*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*
Dear Cullen Family,
I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.
It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!
Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)
Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.
Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!
Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!
Alice & Jasper – Ever the team, beauty and her ambiguously-haircutted-yet-hawt beast to hold her up – graceful and elegant, a pair that you just cannot help but adore; Pairs Figure Skating is perfect for you in every way possible. If the Russians hadn’t already lost their strong-hold on the gold medal to the Chinese last week – you’d steal it for sure! I’m positive there would be weeping after watching you two skate.
Emmett – If ever there was a sport tailor-made for a big, strong, dumb, bo-hunk (emphasis on hunk), it’s hockey. Perfect for the aggressive types. Just be careful when you play against any East-European teams. Large, covered in hair and smelly, you might be tempted to wrestle with them, but despite what all your senses are telling you, please remember – they’re NOT bears!!
Bella – Can’t make up your mind about which sport you love best? The steady speed and thrill of Alpine skiing or the all in, two-feet on the board X-treme possibilities of snowboarding? No worries! Get the best of both worlds with Freestyle Moguls. A fast paced ride down a bumpy hill, longing for release and just when you think you can’t take any more, Whoosh! Pure adrenaline, as you leave the ground for some bad-ass aerial jumps. Will you listen as your boyfriend insists that you keep your feet safely on the ground, or will you follow your best friend’s lead and keep on jumping?
Edward – Much to my pleasure surprise, I found you hard (TWSS) to place in a particular sport. Luckily for me, you’re given to mood swings and so I’ve picked two sports for you to compete in:
* For the fun, speed-loving guy, what could be more satisfying than the Downhill? Every woman in the world Bella will swoon as you come zooming toward her in a skin tight lycra outfit at top speeds.
* For the over-protective, old fashioned guy, I’m sure you’ll enjoying a game of Curling. Suck on a Werther’s to help you concentrate as you gently thrust your smooth stone (TWSS) towards the target.
Jacob – Technically, you’re not a Cullen….yet, but we all know you’re going to be sooner or later, so it’s only natural that you should compete too. And there’s only one sport, relatively new, that is worthy of Jacob Black. High flying aerials, naturally associated with badass-ness, Snowboarding is just waiting for you. You’ll have some competition though. Is Shaun White your pale-faced cousin? Wait! You two could pair up! Think of it: White and Black soaring to new heights. Look out world!
Um also, taking into account your insanely high body temperature, I think it’s only wise that you do not wear a shirt when competing…you know, just so you don’t get heat stroke.
Renesmee – I’m sure there’s an Olympic event out there, worthy of her talents. But I think that it’s best to keep this freak of nature beautiful little girl safe and sound and out of sight, until we can all be satisfied that Chris Hansen is no longer on alert.
So there we have it; a new way for the entire Cullen clan to get out and enjoy the world at large. I’m absolutely positive that you’ll have a blast, and I know that I will have a blast watching you all compete. On that note, I think it’s only fair that you send me tickets to all the events. Attending an Olympics is on my bucket list, and you’d be doing a kindness to this mere mortal.
Go for the Gold!
Team Cullen – 2014
Thank you Luludee now what winter sports do you think the rest of the characters would participate in? Mike Welch in men’s figure skating? Ben Cheney and Angela in Ice Dancing??
Filed under: Alice, Bella, Carlisle, Edward, Emmett, Esme, Fan Letters, Jacob, jasper, Renesmee, Twilight | Tagged: 2010, Alice, Carlise, Cullen, Cullen family, Edward Bella, Emmett, Esme, fan letter, gold, ice skating, Jacob, jasper, Olympics, Rosalie, skiing, snowboarding, speed skating, Team Cullen, Twilight, vancouver, Winter Olympics, Yorkie |