Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2

I’m Bacccckkkkkkkk!!!!! And I missed you so greatly. I had great “Welcome back from vacation” letter plans for today, but CalliopeBlabs graced us with PART 2 of her epic “Breaking Dawn through the eyes of Barbies” and it just couldn’t wait. I can. So make sure you read Part 1 if you haven’t yet, and get ready to laugh & call your mom to have her ship you your old moldy barbies from her basement so you can act out a similar scene. Xo- UC

Dear Summit,

*WAY OVER-DRAMATIC SIGH*

I hate being right. Well… okay, no, that’s definitely a lie, but I mean… I guess, I hate when being right is soooooo easy. And Summit, you make it sooooo easy. NO challenge. NO hesitation. NO uncertainty. I called you out on not having a clue how to handle Breaking Dawn and you didn’t even TRY to sneakily deny my claims. There was no… “oh, look, we’ve picked a location!” or any “oh look we’ve decided on 1 movie vs 2” to counter my claims. Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And now I know… KNOW… that you are just sitting there, twiddling your thumbs, playing in the Ball Pit I’m convinced is not only present at Summit Headquarters but is also the most challenging part of a Summit employees workday, awaiting my next installment of Barbie Breaking Dawn.   You saw the idea and thought… “you know, this Calli, she just might be on to something.” And there you sit… waiting for my direction on how to handle this conundrum you seem to have found yourself in.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you Barbie Breaking Dawn Part 2 … and hope… beyond reasonable hope… that you somehow get your shit together for Breaking Dawn. Because it is going to be ridiculous – Nay EMBARRASSING – if you have your actors start promoting the final filmed installment of the series without providing them with a SOLID, FORWARD MOVING ANSWER to the question they always seem to get: Kristen, are resolute on visiting a McDonald’s in every country and thats why you were in Hungary? Nikki, at exactly what point did you sell your soul to the devil? Slade, do you feel discriminated against as one of the lone midget directors in Hollywood? Rob, will you actually be trying to knock Kristen up for method purposes during the final film? Taylor, do you know what a vagina is? What is happening with Breaking Dawn?

Until then, I’m going to soldier on and give the people what they have asked for (see how that works?).  Therefore, here is it, the Book that everyone (okay no one) is waiting for…

Breaking Dawn Book 2: Jacobs POV

(the one where I prove this part of Breaking Dawn could just be entertaining.)

Jacob: (petulant and whiny) Woooeee is me… No one to love in my life.

Jacob: Bella! You’re back!

Bella: Come in! Have I got news for you! As if u already didn’t hate Edward… we had sex!

Does Jacob freak out? Does he phase after hearing the news? Does he put on 60s-era Beatles clothes? Find out after the jump Continue reading

Summit- do you need help with Breaking Dawn?

Continuing on our Spring Break (aka Moon & UC do some boring, geeky bloggy business for a few days), CalliopeBlabs brings us Part I of an EPIC Breaking Dawn suggestion for Summit!

Dearest Summit,

Seems you’ve been having some trouble with this whole Breaking Dawn issue.  I mean, I get it… I read the book, I KNOW there’s a lot to work through. One movie or two? Where to split? Who to direct? How to get around those pesky child protection laws to make TayTay falling in love with a baby okay.

Not to mention all the bargaining I’m sure you’ve been doing with Rob and Kristen.  Did they convince you to allow for TomStu to come to Isle Esme with them?  You know they don’t like to leave him by himself for too long… he’s a clingy one that TomStu.   Also, I know you and Rob have been trying to convince Stewie that method is the best way to go where Renesmee is concerned… any luck?

Or perhaps you’ve taken my advice and are trying to get the Pitt-Jolie biological offspring to star as the Golden Child since they all look the same since we all know with parents like Jolie-Pitt they’d be impeccably appropriate employees. I mean, Angelina and Brad… all business all the time. expect for that time when they got busy on one of your movie sets… I mean seriously!?! What do you feed your employees? So yes, I GET what monumental issues you’ve been facing with Breaking Dawn.

But…

you know….

it’s already APRIL.

I’m starting to get a little nervous here.

So of course, like the overly imaginative person I am… and because, unlike you, I do have a soul, I’ve decided to help you guys out here.  I’ve created the perfect solution to the problems you obviously can’t get around. Let’s just use the Bella, Edward & Jacob dolls you so willingly created and marketed at an exorbitant price to the Twi-fandom to make Breaking Dawn.  It’ll be cheap… you won’t have to worry about CGI… and no one will act out on set.   Sure some fans might be pissed but they’ll get over it. Plus, they are just fans… what do you care!?!

Still unsure? Need a visual? No problem.  Let me show you how it’s done… the story of Breaking Dawn: cheap, drama free and without the speculation of whether or not Barbie and Ken are doing it (they are). Grab the popcorn, dim the lights… and enjoy. Because at this rate, it might be as good as we are gonna get.

BOOK 1: BELLA

Bella: (Grumbles) Fine random dudes… i’ll let you get some pictures of me and my fancy car.

Bella: (pouting) i wish Edward would have stayed the night instead of gallivanting with his brothers. At least purple’s still cool… even if I am about to get married. I mean nothing says ready for the altar like purple sheets. At least, that’s what my YM magazine says.

Renee: you’re getting married… and you aren’t even knocked up!

Bella: (nervously) Dad, I think I’m going to puke.

Charlie: (loudly) You little LIAR! I knew it… you are knocked up! Where is that punk. I’m gonna kill him.

Charlie: why are you even here?

Bella: I DO

Priest: It’s not time for that yet dear

Bella: I DO

Edward: love, still not time for that

Bella: I DO.

Edward: I DO.

Bella: (relived and horny) YAYYYY we are married!

Find out what happens after the jump! Continue reading