I’m Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!! And I missed you so greatly. I had great “Welcome back from vacation” letter plans for today, but CalliopeBlabs graced us with PART 2 of her epic “Breaking Dawn through the eyes of Barbies” and it just couldn’t wait. I can. So make sure you read Part 1 if you haven’t yet, and get ready to laugh & call your mom to have her ship you your old moldy barbies from her basement so you can act out a similar scene. Xo- UC
*WAY OVER-DRAMATIC SIGH*
I hate being right. Well… okay, no, that’s definitely a lie, but I mean… I guess, I hate when being right is soooooo easy. And Summit, you make it sooooo easy. NO challenge. NO hesitation. NO uncertainty. I called you out on not having a clue how to handle Breaking Dawn and you didn’t even TRY to sneakily deny my claims. There was no… “oh, look, we’ve picked a location!” or any “oh look we’ve decided on 1 movie vs 2” to counter my claims. Zip. Zilch. Nada.
And now I know… KNOW… that you are just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, playing in the Ball Pit I’m convinced is not only present at Summit Headquarters but is also the most challenging part of a Summit employees workday, awaiting my next installment of Barbie Breaking Dawn. You saw the idea and thought… “you know, this Calli, she just might be on to something.” And there you sit… waiting for my direction on how to handle this conundrum you seem to have found yourself in.
So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2 … and hope… beyond reasonable hope… that you somehow get your shit together for Breaking Dawn. Because it is going to be ridiculous – Nay EMBARRASSING – if you have your actors start promoting the final filmed installment of the series without providing them with a SOLID, FORWARD MOVING ANSWER to the question they always seem to get: Kristen, are resolute on visiting a McDonald’s in every country and that’s why you were in Hungary? Nikki, at exactly what point did you sell your soul to the devil? Slade, do you feel discriminated against as one of the lone midget directors in Hollywood? Rob, will you actually be trying to knock Kristen up for method purposes during the final film? Taylor, do you know what a vagina is? What is happening with Breaking Dawn?
Until then, I’m going to soldier on and give the people what they have asked for (see how that works?). Therefore, here is it, the Book that everyone (okay no one) is waiting for…
Breaking Dawn Book 2: Jacobs POV
(the one where I prove this part of Breaking Dawn could just be entertaining.)
Jacob: (petulant and whiny) Woooeee is me… No one to love in my life.
Jacob: Bella! You’re back!
Bella: Come in! Have I got news for you! As if u already didn’t hate Edward… we had sex!
Does Jacob freak out? Does he phase after hearing the news? Does he put on 60s-era Beatles clothes? Find out after the jump
Jacob: Thanks for the clothes.
Edward: Anytime. listen… if Bella dies I need you to kill me.
Jacob: No prob.
Sam: So according to Jacob’s innermost thoughts… Bella’s knocked up.
Jarred: Oh… so it WAS a shotgun wedding.
Paul: Pay up Sam. I told you man.
Jacob: Listen… I’m gonna do my own thing, because for some inexplicable reason I wanna hump Bella’s baby bump.
Sam: Seriously dude? Get over it.
Jacob: So yeah… I was really hoping you didn’t follow me. Your stalker tenancies sorta creep me out.
Seth: Don’t flatter yourself.
Jacob: So I was thinking… maybe… you and I should just sorta…
Leah: yeah? I was thinking we might sorta kinda end up togeth-
Jacob: Hold up. I see Bella’s baby bump. And I’m all sortsa needing to be around it. Peace.
Jacob: That Bloodsucking fetus is killing her
Edward: OMG you’re a genius!
Bella: YUMMY BLOOD!!!
Bella: I’m starving! bring me human food! bring me blood! YUM!!!
BELLA: DON’T SAVE ME SAVE THE BABY!!!!
Jacob: She’s gonna die… here let me fondle here naked boob… I mean keep her heart beating!
Edward: Nom. Nom. Nom.
Edward: (in the fashion of Marlon Brando as Stanley from a Street Car Named Desire) Bella? BELLA?! BEEEELLLLAAAAAAAA!?!?!?!!!!
~*~End Breaking Dawn Book Two~*~
Dun, Dun, Dun…. What will happen next? Does Bella Live (yes)? Will Jacob find out why he is so in love with Bella’s Baby Bump (yes… he’s jonesin’ for her baby)? What else could possibly happen in Edward’s life to cause him to make his super stressed face (how about… his baby’s a freak. His wife’s super vamp hot. The Volturi want world domination.)?? Until Next Time…
Hearts and glitter vom.
Raise your hand if you love Calliope!!!
Filed under: Bella, Breaking Dawn, Breaking Dawn Movies, Edward, Fan Letters, Jacob, Twilight Tagged: | Barbie, Barbie & Ken, Barbies, Breaking Dawn, Breaking Dawn the Movie, CalliopeBlabs, jacob black