*Join Freya as she pens a letter to Ashley Greene and confronts her about their relationship*
Dear LOVAH (I mean, Dear Ashley Greene),
Ever since Twilight, I knew you were the one. Sure, KStew’s got the pins to DIE for, and Rachelle has that fiery red hair, and even Nikki has that je ne sais quois, but you–you were the one I knew I would go fake lez for. (I’ve seen the pics of you and Rachelle—I knew you would be down.) And you have been such a gracious fake lady love. You were the perfect BFF in Twilight and New Moon, and I felt like we TOTALLY bonded. Especially when I realized that you was so much less stutter-y than Bella. I like my to ladies look good, and you did that, too. Except for the MTV Movie Awards, where clearly you were trying to allow me to shine as I sat at home wearing my sweats. You were a little sexy, but a little classy, too. You even filmed that movie with Kellan where you looked slightly “butch” in those sporty clothes. I figured that was a little wink and a nod to our fake lesbian relationship.
It was all going so well. But now, well, things aren’t going as well as they used to. I have this feeling, Ashley, that you might be—I hate to even say the words–UNFAITHFUL. Sure, you’ve always had your brief liaisons; there’s that Followill kid and of course Kellan, but you always managed to make those seem like passing fancies or very close friendships. But this is serious. Yes, I think you’ve been CHEATING on me. With, well…EVERYONE. I’ve been adding up the evidence, and it is fishy indeed, Ms. Greene–very fishy.
First there were the nudie cell phone pics. I know they must have been humiliating. But the first thing I wondered was “who were you taking those for?” I checked my phone–you definitely weren’t sexting them to me! I thought that maybe it was a faker–an AshGreene look-a-like porn star, perhaps, prepping for her role in New Poon, but I checked out the evidence (yes, uncensored, don’t judge me!) and indeed, all signs pointed to it really being you (as well as all signs pointing to a fresh waxing–holla!). I wondered why you took those pictures (and where your hips went to), but decided that maybe you were taking a picture of a suspicious mole for your dermatologist, or testing out a new camera phone right before getting into the shower. Could happen to anyone, right?
Follow the cut for the rest of Freya’s letter
Then I caught a glimpse of you in a bathing suit. Very sporty! Look at you, promoting good health and healthful swimming activities, I thought. Until I realized that it was you in the altogether AGAIN. Wearing a painted-on bathing suit! You were looking at the camera with some serious eff-me eyes, too. What the hell, Ashley Greene? I got a little worried about you. First you’re laying in tangled vines, where there could be poison ivy or stinging nettles, then you’re in the water where you could get crabs…I mean, get BITTEN by crabs. It just didn’t seem very sanitary to me. And what happened to your nips? Where did they go? I would figure you had a pair, but they are certainly not in evidence! What kind of witchcraft is this? Fake clothes, disappearing nips? It was more than a little frightening. I tried, once again, to justify your prancing about in the buff, but the excuse that you were just trying to cut a few seconds off your lap time by using a very streamlined suit didn’t quite cut it.
Finally has come the last straw. Interview magazine found your absent nipples, and felt the need to display them in the media like some missing child that was returned home. Look, folks! Safe and sound! Various “experts” will be examining the nipple to make sure that it’s fine, but it’s glad to be back on her boob where it belongs! Honestly, I’m out of excuses for you, Ashley. Eh, I could try saying that you were hot in the photo studio, and had to take off your shirt, forgetting that you had worn your most threadbare bra, but that doesn’t explain the leather jacket you’re wearing. And I’m hard-pressed to explain the gag in your mouth—is it some sort of free speech statement?
In short, Ash, it seems like you’re a little…slutty. You’re giving it up for anyone and everyone, and it just cheapens our special fake lesbian relationship. I can’t find a new photoshoot of you where you’re dressed slightly conservatively with that good girl-next-door toothy smile and twinkle. More and more you’ve got the tousled wet hair, the skimpy clothing, the high stiletto heels, the various bondage accouterments. It’s slightly outrageous! And if you’re trying to make an impact, it’s working. Why, I’ve showed and discussed these pictures with a couple of single men of my acquaintance, and they have eagerly attested to your attractiveness. You turned their heads–almost a complete, Exorcist-like 360 degrees! Ashley Greene whiplash! And even after they stop looking at the pictures, they seem oddly aroused and interested in women who aren’t even you! Wait… Hmmm… Let me think about this for a minute…
Dear Ashley Greene: Please disregard the above letter. Go forth and conquer.
Until next time I see you in way too little clothing,
Your FORMER fake lesbian lover,
This cracks me up Freya… oh slutty Ashley Greene who we love/question you! So what do you think of Ashley’s recent risque photoshoots and general good girl gone wild appearance? What about poor Jackson? Are the hopes of Jashley dashed forever?
Filed under: Alice, Ashley Greene, Fan Letters, Twilight, Twilight Fans | Tagged: Alice, Ashley Greene, boys, cute, fake lesbians, hot, Interview Magazine, Jared Followill, kellan lutz, KStew, men, New Moon, nide pictures, Nikki, nip slip, Rachelle, sexy, Sobe Water, Twilight, vintage |