Dear Big Daddy Lautner,
Imagine my surprise this weekend when a sweet twitter follower, Megistwitting, sent us THIS picture to grace my computer screen:
Sure, sure. It’s nice to see Taylor walking out and about and legal, but I’m talking about that handsome stud reflecting in the windows of the building- Yes! It’s you! You thought you escaped the flash of the camera, but the paparazzi know how much we love you! They’re not going to let a perfect opportunity of catching the Big Daddy Lautner & son family work-out session!
Speaking of working out- you did it! I’m so proud. I mean, you’re looking out for your health! What was it that finally got you to the bench press? Did you come across a couple good deals in the coupon clipper for the Olive Garden and end up stopping by last night to sample a pasta, chicken, beef and seafood dish all by yourself? Was it the guilt from the 14,000 calories consumed? Did you wake up one day and realize that if you leave this earth before your time, little Taylor will truly be all alone? You’ve finally accepted that while his child stardom (and plane weight restrictions) allowed you to leave your job as a pilot, it’s caused Taylor to live his life with his dad as his only friend?
So how did the first time go? It was probably pretty tough huh? It’s a little different actually doing the exercises than just standing on the sideline shouting encouragement to Taylor with your hand in a bag of cheetos. Did you sweat Alfredo sauce? I can imagine Taylor worked you pretty hard. You’re probably not ready to jump into his eating an working out schedule (Rob Pattinson couldn’t even handle it), so Moon & I put our heads together to craft a work out plan just for you:
Big Daddy Lautner’s Customized Work-out Plan
Pump you up Music Playlist:
- The Rocky Theme Song
- James Brown: I feel good
- Sir Mix-a-Lot: I like Big Butts
- Michael Jackson: Don’t stop till you get enough
- Justin Bieber: Baby
- Lift your spoon from your minestrone soup to your mouth for 15 reps (or until the bowl is empty)
- Lift your cell phone to your face 10 times and call 10 different Olive Gardens for dinner reservations. Rest. Call 9 of them back and cancel. (You worked hard. You can go get dinner at at least one of them!)
- Remove one of Taylor’s 8 pairs of sunglasses from his head, shirt, dashboard, etc. Try them on. Put them back. Repeat with the other 7 pairs.
- Crack lobster shells with bare hands
- (BONUS!) Punch waiter if he doesn’t automatically give you another basket of buttery biscuits
- Dip lobster in butter
- Pick up new bib, remove old bib, put on new bib
- Slouch down on couch and turn on TV. During every commercial, sit up a little bit more. Slouch back down when you show returns. Repeat until show is over
- (BONUS for additional bicep curl) Reach for Doritos as sitting up from slouching position
- Stare at body in mirrors. Concentrate
- Block out images of Filet-o-fish
- Focus intensely on trying to forget all the area Olive Garden’s phone numbers within a 20 mile radius
Home Gym Decoration ideas
- Big poster of Taylor, shirtless with words written on top “Like me in ’85.” Next to that a big McDonald’s sign- crossed out. Next poster- a blown up picture of you with words on top “Me in 2010.” To remember what it’s all for. Show Taylor this illustration daily. To warn him
- Also a poster of a slutty girl in a bikini of course. Maybe photoshop Taylor Swift’s face onto Heidi Montag-Spencer’s body.
Potential Workout sponsors
- Elastic Manufacturer’s of America
- Casual Male (Formally “Big & Tall”)
- Triple XXX Polo.com (not to be confused with XXX pole.com)
Big Daddy- we’re proud. We want you to be healthy. We want you to be around for MANY years to come. And not just because we fear that if you’re gone it’ll mean your son’s only friend left in the world is Thor- his flaming agent- which won’t be good for Tay’s chances of staying closeted for life. Not that I want him to live with a secret that big, I just don’t want to feel the weirdness that’s sure to come once you hear a guy you once said some inappropriate things about isn’t actually straight. No- I don’t want you healthy for just that reason. (I mean, someone has to keep In-N-Out from spreading the east coast :))
UnintendedChoice with a helpful hand from Moon
We really, truly love Big Daddy Lautner. Truly. When we say we wish we could meet him above anyone else, we’re not kidding. It would be a dream come true to eat at Olive Garden with him. I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick.