Team Cullen take over the Olympics

*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*

Go for the gold Cullens!

Dear Cullen Family,

I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.

It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!

Carlise's competition? Eric Yorkie!

Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)

Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.

Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!

Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!

Alice & Jasper – Ever the team, beauty and her ambiguously-haircutted-yet-hawt beast to hold her up – graceful and elegant, a pair that you just cannot help but adore; Pairs Figure Skating is perfect for you in every way possible. If the Russians hadn’t already lost their strong-hold on the gold medal to the Chinese last week – you’d steal it for sure! I’m positive there would be weeping after watching you two skate.

No son osos!

Emmett – If ever there was a sport tailor-made for a big, strong, dumb, bo-hunk (emphasis on hunk), it’s hockey. Perfect for the aggressive types. Just be careful when you play against any East-European teams. Large, covered in hair and smelly, you might be tempted to wrestle with them, but despite what all your senses are telling you, please remember – they’re NOT bears!!

Bella – Can’t make up your mind about which sport you love best? The steady speed and thrill of Alpine skiing or the all in, two-feet on the board X-treme possibilities of snowboarding? No worries! Get the best of both worlds with Freestyle Moguls. A fast paced ride down a bumpy hill, longing for release and just when you think you can’t take any more, Whoosh! Pure adrenaline, as you leave the ground for some bad-ass aerial jumps. Will you listen as your boyfriend insists that you keep your feet safely on the ground, or will you follow your best friend’s lead and keep on jumping?

Edward – Much to my pleasure surprise, I found you hard (TWSS) to place in a particular sport. Luckily for me, you’re given to mood swings and so I’ve picked two sports for you to compete in:

* For the fun, speed-loving guy, what could be more satisfying than the Downhill? Every woman in the world Bella will swoon as you come zooming toward her in a skin tight lycra outfit at top speeds.
* For the over-protective, old fashioned guy, I’m sure you’ll enjoying a game of Curling. Suck on a Werther’s to help you concentrate as you gently thrust your smooth stone (TWSS) towards the target.

Jacob – Technically, you’re not a Cullen….yet, but we all know you’re going to be sooner or later, so it’s only natural that you should compete too. And there’s only one sport, relatively new, that is worthy of Jacob Black. High flying aerials, naturally associated with badass-ness, Snowboarding is just waiting for you. You’ll have some competition though. Is Shaun White your pale-faced cousin? Wait! You two could pair up! Think of it: White and Black soaring to new heights. Look out world!

Um also, taking into account your insanely high body temperature, I think it’s only wise that you do not wear a shirt when competing…you know, just so you don’t get heat stroke.

Renesmee – I’m sure there’s an Olympic event out there, worthy of her talents. But I think that it’s best to keep this freak of nature beautiful little girl safe and sound and out of sight, until we can all be satisfied that Chris Hansen is no longer on alert.

So there we have it; a new way for the entire Cullen clan to get out and enjoy the world at large. I’m absolutely positive that you’ll have a blast, and I know that I will have a blast watching you all compete. On that note, I think it’s only fair that you send me tickets to all the events. Attending an Olympics is on my bucket list, and you’d be doing a kindness to this mere mortal.

Go for the Gold!

Team Cullen – 2014

Thank you Luludee now what winter sports do you think the rest of the characters would participate in? Mike Welch in men’s figure skating? Ben Cheney and Angela in Ice Dancing??

Our internet game is ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

82 Responses

  1. I just imagined Rob zooming down the hill towards everyone.
    Picture it.
    Pretty sure there’s a damn good reason Kristen calls him Flippy.

    As Edward though, it just might work.
    I’ll back Team Cullen anyday!

  2. You had me at “thrusting your smooth stone.”

    Will Edward be wearing tweed during the curling event?

  3. That was seriously a WONderful letter! i aDOR the breakdown and whole-heartedly agree!


    talk about taking it to a whole-other-level! i’d hafta watch every event! awesome-sauce!

  4. And this is why I come here. Every day. Who else comes up with genius like this, day in, day out? Who else can turn anything into a (funny) twss fest? Only LTT’ers & LTR’ers, that’s who…

    Big ❤ Ludlee

    And I think Eric is a shoe in for 'helmet hair floofing' – a new sport where contestants compete against the clock to get competitors hair ready for the rostrum after they prise their helmets off. Seriously- almost every winter Olympic sport is hell on the hair.

  5. I kind of picture Bella in a bob sleigh. It could be the wintry equivalent to her motorcycle. And I hear that’s a rather extreme sport these days.

  6. Brilliant ideas, Luludee!! I’m still snickering inappropriately over Esme’s “you know since you have experience jumping off of high places.”

    I’m thinking Charlie for biathlon – since he knows his way around a rifle.

    You think Yorkie and Mike would do the two-man luge?

    • Oh, totally the two-man luge. Didn’t even think of that one. They could have thier own little song at the beginning; like the cool runnings guys did. Can you imagine them in their little helmets and luge shoes? Spot on.

    • I think Yorkie and Mike could be ice dancing partners.

    • I can’t believe I didn’t even think about Charlie! What’s wrong with me?

      • Hahaha, Well, in your defense, he’s an in-law and not really a Cullen. However, he is a famous ladies man… which fits the professional athlete’s bill pretty well. *cough* Tiger Woods *cough*

  7. No son osos!

  8. Two things…

    1) Luludee = Hilar!

    2) Hockeyward


    The hamster is a minimalist today 🙂

  9. EXCELLENT!!!!

    Esme is my fav – with your experience of jumping off high places – ha ha ha

    Shame there’s no Winter Kung Fu for Harry Clearwater because you know it’s strong.

  10. That was f-ing hilarious. Seriously one of the best posts I’ve seen in a while.

    All I have to say is that Tyler Crowley better sit this one out. He cannot handle himself on the ice, you know. Good morning, all!

  11. The creativity of you girls knows no bounds! Genius!

  12. I’m so loving this letter. I have been looking foward to the Olympics for months (years maybe even). Huge fan of Speed Skating, espectially Sven Kramer (I’m Dutch). Wish I could be there!

    So it was a nice surprise to find a Olympic related Twi-letter. Very good choices and the Carlisle speed skating combination, can’t wait to see that.

    Hopefully Sven will win his second gold medaille today.
    Go Dutch Go 😀

    • I’m from the U.S., and I LOVED watching Sven win the gold the other day! What a great story! So much pressure on him, but he really pulled through. Congratulations!

      • Thank you, we are all so very proud!

        Sven is really the best longdistance skating we have at the moment. He’s been at the top for the last four years and the pressure is huge.

        If he doesn’t win the 10 K also, everyone will be disappointed. So let’s hope he will pull through for us tonight as well.

        Ps, I’m sorry you guys didn’t win the gold with Shani on the 1500 M. He really is the best at that distance, although I’m very happy an other dutch guy won 😉

        • It’s not hard to be happy for you guys when it’s so obvious how much it means to your athletes and your country. I’ve been cheering for orange, too! Good luck today!

    • I’m from the US as well, but I don’t necessarily want all US athletes to win. I pretty much always root for the favorite, no matter where they are from, and I was really, really happy for the Netherlands when Sven won last week. It was awesome to see how excited all the fans were and even Sven himself. I loved seeing him run up into the stands and give his family a hug.

      • Wow, that really nice of you, rooting for the Orange-team.

        You have no idea, how stressfull that night was. He just had to win! This night won’t be any different, but it’s nice to know there is support from across the ocean :D.

        But I always got the impression, that speed skating doesn’t have a lot of following in the US. So it’s really cool to see that even here, at LTT people do watch it.

        • I think most people over here aren’t really that familiar with it. It probably isn’t followed much, until an Olympic event.
          I’m thinking and hoping that the US’s unexpected medal lead overall, as well as Shani Davis’s repeat gold will help to showcase some of these sports here in the US.
          It would be nice to hear more about sports like speedskating, at times other than the Olympics.

          • Well, here in Holland it’s like the national sport. Each year from November till the end of March, we can watch speed skating every other weekend.
            I love it!

            Well it’s starting, so keep your fingers crossed for the Orange-team. 😀

            And Luludee really great letter.

      • My country has won one silver, or something. Grrreeeaat

        • Or something???

          From with country are you?

          Did I mention, we have the Holland Heineken House. That’s a place Rob really should visit 😉

  13. Picture this with me:
    Edward has just skiied the downhill race of his life, but as usual, he doesn’t show too much emotion until you see him slide over to you on his skis, take off his helment, and give you that devilish grin we all know he’s capable of…
    Sorry guys, I was just fantasizing about that after watching Bode Miller win the other day…does anyone else find that guy sexy? ::Swoon::
    Thanks for that hilar letter! I will now watch the Olympics with new fervor! 🙂

  14. Chon could compete in ladies figure skating.

    (Sorry LPB ;))

    • Awwwww. Poor JC . . . he could skate with the men! Hello? Johnny Weir?

      Or maybe they could go all Blades of Glory on us and be the first real all-male pairs skating team!

      Picture it. Johnny’s a policeman. Chon’s a cowboy. Skating to “Macho Man.”

      I bet they’d have a great sit spin.

      • I want this to happen. SO MUCH. But instead of “Macho Man”, I can’t seem to get the image of them skating to Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers’s “Islands In The Stream” out of my head…

        Think of the glittery unitard possibilities.

        • Oh, it’s been thoughten!

        • “Macho Man” for short program. “Islands in the Stream” for long program. And for the Gala of Champions exhibition? George Michael’s “Freedom.”

          I’m starting a petition to the IOC right now.

          PS: I’m thinking for the Summer Games they should play volleyball. *trots off to watch Top Gun*

    • OH SNAP! Well, he could look super macho in a lycra suit with a v-neck down to the belly button, it would show off his massive chest tat. Yep, vrrrrrrrrrrrrry macho.

  15. I love curling. I don’t see Edward as much of a thrower, though (maybe I’m influenced by his poor throwing at the baseball game). I see him as a skip, shouting instructions from behind the button (TWSS). Maybe a sweeper, frantically scrubbing away at the ice.

    God, I love curling.

    • You’re right, Edward would most certainly be the one shouting instructions. But I think it’s best if the Cullens stick to individual sports, rather than the team sports.

      The Cullen’s would be the worst curling team ever. Rosalie would be giving Edward the bitch-stare, wanting to know who put him in charge. Emmett would be distracted staring at Rosalie’s behind. Esme would be comforting Edward, assuring him that the family doesn’t hate him, Alice would be complaining about the terrible uniforms they were forced to wear. And Carlisle would be giving medical attention to Bella, who slipped and knocked herself unconscious the second she stepped onto the ice.

    • Oh the ‘twss’ in that comment pretty much killed me.

  16. THIS LETTER IS AWESOME! Sorry, I had to shout that. All the sports you picked for the Cullens were right on target. But the best part for me reading this was picturing everyone in my head in the appropriate outfits!

  17. What a great letter! I agree the Cullens would be a formidable and entertaining team out there at the Olympics.

    Bella might also enjoy the skeleton; it’s kind of a motorcycle on ice.

    Major swoon for lycra Edward. I imagine him swooshing down a hill at top speeds in the morning, maybe doing a victory lap or two by running through the trees…then he can slow it down for his evening of Curling and wooing the ladies with his Werthers.

    I got a bizarre image of Jacob and Renesmee as a figure skating duo, but that is super creepy. I can kind of picture Renesmee as a figure skater, as those girls tend to be super young and look a bit like miniature people.

    • Miniature people! Lmao.
      ❤ winter olympics
      ❤ USA snowboarding team uniform
      ❤ This letter, utterly brill!

  18. I FLOVE this post!

    Thanks for the hilarity, Luludee! I, too, have been totally caught up in this Winter Olympics. It’s always been on my bucket list, but I couldn’t get tickets (imagine that!). Luckily, LPB was able to represent us all this year! Woot! *high five*

    Here’s hoping the Cullens get the hint. There’s always 2012 in London.

    Jasper in the equestrian events, riding cross-country. Edward swimming . . . in spandex . . .

    I’m sorry, I forget what I was saying.

    • The Cullens as Olympians is the most brilliant cover, I am frankly surprised that SMeyer didn’t think of it!

      Alice would be a perfect gymnast….

    • Edward swimming…yum. Maybe it would turn out like when Ricky Berens swam in the World Championships and his suit tore open in back, revealing his very sculpted hindquarters. A girl can dream…

    • I love the Olympics!!! I totally fangirl out for them!

      And I’m loving that my letter can bring a bit more appreciation for them as well!
      (I provided all the links to the sports for education purposes)

  19. I watched the Ice Dancing last night and was pretty sure I saw Jasper competing.

  20. I don’t care about sports either but your letter was truly awesome Luludee!
    And the categories? Very fitting for each and everyone.

  21. Edward and Bella would be great for two man luge. But how would they decide who goes on top?

  22. Luludee your letter rocked!
    You nailed the sports. I’m still laughing about “Esme, you know cause you have expereince jumping off things”.

    And for the opening ceremonies, they could light the torch with Jacobs *hot* abs. Edward could compose the songs and Alice could choreograph.

  23. Edward is perfect for curling…thrusting a hard stone and screaming “Harder”…oh hell yes. He can push that stone perfectly towards any of our targets. haha.

    Please do this post again for summer Olympics.

  24. Okay. That is the funniest thing all week.

    Haha, you are just fantastic, Luludee.

    I think, in the summer events, Esme could do the high-platform-super diving. More experience in the whole jumping off high things.

    Any more ideas?

    • Hmm, there are several that could do high diving.

      Edward probably something track related. Emmett could do wrestling or Judo maybe?

      And Jasper has to do something where he can show his handling skillz. Javelin maybe?

      I’m not really sure for the others…

  25. I’ve been busy/forgetful and I always feel super guilty when someone asks me “Have you been watching the games?” and I have to say no.
    Now I know why: I didn’t have the right motivation! 🙂

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