For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

puttin' out the vibes

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

A look of pure want. Wanting 2 boys that is

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

Things that happen to me that make me think Twilight may be too big a part of my life

Dear Twilight,

It’s 12:18 am. I did approximately 4.5 hours of work today at my job although I was there for 8 hours and 15 minutes. The rest of the time I responded to blog emails, approved comments, responded to comments, lurked on the forum, played around on twitter, read through my google reader, sent a few emails to my pals: The Bitchin’ Bloggers, chatted with Moon on gchat about how Rob is clearly going to have a sexless summer- it was just another day at the office. I grabbed a quick bite to eat at my grandparent’s house where I kept my cell on vibrate. When I got out to my car I had a missed call and 2 texts from Moon. Plus a bajillion twitter updates. I called Moon immediately & from the moment she said hello until this very moment at 12:24 am, I have not stopped working on my “blog about vampires.” Just a normal Wednesday, or maybe today should go on the:

List of things that happen to me that make me think Twilight may be too big a part of my  life:

• I got 6 birthday cards this year and 4 of them had Robert Pattinson’s face on them

• My cousin, who is reading the books for the first time (yep- there are still virgins out there), texts me after she finishes every major section of a book and I call her immediately, making her rehash every feeling and emotion she is going through at that very moment, just so I can live vicariously through her first time. I miss my Twi-virginity so much

• Someone gave me a book about Rob Pattinson and encouraged me “not to read it all in one sitting” (little do they know I read the entire thing in 30 minutes the day it was released at Barnes & Noble)

• When I got my friendly monthly visitor in my white pajama pants, while going commando, instead of freaking out & looking around for the closest Tide detergent stick, I thought, “What was Stephanie Meyer’s answer for what Edward does when Bella gets her period again?”

• I can’t even get my husband to respond to my e-mail, yet Ted C. from E!Online has written me 3 times in the last 2 days.

• I write a blog about vampires that, for some reason, more people than I knew existed in the world read every day. Yesterday I only had 21 views on my personal blog.

• When discussing plans for a Twilight DVD ‘girls-night-in’ night over e-mail with some real life friends, one of the RL friend’s coworkers walks into her cube. She invites her to join us for the movie and she says, “Wait, UnintendedChoice is going to be there?” Someone actually called me UnintendedChoice. In my real life.

• My grandmother cuts out articles from the newspaper about Twilight and mails them to me

• People I haven’t talked to for years who should have no idea that I run this blog write on my Facebook wall, “I just wanted to let you know I started Twilight and I love it!” (Do they think I wrote it!?)
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• I cropped a fannypack onto a man I never met (OH wait, that was Moon.. check it here)
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• If I haven’t seen a friend in a week or two, the first question out of their mouth is not, “How have you been,” but it’s, “How is living in the Twilight world?”
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• One of my best friends e-mailed me the other day and said “I feel like you have two lives. Real life UC & virtual life UC. I miss real life UC”
  secret msg about buttcrack santa
• When I get a company e-mail reminding me the IT guy is coming around to everyone’s office & doing geeky crap to our computers & I go to clear my history, I notice that it’s full of phrases like:

“Rob Pattinson Bite Baby” and “Rob Pattinson lobster”

• Because of that same IT guy I deleted my temporary files & download folder yesterday. It took 12 minutes. As I saw the file names zip past my eyes as they flew into the recycle bin, I realized not one was work-related.

• I accidentally start everything, from emails, to facebook wall posts, to work coorespondance, to post-it notes with “To do’s” for my husband, to blogs on my personal blog, to my rent checks, with Dear ___________ and sign it Love, UnintendedChoice. I, alone, am keeping the “white out” product on the market.

I may also be obssessed with this fact that I found out there used to be a petition to have TomStu play Edward. TOMSTU

What should I do? Pull back my involvement? Or do I just suck it up and say, “That’s Normal” I may or may not like Twilight

Love,
UnintendedChoice

PS: Add to list “The fact that I know who the hell TomStu is”

Okay confession time… what has happened to you to make you say… allright.. maybe I’m not that normal. (But oh! You are! That’s Normal)

Don’t forget to submit us some TwiPorn for our Porn-off with the Twilight Sisterhood

A million thanks to Calliope because without her, today’s post would have been a poll entitled “Who is hotter? Rob or Buttcrack Santa?”

Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

We're doing each other behind this door!

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)