What the Twilight cast does when there’s no Twilight to do

Dear LTTers,

With Kristen Stewart at Sundance finding herself a new fake lesbian life partner and Rob growing a beard and packing on the pounds before he starts filming Bel Ami, the rest of the Twilight cast is heaving a sigh of relief thinking their off LTT’s radar at the present moment.

Not so fast

Today we’re going to explore what the cast members of Twilight are doing with their time off. We’re going to provide you with all the information you’ve never wanted to know about where people like Justin Chon and Michael Welch spend their days when they’re not Twilight promo-ing it up.

What fake tan?

Where’s our favorite naked girl been, Ashley Greene? Not to be outdone by Kristen Stewart into “Welcome to the Rileys,” is she currently walking Santa Monica Ave looking for some real life prostitution experience? Has she been stripping at Jumbos Clown Room but donating her earnings to a Haitian relief fund? I don’t know. Maybe. Why don’t we hop on over to WhereIsAshleyGreene
GonnaBeNakedNext.com to find out. Oh look! Her latest spread (ahem) is in Savvy Magazine which a magazine no one has heard of. Well, their 300 twitter followers have heard of them.

Will she be showing up to the Grammys on Sunday with one Mr. Jared Followhill of Kings of Leon (her New Moon premiere date)? Did she pay off the 16 year old cleaning the booths at the Hollywood Tan with naked pictures of Rob (stolen from Nikki Reed’s private collection) in order to stay under the bulbs for 45 minutes longer than the legal limit?

Ashley wears short jorts

Is she starring in a remake of that famous 80’s Nair commercial “Who wears short shots” with the new improved lyrics: “Who wears short jorts. Nail wears short jorts?”

I think so.

What about Anna Kendrick? Oh yeah, she’s been winning the hearts of Hollywood and being nominated left and right for “Best Supporting Actress”. She’s also been busy practicing the look on her face for when she loses every award she’s up for to Mo’nique. She calls it her “frownsmile.” She’ll look sad enough to show she wanted to win badly, but happy enough to prove she’s a gracious loser.

Also she’s been talking about George Clooney and Rob Pattinson EVERYWHERE. And let’s be honest, that’s not a bad gig

What else is new in Twi (kinda) land? Find out after the jump!

Last minute Twilight Halloween Costume Ideas

Dear LTT-ers,

It’s Halloween today! Did you forget like me and need a costume for that party you’re going to? Do you want to pay tribute to your love of Twilight in a subtle, non-fangirl, non bouffant and bella’s jacket sorta way? Well have no fear we’ve come up with some last minute costume ideas for the Twilight/LTT gal (and maybe their unsuspecting boy).

Forks police officer
All you need is a stick on mustache, a can of Vitamin R and grab that Sheriff badge from your kids toy box. Instant Charlie Swan! Bonus points: bring your friends: Waylon Forge, Billy Black and Harry Clearwater. Extra bonus points for a bag of fish fry and lugging your flat screen TV around

Fake Lesbians
This is a costume where you’ll need a close gal pal who is in on the Twilight gossip.  Wear big nikes and tight denim. Sport a very surly attitude. Chair smoke ALL night. Never leave each other the entire night. Hold hands. Kiss if the mood is right. Bonus: bring along a third wheel boyfriend (feel free to call him an Italian spice), walk in holding hands as a threesome. Don’t pay attention to him all night.

100 monkeys
Wearing the bananagers banana costume, sneak into a zoo after it closed but right before the party. Find the monkey/chimp/gorilla cages. Let them all loose, befriend them, invite them to the party. Load them in your car and take them to the party. Give the primates instruments and play bad music all night. Write impromptu songs about Halloween candy and trick or treating or how much you love the girls on “slut-lo-ween.”

Want some more last minute costume ideas? Follow the cut!

Xavier Samuel, Welcome to Twilight oh and watch your donuts!

Dear Xavier,

I told UC I wanted to write you a letter since I’m pretty sure you still have a Google alert set up for your own name but I didn’t think I could make an entire letter out of: “HOLY CRAP, you’re HOT!” So since you’re a newbie to this fandom and since I’m more than willing to make fun of these dorks,  I thought I’d give you the 411 and the in’s and out’s of everything you need to know about Twilight. God help you.

Shhh they'll never know we're together! Let's wait one more week before we break their hearts!

First of all there’s there two…

Edward and Bella aka Rob and Kristen.

Stay away from this… stay far far away. Let them wallow in their angst and shirts from goodwill they never bothered to wash and keep right on moving. They’ll take the brunt of most of this saga and you should thank them. Send them a muffin basket or something and move along.

You might wanna watch out for Kristen, clearly she has a thing for boys with messy hair, questionable grooming habits and accents… you look like you might fit this bill. Watch your back. And take an occasional shower, that should keep her away.

I called ahead Taylor, they have a PizzaHut Express near our gate!

Next up…

Taylor Lautner aka Jacob Black

He’s the dude on the right. He’ll be the one lifting weights between scenes and drinking protein shakes while the rest of you get trashed at whatever friend of a friends band is playing that night. That dude on the left is affectionately known as Big Daddy. Watch your donuts around him.

Oh and uh yea Taylor’s 17. Ponder that one for a few.

Follow the cut to learn more Xavier!

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to Rob and Twilight!

Dear Twi-Hards and LTT-ers –

A lot’s been said since yesterday about “Cab-gate 09”… which is what I’m now refering to the Rob was tapped by a cab incident that turned into the biggest non newstory, newstory to rock the Twi-world in… well… days. In a matter of minutes rumors were swirling, petitions were being signing, kidneys being donated and Obama issuing a statement. Well maybe it didn’t go that far, but folks did start up various campaigns and trending topics to get the word out about everything from: “Respect Rob’s Space” to “Protect Rob” which is all fine and well because crazies need to keep their distance from Rob.

But what really got me thinking was what about the other folks in the Twi-dom? What about the other actors? Their family? Their friends? Can we ask people to respect Rob but leave them out? Must we be forced to worry that Solomon Trimble will get mobbed at an Oregon Walmart while he’s buying some Alberto VO5 hot oil treatments for his luscious locks?!

NO! I simply will not stand for it! I MUST know that ALL people associated with Twilight are also respected. So to jump on the bandwagon I’ve created our very own LTT “Respect” campaign with an LTT twist, of course!

Won’t you join us?

Themoonisdown

It’s easy to worry about Rob since he’s such a big celeb, but what about the “little people” in this scenario? What about the Cabbie? I say we need to respect the cabbie! Stop stepping out into the street with your big feet, umbrellas and security detail. This guy’s just trying to do his job ferrying people around the city and we’re getting in his way by hitting HIS cab with our hips. Respect the cabbie!

Though Buttcrack Santa isn’t a canon character from the Twilight series, HE DIED! Respect him! He died for our laughs. He died for those little bottles. He died to have momma say didn’t know how to make a kitty meow! RESPECT BUTTCRACK SANTA!

What about Marty the Bananager for 100 Monkeys? We give him cheesy shirts to wear, don’t include him on our 100 Monkeys canvas totes, and grind with him on the dance floor. He’s a person too! Give Marty his personal space and save your sexy moves for his bandmates. They signed up for this, Marty is just doing his job and can’t be distracted by our beauty. Respect The Bananager!

Taylor’s a level-headed 17 year old who seems to be enjoying the attention he’s getting by playing Jacob. My real concerns lie with Big Daddy Lautner. How’s he taking the fame? Is he still able to hit the McDee’s drive through at midnight for a late night Filet o Fish without getting mobbed? Respect Big Daddy!

We all spend a lot of time pining for Rob and swooning over Kellan’s wifebeaters but what about the supporting actors? Have we devoted as much time to Mike Newton? Will we ever love his “golden retriever” like qualities enough to finally open letterstomikenewton.com? Will we ever post about his quest to save ladies boobs? Respect Mike Welch!

Read about the best real life Rob stalker and see the Rob’s new security at LTR
RESPECT The Forum!

Pledging to LTT

Dear LTT Pledges,

The Twilight Sisterhood has been having pledge month this June & we thought of how amazing it would be if we did that here at LTT.

We’re pretty easy-going Sisters, and we only require one task from the following list of initiations to be achieved in order to be accepted into our sorority:

• 

  Yep, make him take off the monkey costume & run around nude with him

  Streak naked at a 100Monkey’s show and get Marty, the bananager, to join you. Yell “JASPER” at the top of your lungs the entire time.

• Eat only Twilight conversation hearts for breakfast lunch and dinner ’till you’re rushed to the hospital with sudden onset diabetes.
• Insist that all band aids you receive while AT the hospital be Hot Topic Twilight band aids.
• Head on over to a neighboring sorority or frat and rip a tree (roots intact) out of the ground while screaming “AS IF YOU COULD FIGHT ME OFF.”
• Act out chapter 32 of Wide Awake fan fiction with a male friend, at a church pot luck. In a park. Against a tree. (yep, it’s that chapter)
• Read the mind of the hottest guy at work or school & write down his thoughts in Edward’s calligraphy (And if his thought happens to be “Be Safe”– you’ll get something extra special. Like Sam Bradley’s email address)
• Run miles around a high school wearing a gray peacoat only stopping when you see a van approaching. Stop it with your hand, even if it’s just pulling into a parking spot, safely.
• 

  For extra credit, you & Kristen could also become the newest spokeswomen for PBR

  Invite & successfully get Kristen Stewart to join you at a Nascar race where you will ALSO need to have a mullet, like she currently has, and drink Pabst Blue Ribbons until you strip off your clothes and do a ho photoshoot on Dale Jr’s hood (that’s what she said).

• Buy a Volvo. Drive from New York to Forks, WA in 12 hours or under while making home-made mushroom ravioli (I don’t wanna hear that this is impossible to do while driving. Figure it out)
• Kill, filet & bread a mountain lion in Harry Clearwater’s famous fish fry (fine- if you can’t find Harry’s fish fry, you can use whatever your local market sells)

Good luck and may the best pledges win!

Love your favorite sisters,
UnintendedChoice & theMoonisDown

Thanks to: Kristen, EastFriend, WestFriend & Moon, for without you I would have to stay up much later

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

Name our sorority: We’re serious. We want a name for our sorority. Even though it’s kinda a pretend sorority. Who cares. Name contest happening NOW. Leave your ideas in the comments. Winner gets automatic entrance into this kinda fake, but sorta real sorority. And first crack at Rob at our first frat/sorority mixer.

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

Introducing: Blurbs from the Forum topic Mods.

We had some weird forum issues this week. Kristin emailed and said this:

Good news is though, my whole gateway 504 issue is resolved! I was apparently riding the techno short bus…now I’m all up to speed and I even get to have recess with the normal kids! yay!

and Calliope, who apparently did not have the same “Gateway 504” issues with the forum said this:

this is me shaking my head up and down and smiling at you and pretending to have even the slightest effing clue as to what you are talking about while i’m mentally undressing rob.

a secret message about how rob will love you forever if you pick our name

What’s going on in our world? The following:

• Rob has a question for us over on LTR
• The Forum is buzzing with activity. Wanna see why? Check it
• Follow us on Twitter & help us get to 2,000 followers this weekend!
• Lauren from Lauren’s Bite is hosting a give-away. GO WIN
• I have a wedgie so far up my butt I’m not sure it’s ever gonna come out (not true- just seeing if anyone reads this far…..crickets….)

Storytime with UC & the 100Monkeys

Dear 100Monkeys,

I have a story to share with you today. That’s all.

Love,
UnintendedChoice

Once upon a time in the city of Philadelphia, UC arrives to 2nd street and is walking away from the parking garage towards Triumph Brewery. Suddenly 4 sweaty boys with guitars on their backs come RUNNING from another street. It is the 100Monkeys. Someone yells “Jackson!” and UC cringes with 2nd-hand embarassment and quickly looks away, afraid someone will think she is a crazy Twilight fan.  Instead of going to the club to meet her friend, UC proceeds to follow the 100Monkeys, just as any good blogger in desperate need of content would do. But they continue on past the Triumph Brewery and, alas, UC is hungry and running a few minutes late.

The first east coast LTT/LTR dinner is a success and a few drinks later, everyone proceeds to The Kyber to see what other 2nd-hand embarrassing moments await them.

Soon after arriving, UC points out the Bella Tattoo, which we learned on Sunday was tattooed so that Rob would decide to love her for eternity.

Frustrated with the lack of Twilight T-shirts in her vicinity, UC decides to take a walk with JustGotWicked. Ah ha! There they spy the Monkey-aholics in the front of the line. They’re sure to provide 2nd-hand embarrassing moments! They did not dissapoint. Exhibit 1: Home-made canvas Team100Monkey bags:

Continuing on down the line, Monkeyhats are spotted!

Some guy who apparently is in the 2nd opening band approaches them & they decide to snap a snot with him. Just cause. It’ll make him feel famous. Instead of a broke guy in an awful band.

Do you spy my tounge? I do

 

and look! A huge Stuffed Monkey!

UC decides all this work is tiring and needs a break with Calli & Amourpsu for some shots

Find out what happens after the shots (Here’s a teaser- UC falls down the bar’s stairs) after the jump