Team Cullen take over the Olympics

*It isn’t often we get letters to just the Cullen family, but Luludee was so inspired by the current winter Olympics she just had to get the Cullens involved*

Go for the gold Cullens!

Dear Cullen Family,

I’d like to start off by letting you know that I am in no way what you would call a “fan” of sports in general, though I know that your family enjoys tossing/hitting some balls around. But, like some sort of sports-werewolf, for two weeks every two years, I undergo a transformation and become a rabid avid fan of individual athletic prowess and “We are the World” oneness that is the Olympics.

It’s 2010, which means it is time for another round of the Winter edition of the ultimate competition. I’ve been watching every single night and I believe that I’ve just discovered a future cover for the Cullen Family: Winter Olympic Athletes! You guys were made for this: you’re cold, you’re pale and you possess super-human prowess. You’ll fit right in! I know you might be dubious, but just hear me out. I’ve figured out which sport each of you could compete in. Besides, you’re not fooling me. It’s gotta be hella-boring living the quiet life in Forks, Washington, werewolf feuds and Vampire lynch-mobs notwithstanding. It’s time for the Cullen family to live a little, no pun intended. Let’s Do This!!

Carlise's competition? Eric Yorkie!

Carlisle – We all know you’ve been around for a while and possess a gentle and kind spirit. Yet, despite your meek appearance, a strong, hard beast capable of great feats lies within. I found a sport that’s almost as old as you and looks somewhat easy but actually requires deceptive strength and stamina: Speed Skating. As a vampire, I’d think it would be nice and relaxing as well as easy to control, so as to make the competition look more convincing. As an added bonus (for us and Esme) you will be required to wear skin tight lycra and will be bent over at the waist allowing for a nice view of your assets. (Seriously, have you SEEN these guys?!)

Esme – Imma be honest. I had a hard time figuring out the best event for you. I finally decided that Ski Jumping best suited you…you know since you have experience jumping off of high places. But unlike your previous forays, here you can look graceful whilst flying through the air and you’ll land softly and beautifully with no injuries. No muss, no fuss.

Rosalie – Passive-aggressive insults, bitter rivalries, fast paced pushing and shoving, and an ever present risk to cut a bitch – it’s Short Track** for you! Me thinks the South Korean team would welcome you with open arms. Oh snap!

Oh snap follow the cut for the rest of the fam!

A Two Unicorn Tuesday

miracles do happen!

To my husband, the newest unicorn –

I have bugged you for months about Twilight, annoyed you would probably be the more appropriate term. You despised it and I’m pretty sure the eye rolling was an uncontrollable reflex every time the words “Twilight” or “Robert Pattinson” crossed my lips. And I was fine with that, I mean, you’re a guy. You’re supposed to hate Twilight, right?

Then something happened. When Twilight came out on DVD, we bought it and you sat down with me to watch it. And you liked it. Not just tolerated it, but actually enjoyed the movie. We watched all the special features together. You found the vampire kiss scenes just as crazy sexy as I did. The next day, we watched the commentary together. You found Rob as irresistible as me and offered him the number 3 spot on your man crush list.

And I was happy. The eye rolling stopped and you didn’t completely shut down whenever I started talking Twilight. But, when asked to read the book, you said no. You’re not much of a reader anyway, so that was cool.

Once again, something happened. The other night, you started spouting off knowledge about Twilight that could not have been collected while watching the movie. You talked about how Edward didn’t run off after the accident, and how Eric’s role just seemed to be a little larger than it should have been in the movie. When you saw my complete look of shock, you picked up the Twilight book and said, “I’m almost done with chapter 3” and showed me where you were in the book. “I would have been farther along, but (our son) keeps taking the book and telling me, ‘No, that’s mommy’s book.'”

And now, right after our 5 year wedding anniversary, I realized I have married a genuine unicorn. And I couldn’t be happier!

Your loving wife,

Amber

P.S. Also, thanks for being cool about Rob and the whole freebie list thing. Oh, and the coupons I used to attempt to morph you into a Rob clone.

Get ready.. after the jump we have our first gay unicorn- YES! Best.Day.Ever