For Kristen Stewart, a guide to keeping men happy

puttin' out the vibes

Dear Kristen,

On the day we finally declare peace in the Rob fandom by linking arms and uniting in one voice to declare “We are the Rob, We are the Fandom,” you go and stir the shit. Of course you would. Kinda makes me like you a bit too- ain’t nothing like rattling a hornets nest with the news that Micheal Arangano aka Oregano might actually be in Vancouver. Yup, the same Vancouver that you and the rest of the Eclipse cast is in (oh and that dude you’ve been seen with- Rob Whateverson- happens to be there too.) I kind of really want you to be seen one day with Oregano doing that lovely-dovey shiz like you all did in April and then the next day been seen all double O style with Rob because then you would be a Lady Pimp, Man Killer, and I would be forced into maybe, quite possibly, LOVING YOUR FACE. If you were stringing both of these boys along, making them fly to other countries, hide under hoods, buy you dinner, comb out your mullet and then get the H out of bed once you were finished with them, I would give you the biggest high five ever. EVER. Just the thought of it makes me smile and want to yell “Girl Power!” (Spice up your life!).

A look of pure want. Wanting 2 boys that is

So since we have no real confirmation as to validity of this other than the ALWAYS valid Splash News *ahem* I’m going to speculate that it’s totally true and Oregano really is up there in Vancouver and the reason you didn’t go to the cast dinner last weekend was because it was Oregano’s day and not Rob’s, so like any good Lady Pimp you sent Rob along to the dinner to be watched over by your frenemie Nikki Reed while you, or should I say while Oregano, attended to your “needs.” I’m so kinda proud! Since you are 19, however, I have a feeling you’ve just recently tapped into your Lady Pimp Man Killer essence so you’re new at this and might be in need of a few tips from some seasoned sluts professionals. So out of the goodness of my heart, and as a sign of goodwill and Rob-peace, I’ve put together a little guide for you with the help of some pals:

Follow the cut to see the rules!

Kristen Stewart in Bella’s new wig!

Oh crap, those were real scissors

Dear Eclipse Wig Dept,

Since Eclipse started filming last week and no one’s seen Kristen Stewart in her new Bella get-up everyone’s been well: wigging out. Heh. Clearly fans have been flipping out since they saw Kstew’s Runaways hair and wondered what the crap you were going to do with it for Eclipse. Wigs? Tracks? A weave? Extensions?! The mind spins with options! Ok, maybe that’s the 2 “big girl” drinks I just had, but spinning none the less.

So maybe we weren’t so kind to your New Moon counterparts a few months ago when we saw poor Jackson in that god awful poodle wig that was designed for Jasper. I still shudder even now when I see it and don’t know if I’ll be able to overcome it when I’m watching the movie, but well, I guess that’s something you have to live with and not me. Just don’t be surprised if I have Vietnam style flashbacks during the premiere anytime Jasper is on screen. But anyhow, what I’m now currently worrying about is what Bella’s wig will look like. I know we all let out a collective gasp and clutched our throats when we saw that KStew up and got crazy and cut herself a mullet for Runaways filming (you guys more than us I’m sure). Cause now you have to deal with that dead raccoon on her head and turn it into beautiful Bella hair. Sucks to be you all. BUUTT since we’re professional bloggers and total Twilight nerds around here, we’re here to help and I’ve got a few suggestions that just might work for The Great Mullet Fiasco of 09…

Since we’re in a recession and Jacob is now a werewolf you won’t need his old wigs, so why not reuse that for Bella’s wig? Almost the same color, just curl it up a little and presto long hair! We’re in a recessional yall and we all know how Summit likes to save a few clams so WIN WIN!

And since we’re talking about re-using why not try out the old Jasper poodle wig?! What, Bella’s not blond? Who cares, make her squirm a little for cutting it all off.

Follow the cut to see some more AWESOME wigs!

Cullen Boys action with a little Riley on the side…

Dear Boys,

It’s about time we devoted more of this blog to someone besides those two Robsten losers. A little too much plaid and sad and not enough HOT these days. So when I saw these pics of you lads today on Just Jared I about had a heart attack for a couple reasons cause well a. you’re all hot sauce in these and b. Jackson has a new doo and I gotta say it looks marvy. So marvy that I ran over to the forum to celebrate with the Jax lovers who congregate there. Don’t worry Jackson, UC may think you look like you have an addiciton to the bad stuff but I still love you. Maybe if you wrote an impromtu song for her about how you are a proud D.A.R.E graduate she might change her mind.

In any case I was perusing through these pics and noticed you were all carrying bags or food of some kind so let’s ponder what you guys ate today shall we? PSST This is really just a ploy for me to post these pics so we can all drool over them together. Let’s get started!

Eat your heart out Kristen Stewart, I could have been your Edward. Your lose! Enjoy the plaid sandwich!

So clearly Jackson is the healthy eater of the bunch, probably got a 6in (that’s what she said) sub from the 7 under 7 grams of fat menu. Or maybe he’s giving the bird to production for making him wear that wig and went for the meatball sammy. Whatever it is, keep rocking that hot ass doo and maybe once this whole twi thing’s over Subway will dump that Jared guy and hire you as their new spokeswhore. Your commercial should be you riding a vintage motorcycle eating a Subway sammy saying “Eat at Subway and you can look like me! NOT!” and then you peel out and pop a wheely. Just a concept… we can iron out the details later.

No where to run to baby... no where to hiiiide!

Where ya running to Xavier? Got some leftover orange chicken from Panda Express you need to get in the mini fridge before it spoils? Yup, I feel ya… nothing like some shizzy fake chinese food to cure a hang over the next morning.

how YOU doin'?

Is that a Zara bag I spy, Kellan? You just got 5 extra cool points from me, I love that store! So obviously you’re a manarexic since you have no food in your hands like the other boys and instead opted to shop. I know, ya gotta look good in that Emmett velor  track suit and can’t be worried about any unsightly orange chicken bulges. It’s hard to hide spanx under velor, I know.

So anyway I hope you’ll forgive our incessant coverage of Robsten 09 now that I’ve written to you and we’ll keep doing so as long as you keep bring the HOT. And the take out.

Love your faces!
Themoonisdown

Get down to the facts with UC over at Letters to Rob
Celebrate your love of the Cullen boys at the forum!