Tweed Edward vs High-School Edward

I’m almost home! Have you missed me? Probably not, because I posted some pretty kick-ass fan letters this week. THIS ONE is not any different!


Dear Summit Execs/Twilight & New Moon hair, makeup & wardrobe people:

Allow me to introduce myself:  I’m a thirty-something married mom.  Middle class, suburbs, Midwesterner, blah blah blah.  All I’m missing is the minivan and that’s only because that would cramp my style.  But I digress.  My purpose of writing is to discuss with you the urban myth of women hitting their sexual primes in their 30s.  When I turned 30, my husband waited with baited breath but as I was 4 days away from going into labor with our 2nd child, there was no sexual awakening that night.  The next year, same thing-hubs crossing the digits-but apparently taking care of a 3 year old and a 1 year old doesn’t make you frisky.  Who knew??  Another year or two or four went by and the husband was like a kid who has found out Santa Claus doesn’t exist.

Then in April 2009, I picked up Twilight.  I started reading it one night in bed while the hubs was snoring next to me, probably dreaming of Farrah Fawcett (holdover adolescent crush, RIP Jill Munroe).  I read through a few chapters and was intrigued but not hooked.  Yet.  That next night, I had a naughty dream about Edward and woke up………IN LOVE.

Cue obsession with all things Robward.

Cue voracious reading of consecutive novels in “The Saga” and the first of MANY viewings of Twilight.

Cue husband’s disdain (jealousy?) of my obsession.

Cue my discovery of the “fade to black” blanks filled in via *speaks reverently* FAN FICTION.

Cue………sexual prime!

See husband’s happy face as he finds out “Yes, Virginia, Santa DOES exist.”

Myth busted, Summit.  With a little help from a fictional character from  young adult novels, of course.

So why the hell am I writing to you, Summit execs and movie hair/makeup/wardrobe people, you ask?  Because as a newly inducted member of the “Sexual Prime Club” who fantasizes about sharpening her claws, I find myself noticing young adult men in ways I never did.  (That’s normal, right?  And I did say “adult.”)  Twilight allowed me to perv on a hot, hot, hot seventeen-year-old who is really a 108-year-old vampire but portrayed by a 23-year-old man!  GENIUS!  WIN for cougars everywhere.  I can fantasize but it’s legal.  I can lust but there’s no threat of jail time and ridicule from my peers.  (Well, there’s always ridicule but no threat of “pedophile” spray-painted on my driveway.)  I can perv without a visit from Chris Hansen.

This kiss gave me the chills.  He sneaked into her bedroom!  How hot to my thirty-something old self that knows how creepy it should be! “I just wanna try one thing” INDEED!

The T shirt.  That tight jaw.  The bad-boy sheepish grin.  The crazy driving.  The stalking and voyeurism.  It’s like someone read my 14-year-old self’s diary!

Then…..New Moon happened.  (And some particularly angst-ridden FF.  And some dreaded Christmas shopping. And flu season.)

Allow this chart to illustrate:

How Twilight/New Moon affected my sex life:

This is supposed to keep my sexual prime going strong?

WTF, Summit?  Where did that hot, hot, hot high school boy go?  I don’t WANT to crush on my college Anthropology professor!  I don’t WANT to fantasize about chalk dust on tweed.  I don’t WANT to role-play getting an A for “extra credit.”  (Wait-scratch that.  That kinda sounds fun.)  I don’t WANT Edward to be as grumpy as my grandpa discussing the Great Depression and how every “kid” under the age of 45 is on drugs.

I WANT my illicit (yet legal) thrills, Summit.  I WANT high school Edward back.  Now I know Eclipse will be out soon so this letter may be too late, but millions of thirty-something libidos (and the future happiness of their partners) are counting on you.  Leather, NOT  tweed.  Sex hair, NOT old man hair.  Tight, sexy jeans, NOT elastic-waist “slacks.”  The Cullen crest cuff, NOT Grandpa’s pocket watch.

To recap:

YES please

HALE NO!

Keep the myth alive, Summit.  (You can probably expect another letter before Breaking Dawn so you don’t go the “Dad” route on Edward with sneakers and bald spots.  “Teenaged” dads can be HOT too.)

Signed,

USDA Prime

Why have we never discussed this before? Teenage Edward vs. Old Man Edward. MOON & UC FAIL! What do you think? Are you into OldManward? Or do you like the idea of the 17 year old who is really 108 but played by a 23 year old Teenagerward?

Our internet game is still ridiculous: The Forum, LTR, Twitter

Advertisements

Speculation Thursday – Moon makes the case for Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart: NOT together!

We're actors

We're actors

Dear Kristen and Rob-

Last week my pal UC put on a brave face, sucked up her pride and posted the Speculation Thursday (though it was on Wednesday) post that she thought you may be together. As much as it pained both of us to see that in writing, we had to present the Pro Robsten side of the argument. But never fear, I am here with this week’s Speculation Thursday (on Thursday!) where I’m going to present the Non Robsten side! Cause I look at you two and I’m like, they CANNOT be together, the stoner and the nerd? No way.

If you’ll indulge me I’d like to treat this as a trial, and court is now in session*! The honorable Stephenie Meyer proceeding. Today we will be hearing the case of:

Robsten vs NonRobsten, in the court of public opinion

Opening statement:
Much has been said and speculated about you two over the last few weeks and now having some time to gather evidence and look at the facts I think we can be certain about a few things: Kristen and Oregano are not together and Kristen and Rob are in fact, NOT together. Snogged and hooked up? Sure! But together? No! I ask that the jury keep an open mind as we speculate our way through another Thursday.

Enter into the court room the Evidence…

Were doing each other behind this door!

We're doing each other behind this door!

01. The Charlie Hotel / The Morning After – UC cited this story and these pictures as her main turning point. But I have a different take on this much bally-hooed “secret goodbye photos” and “secret rendezvous hotel bungalows” nonsense… I did some research too on The Charlie and there are multiple bungalows in which bungalows also have multiple rooms! Amazing how this works, huh? It’s not uncommon for stars to get ready for awards shows in hotel rooms, Summit’s footing the bill, why not? And you’ve got the room paid for for the night, might as well come back and party after the show, right? I know where you’re going to go with this: “but Moon they were in the SAME bungalow! Ron, the underpaid dude at the front desk, told the shady paparazzo from X17 who palmed him a 50 it was true.” Riiiight. And, if I even believe that they were in the same bungalow, my research tells me that again, SURPRISE, there are bungalows with more than one room in them. I’ve stayed in rooms with guy friends, it’s totally possible. And who knows maybe she was wasted drunk from the dinner beforehand when they decided to go back and party? Maybe they smoked a bol and she passed out on that cute striped chair from the pictures of The Charlie. And then the next day her Mom came to pick up her hung over self and hug Rob for being such a good guy and looking out for poor little Kristen. And no kiss was ever photographed.

Follow the cut to hear the rest of the case!!! (Seriously do it!)
Continue reading

Okay.. we gotta discuss it.. it’s time

Meet me in room 618 at 11:43pm. Bring the cheap wine

Meet me in room 618 at 11:43pm. Bring the cheap wine

Dear those in denial,

I’m 99.7% certain that Rob and Kristen hooked up while filming, despite the whole Michael Oregano situation.

I recently informed a dear friend of my opinion on the matter and she responded:

“Yes. Dude…I said it all along…from that very first Larry Carroll vid… “there were TWO nights that were…productive…” He probably had wine in his room…and offered her 17 year old ass some…which she took, of course. And smoked the night away. (Figuratively and literally.)”
a
This topic is of so much utter importance that I decided to bring in my reinforcements and “break it down vanity-fair style” (see this post if you don’t know what the H I’m talking about). I know many of you don’t want to believe me. You want to continue thinking Rob & Kristen were nothing more than close friends and that Kristen stayed true to Michael. If you are one of those in denial, you will hate the following conversation because we are going to PROVE it to you. Feel free to offer your rebuttle in the comments, but just so you know, you’re wrong. XOXO UnintendedChoice

Last Tango in Paris

UC: can we talk about the PROOF that we know that rob & kristen hooked up? They watched that MOVIE….
Moon: I’m gonna play devils advocate and say NO. she seems like a total prude who’s WAY too into NReed and her BF
Friend #1: wrong- they’ve done it.
UC: how do you watch (what’s the movie again?) and not have sex after it and JOKE about mirroring your characters after it
Friend #1: LAST TANGO IN PARIS. No-strings attached sex…. they watched that shizzzzz…. and she was 17…. and he hit it. but then they will deny it ’til the death, ’cause she was underage.
UC: and i’m confident Michael knows. she told him. she was so upset at herself. and he forgave her. they worked through it
Moon: they watched last tango in paris?
UC: YES. Omg, Friend #1, she hasn’t seen the interview
Moon: god how old are they?
Friend #1: of course. ’cause he got a freebie out of it, too. GIRL…. ok, you have to watch THE interview that first came out last year….
UC: THAT’s the interview that makes us KNOW they did it
Friend #1: april of last year. it’s the PROOF!
UC: it’s SOOO obvious. MTV. They’re SO flirty
Moon: link please
(literally 3 seconds later b/c Friend #1 is awesome like that)

UC: there it is proof
Friend #2: OK, I missed a lot because of the phone call. BUT, I must say… Rob and Kris most DEF hooked up. I am positive of it
Friend #1: yay Friend #2! she agrees! she has seen the interview, clearly.
Moon: dude is this the one where she scrapes that crap out of his mouth?! sick
Friend #1: yes.
Moon: hey im just being devils advocate
Friend #1: “bonding.” is when they talk about it.
Moon: THATS it?! That’s what you base this off???
UC: YES
Friend #1: have you SEEN last tango in paris, moon? there is no reason those 2 would’ve been watching that if they didn’t have ulterior motives.

Be further convinced after the jump

Continue reading