How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!

Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.

Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

• Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
• Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
• They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
• Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump!

My favorite part of the Twilight fandom: Clueless guys!

The latest uniform required for all nurses who work on the psych ward at the local hospital

Dear LTTers- aka “expert” Twilight fans,

One of my favorite things is people who know nothing or very little about Twilight yet think they’re experts.  It is, of course, funny to laugh at their cute little mistakes “That Robert Patterson is so cute” and “I love that scene in the 4th book New Eclipse when Jasper, the wolf, shows up at their wedding,” but mostly I like to be 2nd-hand embarrassed at their lack of knowledge on proper Twi-etiquette (Twitiquette). True2Twilight recently sent us an observation she had while browsing at her local bookstore that perfectly explains my fascination with the less informed:

It seems that ever since Twilight has been a success there are tons of series’ about vamps (The Vampire Diaries, Vampire Kisses, Evermore, Blue Moon…wonder where that name came from). It’s really quite annoying. I refuse to read any of these series’ and stay loyal to Twilight. As I was leaving the bookstore an employee said “Have a nice day” to me and I almost burst out laughing because she had an Edward shirt on. Normally this wouldn’t be funny but she had to be at least fifty.

I don’t care if she was 19, that’s NOT proper Twitiquette. Clearly she was just a casual fan. No fan in the know with a true, deep obsession would actually wear their Edward shirt in public, let alone to work (Well, not unless it was ‘wear your most embarrassing shirt to work day’ or they were BEGGING to be posted on LetterstoTwilight as a featured 2nd-hand embarrassment!) It’s like how I threaten to dress up as Moaning Myrtle for every Harry Potter premiere. I’d do it. I’d embarrass those who sit on Harry Potter fansites 24/7. I’d star as THEIR 2nd-hand embarrassment, but you couldn’t PAY me to dress up like Bella or Alice or Mrs. Cope. And I’d never even ADMIT to owning a “I love boys who sparkle” pin, let alone wear it to see the movie. (I keep it close to my heart- pinned to my bra)

Nice Try hunny.... it's not the same with your gut hanging out though...

Even more than people with bad Twitiquette, I love men who try to get it, but just don’t. You know the type. They ask you what “Twilight Zone” book is your favorite and come to bed wearing fake fangs, thinking it’s the teeth that turn you on- not realizing that it’s actually a 108 year old vampire- Edward Cullen (and of course the guy who played him flawlessly- Robert Pattinson) I love these recent stories sent to me by LTT readers:

Jen shared:

So I went to see Transformers on Sat night with my friend Phil. And one of the previews was for New Moon. So of course I made some sort of sigh noise when shirtless Jacob came on screen. So at the end he morphs into the wolf and Phil leans over and asks, “Are you going to carry around a furry wolf doll in your purse too?” HAHA. I lost it!

Lisa told us:

On my Facebook homepage there was a “Which Twilight character are you?” quiz, so I casually asked my husband which character he thought I would be…his response? “The little Indian boy who turns into a fox” I about died laughing…but the funniest part? He was dead serious and thought that was an accurate description. Apparently my “turn your man into a unicorn” skills are lacking and I need to take the course again.

And a “mom who once had a life” e-mailed us, a little upset that we’ve kept her from going back to her life & sucked her into our LTT/LTR world, but also shared what her husband really thinks she’s up to:

I’m sorry ladies but I’m also one who has to keep you a secret guilty pleasure. Yes I’ve watched every video out there with the words Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. I’ve analyzed the expressions and the body language of said stars. I hunt for terms like RPatz, Robward, Robsten and curse the paps when they crowd my obsessions. When my husband tries to sit by me, I try to make it look innocent when I close my laptop. He thinks I’m secretly addicted to porn sites. In reality, I’m hunting through your archives for more things to make me LMAO. It’s getting difficult hiding my guilty giggles from the family. So I have to peek when no one’s home. Ughh. I’ve now become a LTR/LTT crack addict. I’m sending my rehab bill to you.

Will it ever get old? I’ll still laugh hysterically when I think of the first thing my husband ever said about Rob After explaining to him that Sam Bradley was a good friend of Robs, he said, in all seriousness, “I thought Victor Krum was his best friend?”

Aww! They’re so cute. Almost as cute as Twi-virgins, don’t you think? So cough it up- we know your guys have said the most insane things about Twilight. Share with all of us (and by “share” I mean save your second best story for the comments and e-mail us with the best ones so we can use them in a future post!)

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Do you like this guy? Yeah, we thought so. Go read letters to him over on LettersToRob

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Things that happen to me that make me think Twilight may be too big a part of my life

Dear Twilight,

It’s 12:18 am. I did approximately 4.5 hours of work today at my job although I was there for 8 hours and 15 minutes. The rest of the time I responded to blog emails, approved comments, responded to comments, lurked on the forum, played around on twitter, read through my google reader, sent a few emails to my pals: The Bitchin’ Bloggers, chatted with Moon on gchat about how Rob is clearly going to have a sexless summer- it was just another day at the office. I grabbed a quick bite to eat at my grandparent’s house where I kept my cell on vibrate. When I got out to my car I had a missed call and 2 texts from Moon. Plus a bajillion twitter updates. I called Moon immediately & from the moment she said hello until this very moment at 12:24 am, I have not stopped working on my “blog about vampires.” Just a normal Wednesday, or maybe today should go on the:

List of things that happen to me that make me think Twilight may be too big a part of my  life:

• I got 6 birthday cards this year and 4 of them had Robert Pattinson’s face on them

• My cousin, who is reading the books for the first time (yep- there are still virgins out there), texts me after she finishes every major section of a book and I call her immediately, making her rehash every feeling and emotion she is going through at that very moment, just so I can live vicariously through her first time. I miss my Twi-virginity so much

• Someone gave me a book about Rob Pattinson and encouraged me “not to read it all in one sitting” (little do they know I read the entire thing in 30 minutes the day it was released at Barnes & Noble)

• When I got my friendly monthly visitor in my white pajama pants, while going commando, instead of freaking out & looking around for the closest Tide detergent stick, I thought, “What was Stephanie Meyer’s answer for what Edward does when Bella gets her period again?”

• I can’t even get my husband to respond to my e-mail, yet Ted C. from E!Online has written me 3 times in the last 2 days.

• I write a blog about vampires that, for some reason, more people than I knew existed in the world read every day. Yesterday I only had 21 views on my personal blog.

• When discussing plans for a Twilight DVD ‘girls-night-in’ night over e-mail with some real life friends, one of the RL friend’s coworkers walks into her cube. She invites her to join us for the movie and she says, “Wait, UnintendedChoice is going to be there?” Someone actually called me UnintendedChoice. In my real life.

• My grandmother cuts out articles from the newspaper about Twilight and mails them to me

• People I haven’t talked to for years who should have no idea that I run this blog write on my Facebook wall, “I just wanted to let you know I started Twilight and I love it!” (Do they think I wrote it!?)
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• I cropped a fannypack onto a man I never met (OH wait, that was Moon.. check it here)
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• If I haven’t seen a friend in a week or two, the first question out of their mouth is not, “How have you been,” but it’s, “How is living in the Twilight world?”
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• One of my best friends e-mailed me the other day and said “I feel like you have two lives. Real life UC & virtual life UC. I miss real life UC”
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• When I get a company e-mail reminding me the IT guy is coming around to everyone’s office & doing geeky crap to our computers & I go to clear my history, I notice that it’s full of phrases like:

“Rob Pattinson Bite Baby” and “Rob Pattinson lobster”

• Because of that same IT guy I deleted my temporary files & download folder yesterday. It took 12 minutes. As I saw the file names zip past my eyes as they flew into the recycle bin, I realized not one was work-related.

• I accidentally start everything, from emails, to facebook wall posts, to work coorespondance, to post-it notes with “To do’s” for my husband, to blogs on my personal blog, to my rent checks, with Dear ___________ and sign it Love, UnintendedChoice. I, alone, am keeping the “white out” product on the market.

I may also be obssessed with this fact that I found out there used to be a petition to have TomStu play Edward. TOMSTU

What should I do? Pull back my involvement? Or do I just suck it up and say, “That’s Normal” I may or may not like Twilight

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Add to list “The fact that I know who the hell TomStu is”

Okay confession time… what has happened to you to make you say… allright.. maybe I’m not that normal. (But oh! You are! That’s Normal)

Don’t forget to submit us some TwiPorn for our Porn-off with the Twilight Sisterhood

A million thanks to Calliope because without her, today’s post would have been a poll entitled “Who is hotter? Rob or Buttcrack Santa?”