How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!


Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.


Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

  • Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
  • Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
  • They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
  • Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump!

Mike Newton: Virgin (but he's a dry humping champion)

Setting the Mood

  • You’ll want to make sure there are no possible interruptions or distractions.  A cold, rainy Saturday afternoon with nothing better to do?  Roommates/family all gone?  Perfect.  You may even want to go so far as to shut off your cell phones.  Nothing can kill your “I just want to try one thing” ladyboner quite like a text from your brother.
  • This may not be the classiest suggestion but… Getting her liquored up couldn’t hurt.  I’ve seen the movie 7 times, only twice sober.  I would wholeheartedly recommend breaking open a bottle of wine.  Each.  But pace yourselves, you want to cherish this special moment, not spend it passed out on the bathroom floor.
  • More adventurous souls may want to experiment by introducing food to spice things up.  My recommendation?  Cupcakes.  It’s impossible to have a bad time when cupcakes are involved.  Icing makes everything better.

Nikki Reed: Not a virgin

Setting Expectations

  • You’ll probably want to explain to her that there’s a very good chance the first time isn’t going to rock her world.  It might be a little awkward.  Painful, even.  Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering isn’t pleasurable for everyone, you know.
  • Delivering a few warnings could be helpful.  For example, you may want to explain that some of the dialogue and characters were the creation of Cougar & Co., and were not part of the books which “ZOMG!1! are so much better and you NEED to read them.”  But avoid getting into too much gory detail about Buttcrack Santa and “spider monkey” – you don’t want to scare her off.  There will be plenty of time to discuss the highs, lows, and areas for improvement afterward.

Doing the Deed

  • Break out that wine, dim the lights, and get comfortable – it’s time to get down to business!
  • Do your best not to giggle too much and resist the temptation to get too giddy or fangirl squee. Remember: if she doesn’t enjoy the same parts you do, it’s just because she’s inexperienced.  WE know “ANIMAL ATTACK” is funny, but this is all new to her and she doesn’t know any better.  Saying “how you likin’ da movie gurrrllll” will most definitely garner strange looks, so I would advise refraining from Mike-Newton-speak for now.  You can laugh together at it another time once she’s more experienced.
  • If she asks “that’s it?” afterward, don’t be offended.  Practice makes perfect, right?  Maybe she just needs to give it another shot.  Or twelve.

Renesmee: Virgin (But only until she's 7. Then Jacob's gonna be hittin' that) *remind me why we like this book series again?

If all goes well and they fall in love with all things Twi, then you may very well have found yourself a new Twi Life Partner.  You can discuss the books at length, drool over Rob, hate on Kristen and her mullet, gush over DILF Chris Weitz and everything [it seems] he’s done right with New Moon, maybe even take your Pocket Edward’s on a pilgrimage to the Twi Mecca of Forks to act out scenes from the movie.  Endless possibilities!  Alternatively, if they enjoy it but don’t fall head over heels in love, or just don’t feel like putting in the effort to read thousands of pages of vampire tween romance, never fear: you still have someone who likes to get drunk and watch Twilight with you.  Basically, you’ve got yourself a Twi Booty Call.

Note: if you’re lucky enough to have a unicorn on your hands (that’s what she said), the above tips do not apply.  As we all know, men don’t need much in the way of buttering up.  Your best bet is just to take control, get in there and get it over with (if-you-know-what-I’m-sayin’-and-I-think-you-do-because-this-whole-letter’s-been-chock-full-of-creepy-sexual-innuendos).  The wine is still a good idea.

As for me and my friend, the big day was this past Saturday and it went well.  I was nervous, but she enjoyed the movie (namely because it was so bad it was good).  She even laughed at “ANIMAL ATTACK”! She may give the books a shot and definitely wants to see New Moon.  In fact, just last night I got an IM from her after she spotted the trailer on TV that said: “The Native American kid is a WOLF!  I KNEW IT.  I mean… not that I care?”  Oh, I think we have ourselves a keeper, ladies.

Be Safe,


Go make a friend on The Forum to go see New Moon with.
then hop on over to LTR to drool over Rob

Who’s Twilight virginity have YOU taken!?

185 Responses

  1. ROFL!!!!!!!!


  2. That’s some sound advice!

    Thankfully I have a couple of friends I can share the twi-love with. However, they are not as obsessed as me, which, really weirdly, means they don’t laugh AT it as much as I do, they are still a bit in that defensive stage! I’m always like, “dude, come on, Buttcrack Santa? How can you NOT laugh?” and they’re all like, “Shut up, I love this film!” and then I’m like, “I know, so do I, honest!!”

    • I have met some people that are not at all impressed with me when I make fun of the Cougar’s work on Twilight. They didn’t like when I made fun of Edward’s weirdly accented “Hello,” or “purple’s cool,” or “hold on tight spider monkey.” Ridic. If you uncondtionally and irrevocably love something, everyone knows that you’ll roast the hell out of it.

  3. heyybrother, i love you. and your friend’s reaction was cute ( i mean, not that i care?….) this whole post was dead on. this is pretty much the method i used on a coworker recently, and it does work. anyway, you’ve got me doing this right now, so thanks.

  4. Good stuff. I like to start off with a feeler, if you will. Perhaps the introduction of the Twilight trailer or have the soundtrack playing while we’re hanging out. The Twi-equivalent to playing “just the tip.”. Ya know, just to see how it feels.

  5. This post makes me wanna cry cause my BFF lost her Twi-V card without me…she watched it a million miles away with..*sob*….fangirls….and fangirls of the worst kind (unlike those who frequent this area)…the ones that make u wanna fursplode cause theyre loud, obnoxious and pushy…and just dont “get it”

    They didnt even ply her with alcohol first….they just forced her to read a chapter off a computer screen and then popped it in….
    All the seduction and teasing i was doing for weeks after she mentioned that she didnt “get” Twilight…down the drain cause she associates with hussies of the worst kind…my heart is broken…
    Thanks HeyyyBrother for the tips…I’ll be more careful with my heart next time….maybe once i get back home we’ll have a born-again virgin party…

    On a happier note…Tay Tay…about your V card…Im not very coughexperiencedcough myself but we can have fun learning right? Would Hansen allow that?
    Virginity = Legality?
    Please say yes cause that Newton kid’s been giving me the sex-eyes all day….

    • worse are the movie whores who just watch anything coz they are bored and then tell me “hey I watched Twilight and it was so cool. it was so grey and mysterious” grinning up at me as if I will pat them and welcome them into the club. NAY NAY I say

      • NAY NAY indeed….i dont think they’d even know who Buttcrack santa is….blasphemy!
        “grey and mysterious” HA! 🙂

    • Aw! There, there. It’s not your fault. Sometimes a girl can get caught up in the moment and it just happens. It probably didn’t convert her over to the Twi-side (unless she likes it rough), so I think having a born-again virgin party is a great idea. Show her the right way it’s done. 😉

      • All that she said was…”it was an ok film….edward was kinda bad on the delivery but his smile made up for it”
        so she’s def a vamp-girl (which i expected) but it just sounded so traumatic…i think she did it cause she thought its what all the “cool” kids are going….

    • that Newton kid’s been giving me the sex-eyes all day….

      hahaha! I ❤ you, illegal!

      • Hey, TeamSeth!

        Totally off topic, but I saw where you were asking what’s in Rob’s mouth on my avatar. It’s a pair of plastic vampire teeth holding a cigarette. Check out the link. These pics crack me up.

      • aaawwww TS u know i ❤ u just as much (ok maye more cause ur cooler)

        Seriously, he tried the boob graze at lunch today…needless to say Taycob was not pleased…he could smell the desperation and hormones from miles away…and most of it was me…

        Right..officially checking in to asylum for delusional imaginings….

  6. My coworker and I have dubbed Twilight “Twack”–as in Twi + Crack = Twack. Don’t know what you ladies call your Twi-obsession, but I see UC calls her Twilight nymphomania “Twilomania”. Hahaha!

    In any case, I always thought losing your Twilight V-card should be natural and that the reader should choose when the right time for them is. Hence, why I’ve never considered encouraging my friends to read the series. I think that with such a huge phenomenon as Twilight, people are naturally drawn to it… starting with the movie, then Twilight and by the time they read Twilight, they are HOOKED. Even so far as to read “Midnight Sun”. Those poor Twi-beginners don’t know what they’re in for….

    • I agree marz. I don’t think any pressure should be involved. I’m also too embarrassed to bring it up to anyone i know except my bf, who already sees the movies and has laughed outright refusing to read the books.

  7. Thank you so much. I have been hunting for my car key for about 7 hrs now and this was such a good break. I was close to murder and now had to have a good laugh. will put twi soundtrack on and look under the sofa for the 1567 time with a smile on my dial xxx loves

  8. If I got my sisters to read/watch Twilight does that make it twincest? Is that creepy or is it acceptable??

    • twincest!!


      Hilarious, and totally acceptable. I took my sister’s V-card….Twilight V-card, that is…..okay, now I see how it could sound creepy.

    • It’s perfectly acceptable!! My sister got me “involved” (that’s putting it mildly!), I got our other sister involved, and now we’re all twilight obsessed. My 16 yr old neice thinks we are all losers. HA!

    • I don’t think I’m the person you want to ask if that’s creepy or acceptable, since I’ve just succeeded in upping the creep factor around here about 20 levels with this letter…

      I don’t have any sisters, and my brother would hate Twilight with the passion of a thousand boxblocked Bella’s post-leg hitch… but I’m totally pro Twincest.

      Also, “Twincest” is genius.

    • Nah, my sister took my twilight v-card. No biggie. And thank god, otherwise how would i have found Billy Burke? le sigh.

  9. You definitely got a keeper. I’m lucky I have 5 other ladies w/ me or I would need to conduct this…experiment.
    And you’re right about the cupcakes. They certainly makes things better.

  10. I tried to convert one of my friends a few months ago… but it didn’t really go that well. I wish I had these steps before hand! Intuitively I did some of them. Wine – check. Dessert – check. Pretending it wasn’t a big deal – check. Distraction free – check.

    I think I went wrong with the setting expectations step. Not only did I explain that “there’s a very good chance the first time isn’t going to rock her world,” I wasn’t fully able to keep my mocking in check. Nor could I refrain from pointing out a few *issues* I had with the movie. On the other hand, I think she would have made fun of the blinking and stuttering without my help.

    She did say she’d be willing to read the books… so maybe it wasn’t a total failure. I feel guilty now, though.

    • Tell her to put her tweed on and get serious. The movie’s in 10 days!!! That’s plenty of time to read all four books, rewatch Twilight, and get excited about New Moon.

    • BFF picked up on the blinking and stuttering without my help. But instead of chalking it up to bad acting, she [very astutely] declared Bella as being “so horny” in the Biology scene.

      I guess when you go in with an open mind sans any grudges against a certain femullet, things come off differently.

  11. “Renesmee: Virgin (But only until she’s 7. Then Jacob’s gonna be hittin’ that) *remind me why we like this book series again?”

    That was beautiful, Heyyyy Brother.

    I can’t get anyone to read the effing books (probably a good thing) but last night, my youngest brother (15) turned it on for me without my asking.

    It was like the clouds opened and the angels sang.

    I proceeded to watch Twilight with five other people wearing vampy teeth. My mom actually recognized Buttrcrack Santa and told me that Edward’s hair looked “F**ked up”. BLASPHEMY!!! The daughter ran around hissing at everyone telling them she was Edward. Then Brother Fang decided that wearing billy bob teeth was an even better idea and he acted out the character of Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder.

    It was a beautiful night.

  12. I was so sure my friend would like it that I also bought the book to present to her, smugly, after the credits rolled. She was so severely underwhelmed that I hid the book and apologetically gave her some Asti Spumante instead. A couple of weeks later, she called and said, “I just saw pictures of Kellan Lutz running. Can I borrow the DVD?” So I gave her my “lending copy” and the book I’d bought for her. She’s hooked*.

    So just remember, it doesn’t always feel good the first time. They may need a follow up session, and be prepared to deliver it. Like HB said, practice makes perfect. Also, and I know this is going to sound kinky, some of them prefer Kellan to Rob, or Peter to Rob, or Ashley to Rob. Let them have their freaky little fetish. You’ll need someone to invite to the New Moon DVD release party you’re throwing.

    *Though she had to stop reading Breaking Dawn because she found it too ridiculous. She made me give her a synopsis of the ending because she couldn’t get past Renesmee.

    • I love that you have a “lending copy” of the DVD.

    • I got a friend hooked and she loves it so far, bit she hasn’t gotten to BD yet. I’m afraid she’s gonna lose faith when she gets past the honeymoon.

    • Sounds like freeballin’ jogging Kellan should be added to the list of Twi foreplay… duly noted.

      P.S. can I come to your New Moon DVD release party? I’ll bring wine and cupcakes. We won’t need it to get through the movie like my friend did, but we’ll need it because it’s my fantasy.

      • I was hoping the suggestion would make other people want to host a New Moon DVD party, making it unnecessary for me to clean my house when the DVD comes out in March. Now I feel compelled to throw one. You are of course invited, HB. I like white cake with vanilla or coconut flavored icing.

    • A lending copy??? I gotta remember to use that. Very smooth.

  13. My friend was the one who took away my twi v-card. It was when teaser previews for Twilight were first hitting theaters, she casually mentioned that she was excited for that movie and it was based off of a book series that was really awesome. She didn’t really say anything else, but she could see that I was intrigued.

    She’d mention it every once in a while and then asked if I’d go see the movie with her when it came out. I love movies so I said yes. Then one day I was walking through walmart and I saw the Twilight book (the paper back one with the movie poster) for like $7 I picked it up figuring I’d be seeing the movie in a couple of weeks and I should probably read the books. Yea after that it was all down hill and I have since surpassed my friend in the twi-obsession.

  14. Great conversion check list. I wish I’d had it months earlier!

    I semi-converted some friends by simply going on and on animatedly about the books with my one true successful convert, Alice. You know, give them the feeling like they’re missing out if they’s not ‘in the know’. It only worked so-so. I got them to finish the books (one is still one it… and has been since May. Disastrous.) But none of them really ‘got’ the magic of it all.

  15. I took my cousins twilight virginity. I told her about the book though. this was also right after I lost my twilight virginity (which was exactly a year ago last week) and yesterday I lent twilight (the book) to my neighbor. she asked for it =) my friends are more difficult. I might have to use these techniques…

    • “I lost my twilight virginity (which was exactly a year ago last week)”

      You know the date????

      Bless you, child. I don’t even remember the date I lost my actual virginity.

      Is that normal? No? Didn’t think so…

  16. This post is ALL KINDS OF WIN!!

    “the first time isn’t going to rock her world. It might be a little awkward. Painful, even. Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering isn’t pleasurable for everyone, you know. ” – I just about died laughing and had an entire train watching me while I choked on my coffee & tried to control myself!

    • “Twilight” was really 122 minutes long? LTT wrote, you copied it. But I still can’t believe the movie was 2 hours long – really? Maybe I shouldn’t watch this movie with wine because I’m all kinds of confused – I thought the torture was much shorter than that.

      Actually, maybe it is a good idea that I do watch this movie with wine.

      • It really is a 2 hour movie. Believe it.

        ..and you should ALWAYS watch with wine. It’s the only humain way to go about it.

      • TJB, the biology scene alone is about 28 minutes long. You need that amount of time to notice the armadillo is there and then not there (since Cougwicke points that out in the commentary. That she HAD to have an armadillo in there since it’s her home state’s animal. Lame.) That scene made me want to hate the movie, to take BACK my twi-card, even though I hadn’t fully lost it yet. Plus my sister was giggling the whole time in that scene and whispered “He wants to eat her, well drink her. Anyway…” Plus there’s that awkward music that always gets stuck in my head when Edward’s off in Denali and Bella’s all, “Things were starting to get a little….” ::continued pause:: “…weird.”

  17. I converted one friend after I obsessed over the books last year. We even partaked in the midnight release of the movie at the local Walmart (shutters) I have the tickets already for next week.

    She hasnt read Midnight Sun and I am slowly (s-l-o-w-l-y) trying to get her to read FF. I gave her the link to “The Office” but I have yet to hear from her about it.

    Honestly, she rather clean her house than read for a few hours(days!!!) Wait until FF breaks that habit.

    I would say the beside part of the Twidom aside from HHH is the laughs and love here on the LTT/LTR site. Theres a few other I check daily too. I never get to work on time!! I check it daily to get my fix and spend many hours laughing over the comments

    • Oh, It would be the “BEST PART of TWIDOM”

    • *jumps excitedly up and down*

      I read ALL of The Office last night!!! Yay!

      I started it forever ago and it was too damn smutty for me. Then everyone started talking about the great storyline and I had to find out what all the hype was about.

      I ❤ the Beautiful Bastard. 😀

  18. My fave new word = ladyboner! Classic! When’s some fanfic author going to throw that into the mix? He slipped off my la perlas and BAM! My ladyboner was evident.

    Also, watching the movie with a little vino def helps out. I don’t think I ever would’ve read the books had I not had the beer goggles on clouding the lameness of spider monkey…

  19. It is a VERY lonely world without someone to share your love of all things Twilight. Nothing is worse, than getting a friend to read Twilight and then say, “I don’t get what all the hype is about?” It’s like a shot to the heart – I have trouble holding back the tears;o(

    Fortunately, this summer I met my Twilight soul-mate at my son’s Tball game. We pretended to watch the game (which is like watching paint dry), but discussed all things Twilight. She is even more aggressive with her love, so I am taking a ride on her coat-tail. She even bought the 11/20 tickets months ago. Now when other Non-Twi friends give me the “crazy” look for going to the midnight showing, I can use the muse of, “Hey, I didn’t want my friend to attend it alone,” when I am actually thinking, “Thank goodness I am not attending alone.”

    Our husbands work together and love to make fun of us during free time. They use words, such as, “morons” and “retards” – harsh, I know. They also love to play practical jokes on each other, trying to out-do one another with Twilight induced embarrassment. But in the end, my friend and I benefit from their childishness. I am now the proud owner of a pocket Edward. It was hard to contain my excitement when my husband brought it home.

    Thanks again for providing such entertainment. You and Moon are the “Messiahs” of Cool Twilight Fandom.

  20. Superb post – great way to start Monday morning. I am still screwed on the 20th though. All my friends (we’re all early 30s) have babies under 1 or 2 and each time I propose them reading the book they just roll their eyes at me and tell me they don’t have time for reading.

    So I’m thinking I’ll go for a 10am early showing as husband might think it weird if I’m out at midnight.

    I realised yesterday that i have a problem as I flicked through the CDs in the 6 changer thingy in my car. Twilight Soundtrack, 2 Kings of Leon CDs, 2 Muse CDs and a mix CD from iTunes with stuff like 15 step on it. My U2 CDs have been relegated to the glove box

    • I’m 30 and I have a 2 year old who still doesn’t sleep through the night and that shiz won’t stop me from going to the 12:25 a.m. showing. There is no limit to my Twi love.

  21. I think I have converted a friend-finally! We were at a book sale and I saw a copy of Twilight. Even though I have it, I couldn’t leave it there, so I casually asked “would you be interested in this? I’ve read them all, it’s about blah blah blah. She took the bait and has been borrowing my books and Twilight DVD. Every day when we’re waiting for our daughters after school she excitedly tells me what she’s just read and the other day she said,”umm, I found your notes…now I know that they get married”. I was like”….notes?? what notes?” Holy crap what the hell did I take notes on???
    Anyway I’m hoping she’ll want to see the movie with me but if not I have backup-my husband or my mother. I ‘m so excited-I don’t care who I go with!

    • Re: keeping the obsession in check: this is really effin’ hard!!

      It’s so tempting to start squeeing and talking about Rob, fanfiction and all Twi-related lunacy but I don’t want to turn her off before I’m certain she’s unconditionally and irrevocably hooked. Her definition of normal is probably not the same as mine (yet). But I’m working on it.

      • unconditionally and irrevocably! WIN

      • Even after taking BFF’s Twi v-card, she still doesn’t realize just how into Twilight I am. On the fangirl scale, I register on the very tame side (no FF, no merch, etc), but the fact that I guest-posted on a Twilight blog would proooobably be enough to make her question my sanity. Not that that wouldn’t be entirely deserved…

        • Hey, I was guest posted celebrating David Slade’s 40th bday on the same Twi-blog…so, I think you have one up on me. because i spent an hour trying to find info on Slade other than that he made fun of twilight openly until he was named Eclipse director. I STILL don’t know where in England he’s from. Ugh. So, if you’re insane…i’m not sure what that makes me…an insane loser?

    • OMG. You took NOTES?! Oh my. Perhaps the notes were from the copy that she got at the book sale?! Yes, let’s go with that 😉

  22. Great advice – thank you for the tutorial. My first deflowering attempt did not go so well (I clearly see now that I did not get enough wine out and I am pretty sure I giggled at “Animal Attack”) but she HAS agreed to see New Moon with me..squeee…shit..keep it cool.
    I wish deflowering was easier and that I could get some friends to my newly heightened sate of mind from day one..I like instant gratification. I want to explain how awesome the blogs and the community is and how they are really missing out….but based on the instructions above, that would be brow beating with Twilight and I don’t want to scare them away. So I will keep it cool…I mean I will do my best to keep it cool…11 DAYS!!!..

  23. Dear HB,

    Love you, and love your post. I laughed OUT LOUD (again) on the bus this AM while reading it. Told you it would be great!

    I had already made plans with a coworker to see NM a few days after it comes out, but I realized I couldn’t wait that long before seeing it. Hubby is out of the question, as his way of “supporting my Robsession” was to buy me an Edward keychain, with the explanation of “I want you to carry your shame in public”. Not one to be a box-blocker (your word, not mine), he DID offer to babysit. So I called a friend of mine and told her I needed someone who wouldn’t judge me, and she agreed to see NM with me Saturday Night. She hasn’t read the books, nor has she seen Twilight (yet).

    I will be taking your suggestions, drunking her up, and hopefully giving her an unforgettable evening of pleasure. Because this post was really one giant innuendo. Horny Monday? Why not?

    All sorts of win in this post, Unicorn on your hands (twss), probably my favorite.

    After today’s post,
    H-B, I have the strong urge
    To Find and Bang you

  24. Love the Edward poster!

    I am lucky to have deflowered a few people early on, before the movie, through the books, which is far far more enjoyable (as long as they enjoy reading). My most successful conquest was my sis-in-law who was supposed to go to the 11/20 viewing with me in two weeks. She is the only person I would want to go to the madness on Friday night with, because I’m comfortable being myself around her (wearing my Team Jacob shirt). Unfortunately she just told me yesterday she has to go out of town on business that night (how dare she schedule something outside of the Twi-world on that weekend!), and I am stuck seeing the movie alone. Unless I can deflower someone else who magically becomes as Normal as I am within the next two weeks.

    • Well, what kind of business, if you get what I’m sayin’… could be forgiveable.

      • LOL… maybe I don’t want to know!

        My fiance offered to go with me if I had no one else to go with and I paid for his ticket. And he doesn’t want to go, really, but he would, for me. I said there was a character named buttcrack santa in the 1st movie. He said, “Well, I don’t really want to go.”

        Wonder if buttcrack santa waken from the dead would be willing to go with me.

        P.S. anyone read LTT and also happen to live in Montreal, and is free on Friday the 20th?

  25. I have deflowered 3 people. My sister (ewww….that sounds gross), who is 17 was the hardest. I know, right? But she’s the most logical 17 year old I’ve ever met, and if math can’t explain it, then she wants no part of it. That one was tricky. I took her to see the movie on opening weekend last year, but it took another 8 months to get her to read the books. She is now hooked, but won’t read BD because she doesn’t want it to ber over. How cute is that? I also hooked my BFF, but she’s definitely not as into as me. She’s going to see NM on the 2nd weekend b/c she has other plans. WTF? What plans could be more important that NM? Then, I recently sucked in my neighbor, and she’s as far in, if not farther than me. But still, none of these peeps will go to the midnight showing. They all say it can wait until Friday night. I don’t give a f*ck – I’ll be there, alone, shooting all the sqeeing fangirls dirty looks (while sqeeing to myself on the inside). I didn’t mind seeing Twilight alone and New Moon will be no different.

    • Sorry for all the mis-types. I’m in a hurry. RL sucks like a slut today.

    • Fursploded you’re going alone? 😦 better alone than with “meh Twilight” ppl i guess….I might be with them but i swear ill be thinking about u guys the whole time…. :p

      Ill squee on the inside in memoriam…any significant scenes? the fursplosion maybe? wait….ur a vamp girl…the reunion? for the guy who holds Rob’s ass? 😀 let me know….

  26. My bff. I brought up the series to her not long ago…couple months. Since she and I tend to feel the EXACT same way about books and movies I figured she would be interested and could share in the craziness.

    Her response was “I’ve heard of them but I am ok if I NEVER read them….and that dude in the movies is NOT good looking, ugh!”

    So I backed off.

    Sad panda.

    • *GASP* That’s how my bff was, too. I’m like, “Look asshole, I’m about to go see this movie BY MYSELF. Get with the program!” No…she won’t. Sad panda is correct, my friend. Sad panda indeed.

    • Awwh, thumbs down to both of you for your bffs for making you sad pandas! You have to listen to all their malarkey about men and menstration and lord knows what else and they won’t go to a movie with you? That’s full of wrong.

      • Totally. Why perch on your cloud of judgement and turn your nose down at my fabulous world? Why?! Get lost in a Twilight novel, TODAY! (I want that to be a “the more you know” commercial).

  27. HB!!! I totally needed this guide last Spring! My BFF de-flowered herself, and I fear without the proper guidance, she has been lost to me now. (although we are going together to see it at midnight next Thu, so at least there is that). She claims to have watched it on demand 20 or more times, and yet my ‘Animal Attack’ jokes go right over her head…Also, she only read the book once. ONCE. Who can do that?

    I, for one, would love, though, to possibly be a member of this society of Twilomanic Hussies. That is a title I can get behind. (twss)

    • LPB, if you become a Hussie I’m not taking you on the Twilight filming tour in Portland. Just saying. Keep it classy, la push, keep it classy.

      • CLASSY! heh… so i made a good assesment, eh? 😉

        • totes, ambushed. They used to say that in my sorority, so it’s piss my pants funny to me 😀

          • OH, I’m keepin it classy!! HAVE NO FEAR…. I will not be wearing sweatpants OR pajamas to that midnight showing….. But I will take pics of the people who are! Oh yes I will!

  28. I probably should’ve included an apology to SMeyer in there somewhere, huh?

    • hee-hee, cute… but i think she’s pretty understanding… i wouldn’t let it keep you up at night… ha-ha! 🙂

    • Nope….go back and read one of my old LTT comments about the film and book….she has to be still realing from that. I was way harsh…you were intelligently accurate.

      • Touche. I don’t even need to go back and find that because I remember it vividly. I think I made a much more neutral contribution to the same post which I found incredibly boring after reading the that was janetrigs. You WIN.

    • eff that! She wrote an easy to make fun of series with a fun storyline.

      She’s not Steinbeck for Christsake.

  29. in reality, i was de-flowered by my husband in both respects… “Aww”, i know, i know… but i have said it on this post b4 but he got me interested in the movie. then i twi-sploded. (blew him out of the water) but he totally supports my twi-cession and bought me the blue-ray. then i hadda have the books… 1 at a time. and he drove me to Barnes & Noble each time, to my delight! he got me the sndtrks. and when i told him the tickets were avail for pre-sale he got them right away. i finally got him to read the books and he even handed me the NM mags when we went to the bk store yesterday. yes, he supports and supplies my addiction. even thought he wags his head at my twi-cession…

    i had already created an unicorn from (nongay)guy friend of ours while my hubby was holding out on me, then i converted my mother-in-law and i am currently working on my best gal-friend. i got her to watch the movie (my unicorn friend was present at the time, lendig support) but her hubby kept coming in and commenting on the movie saying it was all kinds of lame and that Edward looked SOOOOO gay, bla-bla-bla-bla… but when he’s not around i’ve been explaining the story to her and i’ve been talking about the NM movie from the get-go and she wants to see it. YEAH! i have created a Twi-pack! WHOO-HOO!

    • oh and the other day i gon in hubbs car and the NM sndtrk was playing in the cd player… i thought it was SOOO cute that he listens to it when i’m not w/ him… i’ve got another unicorn!

      • aawww thats so cute ambushed! ur gonna have a herd on your hands soon!…fiance loves DCFC…only knows two lines but i hear him humming it at work….on repeat…he also yells for me when the vid plays on tv…these are the times i can actually forgive him for the “gay”, eye-rolling and “no im not going to read that book so get it out of my face” jokes 🙂

        I see the bump on the forehead…but he’s got a long way to go….

    • Twi-pack…I hope you guys get matching tribal tattoos!

      Also didn’t you read the post the other day on not dating unicorns? I think marriage applies to that too. Of course, if hubs doesn’t have a pocket edward, then I think it’s okay. 😉

      • nope… no pocket Edwards… (i might want one if the faces looked better, but that’s off topic… the Barbie one’s were cute though…heh) but isn’t totally different if I CREATE the unicorn myself?! 😉 this is a post wedding developement… i think it’s cute though! 😛

        [good to “hear/see” from you TS] 😀

  30. My BFF read twilight and I told her ot go out right then and buy the whole entire set as she will suffer until she finishes them all. She stopped after twilight said she didn’t enjoy it and that someone needs to punch Bella

  31. Awesome tips! I could’ve used those a month ago. My good friend and I saw Twilight in the park (she had never seen it or read the books, and of course we know where I ranked in comparison as a fangirl). She told me she really enjoyed the movie, and I was so excited! I tried so hard to play it cool – kept my obsession in check, at first – and then I went too far.
    I asked her to read my fanfic…it scared her off, I think. Now she thinks I’m a nut, and she’s avoiding me.
    Oh well. I guess we’ll have to stick to RL stuff.

    • avoiding you for your ff? didn’t you tell her that you’re actually writing a novel that’s smuttier than danielle steele and chuck palunik’s love child? Goodness. What a lousy friend. sorry! 😦

  32. My BFF is not into it. She just had surgery so i was going to be all nice and (gasp!) let her watch the movie with me and she says, “UGH, I couldnt even get through the book, forget the movie!”

    I said, “I don’t think we are friends anymore.”

    She does agree that Rob is hot, however. Her ONLY saving grace.

  33. I so could have used this post back in the summer when I was driving my friends nuts with my over excitement for all things Twi.

    Ladies, this post is simply genius! SM is beaming with pride about all of it… minus the Renesmee part, that is. 🙂

    • you do realize that renesmee stays 7 forever, right? plus, her name’s renesmee. just sayin’.

      • I thought she matured later than that for some reason.
        You know, this whole series has created a really odd dynamics for inappropriately paired couples both in the books and in the film sets. Here is what I mean:

        Renesmee & anybody = Wrong
        Taylor and anybody = Wrong
        Rob & Kristen (2 years ago) = Wrong
        Taylor & Kristen (now) = Wrong

        …. you get my point.

        • Taylor & anybody = wrong

          *has a pity party and shares ice cream and tissues with Swifty*

          Xylem + Facts = HILARIOUS 😀

  34. Heyyyybrother RULES

  35. *singing” These are a few of my favorite things….

    Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

    Nikki Reed: Not a virgin

    the first time isn’t going to rock her world. It might be a little awkward. Painful, even. Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering…

    Renesmee: Virgin (But only until she’s 7. Then Jacob’s gonna be hittin’ that) *remind me why we like this book series again?

    • I actually sung that along to the tune in my head…amazingly done! Minus the “remind me” sentence. That was when the record player cut off (skrrrt) and I said in a plain voice, “Remind me why we like this book series again?” Um, that’s normal?

  36. I haven’t really had a chance to de-flower anyone yet, but HB-I’m keeping these notes handy just in case.

    Me and my RL friends read the books around the same time and later we each saw the movie. I’m even going with a few of them to see NM at midnight next week, but I will be hiding something just as I have for the last year. What? Hello, my name is Kendall and I’m a twilomaniac. They liked the books and some even enjoyed the movie (probably more for the hilarity) but they moved on. I on the other hand fell further and further into my fondness for Twilight and they have no idea how bad I have it.

    I’m happy to have people to go see the movie with but I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to have some other twilomaniac with me. Squeeing at all the right parts, crying when Edward leaves Bella, gasping when Edward takes his shirt off-I’ll be silently sitting there, keeping it all in. It’s always better when you do it with someone who feels the same way. You don’t have to worry about what you say and do, it all just feels right. Maybe we should hold an LTT convention in the middle part of the country for the DVD release. We could all watch the movie on the big screen and have one big twigasm.

    • Didn’t you hear? Convention’s on! Omaha…vegetarian hell! mwahaha (yes, i know there’s someone from Omaha here defending the vegetarian options in the “cool new downtown” area. okay okay, was a joke!)

  37. I STILL haven’t found my car key. Where is a vamp with an acute sence of smell when you want one…..

    • all over pattinson pants lady’s legs…thats where…
      hope u find ur keys…im a big loser (of things and otherwise) so i share the pain….

      • omfg, illegal. you had to throw in the patz pantz lady!

        • I had to…I love her….she’s *sniff* inspired me to be the Lautner Leggings Lady… I’d take pics with her and everything…and then go crazy-ape-shiz-fangirl on her ass….
          *hunts for glue gun and disposable camera*
          u know u love me cuz i did it….admit it…u were thinking the same damn thing….Hahahahhaha

          • omg. I didn’t realize that I was a wolf too! You totes read my mind.

          • Lautner Leggins Lady! Holy hell, that’s a total win if I’ve ever seen one! You’ve got to make a pair…..unless you already have.

          • Oh sparkle, if i didnt have thunder thighs, i would totes be be-dazzling them right now…same with the Taylor-tights tramp idea…
            Pants are more forgiving on my figure so..
            Jacob Jorts Lady?
            Daniel Denim Dame? (can be customized with Filet-o-fish wrappers if u swing that way)
            Swiftner skirt skank?
            I would if i could…and then make a video tutorial set to “Let me sign” and dedicate it to her….le sigh
            *answers door to restraining order* LOL

          • illegal, there are not enough thumbs up in the world for you. I would like to present you with a double fist pump-high five combo.

  38. I could seriously cry. 200 euros for new key. think of all the edward merchandise I could have purchased!!! You are not a loser. you are one of my fav ladies on this site except for the whole team jacob thing – seriously doesn’t he annoy the crap out of you, or are you more literally team taylor?

  39. I’ve always loved Jacob…even before i saw the movie…I mean it WAS Edward who hooked me in the first book, but Jacob….sigh…and Taylor is just such a hot plus…Team Taycob then…

    I never found him annoying but at times i got a bit frustrated with Edward…he had good reason so i never had a violent reaction like lots of people seem to do when it comes to Jacob. It’s just Edward….and its just Jacob….

    I LOVE Robward…I mean i’m a total team Switzerland but at the end of the day i climb into that Rabbit and go have some blueberry muffins at the rez….lol but we can still be friends right? 😦 meet me over by the fence at 8? ill bring the muffins…lol
    I really hope u find those keys…200 eurs sounds Crazy!
    my mom used to make me pray to St. Anthony (patron saint of lost things) when i lost stuff and boy thats was a lot of prayers…ill send up a prayer for ya….:) (sorry this post is long, i had to explain)

    • I have prayed fasted and flagellated but I’m still walking everywhere in the near future. oh well there are worse things I could do, like snog a vamp or two… sooory grease flashbacks gotta go now drinks with pals getting picked up and dropped home arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    • I never found him annoying but at times i got a bit frustrated with Edward

      I KNOW RIGHT! Thank god for you.

      Also, I have to add, when I read Rabbit I immediately thought of the sparklepeendo and not the car… how 2nd hand embarrassing.. 😦

      i miss your old avatar. you have such a cute smile that was a cheery light to my day (sorry for the sap)

      • “climb into that sparklepeendo and go have some blueberry muffins at the Rez”

        Wow! that was errrm hawt…i assume the muffins are of the “stud” variety….ack! cant believe i went there. i sound like a grandma at a strip club… 😦 Epic Fail

        since u asked so nicely…ill change it back…i think ppl will love me more without the blatant wolf luuuuurve…
        *”lets get it on” plays in the background* LOL

  40. I’ve never found it that difficult to bring friends to the Twi-side. I’ve always felt if only I was getting a commission from SM, I’d be as rich as she is right now. My friends must all be slutty Bella wanna-be’s, cos all we talk about is Edward/Jacob/vampires and wolves. And though I won’t give away my age, we are not teenagers. No sirree, not even close. Maybe I shouldn’t be bragging?

  41. OMG – That’s so funny…

    I am currently working on two virgins. I have even invested in a leading copy of the saga to aid in my pimping. The one friend it is working well for is coming to see New Moon and she is dead excited. Although about 30 minutes ago, as we were leaving work, I got carried away and told her I had bought the stuff to make some “Got Blood?” t-shirts to wear to New Moon… She looked kinda freaked out…

  42. Have tried dropping hints about the hottness that is Robward but only one friend has clued in. She had actually read all 4 books before I met her so I luckily I didn’t have to nudge her in the Way of Twi. We’re going to go to a matinee to avoid the tweenies. Of course, that doesn’t mean there won’t be squeeing!!

  43. That was seriously, epically, amazingly hilarious. I’m no newcomer to Twilight-virgin-deflowering. I’ve successfully coerced 9 of my friends into reading the books. And they love me for it 😉

    @LadyG I’ve always thought Steph should be paying us commission too! lol. She reads this site – maybe she’ll see this and take the hint 😉

    • Coerced? no, that’s rape. You didn’t rape them!!!!! They said, “Well, I’ll give it a go.” Rape=bad.

    • NINE friends? You’re more than just a Twilomaniac hussie… I think you’re officially the leading Twilomaniac h00r in these parts. (That’s a compliment… trust.)

    • @TeamSeth – perhaps I should rephrase. There was no Twi-rape. I was simply extremely tenacious in my attempts to convince them that these books would change their lives. There was negotiation, but it was consensual (huh. that kind of sounds like Edward and Bella’s first time.) I made a deal with one friend that if she read the first book and didn’t want to read the rest, I would let it go (knowing that once she got started, she wouldn’t be able to stop. I was right. Win.) 😉

      @HeyyyBrother – Wow. Surely there’s another Twi-pusher out there who has spread the love (hehe) to even more people than that! But, until they come forward, I will accept the title of local h00r with honor *bows*

  44. Solid advice! As it turns out I will most likely be at the midnight show on my own, but I don’t give a good goddamn. I’m here, I’m queer, gonna drink some beer, etc.

  45. Renesmee: Virgin (But only until she’s 7. Then Jacob’s gonna be hittin’ that) *remind me why we like this book series again?

    LOL.. that is somewhat nasty come to think of it..

    • ain’t that the truth… i thought she was able to get a bit older than that… but even so, 7?!?!? EWW!

      but if he’s jail bait hittin’ on jail bait, it’ll be “acceptable” (right?, RIGHT?!!?) (*rationalize to myself*)as long he keep changing to keep himself young… hmmm… can we say issues? me’thinks SM needs to write s’more…

      • Ahhh! It would be AMAZING if Steph would write about Jake and Nessie! There’s soooo much potential there.

        …of course, there’s also potential for creepiness. Hmm…worth the risk? I think so. 😉

  46. I just got my roommate to lose her Twilight book V-card last week. She had seen the movie and all, and had actually read Twilight, just not the rest. And last week she decided to read the rest, after my subtle hints and all. I’m glad I could have been there for her.

    This post was total win, by the way.

  47. lmao @ “the Native American kid turns into a wolf!!” My bf has watched the movie with me – it was both our first time. I had a lot of expectations though since I had read the books and of course he hadn’t. Funny thing, he keeps referring to an “Indian” character in the movie to which I was like “what??? there’s no guy from India in the film.” Then I realized he wasn’t being PC and was referring to Jacob and calling him an Indian. *shakes head* He must have slept through all 12 American History classes throughout our public education.

  48. Today is my first time reading at work. Wow, totally different/scarier experience. Alt + tab for hours AND i couldn’t even log in all day so i couldn’t even start doing real work. My computer is sooo visible to everyone 😥 It wasn’t before. This might get ugly. Plus whenever it loads after I comment it goes back to the top instead of to my comment! Which means 107 year old virgin rob came up 5,000 times today. For shame!!!!!! I odn’t know how you people have done it so bravely for so long! I salute you all.

    Also, on the post itself:
    I thought when she said: Sitting through 122 mins chock full of blinking and stuttering isn’t pleasurable for everyone, you know.” that the “you know” wasn’t like the casual end tag, but rather an assertive confirmation with us twihards saying, “you know, you’ve seen it [at least 500 times, and i’m being nice here and trying to save you some red faced moments and realizations of how many 122 minutes you’ve wasted…but remember that does include the credits! So, only 111 minutes really until it spans up to the Columbia river gorge sunset looking over washington state from oregon. (so went there the other day)!]”

    Anyone else read it this way? *crickets*

    • Haha over-analyse much? Its just the guilt creeping up on you…focus on the good things…122 mins that include vitamin R, Halos, gun cocking, copstache,
      ” you’re the bomb” and play fights with Billy…

      I choose to focus on My Little Pony Hair, dorky laugh, “we’ll be watching”,getting hit by the truck door, scruffy uniform and skinny tie and epic stare-down with Edward…
      feel better? are the crickets dead yet? I think i stomped on them pretty hard….

    • @TS – LTT at work…minimize is your friend.

  49. Taylor Lautner a virgin? I dunno. Did you see Swift on SNL – she was shaking her money maker like she’d just spent the afternoon porking. I’m just sayin’.

  50. My bestie deflowered me gently with internet viewings of the trailer. I was hooked! Then the real event came escorting two 11-year olds to the movie. Then said 11-year old loaned me her books and it was downhill into Twiblivion from there.

    PS Only 8 days to go! Great to be an Aussie!


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