Moons friend is a Twilight comment whore, but not the way you think

*When my friend told me he skims our posts but reads our comments religiously every day I knew he had to write a letter to you all. And after much (read: me asking) convincing he has written a little love letter to you all so without further adieu I present to you my friend and fellow “Little People, Big World” lover…*

I'm pretty sure he would never be caught dead in this shirt

Dear Twi-Hards,

Let me write a quick introduction: I’m a dude. I’m straight. If my brothers knew that I was writing an entry for a blog called Letters to Twilight, they would kick my ass, assuming they know what Twilight is.

I’ve read the first book, and get the general gist of the rest of the series (girl meets vampire, falls for him, vampire leaves for some reason, nice guy werewolf tries to pick of the pieces, something about a Vampire Senate, vampire C-section, werewolf trying to fuck a baby, ecetera ecetera).

And let me be very clear about this: my involvement with the Twilight series began as something entirely mercenary. I had an outside shot at working for someone involved with the Twilight franchise (Twi-chise? Twi-fran? Team Franchise?) so that’s why I read the book and watched the first flick (in the theaters, no less!).

Now, I don’t like Twilight. At it’s best, it reads like well-crafted Buffy fan-fiction, and at it’s worst, it reads like an abstinent goth teenager ate a bad piece of soy-based pizza and watched that Ann Rice vampire movie with Brad Pitt.

The main character is bland, and has no redeeming qualities other than smelling nice or something. And she’s pretty? It’s saying a lot that I can’t remember anything about her other than those two facts.

Edward is basically a really good-looking vampire version of that guy that used to give you a lot of mixtapes, even after he told you that he just wanted to be friends. If Bella had any sense, she’d just make Edward do her homework and help her pick outfits for the shooting guard of Fork’s basketball team. Maybe one time she could get really drunk and let him feel her up, but then she’d have to hear about how it was the greatest night of his life for the next year and a half.

Jacob is a puppy dog (GET IT?!) sort of doofy dude who would probably end up being really cool in college and then marrying someone who’s probably too good-looking for him, but he’d be too dumb to be self conscious about it. I actually kind of like the guy, which makes the part at the end about him wanting to bang an infant all the more terrible.

Oh the power of the comments... just a click away from infamy or stupidity

But, all this being said, I am fucking addicted to reading this blog. Like, to the point of absurdity. It’s the first thing I read at work, which I’m sure would be enough to allow me to be castrated in Uganda (topical joke!).

BUT THAT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART! The worst part is that every work day, about a half hour it’s quitting time, I refresh the blog entry and start on the comments.

Oh, the comments. That’s what keeps me coming back, ladies. You have no idea. I start, and I go until my little heart can’t take any more. They’re like my own personal version of low-grade methamphetamine’s, except that they’re distributed by WordPress and not biker gangs.

Follow the cut to read the rest of his crazy fascination with your lovely commenters!