Working out with Big Daddy Lautner

Dear Big Daddy Lautner,

Imagine my surprise this weekend when a sweet twitter follower, Megistwitting, sent us THIS picture to grace my computer screen:

Son- this way. I see the Arches...

Sure, sure. It’s nice to see Taylor walking out and about and legal, but I’m talking about that handsome stud reflecting in the windows of the building- Yes! It’s you! You thought you escaped the flash of the camera, but the paparazzi know how much we love you! They’re not going to let a perfect opportunity of catching the Big Daddy Lautner & son family work-out session!

Speaking of working out- you did it! I’m so proud. I mean, you’re looking out for your health! What was it that finally got you to the bench press? Did you come across a couple good deals in the coupon clipper for the Olive Garden and end up stopping by last night to sample a pasta, chicken, beef and seafood dish all by yourself? Was it the guilt from the 14,000 calories consumed? Did you wake up one day and realize that if you leave this earth before your time, little Taylor will truly be all alone? You’ve finally accepted that while his child stardom (and plane weight restrictions) allowed you to leave your job as a pilot, it’s caused Taylor to live his life with his dad as his only friend?

So how did the first time go? It was probably pretty tough huh? It’s a little different actually doing the exercises than just standing on the sideline shouting encouragement to Taylor with your hand in a bag of cheetos. Did you sweat Alfredo sauce? I can imagine Taylor worked you pretty hard. You’re probably not ready to jump into his eating an working out schedule (Rob Pattinson couldn’t even handle it), so Moon & I put our heads together to craft a work out plan just for you:

Hello? Is this Ruth's Chris Steakhouse? Do you have any after-workout specials?

Big Daddy Lautner’s Customized Work-out Plan

Pump you up Music Playlist:

  • The Rocky Theme Song
  • James Brown: I feel good
  • Sir Mix-a-Lot: I like Big Butts
  • Michael Jackson: Don’t stop till you get enough
  • Justin Bieber: Baby

Lifting:

  • Lift your spoon from your minestrone soup to your mouth for 15 reps (or until the bowl is empty)
  • Lift your cell phone to your face 10 times and call 10 different Olive Gardens for dinner reservations. Rest. Call 9 of them back and cancel. (You worked hard. You can go get dinner at at least one of them!)
  • Remove one of Taylor’s 8 pairs of sunglasses from his head, shirt, dashboard, etc. Try them on. Put them back. Repeat with the other 7 pairs.

Biceps

  • Crack lobster shells with bare hands
  • (BONUS!) Punch waiter if he doesn’t automatically give you another basket of buttery biscuits

Bicep Curls

  • Dip lobster in butter
  • Pick up new bib, remove old bib, put on new bib

Sit ups

  • Slouch down on couch and turn on TV. During every commercial, sit up a little bit more. Slouch back down when you show returns. Repeat until show is over
  • (BONUS for additional bicep curl) Reach for Doritos as sitting up from slouching position

Mental Focus

  • Stare at body in mirrors. Concentrate
  • Block out images of Filet-o-fish
  • Focus intensely on trying to forget all the area Olive Garden’s phone numbers within a 20 mile radius

Son- this could be you in 15 years...

Home Gym Decoration ideas

  • Big poster of Taylor, shirtless with words written on top “Like me in ’85.” Next to that a big McDonald’s sign- crossed out. Next poster- a blown up picture of you with words on top “Me in 2010.” To remember what it’s all for. Show Taylor this illustration daily. To warn him
  • Also a poster of a slutty girl in a bikini of course. Maybe photoshop Taylor Swift’s face onto Heidi Montag-Spencer’s body.

Potential Workout sponsors

  • Elastic Manufacturer’s of America
  • Casual Male (Formally “Big & Tall”)
  • Triple XXX Polo.com (not to be confused with XXX pole.com)

Big Daddy- we’re proud. We want you to be healthy. We want you to be around for MANY years to come. And not just because we fear that if you’re gone it’ll mean your son’s only friend left in the world is Thor- his flaming agent- which won’t be good for Tay’s chances of staying closeted for life. Not that I want him to live with a secret that big, I just don’t want to feel the weirdness that’s sure to come once you hear a guy you once said some inappropriate things about isn’t actually straight. No- I don’t want you healthy for just that reason. (I mean, someone has to keep In-N-Out from spreading the east coast :))

Love,
UnintendedChoice with a helpful hand from Moon

We really, truly love Big Daddy Lautner. Truly. When we say we wish we could meet him above anyone else, we’re not kidding. It would be a dream come true to eat at Olive Garden with him. I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick.

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

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69 Responses

  1. ACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

    Glow worm Tay at 7 am?!??!

    Hellllllllll.

  2. Big Daddy Lautner returns!
    So much awesomeness in this post!

    I just have one question: what’s with the sunglasses on Taylor’s face AND on his shirt?

    • I didn’t even notice! How observant. At first I hadn’t even seen Big Daddy’s reflection (and it’s a BIG reflection… which is pretty duh.)

      I bow to your superiour observance skills. (I’m not being sarcastic. Really.)

      • I surprised myself when I noticed them!
        Because I only noticed Big Daddy when I read “but I’m talking about that handsome stud reflecting in the windows of the building.”

        So you’re not alone in that. But thanks – I’ll take the compliment :)

    • Taytor Tot has those extra glasses so that he can make his shirt into a V neck. 1) it makes him look more ripped and 2) he saw Rob had one and liked the reaction that produced in us all…he’s a copycat.

    • I was wondering the exact same thing….I guess sometimes one pair of shades just isn’t enough..

    • He may or may not have a couple of extra pairs in his pockets as well. What’s with all those bulges in weird places anyway? I’m allowed to notice these things now, his birthday was weeks ago already.

      • I think he just left one pair behind last time, & now gets to take them home. I *may* have done this myself, elebenty times.

  3. Big Daddy Lautner,

    I have a feeling you wont like me very much for some reason. Maybe cause I’m not tall, blonde/ brunette, pale, stick thin and cause I cant play the guitar or act in a cheesy wizard show. I also dont exercise to save my soul (oh wait..) You may also not like me cause I am averse to taking cheesy kissy pictures and posting them on youtube in a vid set to some Justin Beaverhead song. All these reasons may also be the reason you adopt me for a day and treat me to a Lautner lunch.

    To be honest you look pretty strict but under that hard shell I’m sure we’ll find a gooey centre of luuuurve. I intend on finding that gooey centre…if not with you..then by being friends with your very considerate I-will-carry-your-glasses-for-you-on-my-manly-chest son…No I havent given up on that venture. If it helps, I’m catholic so no funny business…even if he begs
    (and believe me…he will beg). :D
    Lots of love,
    Me

    Morning everybody!
    Hamsta is a gangsta!

    • Well, if it helps, Taylor Swift can’t play the guitar either. Zing!

      • Indeed! Me likey zingy Toosday! : )

      • Dear Thumbsdowner,

        I’m taking your silence on the matter as confirmation that you know I’m right.
        <3
        tuesday

    • Oh IWL….you are, indeed, gangsta.

    • Awww… Twinsie.

      Someone is jealous of your Big Daddy love. They want to touch his gooey center first…. (eww)

      Don’t hate the playa, hate the game!

    • I dont understand the thumbsdowning. IllegalWL is simply stating FACTS. Kate Moss thinks Taylor Swift is too skinny, and Selena’s show is both cheesy AND about wizards.

    • Dear downthumbers for me and Toosday,

      *Learn to take a joke (no one loves Swifty more than I do…and Selena is cute!)

      *I’m catholic and chubby and I said nothing to insult either.

      * Who the hale let the Beiber fans in here? He’s 8! and he sounds like a serial killer. He’s coming for all the lonely girls in the world…dooo dooo dooo…

      *And errr eff you! :) I hope for every unnecessary, annoymous downthumb you give, one of your fingers falls off. Yup the gloves are off..no more nice panda…

      Go ahead downthumb…try typing without your middle fingers. Oh wait…let me give u one of mine.
      Love,
      Me

      • *cracks whip* :D *wink-wink*
        tell ‘em girl-friend!

      • I love it when IWL get’s mad. She sounds like me in a good mood. :D

      • You go girl! You deserve a treat for being so dang sassy. Meet me at the Olive Garden at 7. Call me when you get there, cause I’ll have to come out from behind the dumpster.

  4. like Mike once said to Bella in Twilight..”You’re alive” while Bella stared at Edward and Mike asked her about going to the dance with him, twice.

    and like Taylor said in Valentine’s Day to some dude I dont remember his name.
    “Do some push-ups”
    “What for?”
    “They make you look good”
    (I bet he was talking to BigDaddy in that moment.)

  5. Look at Taylor, seriously, having two pairs of glasses at the same time in the same body has never been so hot.
    I wish I was those glasses

    • Haha… why DOES he have two pairs of glasses??

      • One of them belongs to Big Daddy or he’s keeping them safe for Rob till he gets back from the BAFTA’s.

        • Yep can’t expect the man to start working out and carry all the extra weight at the same time. Gotta start somewhere.

    • I’d be either pair of them. :)

      • I’ve worked it out…after much thought. They’re for the extra pair of eyes he’s growing in the back of his head since he turned 18. Obvious, when you think about it. Duh!

  6. always remmeber this take a picture for when we get older it all goes south. It is gravity. nature. the six pack turns into a 12 pack or a keg. Olive garden reps are great. Maybe he could use a fork lift. http://defutebol.net

    • Hahahaha! “Maybe he could use a fork lift.” Brilliant, bobbygee!

  7. I can imagine Taylor worked you pretty hard.

    That’s what she said.

    • Oh good, I’m not the only one who is ok with incestuous TWSS references.

  8. I imagine that first pic from Taylor’s new movie, you know the one with the premise that part Shallow Hal, part 17 Again? His reflection is what he really looks like, but he thinks he’s a hot commodibody?

  9. I love some Big Daddy.

  10. “I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick”

    Truth!!!

  11. Ummmmm, this question may be tactless, but what the hey. I’m totally serious….Are Big Daddy and Taylor biologically related? Because they do not look like they are from the same gene pool….justsayin’…

    Anyone?

    • I was going to ask the SAME thing! I have trouble believing those two are related. I mean, I don’t look like either of my parents, but it’s still believable that I’m their child. Taylor? I don’t see it.

      Has anyone seen his mom? Maybe she’s gorgeous…

    • I don’t get it either. There not even the same ethnicity. Daddy’s a big ol white dude, Taylors not. Taylor is so pretty. We’ve got to see mama.

      • SOOOOOOOOOOOOO pretty:)

      • Exactly what I was thinking. And where is his mom? How does someone here not have a pic of her at the ready?

  12. Truth: I do those sit-ups on my couch.
    *facepalm*

    • Truth: I do sit-ups at the gym and eat fastfood afterwards.

  13. tbh I did not even notice Big Daddy in the 2nd picture. At first that was. Then I looked away from his waist (seriously that was all I could stare at for like 5 minutes) and found Daddy T on a phone! Wonder what kind of phone it is?

    • Nothing worse in life than being fat.

      • *dies* xD

        Srsly tho. This post was one huge fat joke. UC, imma need to ask you to back your narrow ass up and take a look at the Twilight fandom. A LOT of us are overweight. ;)

        No attacks here, just some (low fat) food for thought. Carry on. :)

        • I was gonna say, don’t forget ugly also. And moronic. But I won’t, ’cause I’m not TammyO.

        • this post was ONLY about Big Daddy just like when we talk about Ashley getting naked it’s ONLY about her (although I’d be happy to discuss other naked celebs if you’d like!) and fake lesbian & bad hair posts are ONLY about kristen and not about lesbians. The only reason we started talking about Big Daddy from the beginning (and have joked about his weight since the beginning) was because of the hilarious contrast between he and his son (just like everyone is asking- are they really related!? they seriously look nothing alike) If Big Daddy was skinny or Taylor was big- it probably wouldn’t have ever been interesting enough to talk about in the first place. Just like when Mike Welch gained 4 pounds and his face changed shape. People noticed it. So we talked about it. That’s what we do.

          So this post is about Big Daddy. That’s all. End of story. We never meant it as a dig to a certain group of people. And we’re very sorry if it came off as that- We love all our readers (Except one- you know who we mean, T.O) big, small, short, black, white, red, yellow, green even people shorter than David Slade- EVEN THEM :)

          • Yeah, I know you joke about Big Daddy all the time. It’s just that it’s usually a jab here and there, not an entire post of cliche fat jokes. Instead of being able to just chuckle and move on, you have time to feel self-conscious about yourself.

            Listen, I’m not gonna sit here and act like I’m trying to be some kind of spokesperson for overweight Twihards. I don’t care that much. I’m just saying an entire post dedicated to making fun of a fat guy is a little much. It’s just my opinion. I’m not expecting anyone to issue statements or change what they’re doing. Someone like me shouldn’t have that kind of power. Shit could get ugly.

            Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get my hypocrisy on…

            I’d like to issue a challenge: Whoever can produce a picture of David Slade standing next to Daniel Cudmore wins the Internet. ;)

            Ready? GO!

            (this is UC) Since I do have “Power” and can hack into comments and edit them and bold my response since the thread ended and I can’t reply, I’d like to announce that I like you :)

          • DAMN YOU AND YOUR GOD-LIKE ADMIN POWERS–oh, wait…you’re complimenting me.
            ;)

          • @UC….Good cause I AM shorter than David Slade… ;) way older too..lol <3

            I LIKE YOU TOO. I”LL PRAY FOR A GROWTH SPURT

          • Dear Chim,

            Mucho empathy with you on this, I’ve been there.

            But it is weird that I never get offended by the numerous posts & comments re:KStew’s hair when mine is also a disaster. Maybe ’cause I know all I need to do to fix it is throw a Britney (also never feel offended by people chuckling at Brits – maybe because most of us have been somewhere in that particular disaster zone at some time.

          • @UC..LOL..too late for that I am afraid….Please use your prayers for the return of the rest of my brain and REALLY GOOD WRINKLE CREAM that ACTUALLY WORKS! XOXO

          • I knew I would wear you down with my shortness! You like me, you really like me (said in a Sally Fields voice)! Now if I just wasn’t short and green all would be happy in the world. Oh, wait, you like green people too! Happy days are here again!

    • Big Daddy is in the second one?
      ;)

      • I was going to say… who’s even looking at big daddy in these pics? My eyes automatically skim right over him and zero in on our legal friend.

        And not to rub it in or anything to our counterparts over at LTR, but his hair looks PERFECT. ;)

        • Was thinking the same thing about the hair!!!

  14. A little off topic, but related to athletics.
    Did anyone see the sparkly girl jorts and her partner’s Jasper ‘do on the olympics (ice dancing) last night?

    • Yes! OMG, I seriously hit my husband’s shoulder and said, “It’s Jasper!”

      And it totally led me to thining up a lame fanfic, which I smartly did not write down because it would’ve mortified me later.

    • I had to tweet about the jorts, I could not believe my eyes!

  15. LOL I love Big Daddy! This post was epic! I feel like there should have been a that’s what she said after “I can’t resist a big man with a breadstick.” bahahahahaa

    • i was leaving room for you to say it in your head!

  16. Big Daddy = true manllow.

    Those manips give me the heebie-geebies. I mean, one major injury & Tay will blossom into that man.

    I think they look like they’re related, but it would be interesting to look at grandparents etc to see where all the *extras* come from. Whose nose is it? I have NO probs with his nose…seriously, if every bloody feature was perfect I think he’d have no character….but I know some people do.

    Who is Thor? More details please.

    • There is something off with his nose? Never noticed.
      ….and I don’t who Thor is either.

      BTW- being meaning to tell you, your screen name is awesome!

    • Who is related? Big Daddy and Lil’ Lautner or each mannip?

      This is still as ridiculous as ever.

  17. Aww Big Daddy.

    I wish I could meet you too.
    Would it be possible to arrange a dinner at the “Garden” for you, me, Moonie, and Taylor? That would be my perfect night. and awesome double date…for sure. Moon, you get Big Daddy :)

    Glad to see more of him and glad to see he’s at least putting on workout gear! That’s the first step to feeling better about yourself! Even if he is just walking around on his cell!
    <3 Ash

    • As someone who is morally opposed to running (it’s against my religion), walking is excellent exercise.
      So, I agree. You go Big Daddy!

  18. He is suing Mc Donalds and is talking to his lawyer. The happy meal did not make Big Daddy happy.

  19. all I can think about is Olive Garden…mmmmmm Italian food…mmmmm Olive Garden salad dressing

  20. Oh how I love Big Daddy, my heart lept when I saw the photos. I think Taylor is keeping him beefed up because he knows he would totes out swoon him if he trimmed down. Damn you Evil Taylor.

  21. Does this mean that Breaking Dawn will be shooting in the next few months???

  22. Just one question: Why is Taycob wearing culottes? Dude, you weren’t even born in the 70′s!! They’re wrong, just wrong.

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