How to Deflower A Twilight Virgin

We’re less than 2 weeks away from the release of New Moon. Are your plans set or are you like one of the many people who have emailed us saying they have NO Twi-lovin’ friends and therefore are attending the midnight showing alone? Unacceptable! We enlisted the help of LTT friend HeyyyBrother to instruct us HOW to take away the Twi-virginity of your friends and family. Follow her instructions and you’ll have someone to split a $7.00 diet coke in two Thursday nights!

Edward Cullen: Virgin

Dear Twilight-Lovin’ Floozies,

(I mean that in the most complimentary way possible, promise…)

Between LTT/LTR, Twitter, and my overactive imagination, I spend so much time immersed in all things Twi that I sometimes forget that there are people out there who are still Twilight virgins.  My very best friend was one of them.  Even in the midst of early New Moon mania, she remained blissfully unaware of all things Twilight.  The kind of unaware where you could say “Edward Cullen” to her and she’d ask if that was a friend or coworker.  She had never even gotten to first base with Twilight.

She watched my downward spiral into addiction from afar, not really understanding what I was getting myself into.  Thankfully she’s the most understanding and open-minded person I know, so when I finally revealed to her the depths of my obsession, she simply laughed and supported me, never judging me for being what could be considered the Twilight equivalent of a nymphomaniac… a Twilomaniac, if you will. Pretty amazing, right?  It was then that I saw the potential in her; the potential to recruit her to the dark side.  I dropped hints that she should read the books, but she’d never been much of a reader.  I realized that was a lost cause and shifted gears to the movie.  Better that than nothing, right?

It’s our job as seasoned Twilomaniac hussies to find new conquests, but there’s a lot of responsibility that goes along with being the person to take one’s Twilight v-card…  It’s not something you should ever take lightly.  In the event that any of you find yourself in a similar situation, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips.

Taylor Lautner: Virgin (But only because Chris Hansen scares away anyone willing to take away his v-card)

Are We Both Ready?  Things to consider before it’s too late.

• Keep your obsession in check. Your friend will never be interested in getting intimate with Twilight if all you do is talk about Twilight.  Your best bet is to mention it every now and then, just throwing a little teaser out there – something to let her know about the swooning she’s missing out on.  Let her know that you feel strongly about the series, but it might be best to hide your extensive collection of Twi-porn that may or may not be limited to binders full of FanFic, Team Edward/Jacob/Switzerland garb, action figures, etc.  Definitely hide your New Moon Advent Calendar and/or Countdown Chain made of construction paper.  You don’t want to scare her off before you’ve even had the opportunity to pop it in.  The DVD, I mean…
• Make sure it’s 100% consensual.  The day my friend told me she was ready to watch Twilight was a joyous occasion.  You don’t want to force this on them.  If she’s not ready, she may very well end up hating the entire experience.  No regrets!
• They should be of appropriate age.  There’s some pretty mature content and material involved here.  Don’t make me call Chris Hanson on you… I’ve already got him on speed dial since your borderline inappropriate crush on innocent little Taylor, coupled with your recent plans for a road trip to Georgia, have me more than a little concerned.
• Understand the risks.  If everything goes well, your friend could be surrendering her life over to the obsession just like you did.  She can say goodbye to her free time and her productivity at work. But if it doesn’t go well, your chance to recruit a new convert is over.  Remember: there’s no going back.

Don’t forget protection (and more) after the jump!

Twilight Virgins say the darndest things

Dear Twilight sluts,

I love virgins. I get such a big kick out of people who have just or are currently experiencing their ‘first time.’ The way they talk; the way they’re all starry-eyed; the way they’re not jaded by the experience but still have hope for the purity & innocence of it- I just can’t get enough. It’s probably because it’s hard to remember when I lost my virginity- it seems to long ago.

I’ve been blessed to hold many a friend’s hand through the experience of losing her virginity. Of course I’m talking about losing her Twilight virginity. What did you think I meant? I introduced you to my friends UrbanGirl, ItalianGirl, Tex & PreggersPants back on this post [go, it’s brill] and I really thought it was over. I thought everyone in my life I could convince to read the series had done so. Turns out, Netta my cousin decided to hop on board and give her flower to Edward Cullen himself.

I really do love the innocence of a first time Twilight reader.  They don’t know the things we know- they may not know that Midnight Sun exists & probably aren’t yet pissed off at Stephenie for not finishing it. They probably have only seen the movie once or twice & haven’t yet realized, “This movie really kinda blows apart from Robert Pattinson & Buttcrack Santa.” They think they’re alone- oblivious to the MILLIONS of affected women out there. They call their other virgin friends and admit sheepishly,”I think I’m in love with a vampire,” not realizing the number of women throughout the world exclaiming, “That’s Normal!” And my favorite: They still refer to the actors & characters by their full names instead of Nik, KStew, Jack, Ash, Rob, etc. I recently received this e-mail from my cousin Netta:

Don’t tell anyone, but my friend Gretchen had a dream about kissing Edward Cullen.

First of all, sorry Gretchen, I just let your secret slip. But don’t worry. It’s only on my little blog. Secondly, thanks, Netta, for clarifying that it’s Edward Cullen she’s interested in kissing. At first I thought you meant Edward Scissorhands.

I want to rekindle that fire you once had for the series. I know it’s dwindling- don’t try to deny it. You’re over seeing pictures of Rob on the Remember Me set. You’re counting down the days until New Moon (126) and you wish that Stephenie would just write another damn book already! Today I have a gift for you in the form of texts I’ve compiled from my friends & family. [I’ve of course left you some necessary UC thoughts in brackets] After the jump, Read, recall & reminisce your first time….