rob??

    • Sounds like something Bella would wear!

    • yes, they are the shiteous nikes. Jacob wears them in the movie too. There is a shot in the movie companion book with him wearing them….with jorts.

      • Wow Holly, “in the movie companion book” ! Wow! I’m so impressed with your level of dedication. I fear I’ll never reach it. :(

        • There is a movie companion book.

          I am, once again, a bad fangirl…

          • I meant to put a question mark after book. It looks stupid now.

            Let me try again.

            “There is a movie companion book?”

          • I thumbs downed you for fun.

          • YES! There is a movie companion book and it’s awesome. Go buy it now…or at least check out the scans on Robsessed (it’s worth the money, though).

            I have the one for Twilight, too.

  6. Loved this letter . .. there’s no other way really, to describe the disturbing flood of sensations that Team Wolf Pack inspired clips put into a Team Cullen mind and, um, other places.

    I wanna browse merch with no shame. Unfortunately, I’m embarrassed to even THINK about going in a Hot Topic.

    • ME TOO! I seriously think about goign to Hot Topic as I lie in bed at night, as an act of defiance against my 2nd hand shame. But I just cannot bear to think of really doing it. My hope is that me and lapushbaby can do it together.

      • First I will have to figure out where it is. Bellevue Square? THEN, we can totally go together and pretend like we are shopping for our neices….. No, I mean OUT AND PROUD, BABY!! No, wait, I live around here.

        • I usually lurk on the site and I too am from your area, so I thought I’d help you out. Bel Square does NOT have a hot topic, however Alderwood and South Center do. Now, you may want to make a trip to the BP in Nordstroms. They have NM stuff :) Yep, I already got my Team Jacob shirt there *blushes*

          I’ve told myself it’s a good sleep tee ;) However I’ll probably sport it at the movie. I. Am. Lame.

    • Having a 14 year old boy who likes to wear studded belts and concert t-shirts has gotten me into Hot Topic with my head held high. That, and the manager spied the little knitting bag clipped to my purse (I’m a dork in more ways than 1!) and wants me to come show her what I’m knitting every time I’m at the mall. Luckily, the Twilight stuff is at the front, so I can look quickly as I walk back to show her my Bella mittens and Alice’s New Moon fingerless gloves.

  7. IllegalWolfLover, I would totally fangirl squeal if you sent me pics of Boo Boo Stewart. I don’t care if it’s “wrong,” because he’s “underage.” I think he’s cute, but not in the behind the dumpster kind of way… yet.

    Also, I don’t buy a lot of Twi-related magazines, but I did find a loophole when I bought the GQ with Robward on the cover. I got it at the grocery store so I could go through the U-Scan. That way no one would know.

    Anyway, love the letters! They cracked me up! And, I’ll wear Twi-merchandise if you will…

    • The LOOPHOLE… thanks for the tip.

    • You would squee over boo boo radley?! ::vomits:: TS squeaks out the words like bella, “really? really?” “tuesdaymidnight,” TS mouths, her voice choking back on a sob, “Who are you?” ::cries::
      You’re my Billy Burke lover, tuesday! What is going on? ::wipes tears with her TeamWriteAConsistentPlotline tissue:: M-m-maybe I-I-I look l-l-like a pe-pedo, what with my name being TeamSeth and all, b-but ::sniffles:: I’m not. Seth Morgan is well over 18, thank you very much. I mean, er, what? No, no. I didn’t mean that, he’s not someone who should be fangirled. I’m fangirling Billy Burke. I’m fangirling David Slade if necessary to get me out of this. No! No, please believe me. ::moans:: “Oh no!”

      • I unfollowed Booboo (is it one word or two?) on twitter because I felt like a pedophile for just reading his tweets.

        No way in HALE am I a fangirl of that.

        That would be like loving that little kid that was Usher’s protege or whatever… Can’t remember the name. I know that I can “google it” but I don’t want the evidence on my computer. ;)

        • Oh PUH-LEEZE! I got 5 words for you: Nick Carter and Justin Timberlake,

          And now for some ridic-ridiculousness:

          • oops! here’s the ridic-ridiculousness

          • That is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

            Now, I must delete my computer history. Not that he even knows how to check it but Mr. Fang would die if he knew I was on a Rob site AND looking at a small child’s music video.

            PS Justin Timberlake is hawt now but when Nsync was in and I was in middle school, I thought it was stupid. I was a big fan of Ozzy then trying to be hardcore. I suck at being hardcore, btw.

            PPS I hope you had to google that to know about the video or I am scared. ;)

          • Nah, it was on The New Yorker’s webpage.

            OF COURSE I HAD TO GOOGLE IT! I didn’t even know that kid existed…let alone do I keep up with Usher.

      • Haha, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t fangirl squeal over Boo Boo in a Billy Burke kinda way. I don’t LIKE like Boo Boo.

        I would fangirl squeal because I am mostly alone with my Twi-obsession, too, and I would be thrilled to be sent pics of anything Twi-related. Admittedly though, Seth is one of my favorite characters in the book.

        • Let me also confess… I wouldn’t take Taycob behind the dumpster either, even if he were 18. Or Robward for that matter. (Does anyone else think the New Moon makeup makes him look creepy (and WAY older than 17)?)

          Even though I fangirl, I like ‘em older and scruffier… and apparently copstachier. ;)

          • Seth’s definitely one of my fave characters as well. I’ve been over this though. He’s just so cool and positive in spite of all the trauma he’s gone through…and the lack of fish fry after NM. :’(

            Mmmm older and scruffier…mmmm

  8. I am so there with you, Illegalwolflover. Chris Hanson be damned.

    Love your name.

    Love your letter.

  9. OK IllegalWolfLover and potential WolfPornPossessor, I am right there with you. You’ve said everything I feel about Taycob only much much better (not there with Boo Boo…yet). But ever since I read NM for the first time, I’ve been a closeted Team Jacob member. Yeah, I eventually made peace with Edward for leaving me the way he did in NM, but a part of me (mostly my nether regions) still belong to Jacob iblametonsoflemonyjacobfanfic. Anywho, you are not alone, wolflover. The good news is that by the time Chris Hansen discovers who we really are and where we live February would have come and gone and we will have on demand Jacob in the privacy if our van, closet or whereever you keep yor under age wolves.

    Now, I do have one small issue. I lust for and love book Jacob (body, looks, humor, heat, kiss…you get the point). I like the new and improved movie Jacob, but I can not listen to Taylor Lautner as himself for any length of time. I think the guilt gets to me or something. But I feel no such thing when Jacob tells Bella through the car window “please stay here, for me”. I am like, oooh oooh Me! I’ll stay, I’ll stay!

    So, IWL, we should not feel badly because we have a lot more in common with Jacob than you think.. Have you read BD? ‘Cause if you did you would know that he has his own Chris Hansen problems. Sure, Sure 

    • “potential WolfPornPossessor” ROFLMAO!!!!

      Dont give me ideas….

      “hey girl…i know u can do laundry on my abs…but i love ur body just the way it is….dont change…”

      hahahhahahahaha

  10. Isn’t Chris Hasen only an issue if you actually live in Georgia? Otherwise he’s just breakin’ the Cullen/Quileute treaty IMO.

    IllegalWolfLover, thanks for the laugh lines today. You’re letters were truly fantastic.

    • do u think he’ll be motivated to buy a plane ticket to NZ?
      i mean…i’m sooooo far away from jailbait it wont count right? :) <3

  11. I love these letters IllegalWolfLover! You are awesome and you are not alone!!

  12. u guy sure know how to make a girl feel at home…i <3 all of u….there is an update….I WILL be going for the new moon midnight screening….fangirls be damned….(wipes away tear) u guys are really getting to me…

    and boo boo? i would like to clarify that my perversion has not hit rock bottom….yet….lolz
    i just wanted to share the excitement of the casting of a Tay mini-me….:)

    • You are a brave soul for going to a midnight screening.

      I refuse. I am going on Friday at 7:10 pm. That may be almost as bad.

    • Haha, I had to clarify too. My fangirl squeal for Boo Boo pictures would be because someone had sent me Twi-mail, not for Boo Boo specifically. Though I think he’s a good choice for Seth, got the happy-go-lucky innocence for it.

  13. ::shivering::

    just….saw…wolves….

    hnnnnnnnnn…..

    ::pool of Twigasm::

  14. I feel the same way! Twilight has become so ubiquitous that non-Twilighters are getting tired of it and starting to mock those of us who loved it long before it became a phenomenon. It’s getting to the point where I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m so obsessed because people roll their eyes and call me a fangirl. Bring back the Twilight respect, peeps!

    PS – Am I the only one that finds it hilarious when Quil (or is it Embry?) goes “tooo late noooow” in his little sing-song voice after Bella punches Paul in the face? lol.

    • Must.not.watch.to.prove.point

      Thats one of the bits the clip used to keep me hooked….put down the keyboard and step awaaaay from the computer…..

  15. Good evening everyone!! Sorry I was among the missing and I honestly don’t know how long I will be running…but I am here for the moment….
    I have to say I loved illegawolflover’s letter.. !!
    But my love for Robward is all consuming….I was so upset last night because I was…I can hardly even say it…unable to watch Twilight!.. teardrop… ok sobs! I didn’t sleep/couldn’t sleep without the familiar sounds of Twilight in my ears!! The thought that I might have to go another night without forced me to do the unthinkable..break my DVD door to get it out of my computer…(yes hanging my head in shame) but I will not suffer through another night without Edward…I mean Twilight…so I am prepared….Also in case I am off the grid again without warning…I will be getting my tooth pulled..(provided my hubs sticks to the agreement and locks the surgeons door once I am inside) on Monday so I may be again among the missing either due to no computer or just out of commission. So someone plz take notes so I won’t miss anything…BTW wearing my Edward shirt proudly (and cause, well I am braindamaged , and can get away with it) for comfort on Monday..lol… <3 you all…

    • Good luck! You’ll do great! Robward will protect you!

      • Thanks JodieO…I am terrified of the dentist thus the reason I tried pulling it myself…see where that got me..lol…plus they want like $500 to pull it out..ridiculous…I could buy a new computer with that money…tee hee..maybe I should try and get the rest out before Monday….then buy a new computer.. :)

        • 500?! That’s ridiculous!

          • TS did you get my email? I am worried about you.. <3

        • MidSin – as much as I want you to have a new computer I want your tooth fixed (by a professional) more!

          Think of this way…when you get back from the dentist you can snuggle with Blanket Rob. Makes me want to go to the dentist. teehee

          • LMAO..I am already cuddling with Blanket Rob and I didn’t have to spend $500 to do it…. :)

          • Ha! Gotta love Blanket Rob! In case you haven’t got your Edward/Ghostward fix for today…enjoy:

            http://www.mtv.com/videos/death-cab-for-cutie/442590/meet-me-on-the-equinox.jhtml

            I love this video – it is so Team Edward!

        • The dentist is a good guy. He’ll make it all better. Pretend he’s Robward. And while you are there ask him for some happy pills to take home so I can drag you off to the movie theater!

    • Goodluck Cyndi! It will be over soon before you know it and then you won’t be bothered by that tooth ever!

      • Thanks SB….still chicken tho..lol…isn’t that video awesome!!!

  16. Ang I am so confused..lol…what else is new…lol…it was a video of cake boss??? Which was torture cause I am on a diet ya know….so really needing a Edward fix cause I went without Twilight last night and I can’t watch until the hubs goes to bed and leaves me the TV…

    • Oh, I should have mentioned there is 30 sec commercial BEFORE the music video! Watch again and don’t pay attention to the beginning!

    • Midnight Sin – that is an awesome video that Ang posted!

      Ang I’ve seen this a couple of times and I still gasp whenever Edward appears in the meadow!

      • OME – when he steps out behind the trees! I love it!

  17. Ok gonna trust that your not really trying to torture me and I will look again….lol…

    • I wouldn’t intentionally tease you with Ghostward and not deliver! :-)

      • No I meant with the food…silly…I know you know I take Ghostward way too seriously to ever be that cruel!! :)

  18. ANG…OME…sorry had to wipe the sweat off my forhead and dry my fingers before I short circuited what is left of my computer…I LOVE and I mean LOVE the scene when Bella is in the water and she reaches for Edward and he just (sigh) disapears….ok…I can not handle this…I HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS MOVIE…THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME SCENE EVER!!!! THANKS ANG…IS IT NOV. YET and who is brave enough to knock me out and take me to the theater to see this….ok I am rambling but that was almost too much for my heart to take…hubs made me stop replaying it but I paused it and hope my computer holds out so that I can again…later..THANKS ANG I LOVE YOU!!!

    • LMAO I’m glad you liked it! Worth watching that cake, huh? I LOVE the scene with Ghostward in the water. Very moving.

      I wish I lived closer to you – I would totally knock you out and take you. Actually, I don’t know where you live but since you said it was snowing last week, I know it’s nowhere near me (in Tennessee)!

      Going to dinner – enjoy the video more when your heart can take it!

      • Thanks so much…enjoy dinner..I am so gonna enjoy that video til either the heart quits or the computer does…I am in Maine…btw.. :)

  19. Has anyone heard the soundtrack yet? Is it out for sale?

    • Yes it is! It was released last week. It’s good – different than the Twilight one. Less pop and more indie. Beautiful instrumental song called “The Meadow” – I actually like it better than Bella’s Lullaby. I know, that’s like blasphemy.

      OK, this time I’m really leaving. Have a good evening!

      • No it’s not blasphemy. That should have been Bella’s lullaby.

        @IllegalWolfLover – Twilosexual! LOL

        • ’86 Rabbit – yes it should have been bella’s lullaby, right? That should have been a soft piano composition, not the over-composed symphony piece that it was!

  20. [...] Appreciation Sunday Posted on December 20, 2009 by unintendedchoice IllegalWolfLover has never hid the fact that she’s a MAJOR, MAJOR Taylor Lautner fan! She does it again with a great letter for [...]

  21. i think that for all us taylor lovers his amazing acting has stunned us all and his wonderful looks coverd each and every part of our bedroom walls i love taylor lautner and i will stand and be proud to say it in frount of any one and you should to (even if you are a edward fan!!!) oh and i rate you IllegalWolfLover!!!!!!!!

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