Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2

I’m Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!! And I missed you so greatly. I had great “Welcome back from vacation” letter plans for today, but CalliopeBlabs graced us with PART 2 of her epic “Breaking Dawn through the eyes of Barbies” and it just couldn’t wait. I can. So make sure you read Part 1 if you haven’t yet, and get ready to laugh & call your mom to have her ship you your old moldy barbies from her basement so you can act out a similar scene. Xo- UC

Dear Summit,

*WAY OVER-DRAMATIC SIGH*

I hate being right. Well… okay, no, that’s definitely a lie, but I mean… I guess, I hate when being right is soooooo easy. And Summit, you make it sooooo easy. NO challenge. NO hesitation. NO uncertainty. I called you out on not having a clue how to handle Breaking Dawn and you didn’t even TRY to sneakily deny my claims. There was no… “oh, look, we’ve picked a location!” or any “oh look we’ve decided on 1 movie vs 2” to counter my claims. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And now I know… KNOW… that you are just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, playing in the Ball Pit I’m convinced is not only present at Summit Headquarters but is also the most challenging part of a Summit employees workday, awaiting my next installment of Barbie Breaking Dawn.   You saw the idea and thought… “you know, this Calli, she just might be on to something.” And there you sit… waiting for my direction on how to handle this conundrum you seem to have found yourself in.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2 … and hope… beyond reasonable hope… that you somehow get your shit together for Breaking Dawn. Because it is going to be ridiculous – Nay EMBARRASSING – if you have your actors start promoting the final filmed installment of the series without providing them with a SOLID, FORWARD MOVING ANSWER to the question they always seem to get: Kristen, are resolute on visiting a McDonald’s in every country and thats why you were in Hungary? Nikki, at exactly what point did you sell your soul to the devil? Slade, do you feel discriminated against as one of the lone midget directors in Hollywood? Rob, will you actually be trying to knock Kristen up for method purposes during the final film? Taylor, do you know what a vagina is? What is happening with Breaking Dawn?

Until then, I’m going to soldier on and give the people what they have asked for (see how that works?).  Therefore, here is it, the Book that everyone (okay no one) is waiting for…

Breaking Dawn Book 2: Jacobs POV

(the one where I prove this part of Breaking Dawn could just be entertaining.)

Jacob: (petulant and whiny) Woooeee is me… No one to love in my life.

Jacob: Bella! You’re back!

Bella: Come in! Have I got news for you! As if u already didn’t hate Edward… we had sex!

Does Jacob freak out? Does he phase after hearing the news? Does he put on 60s-era Beatles clothes? Find out after the jump

Jacob: Thanks for the clothes.

Edward: Anytime. listen… if Bella dies I need you to kill me.

Jacob: No prob.

Edward: Cool.

Sam: So according to Jacob’s innermost thoughts… Bella’s knocked up.

Jarred: Oh… so it WAS a shotgun wedding.

Paul: Pay up Sam. I told you man.

Jacob: Listen… I’m gonna do my own thing, because for some inexplicable reason I wanna hump Bella’s baby bump.

Sam: Seriously dude? Get over it.

Jacob: So yeah… I was really hoping you didn’t follow me.  Your stalker tenancies sorta creep me out.

Seth: Don’t flatter yourself.

Jacob: So I was thinking… maybe… you and I should just sorta…

Leah: yeah? I was thinking we might sorta kinda end up togeth-

Jacob: Hold up. I see Bella’s baby bump. And I’m all sortsa needing to be around it. Peace.

Jacob: That Bloodsucking fetus is killing her

Edward: OMG you’re a genius!

Bella: YUMMY BLOOD!!!

Jacob: Gross

Bella: I’m starving! bring me human food! bring me blood! YUM!!!


Bella: oh no! i dropped my sippy cup! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I THINK SOMETHING’S WRONG EDWARD!

BELLA: DON’T SAVE ME SAVE THE BABY!!!!

Jacob: She’s gonna die… here let me fondle here naked boob… I mean keep her heart beating!

Edward: Nom. Nom. Nom.

Edward: (in the fashion of Marlon Brando as Stanley from a Street Car Named Desire) Bella? BELLA?! BEEEELLLLAAAAAAAA!?!?!?!!!!

~*~End Breaking Dawn Book Two~*~

Dun, Dun, Dun…. What will happen next? Does Bella Live (yes)? Will Jacob find out why he is so in love with Bella’s Baby Bump (yes… he’s jonesin’ for her baby)? What else could possibly happen in Edward’s life to cause him to make his super stressed face (how about… his baby’s a freak. His wife’s super vamp hot. The Volturi want world domination.)?? Until Next Time…

Hearts and glitter vom.

Calli

Raise your hand if you love Calliope!!!

Our internet game is ridiculous: LTR, The Forum, Twitter

97 Responses

  1. Omg. Epicness!

    Calli – I love these Barbie interpretations. I’ve lost all hope that Eclipse will be good, and I already KNOW BD won’t be. They should just give you a contract to sign right now. This is definitely better than anything they could come up with.

    Also, as disgusting as it is, sparkle vomit is total win. The baby inside Barbie is just plain creepy though.

  2. Having read Breaking Dawn three times I can’t decide if I’m more put off by the book, or by pregnant belly Barbie.

  3. OMG! Epic win! Calli, I’m devoting a shrine to your sense of humor. Srsly. I am.

    Sparkle vom FTW!

    PS: Hey, I think I have that Seth Ken doll… is that early ’90 surfer dude Ken? (Or whatever that doll’s oficial name was…)

    • I thought it was that Zac afferon guy doll

    • I had that Ken doll too! Definitely a surfer but he may have come with a Miami Vice like white suit too.

      • The one with the lilac skinny tie?

  4. I had no idea there was a c-section Barbie out there, and I wish I still didn’t.

    • I’m trying to pretend I never saw that, but I❤ you for naming it "C-Section Barbie."

    • serious. I didn’t read your comment before I wrote mine, which is essentially the same thing. but serious.

  5. This is too funny! “I wish you had something to look at,” FTW! Poor anatomically incorrect Jacob.

  6. So much win, Calli you are amazing! Its so clear that Summit can’t even hope to compete, they’re just waiting for you to finish the book and then approach you with their budget (about 10 bucks) to make Breaking Dawn for them.

    Can’t wait for book 3 Barbie-style!!!

  7. I just saw a picture of a pregnant Barbie puking…

    I think that’s a sure sign of the Apocalypse.

    *hurries to underground shelter*

    • Everyone else is too bedazzled by sparkle puke to join you.

  8. Calli, you are fecking hilar.
    This is all SO WIN!!
    Can’t wait for part 3.
    Love me sone sparkle vom! haha If only realy vom looked like that after a big night😐

    • All depends on what you eat last.

  9. Thanks for the cheer-up this morning! I love Barbie time. And I love how the sparkle vom is strategically covering “Get it out!” Barbie’s nipples. Not that she has nipples.

  10. “I guess Forks High doesn’t give out Condoms like the Rez HS does.”
    Bahahaha.
    Like the previous one, this too is all sorts of amazing.
    The sparkle vomit is too much win. At first I thought it was pale pink-coloured nail-polish or something…until I read the cloud…

    “Bella: YUMMy blood!”
    Seriously, I hope SM is reading this post.
    That baby inside the barbie is probably one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen, and I watch Bones so I see plenty of disturbing stuffs..

    “Rob, will you actually be trying to knock Kristen up for methodical purposes during the final movie?”
    ‘Taylor do you know what a vagina is?”

    Dear Calli, to quote Edward, OMG you are a genius!

    • My thoughts exactly! Ditto what RSMS said! Roflmao!

      (You’ve captured it all for me. Sorry, apparently I seem to have no original thoughts today. Not yet anyway…)

  11. Calli you go above and beyond the call of duty with this – thank you for the giggles, you have made my morning!

    x

  12. I am amazed by your brand of crazy.

    Hugs and sparkle vom,
    Brooke

    • I first read that as ‘I am amazed by your craze of brandy’. I need a drink.

      • Calli is more of a Disaronna kinda girl🙂

    • thank you. has it amazed you to the point of Sparkle Vom? please say yes.

  13. How did pregnant barbie get knocked up if Ken has no man bits?

    • Are you sure that Ken has no ‘man bits’? *cue giggling like a 12yr old*

      I wouldn’t know because I’ve never had a Ken doll…although it does make sense that doll makers wouldn’t put that in a doll. Now that I come to think of it, Barbie had a flat chest and no lady parts either…

      • Don’t Ken and Barbie have permanent underwear too? They must have fun doing ze dry sex.

    • I think this actually relates directly to the age old question of BD: How can Bella get knocked up if there’s no fluids left in vamps?

      Seems like Mattel and Meyer have some explaining to do…

      • No TeamSeth no, no Vampire science, makes my brain hurt.

        However, I was thinking, as you do, the whole hard as marble thing can’t make it much fun for a human to kiss a vamp. Did they actually kiss in feather scene?

        • Maybe not so much for kissing (although Bella seemed to like it a lot in the books), but the hard as marble thing could be a big plus in OTHER activities. Which they were engaging in, in the feather scene. Just sayin.

          • Oh totally agree. Just that someone made a comment yesterday about how deliciously suckable Taycob’s bottom lip looked and it made me think (as it would).

            At the same time however, and much to my shock, Robward’s sinewy muscles are finally making inroads on my psyche.

  14. OMG! You crack me up! I loved this! You rock sisters!

  15. “Hold up. I see Bella’s baby bump. And I’m all sortsa needing to be around it. Peace.” Ahahaha! Barbie Jacob perfectly captures the caricature of his tool-ish-ness.

    I LOVED the first one and have been waiting for this epic awesomeness ever since! Thanks Calliope!

  16. Muahahahaha!! SO twisted and sick. I love it.🙂

    Sparkle uteral matter in Barbie book 3 or GTFO

  17. OMFG…I’m literally crying with laughter here. Only the fact that it’s midnight my time and my howling is likely to set off a 5 mile radius of backyard pets that is stopping me… *LMAO*

    I giggled like a ten year old kid over the Seth & Jacob naked shot (w/ Book of Genesis reminiscent leaves) but the sparkle-vom!?!?!?

    I’m equal parts scared of your ingeniousness to bring to life so vividly Book 2 of Breaking Dawn, as I am in utter awe. Bring on Book 3 – can’t wait to see what a whole flock of vamps ready to unleash hell are going to look like.

    (P.S as long as Reneesme looks nothing like the cartoons from the weekend post you treated us with…really could do without an Alice cullen Barbie’s special sleepover thanks…)

    • Yah! Another Aussie on LTT. That’s got to be at least three now. It’s good to know there are at least 2 other people in the same hemisphere who are completely normal enough to comment here, cause I was getting kinda worried.

      • *Aussie hands in the air like you just don’t care*

        ILW was from NZ, but she’s back in Sri Lanka now I think so that’s one less Oceania-dweller around here *sad face*

        • I miss ILWL – turns out there’s more to do in Sri Lanka than New Zealand. Who’d’ve guessed. (where is that heavy sarcasm key? – JK, I’m actually a Kiwi lover).

      • WOOO!!!🙂 Gotta love cool fellow Aussies on LTT!

  18. *raises hand

    I❤ Calliope!
    Sparkle vom FTW!!!

    Hahahaha

  19. Calli
    that was epic. it was so funny could not stop laughing…can’t wait for the next one loved it. “Jacob: Hold up. I see Bella’s baby bump. And I’m all sortsa needing to be around it. Peace.”
    best line ever

  20. Brilliant. The red velvet jacket on 3rd frame is awesome. The fig leaves. And Jacob … “where’s my box?” *snorts* Thanks for my laugh of the day

    • The velvet jacket was scarily like the one Rob wore at the Harry Potter premiere. Who/what are those scary-looking dolls, anyway? Eurotrash Ken?

  21. Um, that was hysterical! I may go to the basement and dig up my own daughter’s moldy Barbies, so I can play, too!!!

    BahahahahahaaAAAAAAAA!

    I did not know there were pregnant Barbies. That is so awesome!

  22. The Wolfpack in sparkly pink and green clothes is awesome. No wonder they don’t mind bursting out of their clothes. Not so tragic to let those go.

  23. i’m glad you all love sparkle vom as much as i do.

  24. 🙂 I WANTED TOTRY & SAY HI! STILL NOT ABLETO READ YET BUT I MISSS YOU ALL SO MUCH 😦
    <3xZILION!

    • Miss you, too, Midnight Cyn.

    • Mentally sending hello to Cyn.

    • Miss you!!!

  25. calli

    you continue to amaze me!
    i didnt think it could get any better than part 1
    but you did it!
    Sparkle vom? WiN!!!

    cant wait till part 3!!

    i have my box of barbies still
    you may borrow them if you’d like

  26. This –> playing in the Ball Pit I’m convinced is not only present at Summit Headquarters but is also the most challenging part of a Summit employees workday

    HAHAHAH! Ok, I had to stop and compose myself after that. Now I can read on…

    • i’m convinced… CONVINCED… they have a ballpit and when it comes time to make decisions they throw darts at a dart board and go from there.

  27. Dear Calli,

    Will you marry me? I promise to give you a ring that’s prettier than Bella’s.

    Thanks.

    PS You can use my old Barbie jacuzzi (complete with a pump that makes bubbles) for any sort of wet-n-wild scenes that were left out of the book…

    • promises of a better ring? i’ll consider the proposal.

      be on the ready with the jacuzzi

  28. Also – I am mesmerized by the dark lip liner and frosted lipstick on Clubbin’ Preggers Barbie…

  29. OME! This is beyond words… I tried to stifle the squeals and giggles but was only partially successful. The officemates are used to me but the new guy thinks I’m afflicted. Sigh. Totally worth the weird looks. Sparkle vom FTW!

  30. Um. That was in-fuckin-credable. I love you, Calliope. It’s official. I’m buying you a Bella engagement ring and you will wear it with pride.

    • http://twitpic.com/1hsqzb/full

  31. *raises hand*
    Calli a lub you for this… but i’m also a tad creeped and nauseated….

  32. I can’t believe they make a C-section barbie.

    • i can’t believe i may or may not have owned a C-section barbie as a tyke… and the dreamhouse… and the camper… and the corvette… and the ferrari… and the bridal party barbie… and business barbie… and gymnastics barbie… and … and… oh yeah… i was one of THOSE.

      • I was one of THOSE too….so you are in good company. 🙂 But luckily none of my childhood memories are portrayed in these pics!

        • Thankfully I had none of them from this book (though I remember pregnant/C-section Barbie and was creeped out by it even then!) but I did have the Bella-wants-to-hump-in-the-airport-Barbie from Book 1… it had a reversible skirt to go from work straight to a cocktail party lol

          • I usually don’t reverse my skirt until AFTER the cocktails. 😉

          • Kudos for being able to get it back on again.

        • Not even the Left Banke Kens? “Walk away Renee…” I mean, they were clearly songwriting for this saga.

          • Haha! Now I have that song stuck in my head!

      • My sister had the house and corvette (or at least a convertible). One time to get revenge on her, I cut up her favorite barbie outfit. Sorry, sis!😥

        I always preferred quints and little bears.

      • Your Barbies had nice cars. I had the barbie mini-van. All the better for the dozens of kids (kelly dolls) that my barbie always had.

        • All adopted, obviously.

      • Yah know….I’m just jealous because you HAD a barbie. My mother had some twisted sense of ‘realism’ which made her believe that a Barbie was an inappropriate role model for her young daughters to aspire to be.

        Cause yes, my childhood dream was to turn into a plastic bimbo whose boob size meant she would have likely toppled over if she were in human form.

        I had like $2 cheap shop rip-off dollies. If these kinds of Twilight barbies really existed (oh lord, I could imagine the sparkle vomit! *L*) you could bet my 4 year old *ahem* I *ahem* would own the whole collection.

    • I know, right? Barbie should NOT be preggers. It’s just not anatomically possible. You know, like teenage vampire boys and human girls…oh, wait.

  33. *raises hand*

    Amazing!! As if I’d expect anything else! Can’t wait for part 3!

  34. i dont know if im more disturbed seeing the c-section barbie, or a prego barbie….

    lol

    amazeballs!

  35. Pure spectacular genius. I love Sparkle vomit!

    • *blahSPARKLEVOMblah* me too.

  36. Who’s the dude with the mohawk?

    • Yes, and exactly what went down with him & Paulex barbie in La Push? Pure genius to throw in this little sideline.

      • Oh gawd, just realised they’re wearing trenchcoats, in La Push, or is this actually a rendeavous in 1940s Paris?

    • that would be Sam… he got a haircut. you know… like dem wolves do on occasion. gotta keep it kempt.

      • Yes, but what are they doing in Paris?

  37. Please marry me Calli!

    I’m looking forward to Book 3–how about doing a stop-motion animation with the pics? Hee hee.

    • omg you’re alive! I’d been missin’ your cute dog avi. Hope you’re doing well.

      • Doin’ great. Just been busy. But still reading/lurking.

  38. Welcome back UC, the 1st week back is always the hardest unless returning from in-laws, daughter-in-laws or *shudder* group family camping with the Brady’s.

    I recommend picking up some cocktail umbrellas and gradually easing your 1st drink of the day back a hour each day. So depending on your ‘normally’ accepted drinking hours you should be back on track in anything from just over a week to a month.

    Cheers.

    PS Hate always being late to the party, waiting for insomnia to kick in again, but-

    1. Calliope needs to head up LTT film production company.

    2. Sparkle puke is epic win.

    3.Jacob Leah cliff scene is totally what I pictured.

    4. I have a new appreciation for Barbie as a cultural reference point for all around the world, kinda like Twilight. I love that somewhere in America another little girl was just as frustrated as me that Barbie/Ken spa night could never come to it’s rightful climax.

    5.Have to go to work now but 1st might change into something a bit shorter, sparklier and with puffy sleeves, I don’t want to let Barbie down. Tommorrow I’ll balance it with a homage outfit to Bella.

    • 6. Pregnant pigging out Bella is prob. the most normal Bella of the whole saga.

    • LTT sounds like a totally legit film production company name.

      3. Thank you for explaining that. At first I thought it was Bella and Edward ‘cuz she’s all embarrassed for him to see her naked on Isle Esme. But that was so last Barbie BD.

      5. Plaid or bowling shirt?

      • In honour of Bella’s ability to fall over air it will have to be bowling shirt, um, cause bowling is a sport right?

        • yes. it earned a varsity letter at my high school anyway.

          I always wondered why Bella would wear a bowling shirt her first day of school at a new school. She wanted no one to notice her, right?

  39. I❤ Barbie Theatre!!

    • PS Welcome back UC! I hope you had your fillof Nacho Man.

      PPS A margarita (or just a tequila shot) a day keeps the vacation blues away.

  40. *raises hand*

  41. […] Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2 I’m Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!! And I missed you so greatly. I had great “Welcome back from vacation” letter […] […]

  42. Wow. This is so epic I can’t even think where to start. SPARKLE VOM FTW!!!!

    KPattz..
    http://www.kelsiepattinson.wordpress.com

  43. WAIT WAIT WAIT!!! I just noticed something. In the last ePIC, IS BELLA WEARING A ZEBRA SNUGGIE????

  44. Ummm…was anyone else freaked the eff out by that barbie with the gaping baby hole in its stomach? Do they actually MAKE that sh*t?!?!

  45. […] See part 2 of LTT‘s imagining of Breaking Dawn Here […]

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