Dear David Slade,
We’re 70 days out from Eclipse. SEVENTY. We’ve had one trailer (I think), a few stills, a lot of drama & rumor after rumor about so much stuff I can’t keep facts and rumors straight anymore.
Let’s think back to what was going on 70 days before New Moon released. I did a calculation (literally I checked it like 12 times & I’m probably still wrong) and figured out that was on September 10, 2009 (you remember, around our 10 month 9 month anniversary!)
70 days ago, Moon broke down ALL the best news in 10 words of less, signing off her Death Cab for cutie news section with my all-time favorite moonism ever:
Dear Chris Walla of Death Cab,
I think I’m in love, you called Edward an “A-hole.”
I will follow you into the dark,
We had the New Moon trailer released at the MTV movie awards and the LA times New Moon insider pictures. David you started your infamous twit pics of shadowy shapes of nature & pieces of grass, we had a soundtrack preview and more Jortspack pictures than we could handle. We were inundated with New Moon mania.
Sure, Chris Weitz is a DILF and you can’t compete with that- he rode the Summit PR train like Cathy Hardi rides Rob in her dreams. Eclipse WAS still filming during New Moon mania giving us double overload with Summit-released saga info as well as fan released Eclipse goods. And we know you’re doing reshoots in the upcoming days, so maybe you just don’t have anything good enough to give us. And speaking of reshoots, let’s vamp (ha!) on that for a second. Summit came out and acted like it wasn’t a big deal saying there were no major scenes to be re-shot. I think I’m gonna call your bluff. Not a big deal? We’re 70 days out- you’re in full on editing mode and there are some changes big enough that flying a few cast members to Vancouver is necessary? I’M GONNA CALL THAT A BIG DEAL.
As I’ve been kept awake late into the night thinking about WHY you might possibly need to re-shoot some scenes I’ve come up with only one possible explanation: You’re finally convinced the LEGHITCH is important and your half-assed attempt at it wasn’t good enough
You’ve been hearing our cry for a year now. You’ve seen our threatening tweets. Sure you didn’t believe us in the beginning and you tried some fancy new dry-hump scene where Bella feels the special tingles down there for the first time and tried to play it off as the leghitch, but that’s not what we asked for. That’s not what we need. It was simple. It was our only request- It’s the mother effing leghitch. And if my speculation is right and that IS why you’re going back up to Couve, then by all means, get it done, son! But just in case that wasn’t your plan and the LEGHITCH the RIGHT WAY still isn’t a part of the movie…… Here are some things I promise to do if there’s not a mother effing LegHitch, just the way we want it:
- Make cardboard cut outs of Chris Weitz & you and note the difference in their height with a big ass sign above their heads saying “BIG MAN vs SMALL MAN.” Then I will sleep out for as many days necessary to get up in the FRONT of the red carpet at the premiere where I can display my cut-outs proudly
- Boycott your movie (aka only see it once OR buy tickets for Sex in the City 2 and sneak into Eclipse without paying)*
- Track down your home address & give it to Catherine Hardwicke, telling her you were hoping she’d ‘stop by for a visit,’ margaritas in hand, to retell the story of how she was responsible for the love affair that is Robsten. If you’re extra bad I’ll tell her you want to help her make a new Robsten video for You Tube.
- Cut the blades of grass you were so adamant about taking pictures of during filming. You have a love affair with nature? Watch what I do to nature. Snip, snip.
- I will convince the VPs at Summit (and I’m VERY convincing (read: I got a new shirt that shows off the ‘girls’ real well)) that you want to direct Breaking Dawn SO badly that you’re willing to do it for free.
So to recap, Eclipse is coming up SOON (70 days, 70 days) and I feel like we know very little about it. I’m scared to hear you’re doing some reshoots so late in the game, yet encouraged if they are to fix major issues that will give us a frownsmile if they are allowed in the final cut. If you HAD other plans for your time in Vancouver and you DON’T currently have an amazing leghitch scene of epic proportions currently shot, then I suggest you quick grab a couple sheets of screenplay paper & your teeny, tiny pencil and write us a mother effing leghitchscene to end all leg hitch scenes
What do you think? Are you nervous they are doing reshoots? Are you still afraid we’re not going to get the leghitch we all dream of? Is this top priority on our fasting & praying list?
*once in college I snuck into a 2nd movie after paying for the first one with some friends & I still live with the guilt, so I probably won’t be doing option #2
Filed under: David Slade, Eclipse, Fasting and Praying, Twilight, Twilight Series Books Tagged: | bella swan, Catherine Hardwicke, David Slade, Eclipse, Eclipse the movie, edward cullen, fasting & praying, leg hitch, leghitch, reshoots, The Leg hitch